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User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 7
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, September 7th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS's, please do not answer by proxy for your WS, stick to your situation.

Also, please read in the Healing library, under the BS FAQ's, WS FAQ's and BS for WS FAQ's before posting your question.

[This message edited by Deeply Scared at 12:54 PM, September 7th (Friday)]


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
kchip
♂ Member
Member # 36365
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, September 9th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So my WW had a 1.5 yr LTA.

After I outed the mOM to his BW, he dumped my WW that night in an email (8/16). She called me at 1:30am that night and screamed at me saying we were over and she never wanted to see me again.

We separated 8/2011 after WW physically attacked me in front of the kids. I had no idea of the A at that time. I only recently found out (dday 7/15/2012) after me, the kids, and WW went on a weekend retreat to the beach for a weekend that was supposed to be about reconciling (the fight not the A). The weekend was going well, but WW said she promised her mom she would go to a book signing back in town. She left us Saturday noon and never returned a call or text. Then Sunday morning I called WW from my sons cell, she answered and immediately clammed up once she realized it was me and not our son. I knew something was terribly wrong. So, drove home Sunday and found WW still not home. So I searched her laptop and found her yahoo still logged in. It there that i discovered the A. ONce she came home an hour later, she said she didnt want D , but i walked out.

Ony 3 days later, I have hired an attorney and a D is all prepped but not served. WW knows about attorney.

I had a change of heart, froze the D and have been offering R since 7/22. We tried MC, but C said we were not ready after 2 sessions. WW said she thought she was done with M. I am in IC and so is WW.

What I have come to learn is that WW was/is very much in love with mOM. She wanted him to leave his W but he never did and of course ended it as soon as I outed him. To my knowledge, there has been NC since 8/16.

WW has shown ambivalence to me ever since. Says she needs time to figure out what she wants. Our M was good for the first 6-7 years. But the last 3 were bad. I was a prick basically. Drinking and disrespectful. I never physically hurt her, but I know now I was emotional abusive.

I am in AA now and really want my M. I love my wife, and when I moved out last year I had no idea of the A and really thought WW would ask me to come home after sometime. I found an email from her from last Sept where she asked me to go to MC, and my response telling her to go to IC first. That never happened and I have been living 1 mile away for a year now. I started telling my WW I wanted to come home in May this year but she responded by saying "no you don't".

I know this seems all over the place.

I am wondering about my chances of my WW coming out of this love/fog she is in. I know she is in it and thinking about the mOM still. I have searched the www and read so much stuff.

Its only been 3 weeks since she was dumped my mOM. Can I expect a long wait? Since we are seprated already, should I completely back off (no texts, emails,calls)? I have admittedly been pouring it on, telling her I have been reading books about relationships, communication. I have told her I love her and I want us to a a fresh start with a new M. My 180 has been very hard. We have kids, and I have been depressed.

I believe 100% that the A is over.

Should I just go NC and give her her space to figure things out? Or serve her the D?

[This message edited by kchip at 7:10 PM, September 9th (Sunday)]


Me: BH (42)
2 boys, age 10/7
D Day: July 15, 2012
Status: DIVORCING
You know that movie, Sleeping With the Enemy? Well I am Julia Roberts in that one......sighhhh
"When we hit our lowest point, we are open to the greatest change"

Posts: 471 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: FL
Sparkless
♂ Member
Member # 36119
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, September 10th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One thing that has really bothered me about my wife's escapade was that she apparently felt no guilt during it. When her cyber affair started, she went as far as to post "what a great week it was because she had reconnected with an old friend..whoo-hoo" on FB. This was after the sexts and pictures had started. Who does that? One night I told her how happy I was with her and the next morning she came to me and told me that she loved me and didn't want to ever lose me--only to send OM a dirty e-mail 10 minutes later. Who does that?

I've been so disgusted by her apparent lack of guilt. We've been together 14 hgappy years and I've never cheated on her. If it were me that was cheating, I'm pretty sure that I would be addled with guilt. I sure as hell would never rub her nose in it on FB.

One thing that I've learned from reading posts here is that many WS seem to have felt no guilt during their affaris, even if they had loving spouses at home. I just don't understand that, maybe I never will. I'm trying to forgive my wife though and if "no guilt" is typical for WS, then I guess I have to accept it. Truthfully, I would rather that feeling "no guilt" is common rather than think my WW was simply a cold hearted bitch.

So, to those WS out there, what level of guilt did you feel during your A?

[This message edited by Sparkless at 1:51 PM, September 10th (Monday)]


Me(BS)-41
WW-40
DDay March 25 2012
Sexting/Photos w/ LSB
DS 10, DS 8
Working on it

Posts: 85 | Registered: Jul 2012
She-Ra
♀ Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, September 10th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sparkless, does she feel guilt now? That's an important one. During the times I was actively cheating by PA or sexting/emailing/watching dirty videos I had zero guilt. I made sure that the thought of my H was far from my mind. I remember feeling annoyed when some men asked me about my marriage. I thought, seriously? You are bringing up my H? Don't ruin it for me. Disgusting I know.

Now I live every day with the guilt. I sit in it and work through my issues. Is your WW not showing any guilt or remorse now?I wouldn't worry about her stupidity during her A, it's now that you need to focus on.


FWW 33 BH 33
Met 8 yrs ago, together for 6, married for 3
Dday Aug 10, 2012
Beautiful baby daughter born June 2013
Now in limbo.. I'm allowed to have deal breakers too

The WW formerly known as messedupchick


Posts: 736 | Registered: Jul 2012
Sparkless
♂ Member
Member # 36119
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, September 10th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She feels very guilty now. Now it's hit her like a ton of bricks just how terribly she behaved. She has been practically suicidal at times, and laying on the floor of the bathroom sobbing at other times.

I just could never understand how she could have looked at me every morning, at our kids, and not felt like shit.

She never did "end" it. I caught her and the other guy took off for the hills. She stopped texting him (I think), but never actually said "I can't do this anymore." The guilt never stopped her, even slowed her down.

I don't understand that, but I'm close to accepting it.



Me(BS)-41
WW-40
DDay March 25 2012
Sexting/Photos w/ LSB
DS 10, DS 8
Working on it

Posts: 85 | Registered: Jul 2012
She-Ra
♀ Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, September 10th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry your WW is feeling suicidal at times. I sure hope she is seeing an IC. Maybe she should join SI too and post in wayward section?

My BH doesn't understand why I did it either.. Even when he asks why and I answer him, he doesn't like my answers. He is accepting that what's done is done and trying to move on. Trying to understand our warped minds during an affair is nearly impossible. If I was to speculate her 'lack of guilt' during the cyber affair, she might have been thinking "I'm not really cheating, this is just sexting, e-mailing or chatting etc". At least I didn't count that dirty part of my A's as cheating until after the fact.


FWW 33 BH 33
Met 8 yrs ago, together for 6, married for 3
Dday Aug 10, 2012
Beautiful baby daughter born June 2013
Now in limbo.. I'm allowed to have deal breakers too

The WW formerly known as messedupchick


Posts: 736 | Registered: Jul 2012
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, September 10th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

kchip,

I guessing that the BSís will be a bit more valuable to you right now than the WSís. HoweverÖ

The short story is that your WW is a long way from getting anything. Whatever you do or donít do over the next couple (few) months, you are in for a long ride just to get to the point of your WW pulling her head out of her ass.

What you can do now is work on yourself in a similar manner to what a WS would do during R. You mention you are in AA and you acknowledge that the last three years of your M were not good. That is a big step on your part.

Your WW is going to have to take similar big steps, however, you were shocked/jolted into taking your steps. Your WW isnít in the same position. She hasnít been shocked/jolted similarly. In fact, she probably has spent a significant amount of time talking herself into believing that the A and the MOM are the truth she needs in her life. She will continue to resist any introduction of reality into the situation in a way that you couldnít do regarding your drinking and treatment of your W in your M. That sounds like Iím trying to encourage you to take some blame for your WW choices. Iím not. But a big part of R for some couples is the BS being able to take responsibility for their part of the pre-A issues. It doesnít fit everyoneís situation.

Anyway, you should be ready for a long bumpy road. It is your choice to stay on that road or get off it. Neither choice is wrong if you feel it is what you need to do.

Good luck.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6048 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
kchip
♂ Member
Member # 36365
Default  Posted: 4:46 AM, September 11th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand my situation better now. Thank you.

Working on myself and maintaining sobriety is the only way moving forward. No matter what else happens.

She is still talking to me, and the A is over. So who knows. The IC has explained to her that my drinking cancels out her A. I'm not sure I totally agree with that but I made my bed so to speak. I'm not looking for anything soon anymore.

Thanks for your reply.


Me: BH (42)
2 boys, age 10/7
D Day: July 15, 2012
Status: DIVORCING
You know that movie, Sleeping With the Enemy? Well I am Julia Roberts in that one......sighhhh
"When we hit our lowest point, we are open to the greatest change"

Posts: 471 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: FL
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 6:45 AM, September 11th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sparkless,

During my affair I felt much the same way you describe your wife. I was so excited to have "reconnected" with my past love, so deep in what I felt at the time to be happiness, that I didn't care about anything else. I did many of the same things. Instead of FB, I alluded to the A on Twitter. I would tell my H how much I loved him, then text the OM a few minutes later.

When I was caught, THEN I felt (and still feel) huge guilt. I think a lot of it was compartmentalization. I also think I didn't realize how my H would feel about it until I actually saw the effects on him. Kind of like "what you don't know won't hurt you."

Hope some of that makes sense.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
Stillhere97
♀ Member
Member # 36122
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, September 11th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH is doing everything right and I tell him that. Problem is he does not understand why I am so all over the place emotionally. It is over for him and thinks it should be for me. I asked if he had heart tinges about it. Like does he have that omg what did I do, said yes. I told he I want to know cause I thought he was just over it all. I emailed him the link for thing waywards need to know. He read it and said he understands more now. My question is can the bs's emotions push the WH away. I tell him I don't want to feel like this, I want to be normal and back to myself. I try to bit my toung but think I might but it off some time:(


BW 38
WH 40
Married 14yrs
2 kids
One night stand in foreign country
Process R!!!

Posts: 109 | Registered: Jul 2012
stillstrong
♀ Member
Member # 36144
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, September 11th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question please. My WH has agreed to read some books to help in recovery/repair, and asked me to get him some. (I am the reader in the family and in charge of getting all books for family members)
I have looked over the books in the healing library, and I went to the bookstore and looked at Not Just Friends and didn't really like it that much. I also tried to read Relationship Rescue years ago and didn't like that either.
Can you all share with me any books that you read that gave you "Aha" moments, and helped you to get out of the fog? WH is not a big reader so I don't want to waste time, so to speak, on books that won't have a big impact.
TIA


Me BS 47
Him WS 51
DDay LTA Feb 21, 2006
R until DDay 2EA's 1/31/12 ONS 2/5/12 Broken NC 7/12/12
Moved out 9/12
Legally Separated 3/13


Posts: 848 | Registered: Jul 2012
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, September 11th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

kchip,

I don't know the extent of your drinking, but and IC who believes and supports this - The IC has explained to her that my drinking cancels out her A. - is needing to be replaced...

There is a lot of support for those living with an alcoholic. Your drinking isn't an excuse for her A. End of story. That being said, you can take responsibility for your drinking the same way she should take responsibility for her A.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6048 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, September 11th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

stillstrong,

Check out this thread. http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=318321


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6048 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, September 11th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stillhere97,

He isn't doing everything right if he isn't understanding that it isn't over for you. It is good that he read the thread you gave him, it would be better if he felt compelled to find it himself. Are you okay with this hand-holding you are doing for him? If so, then that's fine.

To your question, can the BS's emotions push the WH away? It isn't the BS's emotions, it is the inability of the WS to empathize and be there for the BS.

Many new WS's would like our BS's to get over it. However, there are dozens, if not hundreds of stories where that attitude doesn't work. Some WS's can move past that stage and begin to see that there is no getting over the A. There is a realization by the WS that they have to work through it. They will eventually understand that they are the ones who made the choice to have an A and that they are responsible for pulling themselves out of the mess they created. They will also see that by doing this work, they may be able to help their BS too.

So, no, the BS's emotions don't push the WS away. The WS uses whatever they can to find a way to not have to take responsibility for what they done.

You need to change your thinking on this one.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6048 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
Stillhere97
♀ Member
Member # 36122
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, September 11th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your honest answer. He said that he understands more after reading what I sent him. He is now looking on SI so hope he is looking for what he can do to help me heal.
You are right I need to change my thinking and he needs to just be there and help me through my emotion roller coaster. I didn't sign up for this ride!


BW 38
WH 40
Married 14yrs
2 kids
One night stand in foreign country
Process R!!!

Posts: 109 | Registered: Jul 2012
whatnow999
♂ Member
Member # 35494
Default  Posted: 2:17 AM, September 12th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, to those WS out there, what level of guilt did you feel during your A?

I think I was/am like your WW. I don't know if I felt a real amount of guilt during my affairs. I don't know if this applies to every wayward but for me I always had a reason to me why it was okay. I've had more than one affair unfortunately. The level of guilt varies.

I wish I could say I felt overbearing guilt during most of my affairs but that just isn't true. I do feel that guilt and shame now. There was one affair that I did at the time feel guilty over. It was the only "affair" I ever had in the sense of it being continued contact. I don't think I was at all proud of it. I knew that it was wrong. I think once you feel the guilt though its hard not to feel it.

So the answer is complicated. For me, it varied. Between no guilt and almost satisfaction during some of the As - I don't feel that way anymore but at the time and enormous guilt.

I'm definitely guilty of the compartmentalizing that Heartbroken talked about. I think that is probably what your WW was doing. She wasn't thinking of you and your family when she was sexting. It was a separate world.


Me, 30, Husband
Her, 29, Wife
One Daughter, One Son

Posts: 232 | Registered: May 2012
Escape artist
♀ Member
Member # 34804
Default  Posted: 2:24 AM, September 12th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi to all the WS ...this is a question/thought that has plagued me for a while. If you can shed some light it would be much appreciated.

If you (WS's) were guilty of gas lighting, TTing, lying, (whatever you wish to call it ) when confronted on DDay and the days, weeks, months afterwards, did you eventually end up telling the whole truth? If you did, what was it that finally allowed you to do this?
And if you haven't been able to, why? And is the R working if you are still withholding ?

Thank you in advance if you can help at all.....
Gettin no sleep......


I gave you enough rope to hang yourself.
Me BS 48
Him WS 54
False DDay 06/02/12
3 simultaneous EA's
Multiple DDays thru till 16th April 2012
Disclosed PA 16th April 2012
Reality- alot sicker than I realized .......

Posts: 202 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Australia
whatnow999
♂ Member
Member # 35494
Default  Posted: 2:48 AM, September 12th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you (WS's) were guilty of gas lighting, TTing, lying, (whatever you wish to call it ) when confronted on DDay and the days, weeks, months afterwards, did you eventually end up telling the whole truth? If you did, what was it that finally allowed you to do this?
And if you haven't been able to, why? And is the R working if you are still withholding ?

I'm still a WIP compared to some of the other WS's on SI so take my answer with that warning. I TT and lied and misled for basically our entire relationship. It was awful. It is awful.

What finally allowed me to confess everything? Partially I had an epiphany. I woke up and realized I was this close to losing my wife and family. And I started to panic. I never thought I would lose her so I always sort of felt like I could "get away" with lying. Part of why I confessed more/all is also that she ended up digging and finding more As. So I had to. I couldn't R while outright lying.

I wasn't able to tell for the longest time because I selfishly thought it wasn't wrong. I had my excuses. I probably still do. I'm guilty of abusing technicalities. Especially when we first got together. I would do things like start a fight with my BW (then BGF) and "break up" and sleep with someone else. Not technically cheating so I didn't say anything. But it was cheating. I look back at that now and I can see that. So my point was I honestly thought I wasn't TT or lying. I felt like I didn't cheat so I didn't have to confess that.

I've come out with everything. R is going well for us. I don't think its going well because the whole truth is out though.

This depends on your own situation. I can see some situations where the whole truth hurts if your goal is to R.

I hope I helped a little. Like I said, I am much more of a recent WS than some of the others around here so I don't have the benefit of time or distance from my As. So I would definitely recommend waiting to see what Baxter or some of the other old pros say.


Me, 30, Husband
Her, 29, Wife
One Daughter, One Son

Posts: 232 | Registered: May 2012
Escape artist
♀ Member
Member # 34804
Default  Posted: 3:22 AM, September 12th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Whatnow999.
I will take that all inboard.

Good luck and I applaud your courage in coming clean.


I gave you enough rope to hang yourself.
Me BS 48
Him WS 54
False DDay 06/02/12
3 simultaneous EA's
Multiple DDays thru till 16th April 2012
Disclosed PA 16th April 2012
Reality- alot sicker than I realized .......

Posts: 202 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Australia
phoenix54
♂ Member
Member # 36574
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, September 12th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question which may have been asked and answered before.

We are 4+ months out from d-day and not a day passes by that I don't think about the A in some way. Much better as time has gone by but I know this will always be a bitter memory for us.

We are in R and things have been much better lately. She has been saying and doing the right things. But is my WW also constantly thinking about and processing what she has done to me, our M and our family? Thanks.

[This message edited by phoenix54 at 10:37 AM, September 12th (Wednesday)]


BH: 45 (me)
WW: 43
11 month PA/EA
4 children
D-day: 5/4/12
Married: 17 years
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 436 | Registered: Aug 2012
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