Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Depressed4ever (43230)

I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Support for S A H Parents Affected by Infidelity
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, March 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel that other Moms in my neighbourhood have looked down at me for staying at home, so I can only imagine what you Dads have gone through. It's a difficult path for anyone and you should feel proud of having the strength!


SAWH: working hard on all addictions
Out of limbo hell. R Feb. 15
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding -proverbs 3:5

Posts: 456 | Registered: Mar 2013
littlehopeleft
♀ New Member
Member # 38697
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, March 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a SAHM as well. Quit my career and school when our first was born almost 8 years ago. I went back 2 days a week when she started pre-k, and now after our son was born only work on Saturday mornings about 5 hours. I would rather be home those Saturday mornings, but I have kept my foot in the door at work just in case I had to ever go back full time. I work to keep the option open. It's much easier than finding a new job. I love being a SAHM but it does leave you very vulnerable. I love this thread and have enjoyed reading every post. I am now thinking about making my own safety net. It's probably a good idea just in case.

Posts: 12 | Registered: Mar 2013
PlainsGirl29
♀ Member
Member # 33520
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, March 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2amazinggrace I am doing the same thing. I am relying on Xwh for all $$ for the next 18 months until my spousal support runs out. I am banking my future on grad classes to get a restricted teaching license and begin teaching fall 2014. Not my plan at all, putting DD in daycare even at nearly 3 .5 is still going to hurt.

So far Xwh has been good on paying. I do keep 3000$ in savings for jic money. I live within my means and I am paying down the last of my credit card debt. Unfortunately I will have to go into debt to get certified to teach but, the amount will not be more than 15000$ I am guessing and I will have masters degree and will be in a paid internship for.the last 4000$ and plan to pay as I go then.


Posts: 1146 | Registered: Oct 2011
wantreallove
♀ Member
Member # 37534
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, March 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sadone29, IMHO I say keep it so that you have something as a safety net.


Me,BS 32
SA fWH (masame5) 34
Married 12 yrs 6 kids age 17-1, and expecting #7
D-day 10/9/12 (caught him through fb chat) D-day #2 11/19/12 thru 11/21/12 (found out about all the rest of the A's.)
8 AP, 12-7-12 WH sober date

Posts: 195 | Registered: Nov 2012
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, March 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you wantreallove, that's what I'm thinking as well.

WH is at the bank right now. We've agreed to split all his payments so we each need to pay our own half for everything. Another of his confessions apart from the infidelity was that he was spending tons of money without letting me know. Time for me to wake up and be aware of what's really going on around me!


SAWH: working hard on all addictions
Out of limbo hell. R Feb. 15
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding -proverbs 3:5

Posts: 456 | Registered: Mar 2013
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, April 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Spending my safety net on Disneyland at the end of this month.

It may seem stupid, but I think a few days of DD3 being giddy with happiness is worth it.

I've been a different person than I wanted to be these last 2.5 years. I've tried to be the best mom I can be, but I'm so pissed that the first years of my daughter's life were spent trying to mitigate pain rather than just enjoy her existence.

So yeah, a couple grand disappearing in a few weeks but I'm so excited to give her a magical time. I think it will be worth it...


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

Posts: 14750 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
ShockedAndHurt
♀ Member
Member # 36657
Default  Posted: 4:22 AM, April 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi. I'm a SAHM to two boys, 4 and 1. WH and I tried to reconcile in part because I was terrified of being a single mum and the financial implications of S. but on DD2 I could no longer stay in a relationship for those reasons. So he now lives elsewhere but our finances are still joined as I have no way to support myself and my kids. I want to be financially independent but I am unwilling to work full time and give up the vital job of raising my children. So I'm looking into ways to be self employed and pick my own working hours etc.

One of the hardest things emotionally, has been the outrage at the fact that I was at home raising our kids while he was taking afternoons off work to go fucking random women.


Me: BW, 30
Him: WH, 33, EA summer 2008, multiple cyber affairs, 3PA summer 2011-summer 2012
Together since 1999, married in 2004
2 Children
DD1: 9th Aug 2012
DD2: 6th March 2013 end of reconciliation and start of separation
DD3: 29th June 2013

Posts: 110 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
WoundedOpus
♀ Member
Member # 39521
Default  Posted: 6:46 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was a single parent to my DD after the divorce with my first husband. So when I remarried and had my oldest DS, now 8, I wanted so much to do things differently. I quit my very good paying job and decided to SAH. I think the pressure this put on my FWH was quite a contributing factor in his choice to have an A.

We considered only having one child, but having grown up with 2 siblings of my own that are spread out in ages (all from different fathers), I really wanted our son to have a sibling that he could be close to. So we decided to try for another. FWH was not as onboard with this plan as I, but he also agreed with my reasoning so we went for number 2. Who knew we would get pregnant so fast and end up with twins! I was 3 months pregnant with DS2&3 at DS1's first birthday! Well, there went any plans to return to work...while my job had been a good one, it would never pay enough to cover child care and all the expenses that come with working, so my continued life as a SAHM was solidified.

I was drowning in my SAH life, one that turned out to be much harder than I'd ever imagined. I was trying to be the best SAHM I could, contending with a very difficult 11yo DD, and dealing with my guilt at not actually loving being a SAHP :( I found out about the A soon after we moved into our new house, the twins had just recently celebrated their 1st birthday.

The A was over 5 years ago, and we are still struggling. We have since had a 'surprise' DS, he's now 15mo old, my options for working are beyond limited. I have no degree, have been out of the workforce for 8 years and no chance of finding a job that would cover child care. My DD also had a child of her own at a VERY young age that is almost 3, they both live with us. While she has a full time job at a daycare (takes her DD with her so I don't actually provide childcare), she doesn't come close to making enough $ to move out and be independent, so we are effectively responsible for 6 children. This situation has me feeling trapped, which I resent immensely! We are under water in our house (bought during THE worst time to buy), and have mountains of debt. If I left, we'd both have to file and start all over, with 0 money and tanked credit...I just can't do that to my kids.

I have no family to help me, my mother passed 4 years ago (not that she could have helped me anyway), my father is getting ready to retire, but my step-mom is starting down the long and horrible path of Alzheimer so most of his time and resources will be spent taking care of her (as it should). And really, even if someone would like to help, there are SEVEN of us!!

My FWH does regret his choice to step outside the marriage, but I can count on one hand the actual minutes he's openly discussed it. He's done nothing but rugsweep and avoid since day1 and after 5 years, I'm just not doing well. As confusing as our life was prior to DDay, it's even more so now and I have no confidence in us or our marriage.

We have our good (great) days/weeks/months, but their only as good as my ability to pretend they are :( I am so ANGRY that he has done this to me, but even more angry that he did it knowing I had pretty much NO choice but to stay. Must have been nice to know that even if he got caught, his wife couldn't leave him. And even after 5 years, can still avoid and rugsweep, because really, what am I going to do, leave him?

The past week has been especially bad, but he FINALLY seems to have maybe decided to face what he's done and make a real effort to work with me on this marriage. He downloaded and actually read 2 chapters of How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair, there is a small sliver of a chance that we can truly recover...if not, I guess we'll continue plugging along until our youngest DS goes to Kindergarten in 4 years. At that point I'll either go to work or decide that 9 years out and at the age of 41 (and 12 years of being a SAHM) it's just too late to start over... I suppose time will tell.


Me: BW 37
Him: WH 38
(DDay: 2/2008)
13 years, 5 kids...Six years of Limbo

“I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well." ~ Diane Ackerman


Posts: 178 | Registered: Jun 2013
Phoenix9
♀ New Member
Member # 39733
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WoundedOpus!!!! Oh my goodness...it seems you have snuck inside my head to write this post.

Although the actual "incident situations" are different, his reaction and your dealings really hit home for me.

We have our good (great) days/weeks/months, but their only as good as my ability to pretend they are :( I am so ANGRY that he has done this to me, but even more angry that he did it knowing I had pretty much NO choice but to stay. Must have been nice to know that even if he got caught, his wife couldn't leave him. And even after 5 years, can still avoid and rugsweep, because really, what am I going to do, leave him?/quote]

Seriously, reading this made me burst out into tears. I hate that anyone has to feel this way. I hate that there are enough butthole WHs out there to make these feelings and situations possible.

It's been just over 6 years since the 1st incident and almost 1 year since the last. We have 4 kids (9, 7, 6, & 2) AND one surprise on the way. I've been struggling EVER SINCE the 1st DDay to get him on board with true R. He has just NEVER gotten it. Really. I have to FREAK OUT anytime I need him to wake the heck up. I'm getting really, REALLY tired of it. Just a few days ago I had to freak out once again because he MAJORLY triggered me by starting to drink again and stay up all night (literally ALL night) on the computer doing God knows what.

HE JUST DOES NOT GET IT. And I'm tired of trying to get him to get it. Sighhhh.....

Sorry for the vent. This is actually only my 2nd or 3rd post on here and I've been building up a lot of steam to release!


Me (BS): 36 Him (WH): 35
Married 12 years (Each other's 1st)
Children: 9, 8, 6, 3 and 1 month
DDay#1: March 2008 EA turned PA (kissing, holding hands)
DDay#2: August 2012 (ONS with kissing on lips and certain body parts)
Hoping for true R.

Posts: 15 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Phoenix9
Phoenix9
♀ New Member
Member # 39733
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oops. I totally messed up that quote in the last post.

Can you tell I'm new here?


Me (BS): 36 Him (WH): 35
Married 12 years (Each other's 1st)
Children: 9, 8, 6, 3 and 1 month
DDay#1: March 2008 EA turned PA (kissing, holding hands)
DDay#2: August 2012 (ONS with kissing on lips and certain body parts)
Hoping for true R.

Posts: 15 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Phoenix9
mixedintherut
♀ Member
Member # 40330
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I belong in this club.

I am struggling so much. I am having a hard time entertaining and staying active with my 4 year old daughter, while trying not to have a breakdown.

She has no clue what is going on. Drawing pictures of her family pointing out which one is daddy, her and mommy. She talks multiple times, daily about wanting a baby sister or a baby brother. It breaks my heart to see her pictures, or to hear her longing for a sibling knowing our family is falling apart before me.

The days seem like months. By lunch time, I am looking forward to bedtime.


DD 1: PA 12/4/09 He spent 2.5 years with OW1
R: 8/31/2012
DD 2: EA 8/16/13
BS: 26
WH: 25
1 young daughter.
Terribly disgusted. He refuses to give up his "friend". Headed towards D.

Posts: 136 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: kentucky
HurtButHopeful?
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 2:04 AM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What about a thread for SAHHSP (Stay At Home Homeschool Parents?)

In my case, it was a mutual decision that one of us should quit our job and not only raise, but school our children. I had two college degrees, and was very fulfilled in my job, but because H could potentially make more money than I could over time, we decided he should keep his job and I stay home with our first child. I thought that being a SAHHM was a higher calling, and I was never bored, and was more busy and mentally challenged than I ever was in my profession.

4 children and 14 years later, (19 years of M at the time) I found out that H wanted to D me to M OW. He thought the children "would be fine" after a D (even though before we M, he said he was deeply damaged by his own parents divorce, and he never wanted to D), and they should go to public school, when he didn't want them in public school before his A, and WH even said I'd be fine: I could get on public assistance!

H has since recanted all of it, and we are working on R. But I can't get his statements out of my mind, and I feel very vulnerable, as well as feeling trapped by our original decision to homeschool. Our 3 children still living at home want to keep being homeschooled, and I can't have a job and homeschool too. I don't think it would be fair to drastically change their lives while H says he is committed to R. So I am putting my own career aside, again, but this time I don't feel safe.

I know I could write a lot on my resume because all I've done while homeschooling: math, science, reading, writing, history, literature, home-ec, computer, art, typing, P.E., health and wellness etc. teacher, curriculum planner, tutor, guidance counselor, nurse, principal, computer technician, activities coordinator, nutritionist, volunteer, driver trainer, chauffeur, spiritual counselor, chef, secretary, records keeper, housekeeper and housekeeping trainer, laundry specialist, household maintainance supervisor, and who knows what else I left out. None of the above have much to do with my original profession, but it shows that I have not been "doing nothing" since I left the field.

Fellow homeschoolers on SI free to use ideas from the above list for your resume.

Because of the time demands of homeschooling, and our commitment to try to keep life as stable as possible for our children during R, I can't get a job until after the children are grown and/or out of the house. So now I feel like I am trusting a proven untrustworthy person with my future well being, but I feel I have no choice but to do so.

edited because I am a lousy typer.

[This message edited by HurtButHopeful? at 2:08 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)]


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
HurtButHopeful?
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 2:20 AM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I forgot to add that both my parents are dead, my siblings are not family oriented, and I have no other family to rely on to help me.

I do have a lot of friends who would emotionally support me!

The financial vulnerability of being a SAHHP is the 2nd biggest slap in the face since the A. H could never pay me what I am worth, and all I had hoped for was fidelity and loyalty. Maybe he has gotten the a** out of his system. I can only hope.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
Destiny7777
♀ New Member
Member # 36468
Default  Posted: 1:32 AM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

so happy to have found this thread. 10 years SAHM of 2 special needs children. No will ever made by H/WS. and scared of our future


me (BS)
him (WS)
D-Day was the 28th day of the 3rd month of the 9th year of our marriage

Posts: 13 | Registered: Aug 2012
Sproket
♂ Member
Member # 41262
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmm what abort S.A.H.D.?



ME:BS 40
W: WW 40
M: Oct 2009
D.D Nov 2, 2013

Posts: 68 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: VA
Shattered-Heart
♀ Member
Member # 32165
Default  Posted: 12:25 AM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I belong here, too, sadly. Not a lot of time to write yet but lurking and hugs and Happy Thanksgiving to all!


Me BW
Him WH
"The trick is to keep breathing." - Garbage

Posts: 180 | Registered: May 2011
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:32 AM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmm what abort S.A.H.D.?


SAHD's are much admired and most welcome here.

Welcome to the new parents. This a unique and particularly difficult position to be in. Thank goodness we have each other.

I promise to be better about checking this thread. I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving with your kiddos!


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

Posts: 14750 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
brokensoul75
♀ New Member
Member # 41473
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am also a SAH homeschooling parent. My kids have always been hs'd, my oldest is 14.

I do feel very trapped. I am also disabled and so for me to even leave the house I need to rely on others right now.

I am 4-months post-D-Day and am now starting to feel more anger at the situation, along with the lost feelings. What a mess.

I've been dealing with depression and agoraphobia and I know the kids have suffered from my lack of energy and desire to do things. I feel horrible about this. And instead of support, my H goes and takes a day off work to fuck around with his supervisor. A day when I was home caring for OUR kids.

We are in MC and I am in IC. He feels he doesn't need IC and acts like things are "fine". I just want to scream sometimes, but I also don't want to rock the boat either. I am trapped.


Me BS-38
Him WH-37
Married 15 yrs, together 20
3 children, 14, 12, 9

OW- his supervisor
She's married with a young child
A- Jul. 2013
D-Day: Aug. 4, 2013

Trying for R...


Posts: 25 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: New England
BeautifulEmpty
♀ Member
Member # 38763
Default  Posted: 12:27 AM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brokensoul75 You sound like me. I'm a SAHM who's homeschooling and disabled too. I've been such a wreck that I feel almost like I've wasted the last two years of my daughter's life. I know it's not true. She makes an excellent unschooler and for that, I'm grateful even if I crave more structured learning. It's not about me and she's handled herself well.
The part that is about me or at least , about the demise of me has been awful. I have twice made it clear that I will leave regardless of the fact that I really can't and certainly not easily and I've walked out twice but I'm lucky to have family to go to.
Aside from temporarily living with mom and dad as well as my oldest daughter and her fiancé, I'd be trapped.


Me: 42 BS
Him: 38 ws
Ow: 44 head case, no obs
5 DD's: 21, 18, 17, 15, 10
Last D-day: August 2012 with lots of very blurry lines.

Posts: 229 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Washington State
hitbyatruck
♀ Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 6:00 AM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My kids are getting older, 13 & 11. I thought by now it would be so easy to go back to work. H right now (it will change back to all shifts eventually) leaves for work around 5am. I won't leave my kids home by themselves to get ready to school. First kids gets home (is she doesn't have practice) at 3, second at 4. I really don't want them coming home by themselves either. Let alone all the running I do back and forth to practices. I have parents but they all work fulltime still.

I do not have a degree. I worked retail (jewelry store) and as a bank teller from 18yrs old till I had my first child at 26. Then I babysat kids in my own home for nearly 12 years. That just recently came to an end. My last "extra" child went to school and H didn't want me finding anymore kids to watch. When he is nightshift he finds it too hard to sleep during the day when my extra kids were here.

I know there are TONS of 2 income families. I just really do not understand how it would work for us yet. I would have to find a job with hours that are only from 9am-2pm in order to keep up with the kids. I really don't see that happening.

I have talked about this with my working MOM friends and they all tell me you find a way to make it all work.

Feeling in overload lately.


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3277 | Registered: Apr 2009
Topic Posts: 110
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6

Return to Forum: I Can Relate Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.