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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 7
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, September 12th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Phoenix 54,

I'm 2 1/2 years out and I still think about it every day. I'm still figuring things out and working through stuff.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce


Posts: 1912 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
sosorryididthis
♀ Member
Member # 36727
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, September 12th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

edit

[This message edited by sosorryididthis at 6:40 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]


Posts: 188 | Registered: Sep 2012
imagrownup
♀ Member
Member # 29587
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, September 12th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It has been almost 3 years since this all happened.
I am still floundering around most times are good some are bad. I guess I just need someone to help me. When I try to talk I can never get my feelings out correctly and I never get things resolved.
I am sad.
When I met my husband- I was uncomfortable with just sleeping with men. I felt and still do - that my body and being intimate is the biggest gift I have to give to someone and that I would not just sleep with any man. He was comforting and waited for me- nearly 2 years to be honest. He was kind and considerate to me. I did not want a player and this kind and considerate person won me over. I know this is old fashioned and I know most don't go with these feelings anymore, but I do. I didn't want a player - I didn't want someone like this.
I look at him now and realize that he is just that. His AP must have something wrong with her - she has slept with so many men, married young , old any thing and anyone. I truly feel sorry for someone that needs to have that kind of attention. He jumped into bed with her in one week and then fell head over heals for her. WTH???

He isn't who he said he was and our relationship was never based on anything that I thought it was. He is a player. I feel as if I a sleeping with the enemy, or a stranger.
My question I guess is- Did you become the complete opposite throwing all things out the window - everything including beliefs morals goals - everything that makes you who you are to be in an affair? Was there ever a place during the A that you said - hold on!!! This isn't me??
How does someone just stop being a human being - give up all that you have stood for and move on because it feels good. I don't think I can ever think of him as the man I married - ever. He is the man I ran away from when I was dating - I can't get over it. Please help me to understand.


Me BW 48
HIM WS 48
D-DAY1 11/5/09
D-DAY 2 11/28/09
D-DAY 3 3/15/10 Claims just talking
D-DAY 4 5/?/10 Says he quit talking???

Posts: 184 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: midwest
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, September 12th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, no, the BS's emotions don't push the WS away. The WS uses whatever they can to find a way to not have to take responsibility for what they done.

Baxters, so true.

My question is: why do WS contine to TT and lie either outright or by omission even though it tortures their BS and they purport to want to save the M? At what point did you understand this was not OK and you had to stop?

I see now I was gaslighted but I don't see what the upside was for my STBXWH - I was never going to believe him. Why inflict further hurt?


Sending all of the love and strength I can muster to Phoenix1 and her family.
"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal."

Posts: 4518 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
SurprisinglyOkay
♀ Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, September 13th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strongbutbroken
I can only speak for myself.
In some weird way I saw keeping the full truth from my BS as protecting him and me. This was my rationalization. It was based in self centered fear. I've been fiercely protecting myself from real and imagined threats since I was a child, my first instinct is to lie, protect protect protect. It's total crap. My BH has never been someone I needed to protect myself from. Just this week I let it go. I just gave it up, i couldn't live with my lies. It was either tell or leave. It was wildly scary but the HUGE knot I've been carrying around for a long time is gone. This was a really big thing for me and I feel liberated.
Like I said I can only share my experience.
To any WS who's holding back....let it go! I can see now that the damage comes from the secrets and lies...I heard it a lot, but now I get it a little better.


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1105 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, September 13th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you broevil - I said to my STBXWH that I think he'd rather hold onto his false self image than his marriage.

The saying "the biggest lies are the ones we tell ourselves" is certainly true in his case.

The truth would have set him and me free. I'm glad you have set yourself free.


Sending all of the love and strength I can muster to Phoenix1 and her family.
"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal."

Posts: 4518 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
iwantittowork
♂ New Member
Member # 36842
Concerned  Posted: 6:42 PM, September 16th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My girlfriend cheated on me for 6 months, in part because I had neglected her sexually and made her insecure about us/her. I found out in June and was devastated, like most BSs here, but I want it to work (thus my handle), and so does she. She broke up with him immediately and has seemed really to try hard. The problem is that sexually things have really changed. Now I want her more than I ever did, even at our rabbit start. But she either does not want me or does not want sex generally. We do have sex–quite a lot (3 times per week)– but she is doing it for me. I've seen her when she's into it and believe me she's not. I assume she misses him, had transferred her sexual feelings onto him, etc. I believe she'd like to feel more now but one can't force oneself to feel more. I'm wondering whether an WSs can relate and give me any kind of forecast.

Posts: 1 | Registered: Sep 2012
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, September 16th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iwantittowork,

Welcome to SI. I can relate to some degree, but before you go any further, you need to know that her cheating is not a result of your lack of giving attention to your WGF sexually. It was her choice to cheat. She could have approached you to discuss the issue. Instead, she chose to avoid the issue and slept with someone else. That is not your fault.

The stuff you are feeling now may be what is referred to as HB (hysterical bonding) which basically is a period of going at it like bunny rabbits.

As a WH who went through that, I can tell you that there were times when it was difficult, on the mental front, to connect with my BW. The reason was that HB for us kicked in before I started doing the work to get the MOW out of my head.

So, your WGF is likely not doing the mental work to get the OM out of her head. Only you will be able to gauge if she is able to do the work necessary to be able to R.

Moving forward, I would really suggest that you post your story in the Just Found Out forum. We (the SI WS's) can give you some answers to the mindset of your WGF, but you would be best served by looking for support from the BS's on this site before you put too much stock into the "thinking/mindset" of your WGF.

Have you read the Healing Library yet? There is a link in the little yellow box in th upper left hand corner of the screen. Read around. Be patient. This is a marathon, not a race.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6039 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
OnTilt
♀ Member
Member # 34140
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, September 17th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question for WS's that had EA only.

Could a WS that had EA(s) only please read my profile story and give me their opinion?

I'm ready to D over this, and I just need to know I'm not crazy. Or maybe that I am crazy!

Honesty needed and appreciated!

Be forewarned, my profile contains a lot of, um let's say, COLORFUL language.

Thanks for any feedback!


BS(Me), WH(Him) in our 50's
Status: I'm giving up on him

Posts: 372 | Registered: Dec 2011
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, September 17th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You aren't crazy. Your WH may be crazy though.

You have the evidence you need. You've seen what you've seen. He has told you some details, drunk or sober, doesn't matter. Personally, I don't think folks really lie about this type of stuff when they are drunk...

Even if there was no A, the fact that he is hiding things from you and not helping you at all is enough of a concern that he isn't getting it and won't get it. Everything about his behavior screams A. If these OW are nearby and you've seen hotel searches in his browser history, it is very possible that it has gone PA too, or would have before much longer. Many folks say EA's are just a PA which was discovered early.

You need to do whatever it takes to keep yourself sane. Have you confronted with all the evidence printed out, go into detective mode, use some of the advice from I-tips and lay it all out there, along with proof of your having retained a lawyer for D. See what happens with that.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6039 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
OnTilt
♀ Member
Member # 34140
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, September 17th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you BaxtersBFF for taking the time to read my profile and respond. I really appreciate it.

I know I'm not crazy, but now that I have decided I really am done, I needed that extra little bit of assurance. Being gaslighted for so long really takes a toll on the psyche.

As far as printing out and confronting with evidence, BTDT. I think even if I had an 8x10 glossy of him with someone, his face clear as day, he would INSIST it wasn't him. Seriously, his gaslighting is that bad. I see him do this in other situations in life as well.

He doesn't get it and probably never will. Any actions I take from here on out are definitely not in the hopes of him waking up.

Thank you again!


BS(Me), WH(Him) in our 50's
Status: I'm giving up on him

Posts: 372 | Registered: Dec 2011
hurting1600
♂ Member
Member # 36368
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, September 18th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question. My wife had a EA. She attempted to take it to a PA once. She now is "remorseful" sees this as getting our marriage back on track, etc. She isn't doing much work though. IC maybe 1 time a month. Stopped reading Just Friends, is talking but not initiating. I feel she is either still in the EA, it was actually a PA, or she is sweeping. Any thoughts?


BH me 50
WE her 44
3 children
Married18 years
Hopefully moving towards R

Posts: 63 | Registered: Aug 2012
Arais
♀ Member
Member # 33628
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, September 18th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would be really interested in a reply to imagrownup post from any W. The man I married is not the man that has been revealed to me since DD. So any insights would be hugely appreciated.

Posts: 329 | Registered: Oct 2011
copingdaily
♀ Member
Member # 34713
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, September 18th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need a WS ro tell me where to look for WH other phone.
Checked truck and old jackets even mothers house. Have never found it. He says he threw it but wnt give details


Treat others as you want to be treated

Posts: 292 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Texas
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, September 18th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurting1600- have you laid out clear requirements for R? If you have and she is failing to meet them, then what are the consequences? What she is doing sounds like rugsweeping or still in the A. Was NC sent? Any evidence of continued contact? Also, there was a post about what "dry adultery" looks like, it was in the wayward forum a few days ago. It's about how simply stopping the A and saying "look, I am not in the A. Therefore I'm remorseful and we can R!" is not enough to cut the mustard. That just means the WS is in a holding patten until the next AP or opportunity comes along.

Copingdaily- try his office at work?


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, September 18th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll correct myself a bit by saying its possible this was a one-off and she will never cheat again and isn't necessarily looking for another opportunity. But the important take home message I was trying to send is that just stopping the A isn't enough to be "fixed" and "not broken anymore." there is a lot of hard work a WS needs to do, no matter what, to repair whatever broken part of them justified the A or somehow led them down that path.


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
Stillhere97
♀ Member
Member # 36122
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, September 18th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now that you are out of the fog and have to look back at your actions. Have you found the why, or do you still have some " I don't know why". Did you feel that during the time in the fog were you or did you change and now in the clear can't image how you could get to that place. Don't know if this all make sense I have not been in the fog. My wh was in a drunken fog, dont know if that is worse or not.


BW 38
WH 40
Married 14yrs
2 kids
One night stand in foreign country
Process R!!!

Posts: 109 | Registered: Jul 2012
hurting1600
♂ Member
Member # 36368
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, September 18th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nothingelse... that is my Delia. I have laid out the requirements and she half heartedly does them. I am very close to a d. I hate to think like this because if I just forgot what happened everything would be going great. I just can't forget so soon. She doesn't get that.


BH me 50
WE her 44
3 children
Married18 years
Hopefully moving towards R

Posts: 63 | Registered: Aug 2012
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, September 18th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurting1600, I'm sorry. Have you told her about SI? Maybe seeing firsthand accounts from remorseful WS could help her see what actually fixing this mess looks like?
if I just forgot what happened everything would be going great. I just can't forget so soon. She doesn't get that.

This is not on you. She chose to had an A. The onus is not on you to forget. It is on her to fix her stuff. Of course you have healing to do too, but if the WS isn't willing to put in the work, how is that R?

Best of luck to you and if she is interested in joining SI, then she can feel free to PM me if she isn't comfortable posting right away. I can be slow to respond sometimes, but I'm always willing to help.


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
whatnow999
♂ Member
Member # 35494
Default  Posted: 12:59 AM, September 19th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did you become the complete opposite throwing all things out the window - everything including beliefs morals goals - everything that makes you who you are to be in an affair? Was there ever a place during the A that you said - hold on!!! This isn't me??

How does someone just stop being a human being - give up all that you have stood for and move on because it feels good. I don't think I can ever think of him as the man I married - ever. He is the man I ran away from when I was dating - I can't get over it. Please help me to understand.

imagrownup, I probably should post the disclaimer here that I am not a former/reformed WS at this point. My wayward behavior is still very recent. So maybe someone else may be able to give you a better answer.

That said I can relate to what you are talking about to a degree. You seem a lot like my wife. My wife is/was the prototypical quiet, conservative, shy Catholic girl. Only kissed one other guy before me. I'm the only person she has ever slept with.

I don't think I changed from who I was when I was having my affairs though.

I think there were almost two separate versions of me, if this makes any sense. There was the good me, with Em and then the douchebag version of me with everyone else. The guy who was selfish and arrogant. There was obviously some bleedover but I kept things fairly separate for a long time.

I find it hard to believe he suddenly changed into a "player". Odds are he always had that part but it was just concealed. I'm not sure if that is the answer you want though. But you know lots of WS on this site have changed themself and healed. Maybe your WH can be like that? I don't think he is a lost cause at all. He clearly has good in him if he was a good husband/partner for so long.


Me, 30, Husband
Her, 29, Wife
One Daughter, One Son

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