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User Topic: Support for S A H Parents Affected by Infidelity
quedagh
♂ Member
Member # 24195
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, October 10th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fear-

As if the job quest isn't difficult enough...

My ex WW has threatened time and time again that she would go after more custody if my job situation changes and I do not have the flexibility I have with the contract work I do now.

Isn't it enough that I gave up half the time (from 95%) during the marriage?

Ugh. This sword hangs over my head every time I target a resume and work up a letter.

Intellectually I know how hard it is to change established custody... emotionally it takes its toll... financially I know she would force the issue just to drain the resources she resents paying me at the D.


Divorced and safer, mostly.


Posts: 803 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Recovery Land
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, October 15th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Intellectually I know how hard it is to change established custody... emotionally it takes its toll... financially I know she would force the issue just to drain the resources she resents paying me at the D.

I'm so sorry.

I'm also having difficulty wrapping my brain around the fact that people don't put their kids first, and use them as bargaining chips.

I wish I knew more about "the system" to offer you advice. You're kids are always going to know you as a man who tries to to the right thing.

(((quedagh)))


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

Posts: 14718 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
hurtandscared30
♀ New Member
Member # 37127
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, October 17th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am also a SAHM...I have no money of my own, no car, and a poor work history (because of the impulsive way I quit my one job-it was a long term job)so I haven't been able to find a job. I have been out of work for nearly 3 years now...our oldest child (a girl)is 16 months old, and we also have a 3 month old son. Since the birth of our boy, I have caught my husband engaging in extremely inappropriate online behavior multiple times. Profiles on hook-up sites, sexual emails from women, etcetera. Now everytime he says he has a work meeting I'm scared he's really hooking up with some random chick...when he's spending large blocks of time on his phone or on the computer I'm scared he's texting/chatting with other women, or browsing womens profiles on hook-up sites. I hate not having a job...at least if I did I could start saving money in case I decide we can't reconcile and I need to leave.


BS: Me 30
WS: Him 33
DD: 19 months old
DS: 6 months old
D-day 1: August 19th 2012
D-day 2: August 30th
D-day 3: September 5th
D-day 4: October 2nd

Posts: 35 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Washington
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, October 17th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hurtandscared)))
I'm so sorry you're in this position with such little babies.

Do you have family nearby who might be able to help with childcare if you tried to get a part-time job, just to get some recent job experience for your resume?

(((HUGS)))


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
hurtandscared30
♀ New Member
Member # 37127
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, October 17th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ChoosingHope- Most of my family live about a 30 minute drive away, the rest even farther. I do have one friend nearby who has said she would be willing to watch them when she's not working...the real problem is actually finding a job. I've applied for around 70 jobs in the past two months, and have even called back to check on application status, but haven't even gotten an interview yet.


BS: Me 30
WS: Him 33
DD: 19 months old
DS: 6 months old
D-day 1: August 19th 2012
D-day 2: August 30th
D-day 3: September 5th
D-day 4: October 2nd

Posts: 35 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Washington
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:28 AM, October 19th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've applied for around 70 jobs in the past two months, and have even called back to check on application status, but haven't even gotten an interview yet.

Even though the time drain is SOOOO discouraging, this is completely normal and in no way a reflection on you.

It is a brutal job market out there right now.

I actually start some part time work next month, and began volunteering for another organization. The volunteering is at night because I can't afford daycare without a *real* job, but I must say that it is a very fulfilling thing to do with my time.

If any of you are looking for jobs and have the energy, volunteering can not only life your spirits, but point you to a job by expanding your circle of connections.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 12:29 AM, October 19th (Friday)]


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

Posts: 14718 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
MuscleMom
♀ New Member
Member # 37028
Default  Posted: 11:40 PM, October 19th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well add me to the club. I am a sahm mom to four kids and have been last 3 years. He knew what he as doing to control the situation and to do his cheating.

I am 100% done with him. We share our house because I have no momet or job and the hunt for one is not going well. But I am not giving up!

I stay in the master bedroom and he stays on couch. I am trying hard to land work either online or in person to get some income......please pray something pans out for me soon!


First DD - Dec 10th 2011
False R - February 2012
Last DD - Sept 24th 2012

Posts: 4 | Registered: Oct 2012
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, November 4th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Praying for you MuscleMom - any new developments?

I got a PT Holiday position at Macys.

Actually, I APPLIED for the PTH. They hired me on as full time to try and keep me (how NIIICE) but I still get to pick my own schedule. In 4 hour shifts. Online. Weekly.

Sounds too good to be true, but it seems to be legit. I've done all the training and orientation and everything.

Maybe you guys should check out if your local Macys needs Holiday Help!!


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

Posts: 14718 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 3:50 AM, November 5th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Add me to the list of SAHM for the last 21 years. I have worked PT during those years. And I did a stint as a teacher assistant after my marriage imploded. I was working PT for XSO. When he replaced me in his personal life he also replaced me in his professional life.

So back to the drawing board.

In the meantime DD2 has gifted me with a grandbaby, I am a stay at home grammy, as I provide Child care while she works and continues school. Other than hugs and lots of smiles, giggles etc... it doesn't pay.

I have probably sent out about 500 resume's since June. Some interviews, some call backs, one 'we like you, but we've just been notified of a hiring freeze' Something has to give.

Till then selling stuff at local craft fairs, etc.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4037 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
hitbyatruck
♀ Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, January 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been a SAHM for almost 12 years. Kids are 12 and 10. Before kids I worked at a jewelry store and a bank for years, but that seems like a lifetime ago.

I do not do any REAL volunteering, no schedule. I help out as needed at school or Girl Scouts. I do watch other people's kids in my home but right now I am down to one child/3days a week. Babysitting money put gas in my car and a few little extras.

My H is an RN, we do OK. We do OK but run tight at the end of the 2 week pay period. We own our small home (well, the bank owns most of it), have 2 decent cars, healthcare...generally things are ok until something POPS UP, like a major home repair.

I can't see going to work just yet. I really don't understand how people do it. My kids are busy. I feel like most of my evenings are spent taking them places, homework, dinner...until bedtime hits.

During the day I go to the gym, run errands, never ending housework, I never have a slow day.

I have always envied working moms who seem to manage it all. I feel like I am just keeping m head above water trying to get everything done.

I know I need some type of plan. I HOPE my marriage works but gone are the days of blindfaith. I know he could leave again. We were separated for 18 months which I did remain a SAHM. H agreed to pay all household expenses during that time, he didn't want the kid's life changing anymore than it already had. BUT I know if he were to leave again he wouldn't agree to that same deal.

I have a not so great health history, I need health insurance for meds and checkups. I have thought about taking in more daycare kids but HI would never happen from that. I have thought about going back to a jewelry store, again, no HI.

I always read that I should go to college or some sort of training, with what? I checked into a 18 month course. There was no magical grant to help with that. We are down to a couple hundred dollars between pays, there is nothing extra for a school payment.

I know millions of women do it I just don't understand how. My therapist has been after me since DDAY(march 2009) to get a plan together in order to be self sufficient. I know she is right. Instead I have done nothing. I so enjoy my life right now as it is. I love being here for my kids and taking care of all house needs. BUT I am aware that any given day that could change.

I guess this has turned into a long rant. My therapist tells me to start taking some action.....anyday now.


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3277 | Registered: Apr 2009
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, January 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey hbat.

So I just took some action. I got a great job. And it stinks. I'm scared about not having my own means, but it's such a gift to be able to be home with DD and I miss it after only one month.

It's so hard to find the balance between what we want, what we need, and the balance between living for ourselves and living for our families/kids.

I agree that taking action is important, but only YOU know deep down in your heart what you want to do. People can suggest things up one side and down the other, but at the end of the day only you know what's best.

I'm sure still trying to figure that out.

(((SAHPs)))


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

Posts: 14718 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
wantreallove
♀ Member
Member # 37534
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, January 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I belong here too. Proud to be a SAHM and a homeschooling mom too. So many family members have pushed me to get a job for years but I know this is best for our kids. Just wanted to say Hi in here.


Me,BS 32
SA fWH (masame5) 34
Married 12 yrs 6 kids age 17-1, and expecting #7
D-day 10/9/12 (caught him through fb chat) D-day #2 11/19/12 thru 11/21/12 (found out about all the rest of the A's.)
8 AP, 12-7-12 WH sober date

Posts: 195 | Registered: Nov 2012
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, wantreallove! Welcome!

I'm so glad that you're standing up for what you believe in. It can be so hard when you're bombarded with judgemental people in the guise of well-wishers. Everyone who's given me advice that felt right said that they followed their own hearts and are happy.


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

Posts: 14718 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
PlainsGirl29
♀ Member
Member # 33520
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, March 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well after my attempt at getting a job and that blew up in my face, I am here to report I am still SAHMing. I have decided i will go back to college for my teachers certificate. I was pushing myself too hard to look for a job and that wouldn't result in really making much money after all the expenses of daycare, gas etc.

I am making an effort everyday now to be grateful for being able to continue staying home with my children, even if it is just temporary, I am looking at another 18months of it while I take my college classes for certification and the spousal support runs out in 20months.

I daily remind myself to be 'patient' with my life situation, and know that I am lucky to have this extra time at home with my children that a lot people in my situation do not have.


Posts: 1146 | Registered: Oct 2011
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, March 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So glad I found this thread. I haven't had a job for at least 8 years. I don't drive and don't have my own money.
Since dday, we've committed to me having my own banking account.
I'm a writer...just finished my first book and working on my second (though it's been difficult to concentrate on work right now). I know it might be years before I make money from the work I'm doing now. But I am working my butt off. Some days I write 5000 words, which I think is pretty good, and yet, I still feel so dependent on WS.

[This message edited by sadone29 at 9:29 PM, March 8th (Friday)]


SAWH: working hard on all addictions
Out of limbo hell. R Feb. 15
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding -proverbs 3:5

Posts: 456 | Registered: Mar 2013
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, March 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@PlainsGirl29 - That sounds like a wonderful idea! I had several jobs blow up in my face before it really sunk in that if it's not meant to be it's not meant to be.... and to try and listen to my got a little more. I'm excited for you!

@sadone29 - Wow, 5000 words a day? That's impressive. I'm glad you have your own savings set up. You can just plunk the royalties down in there when you wrap up the next one.


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

Posts: 14718 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
wantreallove
♀ Member
Member # 37534
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, March 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too am working on having my own money that is set aside. My WH knows I have some money but he doesn't know where I've hidden it. It's amazing how much better I feel as my stash grows. Right now its only $120 but still it's money that's MINE! After him squandering so much money it's so nice to feel like I have something as a safety net. Keep writing!! I think 5000 words a day sounds like a huge accomplishment!


Me,BS 32
SA fWH (masame5) 34
Married 12 yrs 6 kids age 17-1, and expecting #7
D-day 10/9/12 (caught him through fb chat) D-day #2 11/19/12 thru 11/21/12 (found out about all the rest of the A's.)
8 AP, 12-7-12 WH sober date

Posts: 195 | Registered: Nov 2012
heartbrokennlost
♀ Member
Member # 37500
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, March 10th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm part of this group too. I just had a baby boy last May. He's my third child. I have two grown children from a previous marriage. I was not able to stay home with them, but I was lucky enough to have my mom watch them. So, my dream has finally come true. I never thought I'd have a new start, let alone be able to stay at home with my son. It is truly amazing, I appreciate every minute with him. So many things I missed out with the first two. But, sadly, my fairy tale came to an end in Oct 2012, my DDay.

This is the first time in my life that I am dependent on someone. Last July, while on maternity leave, I quit my great paying job of 14yrs to stay home with my baby boy. Although, I don't regret one minute of it, under the present circumstances, I wish I had my independence.


Me-44
FWS-41
Son-18mnths
Son-18yrs
Son-22yrs
Son-18
Son-22
Son-17
Son-21

Posts: 87 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: heartbrokennlost
2amazinggrace
♀ Member
Member # 29738
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, March 10th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just found this thread!


When we got married, my husband was in school, and I supported us through that.

I started staying home when our oldest was born. Eventually, I started homeschooling the children. At most, I worked part time at their preschool, but for the most part, I stayed at home.

We have been divorced now for a year. The worst feeling in the world is having to depend on him for financial support.

I don't trust him, he has been very deceitful. But, at this point, I need to continue to be here with/for the kids.

They are struggling, and I do not want to leave them on their own right now. Ex moved 14 hours away 3 years ago, and we have no family around.

Right now, I am taking a chance on depending on him to do the right thing, instead of leaving the kids to work outside the home. So far so good, and I don't want to leave them unnecessarily. I will scramble if and when something horrible happens.

Can anyone relate?


Divorced 2011

Posts: 171 | Registered: Sep 2010
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, March 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Jrazz and wantrealove! The only problem is that I have yet to actually sell a book. lol!

I've begun saving some money. Right now it's only a few hundred, but like others have said, it's mine! and it feels good.
Anyone have advice as to what I should do with it? Keep it in case I decide to D or do I work at reducing my student loan?


SAWH: working hard on all addictions
Out of limbo hell. R Feb. 15
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding -proverbs 3:5

Posts: 456 | Registered: Mar 2013
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