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User Topic: Support for S A H Parents Affected by Infidelity
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, September 4th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A thread for stay-at-home parents and the issues directly related to infidelity.

[This message edited by UR_AN_IDIOT at 9:39 PM, September 4th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, September 4th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much for this!

I'm lucky to have a remorseful, hard working FWH, but I still feel lost a lot of the time, as my life is centered around a situation that is very far from the family I always pictured having.

I know that I've talked with a lot of people who feel trapped without an income, or the "social" aspect that comes with getting out of the house and getting to work.

So much of our identity seems to revolve around our children and our families, that something like infidelity really shakes up our reality.

Whether feeling forced into limbo because we have no logistical means of an exit, or whether we just feel lost in our place in the universe sometimes, I really look forward to talking to other SAH Parents about the unique difficulties we face in this position, and our tips and tricks for surviving.

Thanks again, SI!


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

Posts: 14703 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, September 4th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I belong to this club!

Like you, jrazz, my Hs A really shook my reality.

I think I'm JUST NOW getting to the point where people would even want to be around me, socially.

We moved right after d-day, so I was a SAHM, going through this, and adjusting to a new town. I had neither the time, nor the inclination to make new friends.

When I found my reality shaking the hardest, I took stock of the things that I valued and made sure to engage in activities that supported those values. I had to shove aside the values surrounding M, but I found plenty more that were enough to sustain me.


Posts: 10967 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: North Carolina
PlainsGirl29
♀ Member
Member # 33520
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, September 4th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yeah, finally I thought we needed this one!

As you see from my siggy I am in the D process and still Sahming as of now, though I am actively looking for employment.

To be honest I fought myself a lot this past year since finding out about the A, I really wanted to stay in the M at least temporarily in order to SAH longer, I think it is why i tried to R, because my daughter was so young at the time. Once she turned 1 year and stbx went back to wandering i knew it was time to go.

It has been hard and it will be adjusting to working soon. But I am grateful to have had these years with my kids.


Posts: 1146 | Registered: Oct 2011
Beneficence
♀ Member
Member # 36129
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, September 4th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This will be a good, useful thread! I too am a S A H mom, and have been for the last 11 years. I think part of the shock of D-Day was realizing what a vulnerable position I've been in. I trusted blindly that I would forgo my career so that our children could benefit from an active, present parent.

We are seperated now, but still have all of our finances joint. I've gone back to school, and it'll be a good 3 years before I graduate and get ready for the workforce in my chosen career. It's nervewracking facing the struggles of wrapping my head around having to completely scrap my idea of my life and start a completely different path. But I look forward to standing on my own two feet again. I don't ever want to feel this vulnerable ever again.

~Bene


D-Day: 12/27/11
Me: BS, Stay-at-home mom, 36
Him: SAWS, 38
Married 14 years, discovered 10 years of affairs on D-Day, now separated
Two awesome kidlets, 10, 7

Posts: 60 | Registered: Jul 2012
dameia
♀ Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, September 5th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for starting this thread! I think there are a lot of SI members who will find this helpful.

I guess I am fortunate that my H is very remorseful and is willing to put in all the hard work needed to repair our M. However I still feel stuck. I have been trying to get a job, but right now I only have an AA so its been difficult. I look forward to getting to talk with others in my situation!


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

"People who live in a glass house have to answer the door" -Karl Pilkington


Posts: 993 | Registered: Jul 2012
Cannaman
♂ Member
Member # 33834
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, September 6th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allow me to be the first SAHD to chime in. This has been extremely difficult. WW claims she was fed up with my inability to maintain the household and pay attention to her. In moments of anger she tells me I have not contributed anything to this family. These were the kinds of things she would say to OM, makes me feel like under the surface she resents me.
I am interested to hear from other SAHD affected by this.


m BS/ FWBF/ F pill addict binge drinker 33 h FWW/ BGF 34
d 5 s 3
My A: ONS 2003 other inappropriate behavior/ poor boundaries
Her A: 5 month EA/PA 2011
DDay 8/30/11 (I caught her and confessed to mine)
married 3 years, together 15 working on R/

Posts: 397 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: right behind you
quedagh
♂ Member
Member # 24195
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, September 6th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A great idea for a thread.

Hi stay at home parents!

Since the birth of my oldest little I was the stay at home parent (9 years). Mutual decisions. Fed her desire for recognition,career, accolades, social position, and daddy approval.

All rewritten history, now. I was just "lazy" and didn't want to work (despite carrying two contract jobs that made at home parenting possible, immaculate house, best yard in the neighborhood, laundry always done, dinner planned and ready when she chose to arrive home on time, drove every field trip and helped in classrooms).

The 50/50 custody split still eats me. I miss them so much on my non weeks. She is alienating them from her after sort of stepping up as a parent for awhile. Now, they are just pawns to her. I hurt for them. They tell me... everything and know I am their rock. It just makes me sad for them. They are so afraid of making her unhappy and work so hard to earn her attention. I keep reminding them it isn't their job to make either of us happy. They get it with me.

Still recovering from the career suicide of stay at home dadding. Where I live- the dad at home is not even remotely respected - more of a joke and a pity.

I wouldn't change a minute of the time, though. Most meaningful experience of my life.

Look forward to participating.



Divorced and safer, mostly.


Posts: 803 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Recovery Land
quedagh
♂ Member
Member # 24195
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, September 6th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, C-Man,

Yep- same kind of resentment. Mine claimed (at rare moment of almost remorse) that she envied my time with the kids. Instead of addressing it... among other things... she had to have an affair.

Over time, she has claimed she resented pretty much everything about me- including breathing. And blames me for everything, too- including her taking up smoking.


Divorced and safer, mostly.


Posts: 803 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Recovery Land
Stillhere97
♀ Member
Member # 36122
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, September 6th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a SAHM, My husband Traveled out of the country last year so I was also like a single parent. I found out at the end of the school year, now kids are back in school and I am lost. Yesterday was hard cause it felt like he was gone again, he is back and doing all the right things, but it's the one wrong thing that tinges my heart. We are in R and doing well. He now sees all I do for this family and is acknowledging me and my work as a SAHM.


BW 38
WH 40
Married 14yrs
2 kids
One night stand in foreign country
Process R!!!

Posts: 109 | Registered: Jul 2012
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, September 6th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome dads and moms!

Thoughts regarding the household upkeep -

I feel like I hear almost a 50/50 split of reports, and it saddens me that we stress out about this when trying to figure out where the WS lost their love for us and started resenting us.

For example - I ofter hear, "I kept this place SPARKLING every day, and it still wasn't good enough!" Conversely I hear, "I didn't have time or energy to keep up with the household, and WS held it against me."

I think it's one of those things that is used more as an excuse than an actual reason to pull away from the SAHP.

Our worth shouldn't be tied in any way to household chores. It took FWH 1 day of paternity leave to get that.

Just my $0.02 this morning.


Hugs and robo-vacuums.


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

Posts: 14703 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, September 6th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Posting as a member....

Still recovering from the career suicide of stay at home dadding. Where I live- the dad at home is not even remotely respected - more of a joke and a pity.

Ugh I hate hate hate this. As much as there is a stigma for women who stayed at home with their kids and want to get back to work, I imagine that with society's biased expectations it would be more difficult for a man trying to return to the workforce.

I went to an interview a few months ago, and got so far as to do a panel interview with some of the people on the team.

One woman asked me, and I QUOTE, "Since you have stayed at home for the last two years, do you feel you have grown as a person since you were not working?"

I wanted to fucking throw a chair.

Excuse me? While you were sitting here drinking lattes and typing on your computer, I was RAISING A HUMAN BEING. You spent 8 hours a day in this peer-based community of intellectual self-congratulates while I spent 24 hours feeding, bathing, clothing, entertaining, teaching, and loving another person! How have I GROWN?!?!

Blargh - end rant.

Productive afterthought - I think that we all need to band together and include parenting on our resume. Listing all the things we do throughout the day for our kids is worth something, dammit!

[This message edited by Jrazz at 12:11 PM, September 6th (Thursday)]


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

Posts: 14703 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
CallMeRed
♀ Member
Member # 36312
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, September 6th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SAHM of 3 here and I have been for 10 years.

Currently on the rollercoaster and not quite sure what the future holds with our M but we are both talking and thinking a lot.

My children are my reason for being, they have been since they were born. But it has been hard work. And mostly left to me with little help. WH also admitted last night he did feel a bit "left out" when they were babies.

And, yes, I have heard all about the fact that our house is not clean enough My children are content, happy and polite, healthy individuals. That is what matters to me.

Fearing having to get a low paid job if we split. I am currently researching benefits etc here in the UK and the picture is not as bleak as I first thought so not too worried in the short to medium term.


D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 41
Him - WH - 40
Stepchild: 16 Children: 9, 8, 5
Together 14 years, married 10.5 years.
Status: aiming for R with a Plan B just in case.

Posts: 275 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: England
quedagh
♂ Member
Member # 24195
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, September 6th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Perfect Rant, Jrazz!

In interviews (always men) I get the, "I wish I could spend more time like that," loaded statement. At first I did not recognize the tone.

I started answering (when the tone was obvious), "Well, I will never look back at fatherhood with regrets."

And... I agree- happy, healthy children are waaaay more important than the house all shiny.

I miss the days (now that they are older) when every pair of jeans I owned had giant holes in the knees from playing on the floor!


Divorced and safer, mostly.


Posts: 803 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Recovery Land
dameia
♀ Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, September 6th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I'm lucky that my H never really complained about the state of the house. He might occasionally say, "Wow, it's getting pretty messy in here" to which I would reply, "If it bothers you feel free to pick it up". That usually was the end of the conversation

I do feel like I don't get any respect for my choice to be a SAHM and I am having trouble finding work because of my lack of job history (been staying at home for the past 10 years). However, I have a ton of volunteer experience that is being overlooked. It's very time consuming to be a cookie mom for girl scouts, a room parent at school, and a teacher at the church. It does give me skills that can be used in a workplace, but many employers don't see it that way.


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

"People who live in a glass house have to answer the door" -Karl Pilkington


Posts: 993 | Registered: Jul 2012
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, September 6th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've faced a LOT of judgment for my decision to SAH. We made TREMENDOUS sacrifices to have it this way. Can't tell you how many times people ask if I'm looking for a job. It's like they think we sit around watching cartoons and eating cheerios all day!

I never say this in response to the judgment, but I KNOW that my child values my presence in her life (She goes to school here, as well) more than any material item I could work my butt off to give her. (Don't get me wrong, she has plenty!) In 20 years, she isn't going to thank me for the ________________ (*whatever*), but she'll thank me for being there. She already has. She was at her wits end with bullies in school and said she was so glad she had parents who were THERE for her.


Posts: 10967 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: North Carolina
hitbyatruck
♀ Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, September 6th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Love this thread! We really needed this!


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3277 | Registered: Apr 2009
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, September 6th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We need this space.

Recent text from WH states that I need to get a real job and start helping out and taking on responsibility. LMAO!!!!

I just blow him off.

I'm a really great mom & we had a committment for me to stay home with children. I gave up college - GPA of 3.9 to stay home with these children. He is never going to get how important it really is, so I just blow him off now.

Besides, he was coming in the house (bad choice of words lol) with OW while I was working my part time job, so why would I want to give them more time to break in and do whatever it is they like to do?????

Anyway, I sometimes feel the world has passed me by, that I don't have the nice clothes of the working people, nor can I keep up with their conversations...but...I am happy at home & my children really like me here after school!!!

I do have to get a job soon & it really stinks for my youngest even tho he is 12....

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 9:48 PM, September 6th (Thursday)]


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 1713 | Registered: Jan 2012
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, September 7th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do have to get a job soon & it really stinks for my youngest even tho he is 12....

Don't beat yourself up about it! The fact that you were home with him until 12 is wonderful.

My mom went back to work when my sister was in Middle School and I was in High School, and we saw such a positive change in her.

I think it will be really good for the family.


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

Posts: 14703 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
loveisareddress
♀ Member
Member # 36474
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, September 7th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Besides, he was coming in the house (bad choice of words lol) with OW while I was working my part time job, so why would I want to give them more time to break in and do whatever it is they like to do?????

OMG. I think that happened to me also.

I'm married to a gaslighter for almost 20 years.

Sucks.

I like being here for my kids and after putting up with his stuff all these years, I feel like I paid my effing dues and don't owe him a damn thing anymore.

I'd be perfectly happy to just stay here, but I'm wondering if he's fixing to yank the rug out when I least expect it so I need to get prepared for when it hits the fan.


Scorched earth-Like Peter the Great, he burns up his own territory in order to gain the upper hand while his own people suffer.

I don't need you to be happy. I just need you to leave me alone when I am.


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