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User Topic: Support for S A H Parents Affected by Infidelity
♀ Member
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a SAHHM also. Fortunately my girls are ok staying home alone since they are 14 & 16 at the moment. I'm also partially disabled, but not officially. I am a NYS Licensed Massage Therapist, tough to do massage if stsnding for an hour puts you in bed writhing in pain for a day. I am making plans tostart up my massage business anyway....

Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
♀ Member
Member # 39051
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I usually post on my rare ventures here in the divorce forum, however, as a stay at home mom, I felt this topic may just be best suited here.

I found out about the affair in April. I'm now 39, have 2 year old twins, and have been a stay at home mom since their birth.

Once the affair was caught and I went on the job hunt, I thought surely I'd not have TOO terrible a time getting hired. Yeah. Nice optimism, eh?

Didn't happen. I'm a high school graduate who had started my studies well into my thirties after many years waiting tables and bartending, before my first job in admin in 2000. Needless to say, I started at the absolute bottom of admin, but by the time I met my STBXH in 2003 I had a low paying but very positive job, which also was about to advance me and had agreed to pay college tuition right when we were getting married and I had to quit to follow him to his military duty station.
In hindsight, that was pretty much the beginning of the end of my career. Through nearly a decade together, I was able to find some other admin work, start college, then it was time for IVF as I was about to pass the threshold of who they would perform it for. I quit school, was a SAHM, and when the girls had just turned one the affair started, then there I was, applying for work for 8 months this year with NOTHING to show for it.

Guess what. As a fluke I thought, what the hell? I'll call some former classmates who were also non-traditional and get their take. EVERYONE agreed: go back to school. But how? My ex's income would rule me out of $$. I have two kids requiring daycare as my twins are 2. No one will hire me because I have neither a degree nor work history as of late.

Called FAFSA today. Here you go, you possible future students:

My last return was married filing joint, me a stay at home mom.

Doesn't matter. For the purpose of FAFSA, I file "Did not complete return"

(Granted, I am separated and in transition, but this may apply to you, so take note).

My ex and I agreed to each claim one of the twins. They are domiciled with me (Ms. Unemployed).

For FAFSA, I claim 3 in household and 2 exemptions. I then take this information to the university to apply for aid.

I asked, "Is this lying, since we filed jointly and he makes $$?"

Technically, no. I was a SAHM, we were separated at least 6 months during the previous year, and I had no income. The kids were domiciled with me.

So, if you are on the fence about returning to school, or starting school for the first time EVER:

I'm 39. I have two years to go. I started school in my thirties to begin with. YOU CAN DO THIS. I certainly didn't think I would even make it this far into finding a route to move forward, as I've been separated since April with NOTHING happening, and with no career or direction, I can't express the depression and heartbreak it has caused.

I say all this to inform you that even if you think it is absolutely impossible after an extended period of time to move forward, you just never know what might pop up via the voice in the back of your mind saying, "look here."

You know what is best for you. But what if you, like me, have nothing that anyone wants to hire you for that works within your family frame, but know that SOMETHING must happen to move forward?

I'm as intimidated as hell about starting school again, but let me tell you, a month ago, this wasn't even an option for me, because I thought it was impossible. I contacted a myriad of friends and family, started doing some homework and paperwork, explained my odd circumstances, and when I say the universe has conspired to help, well, that may sound corny, but I swear to you it did.

Please, if you are thinking there are no options for you, even if school isn't your answer, look look look for the answer that suits you. Pursue all avenues, even when it looks hopeless. I cannot tell you the difference this opportunity is making in my healing and recovery.

I wish all of you the best, Stay at Home Moms and Stay at Home Dads.

We have the toughest jobs, and I wouldn't trade a second with these kids for all the karma bus action ever. :-)

BW 39
WH 34
2DD's 15 months at start
Together 10 years, M 9
OW 22 CW, 2kids by 2 men & youngest less than 1 when affair started.
Dday 1 8/16/12 "just texting"
TT, gaslighting, denial; was always PA; he left me for her.

Posts: 126 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Free!!!
♀ Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I took a little baby step today in the right direction. I contacted our community college for an apt to speak to someone about their "workforce" classs. Programs designed to get you ready for the workforce. There are 3 that interest me. I guess I could be going to school as early as this summer.

First step, CHECK!!!

Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3277 | Registered: Apr 2009
♀ Member
Member # 13108
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hard to believe I haven't posted in this thread yet. My story might be a bit long, please bear with.

I am also on the "Double Betrayal" and "OC" sum it up, the A happened with someone I considered one of my closest friends, and she got pregnant and had a son by my husband.

I became a SAHM around the summer of 2001~ I was pregnant with our third daughter and had been working at a daycare at the time. Come to find out that OW and H talked and got together a few times while I was gone at work...including her showing up and messing around with him in our home.

H and I went on to have 3 more children, each of whom has been diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum. So on top of trying to keep up with everything else, I deal with their struggles and often have to go to meetings at their schools and such. Sometimes it has been to the point where I get called at least 5 times a week and have to pick them up from school more than 3 times a month. I've considered homeschool, but if I did that I don't know how I would manage a job on top of it all.

Once all of the kids were in school, I was able to find temporary work in the fall of 2012, a 2 week job. We had a major setback this past year however when OW decided that she wanted more child support than my H was paying her. The support office imputed an income to me based on 40 hours per week! This spun my head for a few reasons~ they are not even holding her to 40 hours per week, since she claims that she is legally only allowed to work up to 35 hours in the state she moved to (it is still considered FT hours however). Even if I did start working again, I did not plan on working full-time.

So now I am hesitant to go back to work, because I do NOT want to be working to give more money to her than she already gets (long story). One of my main reasons for wanting my own job is so that I can do more for myself and our kids...that wouldn't happen if she gets added support because of me having a job. So frustrating!

I've dealt with direct criticism from both her and her 2nd (p)XH for not regularly having my own job, which really set me off...even this past year she has made comments to my H about how I could be working. It just burns me up how after our whole history, she gets off trying to tell me what I *should* be doing. She had no regard for my feelings and has no business judging me for my choices and how I have lived my life, yet she does anyway.

Me~ BW 37
Married 14 years
6 children together and he has a son from his A
D-day #1~ May 4th, 2002
D-day #2~ June 27th, 2002
D-day of OC's paternity~ June 30th, 2004

slowly reconciling

Looking for the rainbow after the storm

Posts: 241 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: PA
♀ Member
Member # 41153
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yup, I'm a SAHM myself, and have been roughly for the last 16 years. I have worked at volunteering and also part-time as a substitute teacher. I definitely think that my own lack of prospects kept me with my WH way longer than I should have been.

We've moved so much in the last 16 years that I hate to think how confused and discombobulated the kids would be without me around for them as consistently as I have been, and I will never regret any time spent with them!

Thankfully, I also got my degrees over the last few years, and feel like if I am ever settled in a place, I could set myself and the kids up okay! Unfortunately, the last DDay came right after our last move (way to time it for optimal guilt factor), and the kids and I will be moving again this summer, which makes the job hunt way more complicated. I am really excited though because since we're moving to get away from WH, I will be able to stabilize us for a while. Here's to getting to establish a life! I might actually have time to find a hairdresser I like!

All optimism aside though, I am still struggling a lot with depression that this is NOT how I envisioned doing this, and a lot of resentment that while his life will change very little, mine has been completely blown apart.

"You're going to catch a cold from the ice inside your soul. Don't come back for me. Who do you think you are?"

WS (him)-SA/NPD
D-Day: Too many to count. LAST time: 16 October 2013.
Separating on the road to brighter things.

Posts: 89 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: A little bit closer to Reality
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, edited because not directly related to infidelity. Will be more careful.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 2:57 PM, January 16th (Thursday)]

Find peace. Or sleep on it.

Posts: 3762 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
♀ New Member
Member # 42025
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Joining this club. I'm a sahm with 2 children, 9 and 1 yr old. I never finished college because I got married. I regret it now. I feel so lost in life. I feel like my husband did this because he knows I can't leave him. He even admitted "you need me, you can't make me go". :( I want to show him I can survive on my own, with or without him.

DDay - December 2013 and January 2014

Posts: 38 | Registered: Jan 2014
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome, parents! I'm sorry that you find yourself in this position, but there is hope. Whether Reconciliation is desired or even an option, or if you wish you could break free from your situation... you can get there.

The big idea that always gave me hope is "small steps." Little, bitty ducks that you line up whenever you have the energy. We balance a ton and sacrifice so much, but there are resources out there to help us if we know where to look.

Just want to give everyone a big hug today.

For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

Posts: 14717 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
♀ Member
Member # 40170
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't see any posts similar to my situation but haven't read the whole thread either. My soon to be ex-husband was a stay at home dad. He would work intermittently but something would always happen to end the job. I have a good job and can support us. He had an affair. During the affair he accused me constantly of having one. Blamed me for the affair saying I was just a paycheck and a meal ticket. Which is funny because in order to have his affair I had to have been taking care of kids. So I have left him. And he says high and dry.

I struggle with thinking that I must have just been awful for him to abuse me and cheat on me knowing that he had nowhere to go once I'd had enough. Or maybe he thought I would never do it. Or he is just more broken then I ever knew.

Me BS 32
3 kids
Divorcing, though he isn't on board.
DDay July 13'

Posts: 241 | Registered: Aug 2013
SI Staff
Member # 10
Red  Posted: 7:57 AM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


This thread is for SAH parents only. Please repost your concerns in the General forum. I'm sure you will find the support that you need there.

Thank you.

Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
Topic Posts: 110
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