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Topic: Feeling angry still (way into R) need advice
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uncertainfuture
♂ Member
Member # 16332 |  Posted: 8:30 PM, August 17th (Friday), 2012 |     |
I can't help it, I just can't stand to be around WW, even almost 5 years after the A and DDay.
Can't feel connected to her, can't trust her. I don't enjoy intimacy with her, I just do it sometimes. I can't stand to talk to her.
How many of you trying R feel this way this far out? I feel like there is something wrong with me. Honestly, I feel like I have become this sick caricature of myself - me but mean and emotionally disconnected.
WW is usually just cruel and short with me. Constantly nagging and mean. Yells at me, tells me she hates me.
And the thing is... I kind of understand her feelings. I'm not nice to her. But I have a... a block to my feelings for her.
Could it really take five years to realize that you are not the type to make it through infidelity and stay with a WS?
Me: BH
Her: WW
Married since 2000
Date of A: 4/07 - 7/07
D/Day: 9/21/07
Trying to R but having a VERY hard time being married to her still.
Posts: 87 | Registered: Sep 2007 | GraceisGood
♀ Member
Member # 17686 | | Posted: 9:01 PM, August 17th (Friday), 2012 | |
Could it really take five years to realize that you are not the type to make it through infidelity and stay with a WS?
Yes, yes it can. I am not saying that is where you are, only you know, but it can take years for some of us to fully process what happened and what that means to us.
I do not believe there is a time limit to processing.
Are you in IC? If not, perhaps think about it because you being "not nice" to your W and her being cruel, well that does not sound like R to me at all.
Grace
We have a tendency to think the love offered us is a reflection of our worth and value.But in actuality,it's a reflection of the person that is giving it.We love out of who WE are-not because of who the receiver is.At least in terms of real love.TSMF
Posts: 3274 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: how far the east is from the west | Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349 | | Posted: 11:10 PM, August 17th (Friday), 2012 | |
I can't relate as I'm not nearly that far out.
I'm trying to imagine what I would do in your shoes... I guess my first thing would be to ask myself what was keeping me there.
What's keeping you there?
(((uncertain)))
BS - 33
FWH - 32 (Crazz)
If the love within your mind is lost and you see other beings as enemies, then no matter how much knowledge or education or material comfort you have, only suffering and confusion will ensue. - Dalai Lama
Posts: 8977 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California | hitbyatruck
♀ Member
Member # 23769 | | Posted: 11:24 PM, August 17th (Friday), 2012 | |
Why not? If it took 5 years for you to know this is a dealbreaker than so be it.
Married 1998
2 kids under 12,
forced confession by WH 3/27/09
he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10.
I am leaning twds R 9/12/10
He moved back in 9/25/10, We are in R.
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Posts: 3036 | Registered: Apr 2009 | Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086 | | Posted: 5:16 AM, August 18th (Saturday), 2012 | |
I don't think there is a use by date on an affair being a deal breaker. I read your profile, and even with it's brevity what stands out is that your W was the pursuer, she sought out the affair. Is it possible that what she did harmed your self esteem to the point where you just can't recover? Knowing your wife sought out another man to have sex with is emasculating.
Her: fWW
Married: 15 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
Well, dancing is out, I injured a groin. It wasn't mine.
Posts: 1611 | Registered: Dec 2011 | Khloe_2011
♀ Member
Member # 34467 | | Posted: 10:56 AM, August 19th (Sunday), 2012 | |
Yes i definitely think 5 yrs out you can come to the realization that the A is a dealbreaker. I am almost2 yrs out and i just now feel like i have processed all the chaos between us and trying to see since we broke us so badly if there is enough love to put "us" back together. I am putting my everything into this marriage and i think he is (at least more than he did before) and we are trying to make it work and we both know that it might take years to overcome or we could both decide that we are just not happy with eachother and we need to move on.
I think you need to really see if the M you are in is worth the fight and if you really see or want your wife in your future.
Madhatter FWW (Me): 27
Madhatter FBH-27
T-9yrs M-6yrs
D-day(s)- Mine Dec 2010, His Feb 2011, May 2012 (saw/spoke to her while he was getting a part at his old job)
Beautiful baby boy
working on R
"Trying to do what feels like the impossible"
Posts: 72 | Registered: Jan 2012 | Heavy Sigh
♀ Member
Member # 34243 | | Posted: 11:23 AM, August 19th (Sunday), 2012 | |
Has your wife ever apologized? Looked back at what she did with horror rather than with excuses?
Just asking. It's hard to forgive when forgiveness isn't asked.
Posts: 1796 | Registered: Dec 2011 | healingtree
♀ Member
Member # 15467 | | Posted: 12:24 PM, August 19th (Sunday), 2012 | |
uncertain, I am five years out and in R.
Our relationship has its ups and downs, but it is no longer A related, just relationship related.
I read your post and began to wonder -
The A might be the top layer so to speak of your upset/anger with your wife.
But my gut is telling me that the greater problem here is emotional abuse, with the tarp of the A covering all that crap up.
Maybe it is time to stop shining light on the A, and look deeper into the Whys as far as, why are you still there, what are the positives in the relationship if any, and what can you do to salvage it, if anything.
It says in your profile that your wife was emotionally abusive during her A, and it doesn't seem like much has changed.
After 5 years of that, you WILL end up being a mean grumpy prototype of your former self, eh? If your W won't go to counseling with you, then you need to seek help on your own.
You deserve better. You can HAVE better. You can find personal peace and happiness, you can. Start the journey, on your own, and if she sees that you are happier regardless of what she does, she may just want in on that : )
Trying to be positive because you are in the R forum, but the fact is, if she is unwilling to correct the abusive behavior, then leaving might be for the best.
ETA - Since you know that you are also contributing to the negativity, also know that you are children will know you by your actions, not your thoughts. Getting right with you and your heart HELPS those we love, even if our WSs get left behind because of it. Does that make sense? Hope so... [This message edited by healingtree at 12:31 PM, August 19th (Sunday)]
FBS 1st D-day 7-11-07, 2nd DDay Post-Breakup in 8-12
HIM - Doesn't Matter Anymore
The only thing we can change about the past is how we look at it.
Posts: 8310 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Here and Now | Betrayeddaddio
♂ Member
Member # 30198 |  Posted: 12:31 PM, August 19th (Sunday), 2012 | |
I can't help it, I just can't stand to be around WW, even almost 5 years after the A and DDay.
Can't feel connected to her, can't trust her. I don't enjoy intimacy with her, I just do it sometimes. I can't stand to talk to her.
How many of you trying R feel this way this far out? I feel like there is something wrong with me. Honestly, I feel like I have become this sick caricature of myself - me but mean and emotionally disconnected.
WW is usually just cruel and short with me. Constantly nagging and mean. Yells at me, tells me she hates me.
And the thing is... I kind of understand her feelings. I'm not nice to her. But I have a... a block to my feelings for her.
Could it really take five years to realize that you are not the type to make it through infidelity and stay with a WS?
I think you should re-read what you have written here a few times and entertain some deep introspection.
What is in it for you?
Could starting over with someone new be worse than what you have now?
You didn't chose to be cheated on, but you are chosing to stay with the person who cheated on you and who is usually just cruel and short with me. Constantly nagging and mean. Yells at me, tells me she hates me.
As a BS I don't usually know up from down, but I'm pretty sure staying with a person who cheated on you and years later says they HATE you is toxic....for both of you!
Final question.....what do you enjoy or get out of living with your WW??????
BH-40 WW-38 DD-3 DD-6 DD-9
D-Day 09/27/2010 Wayward wife had a 10 month A with married DB co-worker
Posts: 661 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Canada | wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162 | | Posted: 1:40 PM, August 19th (Sunday), 2012 | |
WW is usually just cruel and short with me. Constantly nagging and mean. Yells at me, tells me she hates me.
Has there ever been a part where she didn't act ike this?
FBH - 41
FWW - 42 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 6&11
Never be afraid of the truth
Posts: 29746 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan | ihatehim
♀ Member
Member # 35646 | | Posted: 7:09 PM, August 19th (Sunday), 2012 | |
Wow. This is an eye opener. Idk how you feel exactly but I am trying to process your pain. I was going to post this exact same topic bc we are in R but I am still so angry that R is difficult & sinus getting what I need out of MC. I thought it was my fault & we can't move fwd bc of me beibgcsi angry & we are 6 months out which I thought was a long time... Until I discovered your post about being angry 5 years out. I feel like this has taken years off of my life literally!!! Only after 6 months... So at five years if would have been had a heart attack or in the mental ward. I know you must love your WS bc you are still there... But I pray you find peace & happiness with or without your WS
Me: 33
Him:31
Ow: 27 (worked together)
Married 6years, 2 kids
Posts: 63 | Registered: May 2012 | uncertainfuture
♂ Member
Member # 16332 | | Posted: 7:50 PM, August 19th (Sunday), 2012 | |
Perhaps a bit of history would help.
Initially after DDay it seemed like she meant to be abetter person. The tremendous guilt that she felt for having done something so terrible to me and to our family (we have three kids) humbled her. We both had IC and MC, she tried hard to be better and more positive.
But then 3 months out she stopped IC. 3 months later we stopped MC. I asked for more, but she insisted that with the kids' schedules and her work schedule it would not be possible. Then a few months later she stopped taking her anti-depressants.
The nastiness started. She stopped talking about the A, became angry if I brought it up. I was still triggering a year and 18 months out. It was clear that it was my problem at that point.
Life rolled on and she became subtly more of her old self.
So, the thing is it was a slow decline into her old ways.
Now I'm in a terrible terrible place emotionally.
Several of you have asked what I get from the marriage at this point. Truth is... nothing from her at all.
However, we have three kids and I want to be in the same house with them. I want to keep my family together for them. But now I'm faced with the fact that they may be seeing a terrible relationship that could become their own template for future relationships.
I need to leave, but the truth is I'm just plain scared. I'm a mess right now and I don't know how to start a new life. I don't really know where to begin. I believed we would R, I really did.
Me: BH
Her: WW
Married since 2000
Date of A: 4/07 - 7/07
D/Day: 9/21/07
Trying to R but having a VERY hard time being married to her still.
Posts: 87 | Registered: Sep 2007 | hobbe5
♂ New Member
Member # 36554 | | Posted: 9:28 PM, August 19th (Sunday), 2012 | |
uncertain,
I read your post and just had to share a couple of things with you. One, have you and WW tried some time apart to see how each of you feels?? And two, if it's for the children then I would suggest rethinking about the R. I remember growing up with my parents as they fought and argued over my father's infidelity until finally he moved out. From the kids' perspective, they will always pick each parent being happy apart than miserable together.
I wish you the best of luck sir.
First post so I apologize if I don't have all the guidelines down yet (still trying to figure out what TT means and it's not in the abbreviations)
"Mistakes are always forgivable, if one has the courage to admit them." - Bruce Lee
Posts: 7 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: somewhere dark and devoid of light | Jesu
♂ Member
Member # 36422 | | Posted: 9:37 PM, August 19th (Sunday), 2012 | |
Dude, seriously, get out...
Me: BSO 38
Her: WSO 28
Together: 8 years
Married?: No
Children?: No
OM: A friend of a friend
DD#1: June 18th 2012
DD#2: September 9th 2012 (The day after my birthday)
PA: 1 week in Nov/Dec 2010, which led to a long distance EA up until DD
R: ??
Posts: 410 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Oz | Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349 | | Posted: 2:23 AM, August 20th (Monday), 2012 | |
I'm just so sorry. It's so much more complicated with children involved. Nobody's judging you. I couldn't bear to go a day without DD, and that definitely factored into deciding to R in the beginning.
I wish there was a good solution for you.
(((uf)))
BS - 33
FWH - 32 (Crazz)
If the love within your mind is lost and you see other beings as enemies, then no matter how much knowledge or education or material comfort you have, only suffering and confusion will ensue. - Dalai Lama
Posts: 8977 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California | uncertainfuture
♂ Member
Member # 16332 | | Posted: 8:58 AM, August 20th (Monday), 2012 | |
But my gut is telling me that the greater problem here is emotional abuse, with the tarp of the A covering all that crap up.
Maybe it is time to stop shining light on the A, and look deeper into the Whys as far as, why are you still there, what are the positives in the relationship if any, and what can you do to salvage it, if anything.
Healing tree, I think you have it there. It's funny to say that the there may be something worse than the A going on. A deeper issue. I intend to start IC again and bring up separation. I don't think she would do MC, so it all really is up to me.
Thanks for the support and suggestions. No one that I know even knows about the A, so this is my only place to get some support.
Me: BH
Her: WW
Married since 2000
Date of A: 4/07 - 7/07
D/Day: 9/21/07
Trying to R but having a VERY hard time being married to her still.
Posts: 87 | Registered: Sep 2007 | realitybites
♀ Member
Member # 6908 | | Posted: 10:53 AM, August 20th (Monday), 2012 | |
I was just going to suggest IC for you....so I think you are on the right track.
As we say on here we cannot control what anyone else does but we CAN control ourselves. A good IC can help you thru this time and sort your thoughts as to how you want to approach this.
I think you are to be commended for at least trying to hang in there. I don't think anyone knows how they may or may not feel LOTS of years out, but I will say that if you have a WS who has gone back to her old ways and is mistreating you then this is not about you....except for figuring out what YOU now want to do.
Posts: 5239 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida | sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240 | | Posted: 5:32 PM, August 20th (Monday), 2012 | |
Uncertainf, You say your W is a bad person. Does that mean she is evil, 'cause that's what 'bad person' means to me, and I don't see how a bad person can ever be a candidate for R.
Your uncertainty says to me that your W is a person like te rest of us who has done a very bad thing to you, which is a lot different than a 'bad person' (by my definition, of course).
Your post says to me that maybe you're still so angry that you can't move forward and that your anger colors whatever you perceive, so you probably don't yet know what's the possibilities are for you and your W.
So IMO IC for you may prove to be eye-opening and very beneficial for you, assuming you find a good C.
At the same time, your W sounds like she's extremely difficult. If you're describing her accurately, she may not change - but you can, and once you process your A feelings and understand your strengths, you'll probably be able to make a much better life for yourself and your kids.
BH (me) - 65+, FWW (her) - 65+, Married 40+
DDay - 12/22/2010
In R
2.5 years out, feeling human again, and feeling good, bad, indifferent at different times
Posts: 5935 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area | Kiwigirl
♀ Member
Member # 36185 | | Posted: 12:51 AM, August 21st (Tuesday), 2012 | |
(((uncertain future)))
It is so hard where children are involved especially as we live in a world where generally the assumption is that the woman, regardless of her behaviour, should have custody of the children. If this is your biggest fear, is it worth making an appt to see a lawyer and properly exploring what your chances are in terms of total or shared custody if you can't R? Just a thought.
BS - 36 (me)
WH - 34
D-Day 19 April 2012
Trying R
Posts: 93 | Registered: Jul 2012 | healingtree
♀ Member
Member # 15467 | | Posted: 10:13 PM, August 21st (Tuesday), 2012 | |
(((uncertainfuture)))
I get the kid thing, completely.
Thing is, when life is already hard because of a failing relationship, its harder to believe that there can be any light at the end of the tunnel, any good choice to make, and you get buried by fear, unable to move in any direction.
That is what if feels like to make tough choices...I know you know it.
If you get IC, do some research as well on how all this is affecting your kids and what is your best case scenario for them, look into the financial factors of being single vs staying together, then you will feel safer making the tough decision.
IC is a GREAT first step for you, find a good one, if you get an icky feeling with the first one, try someone else. There are a lot of em out there! 
Chin up
(((uncertain))) [This message edited by healingtree at 10:14 PM, August 21st (Tuesday)]
FBS 1st D-day 7-11-07, 2nd DDay Post-Breakup in 8-12
HIM - Doesn't Matter Anymore
The only thing we can change about the past is how we look at it.
Posts: 8310 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Here and Now | | Topic Posts: 20 | |
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