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User Topic: Support for S A H Parents Affected by Infidelity
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 1:18 AM, September 10th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jrazz

Thanks!

Loveis

This is so hard to get thru,,, but I am so happy I have been at home as long as I have!!!!!


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 1714 | Registered: Jan 2012
rainfan
♀ Member
Member # 32117
Default  Posted: 6:51 AM, September 10th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been a SAHM since the birth of our only son, nearly 8 LONG years, and I have enjoyed (nearly) every bit of it. There were times when my husband was away for a month or more at a time with his work, and we chose not to pursue daycare due to the expense. FWH really dropped the ball in the parenting department those first 5 years, and I think that was part of the reason he felt so poorly about himself leading up to his A. I know I resented the hell out of him for it, in fact on DDAY, I told him from that day on, he was going to be Mary effing Poppins, at that point he was to be the primary caregiver and I was taking finished taking the brunt of that responsibility. In fact, when his A started, he was basically unemployed and I had started working full time. Those were the worst 3-4 months of our relationship, I was ready to throw in the towel, way before discovering his A.

Anyway, now I work 2 days a week, always keeping in mind that if this reconciliation does not work out, I will be fully back in the workforce and that is so scary. It will be so tough financially.


BS 41
WH 39
7 year old child
M 9yrs
Together 16yrs
DDay 9/28/10

Posts: 170 | Registered: May 2011
nordicbabe
♀ Member
Member # 35419
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, September 10th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another SAHM here. I gave up my career to support his about 8 years ago, when his really took off and we had to move a few times for it.

We had loads of discussions about what i was giving up and he was absolutely clear that he would always have my back. Apparently with a knife in it.

He now tells me I'm lazy and sit around the house doing nothing all day and berates me to get a job, which is not easy in my field in the area we live in.

I am looking but no luck yet. I seriously regret giving up my career for him and cannot believe what kind of position I've found myself in.


Posts: 1468 | Registered: Apr 2012
Beneficence
♀ Member
Member # 36129
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, September 10th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nordicbabe -

We had loads of discussions about what i was giving up and he was absolutely clear that he would always have my back. Apparently with a knife in it.

*snort!* That is sooooo true. We had the same discussions - how nervous I was to quit work and I didn't want to be vulnerable, blah blah blah. He always swore up and down everything would be great. It was less than 6 months after that he started the 10 years of cheating.


D-Day: 12/27/11
Me: BS, Stay-at-home mom, 36
Him: SAWS, 38
Married 14 years, discovered 10 years of affairs on D-Day, now separated
Two awesome kidlets, 10, 7

Posts: 60 | Registered: Jul 2012
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, September 13th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just talked to a good friend today who has been through a lot of this.

They have 2 kids, she's home with them. Her WH doesn't even speak to her anymore.

It just hurts my heart that she lovingly mothers those children every day and that's not even worth the dignity of acknowledgement from him.

Hugs to moms and dads today who put their kids first because it's their loving instinct. You are very special, important people.


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

Posts: 14718 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Kiwigirl
♀ Member
Member # 36185
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, September 17th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi there mums and dads
I am a SAHM until tomorrow. I think my being that enabled his A (not blaming myself here). Once I gave up work to look after our 4 children he began to view me differently and very clearly began to separate his home life and work life. He lied about money, going out and eventually had an A. He lived like a single man for 18 months while I was at home looking after the children. All the financial sacrifices of being a one income family were borne by me and the children. He just used his credit card and hid the statements from me. 5 years after meeting him I am in a much worse financial position than when I met him. I used up all my savings to pay off the debt I knew about, unknowingly we have been paying off the rest in monthly instalments all along. He was off having his cake while I was living in this whole other world caring for our family and bearing all the responsibility for them.

Now I have to go back to work, I start tomorrow. In some ways it is a good thing. I will get my independence back, i may be able to leave him if R doesn't work, I may own my own home one day. But I am so angry. The only reason I agreed to having the third child (which turned out to be twins) is that I would be SAHM. I said at the time that a bigger family needs that extra commitment, that it was the only way it would work. I didn't want another child but I had one on that basis. Now he can't deal with the stress, acting out by having A etc, and just to protect myself and my children, I have to go back to work. I am so p####ed off and resentful.

I think that you can't do anything more important for your children than be there at home for them. I know they would e better off if it was me at home with them. I hate that he has taken that choice away from me.

Sorry about venting. So glad there is a thread where people might understand all this.


BS - 36 (me)
WH - 34

D-Day 19 April 2012
Trying R


Posts: 118 | Registered: Jul 2012
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, September 19th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey kiwigirl. I totally hear your frustration. I think we all do.

I think that you can't do anything more important for your children than be there at home for them. I know they would e better off if it was me at home with them. I hate that he has taken that choice away from me.

I've seen families do well with both the parents at work, but it's a whole different ball game if it's not your choice in the first place. My mom stayed home with my sister and I, and she was unhappy in her marriage, and it totally affected us.

Now that your circumstances have changed, you're offering them the NEW best option which is gaining some independence and showing them how to make the best of a hard situation.

The game was changed and we are given new rules. I'm really excited for you that you're taking this new step. I have some resentment for my FWH "forcing" my hand to go back to work in some way, but the 2.5 years I've had with DD have been wonderful, and I'm going to make home time count more than ever when I go back to work. Please don't be hard on yourself for not being home. You're going to do wonderfully, and your kids will be fine because you are raising them right.

Keep us posted on how it goes!


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

Posts: 14718 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, September 19th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so glad to see this thread. I think SAH parents have a lot of extremely difficult challenges when infidelity is thrust upon them.

I like many of you, chose to SAH and gave up a career to do so. With an agreement that the WH would hold his end of the bargain. Well, as it turns out he was unfaithful before we were even married, so obviously any other agreements made were also tainted and not upheld.

Infidelity is gut-wrenching enough, a horrid betrayal difficult to get over in and of itself. Add to the mix when they have squandered your finances and put you in circumstances that make a clean exit or plan B impossible, it's torture. I moved out of state to follow his job. Now as a resident of this state, I can't leave this state with the kids without a complicated custody agreement that forces me to pay for transportation for the kids to have visitation with WH.

I've had to do a lot of things I never thought I'd do:
investigate all my separation and divorce options
get money put in a bank account he can't touch
get a safe deposit box and a PO box he can't access
pay lawyer fees equivalent to getting a D to set up a post-nup in hopes of avoiding a messy D in the future
only to realize that even with spousal support in the agreement, if he decided to continue his wandering (with prostitutes, anonymous hookups, etc) he could lose his career and all his earning potential, which would mean not even child support for our three kids
figure out how I can get back into the workforce after not being in it for 8 years, in one of the most depressed area of the US with one of the highest unemployment rates
figure out a legal workaround so I am not tied to this state if I need to take my kids and go

EVERY decision, EVERY action I have taken as a result of his infidelity has been affected by me being a SAHM. Because we have kids, I can't get him out of my life forever. Because I have no earning power, I didn't have the means to throw him out on DDay. Because I couldn't leave the state without potentially facing federal kidnapping charges, I couldn't even go live with my parents with the kids to get back on my feet. I have not been able to do anything that I would have been my first instinct if I had instead chosen to work outside the home and remain a stronger earner.

And while we are trying to R, it's only because I have had to stay while building the seemingly impossible Plan B, and have seen him finally do the work to fix himself and our M. Yet I still will always have the safety net account/safe deposit box/PO box/etc of my own, because I will never 100% trust him or anyone again.

I don't have any regrets choosing to SAH. It has been a privilege and a gift to be there for my kids and watch them grow up. I can't even regret being with WH, because without him I wouldn't have these three great kids. What I do regret is that there aren't more positive options available to SAH parents when they are affected by infidelity. There should be punitive damages awarded in a fault divorce when the SAH parent is betrayed.

Anyway, this is angry and rambling but I'm glad this thread is here.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:21 AM, September 21st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well put and posted, hathnofury.

Welcome to the thread.


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

Posts: 14718 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 6:14 AM, September 21st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SAH homeschooling mom here. Have been for 11 years.

And I had NO idea how vulnerable this made me. Then DDay 1 I began to have an idea. 1 year of false recovery, then he got fired for sexual harassment and OMFG I have a full idea of how vulnerable I am.

He's been unemployed (and unable to get unemployment due to why he was terminated) for 2 months now. We've had to borrow. Cobra is 1700 a month! We've had to go on food stamps. He's working under the table for FIL making 1/3 of what he used to make while he's trying to get another job. He has been passed over for 3 now. *sigh*

Once he is working again I will be squirreling away money like you won't believe. Even though we are trying to R, I will NEVER EVER be put in this situation again. I mean I sold my goats on cragslist for goodness sakes for groceries shortly after he got fired. (what savings we did have were eaten by cobra for 2 months)


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 1993 | Registered: Feb 2012
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 2:51 AM, September 22nd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That sounds amazingly difficult, SB, yet you sound really strong. I'm so sorry that you've been through all of that.

We all need to take a page from your book and learn that constructing a safety net is not a bad thing.

(((SamanthaBaker)))


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

Posts: 14718 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 6:52 AM, September 22nd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Jrazz, but I don't feel very strong at all. Yesterday was our 12 year anniversary and I've been a complete mess this week. He wanted to "celebrate" and mark it as a new beginning. I was like WTF? What's there to celebrate, the fact that the past 5 years, almost half of our marriage has been a complete lie? I couldn't do it. I could not put on a fake happy face and do it.

It's been two months since the second DDay and I'm just utterly exhausted. I've gotten out of the shock and numb phase and I'm in the anger/rage phase. He's being very understanding, he's showing remorse, he's going to his SA meetings like clockwork. But I can not wrap my head around everything he's done. I just can't.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 1993 | Registered: Feb 2012
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, September 22nd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think there's some unrealistic, yet deeply ingrained notion that we are supposed to have everything figured out based on the information presented to us.

In our day to day lives we come across conflicts, and we find the best way to resolve them and move on.

This isn't like being out of milk or breaking an arm. There's no prescribed A-Z for how to get through this to effectively move on, and yet we are constantly holding on to the notion that we should have a solution, or gameplan at least.

The best advice people gave me here in the first year was to cut myself slack for not having my head screwed on, and to give myself way more time to see how I feel about everything.

In regards to your husband wanting to celebrate the anniversary, I remember going through a lot of that tug-o-war with FWH. Not that it is remotely our fault, but they ARE kinda in a damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don't spot when it comes to celebrations for a while. What I mean is that while our hearts aren't in to celebrating anything, we also want our FWS to acknowledge any possible thing that could be meaningful. If they had ignored the holiday it would have been a million times worse, but as it stands it's also too difficult to comprehend unwrapping gifts and exchanging pleasantries.

When I was able to communicate to Crazz that I needed him to make a ton of effort - ALL the effort sometimes, and be prepared for me to reject the offer, he was able to see that just showing me that he was always willing to do what it takes helped me to slowly feel better, and to participate in family things baby step by baby step.

If you can get your WS to understand that shelving their ego and being flexible for you will go miles towards healing, you may be able to get back into a better space sooner.

Hugs hugs hugs.


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

Posts: 14718 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, September 22nd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now that your circumstances have changed, you're offering them the NEW best option which is gaining some independence and showing them how to make the best of a hard situation.

BAM! There it is. My Good Thought for the day.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8787 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
OnAnIsland
♀ Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, September 22nd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great thread. Thanks. I became a sahm 3 years ago when we moved for his job to a place where I can not work. Ironically, he felt like he didn't know who I was after this mutually agreed on change in family division of labor. And he began his affair within the first year of me being a sahm. Now I worry that I stay because of how vulnerable I am. And the situation we have put ourselves in with his job and choices surrounding our boy's schooling. We will see how this plays out.


D-day: Christmas 2011 when i saw a text from MarriedOW to WH
D-day 2: 3/28/2013: confessed phone sex over 10 years ago (2000 or 2001) with another OW

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school


Posts: 1424 | Registered: Dec 2011
uprooted
♀ New Member
Member # 36843
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, September 22nd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am in the same situation as many of you. I have been a SAHM for 11 years. We have moved 3 times for his career since I have been at home. I never thought I would have to worry about financing an exit plan. Luckily we have very little debt but in a few years our 3 kids will start going off to college so we are saving for that.

He wanted to "celebrate" and mark it as a new beginning. I was like WTF? What's there to celebrate, the fact that the past 5 years, almost half of our marriage has been a complete lie?

I am in the same situation. Our anniversary is next week and he wants to celebrate too. My WH also had a LTA of 5 years. I just don't know what there is to celebrate. We are in R and he has put forth the effort but I just don't feel it. He is remorseful and says he has moved on and won't ever do anything like that again. Well, good for him. I haven't moved on. I am still struggling and just can't seem to move past this pain.


ME: BS (44)
HIM: WS (46)
DDAY: December 2011 after 5 yr EA & PA
MARRIED: 19 YRS, together 25
3 kids: 15, 11, 9
R: Trying

Posts: 19 | Registered: Sep 2012
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, September 22nd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for this thread!

Another SAHM here, for nearly eight years. I made a big mistake when I was 28, and I gave up my career to marry my now-STBX. I loved that career. But instead, I gave it up and moved to my current city, a place where it's impossible to pursue my former career.

I did work for years afterwards until having my first child. After struggling with infertility for five years, I was thrilled to become pregnant. Now I have two children, 6 and 7.

Like several others here, I am married to a man who developed a lot of serious problems through the years: he's a sex addict and has NPD. I was distracted with my two babies for a while. His personal problems have dramatically affected his income. My child support will be miserly. I can't begin to live on it. And like Hath, I can not move back to my parents without a potential legal battle.

I have to add that I've worked with two female divorce attorneys, and neither bothered to hide their contempt at my situation. Not the sex addiction. Not the NPD! But the fact that I'm a SAHM. My therapist also keeps referring to my marriage as "a very traditional 1950s situation."

I suppose I've been surrounded by very comfortable SAHMs and very polite working moms who would NEVER express these thoughts out loud. Because I've never heard them before in real life. I know tons of women who stay home happily and raise their kids. Many had high-powered careers beforehand. Some go back to work eventually, some don't. But NONE would express contempt. I think it's because I'm so vulnerable - an easy target. And it's made me a little nervous as I try to prepare myself to face the working world again.

Most importantly, though, if I had to do it all over again, I would still stay home. Never again will I have that precious, amazing time with my kiddies. I just hope and pray that they got enough love and security that it will protect them through this divorce.


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, September 22nd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It never ceases to dismay me that some people look down their noses at staying home to raise your children. Well, their loss that they don't have enough compassion in them to understand the fulfillment of having your life's work be safeguarding and loving a child.

I'm looking forward to firing my career back up ASAP, but I also cherish every second I have with DD.

ChoosingHope - your kids will love and respect you for being so strong for them. They will see and feel it.


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

Posts: 14718 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, September 24th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm looking for inspiration. Are there any former SAHMs here who have already started over in new careers or jobs?

I'm working on my resume, and my eight years at home don't look very good on paper! Has anyone dealt with this yet? I am going to put down that I'm a freelance editor and just list my freelance projects and clients.

Thank you!!!


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
Kiwigirl
♀ Member
Member # 36185
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, September 24th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi there

Jrazz you are so right. It's just been a week and it feels good. I can't post or read more right now because my dad is visiting us but I will be back to this thread shortly to see you all

Just wanted to say thanks to jrazz for the supportive words and for hearing me vent!

X


BS - 36 (me)
WH - 34

D-Day 19 April 2012
Trying R


Posts: 118 | Registered: Jul 2012
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