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User Topic: Support for S A H Parents Affected by Infidelity
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, September 24th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hope, what I've heard people do is list SAHM as their occupation, then list the applicable job skills used as a SAHM to the jobs you are applying for. Also helpful if you can supplement it with job skills used in volunteering at the kids' school, church, scouts, soccer, whatever.

Jobs are so scarce here that I am currently considering elderly overnight homecare. It may literally be my only choice for a job right now. I was really hoping to get some sort of 3rd shift part time work at a major business that I could then transfer to a full time salaried job when all three kids are in school full time, but those jobs just aren't available here.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
Kiwigirl
♀ Member
Member # 36185
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, September 24th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was lucky and didn't have to do that as I went back to my old job and it had only been three years, they needed someone like me right now so I was lucky but I think hathnofury is right. You need to be creative in the way you think about what you've been doing as a SAHM, list real skills you will have learnt: effective time management, budgeting etc. Then look for opportunities to volunteer, do courses, even retrain if that is affordable. Speak to people you think may know about what sorts of jobs are still in demand right now. So a friend of mine has retrained as a podiatrist (or something similar) because apparently they are a job that is still hard to fill even in a recession. She can do it from her own home and mainly makes house calls to old people (her main customers) and can make appts round her children. I don't think it was her dream job but it is working out really well for her.

[This message edited by Kiwigirl at 2:14 PM, September 24th (Monday)]


BS - 36 (me)
WH - 34

D-Day 19 April 2012
Trying R


Posts: 118 | Registered: Jul 2012
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, September 24th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have some SAH parent friends who have successfully reentered the workforce. I think that we're facing a double whammy because the job market is so tough right now. Utilizing ANY personal connections you have is really key.

I'm struggling to find something that fits the schedule I'm hoping to keep with DD, but I'm optimistic.

My secret trick to anyone looking for a job is to cold call. Don't wait for a job listing to open up. Gather emails or physical addresses of places you would like to work, and send them your resume and a cover letter explaining that although you have not heard of openings at that particular company, it has always been a desire of yours to work there and you would like to submit your application for any future openings.

I have gotten 2 jobs by doing that. It was awesome.

Big hugs to everyone today!

[This message edited by Jrazz at 3:40 PM, September 24th (Monday)]


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

Posts: 14742 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, September 24th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, all. It's all really helpful advice.

Jrazz, I love your suggestion of writing to places where I would love to work. I would love to work in communications at my city's children's hospital, for example, so maybe I'll try approaching them. A friend also knows someone there and suggested volunteering there in the communications department while I search for jobs. So that's another tip for job searchers.

Thanks!
Hope


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
onason
♀ Member
Member # 36860
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, September 25th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Venting.... sorry

So after both of us decided I would stay home with the kids over 6 years ago I find out now that he resents me staying home with the kids and "doing nothing" with my life.

I am now looking for work to do in the evenings so he will have to figure out how to effing get them fed, bathed and to bed in time so that they are not grumpy in the morning for school.

I am just so angry but now I feel like I just need to get my career back on track and figure out what I want/can do once my daughter is in kindergarten next year. And then I guess she will spend half her day in a daycare, at boys and girls club or do full day kindergarten if I get picked in the lottery and can afford the $360/mo.

So.Freakin.Angry!

What I have been doing over the last year is taking in kids to watch here and there, doing data entry from home (very little work so far) and clipping coupons.

I.Am.No.Superwoman.I.Am.Tired

But no, I JUST stay home so the house should be spotless, I should be in shape, I should put out every night, I should have homecooked meals on the table every night, the sink should be clear of dishes at all times..... blah blah blah. Mind you I have to make 90% of our meals from scratch to save money and to keep my WH healthy as he has a kidney disease. But I do nothing, right!

Oh, I wake up at 5:45 2-3 days a week to take in one child whose parents work early shift. I volunteer at my daughter's co-op preschool, I am on the PTSA board at my son's school. Then I take care of an infant at least 2 days a week. Oh and my daughter takes ballet and my son does sports of all kinds. But I do nothing.....


Me 37
WH 42
Together 18 years, Married 8
DS 6, DD 4

DDay#1 9/14/2012
DDay#2 10/12/2012 same OW, it never stopped

I am dead inside, he says he wants to make our M work....


Posts: 59 | Registered: Sep 2012
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, September 25th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((onason)))

He's not being critical because of who YOU are or what you do, he's being critical because there's something wrong inside of him.

It sounds like on top of all your personal responsibilities you're doing a lot for friends as well. Considering everything you're going through, is it at all possible to tell the other parents that you have a schedule shift coming up and they need to make alternate arrangements? It's not mean or bad not to take on other people's issues, it's life and they should understand.

I'd just like to see you get those couple hours of sleep back in the morning. I wish there was someone like YOU around to help you.

Hugs.


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

Posts: 14742 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
dameia
♀ Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, September 25th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As far as the resume goes, I'm in the same boat.

I've been a SAHM for 10 (almost 11) years. I don't have anything to put on a resume!!

So what I've done is put all my volunteer work on there. All the work at the kids schools...being a room parent shows my organizational skills, effective communication, stuff along those lines. Being a cookie mom for girl scouts shows my data input skills, accounting, etc.

It looks pretty sad when written down, but at this point there's nothing I can do to change it. I have also thought about volunteering at a hospital or church. Once they get to know you they might look more favorably on your resume when a job opens. Just a thought!


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

"People who live in a glass house have to answer the door" -Karl Pilkington


Posts: 996 | Registered: Jul 2012
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, September 25th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also have a tip: temp work. I have gotten two jobs in the past from temping and the company didn't want me to get away.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
Please1983
♀ Member
Member # 35894
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, September 25th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just noticed this tread, it's a good idea.
Reading other people's post is a good reminder to me to make sure I am protected as much as possible for the future in case I ever end up with another dday.
I went back to work part time after my first was born 3&1/2 years ago and then took my full years maternity leave after my second was born 2 years ago, before we decided together that it was best for us all if I didn't go back to work.
One month later - Dday. WTF!!! He let me hand in my resignation while he was busy "falling in love" with a 19 year old student placement at his work.
I had never felt so vulnerable or stupid in my life.
I had also been stupid enougth 2 years before Dday to put down a 40,000 deposit of my own money from the sale of my own flat for our current home while he put down nothing. I had and still have nothing in place to protect that money, I don't think now there would be anything I could do.
We are not even married. I would have been left with NOTHING if we had separated.
Luckily we are Ring quite well but this thread has really reminded me to look into what I can do to protect me and the kids just in case.
Thank you SI.


BS me 30
WS him 31 (thankyou1981)
OW 19 year old at his work
Together 9 years
3 boys. 4, 3 and baby.
D-day 20 aug 2011

Posts: 187 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: UK
onason
♀ Member
Member # 36860
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, September 25th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All day today I have been job searching.

Currently my schedule around kids' school schedule is M-F 8pm-11pm and Weekends.

Any advice on where to look for this type of schedule??


Me 37
WH 42
Together 18 years, Married 8
DS 6, DD 4

DDay#1 9/14/2012
DDay#2 10/12/2012 same OW, it never stopped

I am dead inside, he says he wants to make our M work....


Posts: 59 | Registered: Sep 2012
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, September 25th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Onason, I am in a similar boat. I have an interview Thursday for a position in homecare for seniors. I've told them I only want to work 3rd shift type hours, and only 12-15 hours a week. So that would be short shifts like your hours or 2 overnight shifts. I wasn't sure if that was the kind of hours they needed to cover or limitations they needed to work with, but appears they do.

I know when my parents had to care for their parents in the last stages of their lives, it was extremely difficult to find people to do homecare in the evenings and at night. And quite frankly the job itself does not attract the best and brightest, because it is somewhat depressing and at times physically difficult or mentally draining, and the pay is fairly low. Anyone needing homecare during those hours would be thrilled to have someone like you.

My only other suggestion is maybe looking into a hostess position at a restaurant, because they need people for short shifts to seat people during the dinner rush.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, September 27th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Still recovering from the career suicide of stay at home dadding. Where I live- the dad at home is not even remotely respected - more of a joke and a pity.

Was the same here-some employers actually thought I had gone to the pen and just didn't want to admit it. I really regret depending on another for $$$$. Never again. Now I make about half what I made before...


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5360 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, September 27th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to say I have the final draft of my post-nup in my hand <happy dance> and I couldn't be more pleased. It was a condition of R for me. I thought I would note some of the more genius things in there that apply to SAH parents. YMMV in your state/country, but they are worth investgating if they are applicable in your situation:

I get non-modifiable spousal support monthly for life (until my death or remarriage), and if his income changes he still is liable for that amount (so if he's laid off or whatever, he does not get off the hook).

He forever waives all claims for spousal support from me.

I am a irrevocable beneficiary under his life insurance policies, and he is required to submit proof yearly of such insurance to me in the amount that will cover my spousal support on an annual basis. And if he dies, right after the tax man, I get first dibs on his estate for any outstanding spousal support.

He has agreed to assume all our consumer debt accrued until now if we split. Additionally, any jointly and voluntarily accrued marital debt afterward, I am obligated to only pay a percentage of the debt equal to my income as a percentage of our combined income.

I have the option to leave this state and return to my home state with the kids at any time. It is difficult otherwise for me to relocate from this state with the kids.

If the divorce is initiated due to his infidelity, WH has to pay the first $10k of my lawyer fees. This is really the only area in my state where any concept of "at fault" applies.

If either of us challenge what's in the post nup later on, that person must pay the first $10k of the other's lawyer's fees.

I hope these are helpful. If anyone else has other things to add to the list, I'm all ears.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
carey
♀ Member
Member # 35829
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, September 27th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a SAHM too!! I have 2 children 10 & 5 yrs old. I worked FT until I had my first child. Luckily, I was able to work PT at the same company, after both children were born. I liked working PT because other than going to work, I really never went out.

3 yrs ago, I lost my job & have been a SAHM since.

The MOW was a SAHM too. Actually, she claimed she worked from home. But, I don't know how she did that when she was always texting/sexting/sending pics/making videos for my WH!!

She was the "team mom" of our sons hockey team that my WH coached, so, I got to spend a lot of time w/her. Lucky me!!


me(BW) 41
him (WH) 40
D-day 1/17/12
together for 22yrs, married 12 yrs.
2 children ages 10 & 5
You can close your eyes
to the things you don't
want to see. You can't close
your heart to the things you don't want to feel.

Posts: 540 | Registered: Jun 2012
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, October 3rd (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hath,
You did an amazing job on the doc. Are you requiring him to pay the annual life insurance premiums upfront at the beginning of each year, and then show proof that they were paid?

I'm working on this as part of my divorce settlement agreement, but my attorney tells me it's nearly impossible to enforce. She says that he might simply stop paying the premiums at any point, and it would take me a while to figure it out. By then the policy would be null and void.

So she suggested that I pay the premiums, which would be nearly $500 a month!

And yes, I am a SAHM with no salary yet.

(((Carey))) The OW in my case has a very high-powered job, yet she spends at least four hours a day there sexting and texting, etc. I just wrote this to let you know that you are not alone! I'm amazed to learn what some people choose to do with their time.

[This message edited by ChoosingHope at 8:13 AM, October 3rd (Wednesday)]


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, October 3rd (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Was the same here-some employers actually thought I had gone to the pen and just didn't want to admit it.

What. The. HECCCK!?!?!?

People can be so lame sometimes.

Well, your reward is getting to spend some precious time in this life with your kids. That's what I turn to when I feel frustrated - I just look at DD and think of all the good times we've had together.



For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

Posts: 14742 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
cantbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 22028
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, October 4th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love this thread. 25 years ago, we agreed that I would stay at home with the kids. At first my H thought I'd go back to work when they started school (3 kiddos). His hours were long (work-a-holic) and I/we decided I'd continue to stay home. I volunteered and was at every school function, awards, pickup, drop-off, pick them up when sick, doctors, sports practice, etc. I could go on and on, but everyone here knows what's involved in being a SAHP. Then, after 21 years, I discover that my H had been involved in an A for 4 years. I panicked. How on earth could I find a job after being out of the workforce for 21 years. I started thinking about job hunting and/or volunteering and he started reducing his hours and work and is working hard at finding "fun" things for us to do in retirement.

I am one of the lucky ones (I guess, if you call facing infidelity lucky). Because of all his hard work, we are extremely financially set. My youngest left for college this year and 2 weeks later we took a trip to the Grand Canyon (just the 2 of us)

Even though I am approaching 4 years out, I still struggle daily with his A and I still check up. I've learned so much from this forum that I know if I face another dday, I'm prepared to take him down!!!

There are no promotions, raises, travel or perks to being a SAHP, but the rewards of being there for your kids as long as you can outweigh all of that.

[This message edited by cantbelieve at 1:23 PM, October 4th (Thursday)]


Me: BS (57)
Him: WS (58)
LTA 4 years with co-worker
DS(26)
DD(23)
DD(19)
Married 28 years
D-day1 5/08
D-day2 11/08
Status: 6 yrs and wondering if I'll ever be truly happy again

Posts: 1044 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: DFW
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, October 4th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not a SAHM now. I was for a while after my first child was born. My CS was an alcoolic and cheated on me a long time. I had no way to get out as his parents had plenty of $$ and would help him fight for custody of my daughter. My family was 1100 miles away and could not help me. I worked a few odd jobs during those years, but hated them all. I finally got sick of it and went to college at age 30. I had a full time waitress job, went to college full time, and took care of my daughter. CS#1 hurt his back, went on SSI, and never lifted his fingers to do a thing around the house and is still on SSI until this day. He hasn't worked in 25 years. I got pregnant during my college time, but did not quit. I just added more stress to my already stressful life. I was determined to never be put in the situation again of depending on someone else for my income and well being. Well, he finally did cheat again and I was through with him. It cost me 2 yrs to get the divorce and 5 years to pay off all my credit cards from paying lawyers, but at least I was free of him at last and could support myself. I mistakenly fell for my now CS#2 during my divorce and we married shortly after it was final. He thought I was a real catch because I worked, made good money, and his first wife couldn't hold down a job but for a few months. We always had our own bank accounts, paid half the bills due, split basically everything. That didn't matter, he still cheated on me. I have now not worked in a year, due to emotional and health problems as a result of his 3 yr affair. I had decided to start my own business from my home and am finally starting to get that off and running I hope. I just want to get back to being finacially able to walk away from this mess and get on with my life. My best friend has been at SAHM for over 20 years. Now her husband wants her to get a job and has basically cut her off from his $$ except to pay bills and buy groceries. It has really caused a major problem in their marriage and at her age she is scared to even try to get a job. She says they just take her application and she never hears from them. I have always envied SAHM, but also know the risks they take by doing so when push comes to shove. When your spouses decide to stray and when the kids are finally grown, then what will happen??? Just something to think about IMO.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
DragnHeart
♀ Member
Member # 32122
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, October 4th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a member of this club, for the moment anyways. I'm looking for work although trying to find something that doesn't overlap wh hours is rather frustrating...


Posts: 2760 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Canada
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, October 4th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hope asked:
Are you requiring him to pay the annual life insurance premiums upfront at the beginning of each year, and then show proof that they were paid?
I'm working on this as part of my divorce settlement agreement, but my attorney tells me it's nearly impossible to enforce. She says that he might simply stop paying the premiums at any point, and it would take me a while to figure it out. By then the policy would be null and void.

So she suggested that I pay the premiums, which would be nearly $500 a month!

Well, no, because his current life insurance is through his employer and is deducted though his paycheck. And some of it is free. But he still has to show me he has it at regular intervals.

My L also suggested taking out a life insurance policy on WH on my own, for my own safety. For the worst case scenario, like he gets fired, then commits suicide, that sort of thing. I have not done that but as soon as I go back to work I am definitely looking into it. I won't be able to afford $500/mo for sure but I am sure I could find something that would help some in that event.

[This message edited by hathnofury at 2:53 PM, October 4th (Thursday)]


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
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