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User
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Topic: Who did you tell?
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1Bite2Shy
♀ Member
Member # 36430 |  Posted: 9:37 PM, August 18th (Saturday), 2012 |     |
The only person besides the OW that knows about the A is my sister, simply because I needed her to watch my boys while I packed bags and got all my ducks in a row.
It kills me when my family mentions how lucky I am to have my WH, or when my sister offers my WH a massage, or a million other little triggers.
So who did you tell? Why? And how has it served you? Would you change it at all?
D Day : July 30 2012
Trying to R.
Posts: 81 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: US |
QVee
♀ Member
Member # 34670 | | Posted: 9:50 PM, August 18th (Saturday), 2012 | |
Telling others is one of the hardest things about an A, especially if you're trying to R. You want to work things out, but you can't really vent to your family members because then they get a warped view of your WS. They start to hate your WS when you're trying to love him/her again.
I've told two friends. One friend I no longer have contact with because she just distanced herself from me after finding out.
BS: me 30yrs
WS: 33 yrs
Relationship: 6 yrs, married 2
"When they try to make you an extra in their movie, LEAVE THE THEATRE!"
Posts: 151 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Mordor |
Feelthrownaway
♀ Member
Member # 33772 | | Posted: 9:54 PM, August 18th (Saturday), 2012 | |
I told no one. On the one hand it makes it easier since no one knows yet it is also harder because there is no one to talk about it with. It makes you feel all alone.
Posts: 828 | Registered: Oct 2011 |
CryingGreenEyes
♀ Member
Member # 24753 | | Posted: 9:54 PM, August 18th (Saturday), 2012 | |
I only told people that I knew I could trust and that wouldn't pass judgement on him or me if I decided to stay. The short list was:
My Mom, My Dad, and a few close friends. Some of those people had been through what I was going through and others were just there for support. Not one of them ever passed judgement and they all encouraged me to do what I could live with and what would make me happy. I was very selective because it wasn't the time to have to listen to friends or family tell me what a POS my FWH was or that I should leave him and never look back. The people I told never did that once. I am very blessed to have such amazing people in my life.
“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house you can never tell."
Posts: 1506 | Registered: Jul 2009 |
messedup96
♀ Member
Member # 35936 | | Posted: 9:55 PM, August 18th (Saturday), 2012 | |
My mother I think I did is because she was in a relationship with a married man for over 26 years have a child together I wanted her to feel the pain I was going thru but she never cared about me it's always been about her men now they aren't together she's been with another guy for 2 years well he spends more time with his ex
BS me 35
Dirtbag 34
1st A DD July 20th 1996 OW also married
2nd A DD Oct 19th 2002
3rd A DD July 17th 2012
2nd and 3rd With same psycho serial married men cheater
Married 15 next nov
Together 16 next dec
Friends 22 next march
3 beautiful
Posts: 113 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: IL |
MystiKay
♀ Member
Member # 36401 | | Posted: 10:11 PM, August 18th (Saturday), 2012 | |
I told my brother, because I needed someone to talk to. My WS told our main boss and then I had to tell another boss. Then two friends on line just as someone that was up when i found out. Wow that sounds like a lot!!!
Posts: 225 | Registered: Aug 2012 |
momdaughterwife
♀ Member
Member # 32209 | | Posted: 10:24 PM, August 18th (Saturday), 2012 | |
I told my BFF. Turns out all the signs she was experiencing as well and yep her husband was cheating too. I also told my dad. He was a serial cheater. My parents divorced. He cried when he found out. He's been supportive. I told my aunt. She's like a mom. Also supportive. Can't tell MIL or any friends in our town. We've tried to protect the kids. The people who know don't want to talk about it. Neither do I with them. Lots of people think I'm so lucky. I am in a lot of ways but obviously my FWH hasn't been the model husband and father they think. He's lucky but I don't hear people say that. He's more charming and popular. Kinda makes me feel like chopped liver sometimes. If I had told MIL and others I wouldn't feel bad but not sure it would help-might hurt. [This message edited by momdaughterwife at 10:26 PM, August 18th (Saturday)]
Me BS
Him WH
2 boys
We've all been through a lot. Our family seems to be thriving again. I pray that will continue.
Posts: 819 | Registered: May 2011 |
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421 | | Posted: 10:36 PM, August 18th (Saturday), 2012 | |
Once I was done, one I realise it wasn't my shame, everyone. He was more worried about his reputation than his family.
Posts: 1936 | Registered: Mar 2011 |
dameia
♀ Member
Member # 36072 | | Posted: 10:47 PM, August 18th (Saturday), 2012 | |
I haven't told anyone. If we R I will keep it that way if we D I'm telling everyone! 
Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12
Multiple affairs over a 5 year period, mostly with prostitutes, totaling around 16 2002-2006
Brief EA/PA with coworker in 2007
3 children
"People who live in a glass house have to answer the door" -Karl Pilkington
Posts: 668 | Registered: Jul 2012 |
tinysteps
♀ Member
Member # 36104 | | Posted: 10:57 PM, August 18th (Saturday), 2012 | |
I told my best friend and another very good friend. I am in R and I did not want my family to know he was unfaithful. I thought it would be hard for my family to understand.
BS-Me (48)
WH-Him (54)
M-12yrs Together 15 years
D'Day April 20, 2012
On the R Rollercoaster
How will see the great things ahead of us if we keep looking back at the bad things behind us?
Posts: 83 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: My heart is at the beach |
Stillhere97
♀ Member
Member # 36122 | | Posted: 11:04 PM, August 18th (Saturday), 2012 | |
I told my sister, very supportive. My
Mom cause I saw her the day after and she know something was wrong, big mistake telling her. My best friend, but not at first. She had been a OW and I could not look at her without crying, but didn't want to lose her also, so told her. She has been a big help.
BW 38
WH 40
Married 14yrs
2 kids
One night stand in foreign country
Process R!!!
Posts: 109 | Registered: Jul 2012 |
TXBW68
♀ Member
Member # 36456 | | Posted: 11:05 PM, August 18th (Saturday), 2012 | |
I must be the exception to the rule. I told EVERYONE from the start. I couldn't hide it at work - I cried all day in my office. People would stop by and ask if I was ok and I would blurt it out. I even told a Walmart cashier who commented on how pretty the necklace that he gave me for Christmas was.
I read that its important that the BS realize that it's not their shame. I never felt any. I knew from the beginning that this is his cross to bear. That knowledge doesn't make it hurt any less though.
Me (44) WH (41),2 boys 13 & 10
M 17yrs T 21yrs
DDay #1 - 4/9/12 OW#4 EA/PA
Separated 10 months
DDay #2 after R started - 4/4/13 TT of long ago ONSs
Final Total - 3 ONS and 1 EA/PA
Now that the truth is finally out, R is going amazingly well!
Posts: 586 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX |
CallMeRed
♀ Member
Member # 36312 | | Posted: 3:03 AM, August 19th (Sunday), 2012 | |
I told my best friend and my sister, both of them are already busy worrying about their own problems (house moves, pregnancy) and my poor best friend then had a trigger from it all because her H had looked at AFF in the past. So I feel a bit bad for burdening them. But also in telling them they told their husbands some of it. So instantly more people know. 
I told an online friend who I have so much in common with she feels like one of my best friends. She sent me a very balanced message which was absolutely perfect.
Last of all I told my oldest friend, (in both ways) who is a Catholic Priest aged 74. I had no idea but he had been a MC for 35 years in the past. I told him EVERYTHING and I know I can talk to him whenever I want to. He is one of the rocks in my life and I am not even particularly religious. He took our marriage ceremony and I didn't want him to judge my WH but all he was is helpful.
The person I would most like to talk to but can't is my Mum. She worries so much it would make her ill, and I know she would never look at WH the same again. However if we ever split up I would tell her about it. I know I am serious about R or I would have told her first.
D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 41
Him - WH - 40
Stepchild: 16 Children: 9, 8, 5
Together 14 years, married 10.5 years.
Status: aiming for R with a Plan B just in case.
Posts: 275 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: England |
VeilLifted
♀ Member
Member # 34692 | | Posted: 3:13 AM, August 19th (Sunday), 2012 | |
Like TXB, I told everyone. Without the support of so many people, I would have never made it through the first few months after dday. And I don't believe we would be where we are today if it weren't for all of the continued prayers and support.
Since we have started R, no one has been judgemental, they have all been in our corner whole heartedly.
Me - BW
Him - FWH
DDay 10-29-11 2 month EA 1 time PA
He had ended it 10-28-11
Broke NC 12-20-11
S 12-21-11 filed D 1-4-12
R started/H moved home 2-8-12
2 wonderul boys 17 & 14
Married 19 years
Posts: 213 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana |
million tears
♀ Member
Member # 24416 | | Posted: 3:17 AM, August 19th (Sunday), 2012 | |
I told my psychiatrist and my MIL. I wish I hadn't told my MIL.
Me-48. WH-49. 2 year LTA, D-day 1-26-2009 and many months of TT. Married 24 years. OW was my "friend."
Note to OW. Being a whore is so unbecoming.
Posts: 1267 | Registered: Jun 2009 |
self-rescuer
♀ Member
Member # 35059 | | Posted: 5:02 AM, August 19th (Sunday), 2012 | |
I must be the exception to the rule. I told EVERYONE from the start. I couldn't hide it at work - I cried all day in my office. People would stop by and ask if I was ok and I would blurt it out. I even told a Walmart cashier who commented on how pretty the necklace that he gave me for Christmas was.
My personal philosophy is "His secret is My life". I needed support and feedback because I had learned the love of my life was in love with someone else.
Choosing to tell people and kicking him out of the house were the best things I could have done. I have NO regrets about sharing my story and pain. The way my friends circled the wagons was what got me through the horrible shock phase.
BW 51
WH 54
married 26 yrs
D-Day 9-15-11
Divorce final 3-13-13
The idea of redemption is always good news, even if it means sacrifice or some difficult times.
~ Patti Smith
Posts: 385 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: the south |
stronger08
♂ Member
Member # 16953 | | Posted: 6:51 AM, August 19th (Sunday), 2012 | |
At first I told no one with the exception of my sister who I needed to pick me up from jail. As I was also accused of a false DV charge I could not go near my XWW or my home for the duration of my legal proceedings which lasted almost a year. I had to be carefull as I could not even have contact through a third party. My attorney advised me to just keep my mouth shut for a bit. That if I started to tell people she was "allegedly" cheating it could be considered harassment through a third party and I would be subject to arrest for violating the RO against me.
I was not till almost a year past D-day that I was able to not only get the evidence I needed to get my court case resolved. But I was able to expose what really happened. But by then the damage to my repuataion was done. She already had me painted out to be an abusive alcoholic. Bad parent etc. I lost alot of friends and it took many years before people started to see the real her. But by then I had hundreds of e-mails most very sexually explicit as OM like to jerk off to them. But they also chronicled the timeline of the A. How they were able to basically set me up and get me out of their way. And their bragadocious and callous acts against me. Good enough to get my charges dropped. But not god enough to get my reputation back. But I was able to get those who needed to be in the know advised of what was going on. Mainly his BW, his churh and their employer. OM liked to keep up appearances at home like the fine church going family man who coached the church sponsored little league. So I sent copies to all 3 of them. His BW went on a rampage and was calling my XWW at work and causing much trouble for them. Naturally he threw my XWW under the bus when his own W threatened to D him. As she had already exposed the A to their employers I sat back on that one for a bit to see what happened which was nothing. But as OM was usuing his work e-mail address for his little sexcapades I annonymously sent the copies to them as evidence of his abuse of their computer systems. Which I might add was totally ironic as he was the CIO and thought he could get away with it. But they had his first inline subordinate nail him to the cross and he was not only fired. But the next in line guy who did the investigation took over his position. His church also received copies and they asked him to leave the LL. My XWW was not fired but she was labled the office slut and her career there basically stalled. Too late to save my reputation but it did hasten the karma bus a bit.
In retrospect if I did not get arrested I would not have gotten the secret e-mails that outlined what I was claiming. But I most likely would have kept it quiet as I was so embarassed at the whole situation. I did not find SI till many months after D-day and I was encouraged by an experienced member to expose. Which I did and I am happy I did it too. Nothing destroys an A quicker then a good dose of reality. I figured I was an asshole for keeping her secrets anyway after what she did to me. But if I was to R I could see limiting knowledge to very few select people. But its great insurance to have in case the WS fucks up and crosses your required boundaries. In that case all gloves would come off and I would inform everyone about what happened. Trust me once the WS knows its over in the M the rewritng beigns immediately and then your portrayed as the bad person. Save all your evidence in a place the WS has no access to. Just in case things go south and you need to protect your reputation. It comes in very handy for those who refuse to believe your story. And trust me there are plenty.
You cant eat soup with chopsticks.
Posts: 4720 | Registered: Nov 2007 |
Jesu
♂ Member
Member # 36422 | | Posted: 7:35 AM, August 19th (Sunday), 2012 | |
I told my two best friends. Both were quite shocked, but supportive. One of them is fairly non judgmental, but I regret telling the other one as in hindsight I realised that he cannot keep a secret.
I made my WSO tell her best friend, who she now no longer has contact with because she threatened physical violence against me, as well as her mother. I'm glad her mother knows. She spoke to me and was quite understanding of my POV. The WSO is her daughter though so I know not to expect too much from her. She wants us to work things out and R...
Me: BSO 38
Her: WSO 28
Together: 8 years
Married?: No
Children?: No
OM: A friend of a friend
DD#1: June 18th 2012
DD#2: September 9th 2012 (The day after my birthday)
PA: 1 week in Nov/Dec 2010, which led to a long distance EA up until DD
R: ??
Posts: 410 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Oz |
freelancer
♀ Member
Member # 36529 | | Posted: 8:10 AM, August 19th (Sunday), 2012 | |
I live 3000 miles from my family and my 2 closest friends. I have told a handful of very close friends here, and even some of them I regret telling. One of these "friends" (I am having a hard time calling her that right now) told me this week that she wouldn't have told anyone if she was me. I respectfully told her that I understand her stance, but until she is actually in my shoes, she doesn't know what she will do. She has also "jokingly" said that she wished her husband would cheat so he would leave her alone. Not necessarily something you say to someone whose life has just been shattered by infidelity.
We had to travel cross country for a planned vacation to see my family 4 days after DD. I truly feel like I deserve an academy award for my performance while there. My family has no idea. Unless we are unable to R and end up D, they won't find out. He would forever be the "bad guy" to them, and I don't want their pity.
Me: BS, 33
Him: WH, 33
2 beautiful babies, 5 and 2
DD: 7/1/2012
OW#1: EA/PA for 14 months
OW#2: PA for 1.5 months
Posts: 165 | Registered: Aug 2012 |
sickrn
♀ Member
Member # 36398 | | Posted: 8:12 AM, August 19th (Sunday), 2012 | |
I told no one at first..then I spoke with my M and MIL..then I heard from someone else "our story" it was sooo far from the truth that I started telling whomever would listen, or whomever had obviously "heard". I think the cake eater is the only one protected by secrecy, that's how we got here, isn't it?
M=23 yrs
DD-22
BW=46
WH=46
DDAY 6/12
In R....trust but verify!
The truth can't hurt you, it's just like the dark.
It scares you witless,
But in time you see things clear and stark - Elvis
Posts: 89 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Purgatory |
| Topic Posts: 77 | |
