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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 7
rockbottom2468
♀ Member
Member # 32496
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, October 11th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know about a WS perspective, but just as a perspective... Until he kicks them all out, works on himself, lives a clean life, and begs you for another chance, you should not be thinking about any of this. Own only your crap - not his, not the freeloaders'.

You're right, I know. He keeps trying to force this "problem" of his down my throat though. Trying to get me to understand. Guess what, I don't see a damn problem! But I wanted some WS insight...you're right, though, I shouldn't even give it an ounce of thought right now.


Me: BS-29
Him: XH-33
Dday: June 2011
Together: 13 years
Children: DD(8), DS (6), DD2 (8 months)
Status: He left for 20yo OW.

"Even on my weakest days,
I get a little bit stronger"


Posts: 1058 | Registered: Jun 2011
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, October 11th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He keeps trying to force this "problem" of his down my throat though.

Oh! I did not understand this... He is using these roommates as the reason he cannot come home???

Major, major bull excrement!


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
rockbottom2468
♀ Member
Member # 32496
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, October 11th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's exactly what he's doing. Family doesn't wait for a group of 21 year old's....sorry. I've prayed for a remorseful husband. I'm seeing now that that is not what God has planned for me or my poor babies :(


Me: BS-29
Him: XH-33
Dday: June 2011
Together: 13 years
Children: DD(8), DS (6), DD2 (8 months)
Status: He left for 20yo OW.

"Even on my weakest days,
I get a little bit stronger"


Posts: 1058 | Registered: Jun 2011
rbecke1
♂ Member
Member # 37040
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, October 12th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When a WS states that they want the next "hit" the next "contact" in any form. What does that feel like during and then after?

Is it like a drug and when you get the hit you feel bad afterward?

How long does the average person need that "hit" for until the "hit" wears off and you come to your senses?

At any point of this whole situation do people sort of come back to reality and then the "hit" takes them to crazy town again?

Does the "hit" take many forms meaning can it just be a text message that is a "hit" or does it have to be physical/visual contact?

If any WS can describe in detail that whole process of the "hit". It would be much appreciated.

Also, if its like a chemical drug - do these folks have other addictions normally in life?

Thanks!

[This message edited by rbecke1 at 11:40 AM, October 12th (Friday)]


True remorse isn't followed by a "but".

ME - BS:40
Wife - WS:39
Married 10 years
2 boys - 3 1/2 and 7
DD 5/5/12

When life knocks you down, calmly get up, dust yourself off and say "YOU HIT LIKE A BITCH!"


Posts: 168 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: east coast
She-Ra
♀ Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, October 12th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

rbecke: I pondered whether or not I should answer this one. It's embarrassing and I wonder if I answer too many of these BS questions. Then I thought, what the heck I'll shed some light on this shitty subject since I could compare my A's to a 6 week bender..

When a WS states that they want the next "hit" the next "contact" in any form. What does that feel like during and then after?
Is it like a drug and when you get the hit you feel bad afterward?

Yes. It's an unbelievable powerful adrenalin and endorphin rush. It isn't possible to have a worry in the world when its happening. Do you feel bad after? I did. The 1st time I cheated, I kinda kept it going by thoughts, reliving it in my head and going to a bar again, flirting with more men.. the high kinda lasted a bit longer maybe. I didn't feel bad until about 3 days later when I was back into reality.

How long does the average person need that "hit" for until the "hit" wears off and you come to your senses?

I kinda answered that one.. 3 days to come to my senses after the 1st time.

At any point of this whole situation do people sort of come back to reality and then the "hit" takes them to crazy town again?

About a week later I was back in a night club, probably danced with 6-8 guys.. Flirted a lot. Had a near PA experience you could say when a guy tried to kiss me and I didn't let him. Was I in crazy town again? Yes I was.

Does the "hit" take many forms meaning can it just be a text message that is a "hit" or does it have to be physical/visual contact?

A text will give a rush and a sense of reassurance, comfort, feeling desired.. all of the above that give you a positive sensory feelings. More texts the better for that high. Physical/visual contact is stronger obviously though.

If any WS can describe in detail that whole process of the "hit". It would be much appreciated.

Pretty hard to give a detail on a process that is ridiculous. I definitely had temporary insanity and unable to recognize that person I had become. To explain it properly is not easy. Maybe someone else can step in for that one?

Also, if its like a chemical drug - do these folks have other addictions normally in life?

I have an addictive personality. I have dealt with substance abuse, smoking.. is there a relation to it all? Maybe there is but I won't make any excuses for my terrible choices.


FWW 33 BH 33
Met 8 yrs ago, together for 6, married for 3
Dday Aug 10, 2012
Beautiful baby daughter born June 2013
Now in limbo.. I'm allowed to have deal breakers too

The WW formerly known as messedupchick


Posts: 736 | Registered: Jul 2012
broken81
♀ Member
Member # 36774
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, October 12th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question For a female WS...
The OW in my situation claims that she had no feelings for my WH.
I dont believe her at all, she searched and stalked both of us with out us knowing. Asked him questions about our house, knew my name and my kids', noted his birthday. He didnt give her his personal info..she even told me that. I cant fathom how you could want to know all this and not have feelings for someone.
They had a casual on and off 2.5 year PA that was about 8 encounters.
Everything I have read says woman cheat for emotional connections. I think that now she may realize her feelings werent real but could she really during the A not have feelings for him???
Any female WS that didnt have feelings for their AP?

[This message edited by broken81 at 2:07 PM, October 12th (Friday)]


Me BS
him fWS
M 8yrs 2 kids
DD 2/12 lies until 4/12
2.5 yr A with an OLD married whore
working on R

Posts: 232 | Registered: Sep 2012
rbecke1
♂ Member
Member # 37040
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, October 12th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

messedupchick - Thank you so much for responding. Your Awesome!

Are there any LTWS (Long Term) WS who can answer this question as well PLEASE becuase my wife is currently in this situation and I am trying to figure out the thought process of her. She is literally in crazy town. To get a feel for crazy town read my profile.


True remorse isn't followed by a "but".

ME - BS:40
Wife - WS:39
Married 10 years
2 boys - 3 1/2 and 7
DD 5/5/12

When life knocks you down, calmly get up, dust yourself off and say "YOU HIT LIKE A BITCH!"


Posts: 168 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: east coast
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, October 12th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rbecke1,

Messedupchick gave great answers. And don't worry about answering to much here, messed...I think I had 140 response in Part 6...

I didn't have a LTA. It only lasted about 5 months, officially, but I continued the WS behavior better know as head up my ass syndrome for a couple years after the EA stopped.

So, the hit is as bad as any addiction I think. Never done drugs, so I don't really know...but I can't think of any other way to describe it.

A hit does not need to be physical/visual contact. During that time, crazy time, I took every little nuance and twisted into a belief that OW was thinking about me. Hit. It was messed up and it is embarrassing to admit, but there it is.

It started fading when I started realizing how stupid I must have sounded any time I tried defending myself to my BW. Reality "hit" when my BW packed a bag.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6048 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, October 12th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Broken81, I am a female WS but it was a ONS and I only knew the guy a short while before and went NC shortly after.

What you describe sounds like a stalker and I think that is a subset of OW/WW and prob applies to some OM/WHs as well.

Also, not all women cheat for emotional connections. In my case, I wanted the opposite. OM had no emotional demands of me, which is one of the (sick) reasons we appealed to each other. An NSA, emotionless A is not bound to be long-lived IMO because there is nothing that brings you and the OP together again, really.

As to whether the converse is true and an A spanning years therefore has to have lots of feelings involved, I'm not sure if that is for me to say. But your WH's OW sounds creepy and I'd consider getting dentity protection and an alarm installed on my house.


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
broken81
♀ Member
Member # 36774
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, October 12th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you NEM. A NSA is what they both say they had. I have never seen or heard of any evidence that it wasnt the case on my WH part. But she is a different story so I dont believe that it was her intention also.
Thankfully we have had an alarm for a few years and back up .
In hindsight I remember her seeking me out at a home improvement store and asking about my baby. Also her car sitting in front of my house late at night with her inside...I was home alone. That was all before I knew about the A or her. I call her a skin wearer.

[This message edited by broken81 at 5:37 PM, October 12th (Friday)]


Me BS
him fWS
M 8yrs 2 kids
DD 2/12 lies until 4/12
2.5 yr A with an OLD married whore
working on R

Posts: 232 | Registered: Sep 2012
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, October 12th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

rbecke1 - Messedupchick described it perfectly. You want the hit, love the hit, and feel awful awful awful afterwards. So you want another hit.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
rbecke1
♂ Member
Member # 37040
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, October 12th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks all for sharing so much! great insight.

follow up question:
Why do you think you all needed a "Hit"?

Were you empty inside?

Didn't you feel lost? like lose yourself or a part of yourself (when getting the hit)? You are doing something so immoral that it had to kill you inside or take a piece of your soul...

So why would you need it or do it? Validation? Emptiness inside?

All the drama - secretcy - running around - its just makes absolutly no sense. To a virgo - like myself who is a problem solver and logic thinker it makes absolutly no sense.

For example - your in a good marriage - maybe not perfect -but a good marriage and all the sudden you need some new excitment or crazy drama situation in your life that turns everything upside and destroys everything you have worked hard for... How can that be?

Please explain....Thanks!

[This message edited by rbecke1 at 8:42 AM, October 13th (Saturday)]


True remorse isn't followed by a "but".

ME - BS:40
Wife - WS:39
Married 10 years
2 boys - 3 1/2 and 7
DD 5/5/12

When life knocks you down, calmly get up, dust yourself off and say "YOU HIT LIKE A BITCH!"


Posts: 168 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: east coast
She-Ra
♀ Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, October 13th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rbecke:

I'm going to start off by acknowledging your pain and I'm sorry for what you are going through. It is not fair for your family and I hope she comes to her senses FAST.

Now for follow up questions. Gulp..

I'm answering on my phone and can't quote..

Why did I need the hit? I didn't. When I allowed myself to get into a perfect storm, the first kiss set off fireworks and woke up dormant butterflies. It was childish and stupid. But I liked it and wanted more.. That night was filled with bad choices.. Was I empty inside? Yes. I knew that my marriage was "off" but it was still a good one. I just rationalized that I could get away with it because he would never know.
Did I feel lost or feel like I was giving away my soul? No. I didnt have any deep thoughts like that. I was being selfish and a stupid cake eater. My BH has also pointed out that obviously I don't take life serious enough. Like everything is a game to me, I need to smarten and grow up.

Why did I do it? Im going to keep referring back to my first A since thats the one that opened up pandoras box. It was all about validation. I ate up his words.. His affection.. He validated me more in 1 night than I had felt my H had done in months.

To be honest, I didn't like the drama either. I prefer to be like an open book with my heart on my sleeve. The secrecy is not my nature which in the end was my saving grace to get out of the nightmare that I created.

A good marriage I had. But I felt detached and my H did not give me the attention I was crying out for. He was working out of town and he admits that he was distant. So in order to get myself into As or anyone else, you give yourself permission for the excitement. The lust. The new found freedom that you felt that you didn't have before. Unfortunately you don't realize like your wife, of how good you have it and it sacrifices everything you ever cared about.

The power to let go of your secret life and surrender yourself back to your orginal self has to come within the WS. Your wife is choosing to hold out to this new fake self of hers. A reality check from you to her is needed now.

I'm not sure if my answering questions has helped or not. Good luck rbecke. I will be thinking and hoping for your wife to come back to you


FWW 33 BH 33
Met 8 yrs ago, together for 6, married for 3
Dday Aug 10, 2012
Beautiful baby daughter born June 2013
Now in limbo.. I'm allowed to have deal breakers too

The WW formerly known as messedupchick


Posts: 736 | Registered: Jul 2012
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, October 13th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

rbecke1 -

All the drama - secretcy - running around - its just makes absolutly no sense. To a virgo - like myself who is a problem solver and logic thinker it makes absolutly no sense.

Y'know... we are not a bunch of irrational drama queens. We are logical, reasonable people and professionals who have some compulsion issues. In my mind, to bring in an astrological sign does a disservice to your desire to understand.

Have you never felt compelled to do something? I get the feeling you are all about order and control. How strong is that feeling? How much energy would it take for you to fight that compulsion?

People in the grip of a compulsion have to expend energy to resist it. Some people don't have the resources - these resources (i.e., coping methods) take mindfulness and time to develop.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
rbecke1
♂ Member
Member # 37040
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, October 13th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UnexpectedSong - I get what your saying but I am only speaking from what my wife did - the sneaking around everyday to talk or see this guy at the gym.

All the texting she did non stop. that took a ton of energy to do with the lieing - it was like each day that I can home there was another crazy situation. She feel in love with the drama - she was never about that but became consumed with it. I was confused as to what was happening cause she lied so much when she would never lie before about anything. She became another person I didn't know.

to this day I don't know who she is anymore and neither does anyone else. Her own family won't speak to her.

I think I probably have one of the more extreme cases - They say that people with the type of affair that my wife has is like they are on cocaine add to the mix a control freak who has had 2 prior divorces like this guy and the fact its hard for my ex to say no equals hell for a spouse.

[This message edited by rbecke1 at 10:06 PM, October 13th (Saturday)]


True remorse isn't followed by a "but".

ME - BS:40
Wife - WS:39
Married 10 years
2 boys - 3 1/2 and 7
DD 5/5/12

When life knocks you down, calmly get up, dust yourself off and say "YOU HIT LIKE A BITCH!"


Posts: 168 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: east coast
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, October 13th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

rbecke1 -

I don't know who she is anymore

Then, at this point, I think your best course of action is to figure yourself out. What are you willing to accept? How do you live with what you have to live with?

She needs to work on herself.

My H's IC kept trying to diagnose me, which was useless. You cannot diagnose another person - you do not have all the data.

Everyone has a perfect storm of triggers to cause some behavior. For some people, it's stress plus 8 other events. For others, it's boredom plus 10 other events. Only she can figure out what her perfect storm was.

What you can learn from this thread is that what your wife did is not uncommon. Other relatively normal, good wives of many years have gone nuts. Now it's up to her to find out why.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
rbecke1
♂ Member
Member # 37040
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, October 14th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UnexpectedSong - you said it correct - perfect storm.

The perfect storm was her father coming up to visit her for the first time ever since we have lived in the US...Bills and debt getting on her nerves - her friends not around - Myself spending time away from her - Not getting the attention that she wanted - and this preditor hitting on her at the gym...Hitting on a married women who is valnerable - Saying that I didnt take her out enough - we have 2 kids so I was spending more time being with them or fishing -

im sure this AP was saying - you should be treated like a queen and giving a lot more attention etc..

All of those things were the perfect storm for her to do this.

they say with these types of affairs - the i love you but no longer in love with you.

This type of affair often occurs when there is a “lull” in the marriage relationship. The responsibility of raising children, starting and maintaining a career, paying bills, etc. become the focal point for the couple. Romance becomes a foreign word.

[This message edited by rbecke1 at 8:19 AM, October 14th (Sunday)]


True remorse isn't followed by a "but".

ME - BS:40
Wife - WS:39
Married 10 years
2 boys - 3 1/2 and 7
DD 5/5/12

When life knocks you down, calmly get up, dust yourself off and say "YOU HIT LIKE A BITCH!"


Posts: 168 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: east coast
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, October 14th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This type of affair often occurs when there is a “lull” in the marriage relationship.

This is a dangerous thing. Is it true? Maybe in some cases. I think though that you have to remember there are pre-A issues in the M. If there are, then fine, take responsibility for those things, work through them with your WW, but do not get sucked into the trap of believing that your part in those pre-A issues led to her choice to have an A.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6048 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, October 14th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The perfect storm was her father coming up to visit her for the first time ever since we have lived in the US...Bills and debt getting on her nerves - her friends not around - Myself spending time away from her - Not getting the attention that she wanted

No, that's just the superficial circumstances. Underneath it, it sounds like it was tension from family visit (how is her relationship with her family members?), loneliness, and stress.

But even that is not deep enough. She needs a good therapist to figure out what patterns these draw on from her childhood and why these created a perfect storm. What these patterns triggered.

Let me reiterate: You cannot diagnose her. You are already headed in the wrong direction. Even if you took her on date nights during that period, that would not have stopped her A from starting.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, October 14th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All the drama - secretcy - running around - its just makes absolutly no sense. To a virgo - like myself who is a problem solver and logic thinker it makes absolutly no sense.

Ok, putting aside the logical thinker coupled with the Virgo comment, my affair had no secrecy, drama, running around, "hit", high.

My marriage didn't have a "lull". I got sick of being a piñata, detached, stopped giving two shits about my ex. I wouldn't have a problem with that but sadly I apparently stopped giving two shits about myself.

Here's the thing. There aren't WW's. There is Unexpected Song (still my favorite user name), Tired Girl, MJ, Fallen, Lost333, your wife. You getting the idea. I would have no idea what was going on in your wife's head anymore than a random person off the street who may never cheated a day in their life.

I don't answer questions here much not because I don't want to help out but because I'm concerned that waywards get lumped too much as it is. We're like cancer. We're talked about as if we're one disease with the same drives, compulsions, disorders.

We're not. There are similarities in stories but different thought processes entirely. I read some wayward stories, like your wife's, and think I have no fucking clue, just as I'm sure they do with mine.

So, about your wife. You say she's not "her" anymore. I honestly don't understand that statement anymore than I understand how some post they're not "me" anymore after going through this shit.

None of us are the "me" we were yesterday. Life changes us. It's not a one time "reset, reboot". Yeah, trauma changes us. If my childhood looked like it was designed more by Norman Rockwell then Hannibal Lecter I'm sure I'd be different. If I wasn't the victim of a violent crime, I'm sure I'd be different. If I hadn't lost my youngest's twin, I'm sure I'd be different...to a point.

I'm still recognizable, however. Maybe stronger, more empathetic to some less to others. I'd bet she is too.

I hear "if she'd just wake up". She's not asleep. She's very aware and making choices. You just don't happen to like them. Who would? She isn't someone else. She is exactly who she is.

Affairs are not this weird concept. When some post copies of txts the WS sent to the OP they look much like any new relationship. Do you remember dating your wife? How did you feel? Did you feel that high when you talked? Think about her all the time? Obsess about when you'd see her? If so then it's not really a mystery.

I've heard some people say the lying and sneaking makes it more intense. Don't get that but like I said we're all different.

I guess my question to you is when do you "wake up"? This is what you have to deal with. The fog isn't just a wayward invention. Most people want to deny what is unpleasant and painful. It's a process. It blows.

I'm sorry you and your children are going through this. Focus your resources on you and them. Figuring someone out who is completely detached themselves is no longer a project worth your time or energy. "Understanding" doesn't often help much if the results are still not desired...at least in my experience.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


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