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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 7
Herkemeyer
♂ Member
Member # 36910
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, October 22nd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello, I have been lurking for about two months but this is my first post. My question is "my WW said that she felt no attraction for her AP yet that didn't stop her from repeatedly continuing her PA. This make no sense to me, anyone have any advise or comments?


BH-43
(F?)WW-39 (neznayou)
DDay-08/10/12 TT for 18 Months (I think)
Married 19 years

Posts: 91 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Colorado
pjkmkjm23
♂ Member
Member # 35778
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, October 22nd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh! I apologize...again! I really am sorry. Wow I've been getting in trouble here a lot the last couple of days!

I will PM my response...and do my best to follow the rules from here on out!


Me (BS) - 40
Her (EX) - 47
3 kids - D13, S12, D6.
M 15yrs, together ~17 yrs.
DD#1: Sept. 2004 mOM #1 (rugswept, I forgive...eventually)
DD#2: May 2012 mOM #2 (she walked-away)
Divorced: July 2013
Custody battle from hell: ongoing :-(

Posts: 273 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Canada
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, October 22nd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

rbecke -

Also, if the "FOG" is that powerful - does it also change your personality

No. Everyone is different.

Also, what is up with the WS blaming and hating the BS so much? That seems to be a common theme...Is it that you need someone to blame and so instead of yourself you blame your spouse even though "you" are the one "cheating" distroying everything like a bull in a china shop...

Calm down. We are not your wife - do not project your anger here. Feel free to vent in General and we will stay out of your way.

If you hang out on this forum more, you will see as many WSes who did not ever blame their BSes. It's just easier for you to see those stories right now because your wife blames you... Kind of like you notice lots of red cars after you buy a red car.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6043 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, October 22nd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Herkemeyer -

my WW said that she felt no attraction for her AP yet that didn't stop her from repeatedly continuing her PA.

There is no simple answer to this. She needs to figure out her past, her previous relationships, her attitude towards sex, how emotional or not is sex to her, how much sex is viewed as currency. There is no pat answer like, oh that is a type 5 affair, the no-attraction external validation type.

Only she can figure out why. You don't have the data.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6043 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
whatashame90
♂ Member
Member # 34772
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, October 22nd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is no simple answer to this. She needs to figure out her past, her previous relationships, her attitude towards sex, how emotional or not is sex to her, how much sex is viewed as currency. There is no pat answer like, oh that is a type 5 affair, the no-attraction external validation type.

This explains my WW entirely. Sex for attention and external validation of her self-worth. No emotion, all orgasm. ONS's, sex with mOM, saying sex with me over the years might as well be sex with anyone off the street, it all "feels the same". Really sad and heartbreaking to hear from a person you love.


ME-BH (40)
HER-WW (30)
Married 5 years, together 8 years
3 Kids, all boys, 6, 3 and 1.
DDay #1 - 4/09 EA and PA with coworker
DDay #2 - 6/10 (Nude pics to 2 men)
DDay #3 2/12 gave a stranger a blowjob in a parking lot
DDay #4 3/12 nude pics to OM1

Posts: 87 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: michigan
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, October 22nd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

whatashame -

This explains my WW entirely. Sex for attention and external validation of her self-worth. No emotion, all orgasm. ONS's, sex with mOM, saying sex with me over the years might as well be sex with anyone off the street, it all "feels the same"

This describes your wife. I did not say this describes Herke's wife. I said that she needed to figure out what her own relationship to sex was. Whether it was currency or not. Whether it was emotional or not.

I said there is no pat answer. It may well turn out that Herke's wife is like yours, but I do not know that. I merely provided some starting questions.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6043 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
brybry75
♂ New Member
Member # 36686
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, October 22nd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW, seeing me upset last night, made the comment that she wished she had realised what she was doing so she wouldn't have hurt me...

Is that something that WS don't actually think when having an affair? That the consequences are their spouses will be devastated? Isn't this something that a person would normally think/feel?

Background is my WW had a 1.5yr affair with my xBF.

Thanks for your honest answers...


Posts: 40 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Australia
Frasierkev
♂ New Member
Member # 36875
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, October 22nd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

US wrote:

When did she start hating you? When did you observe her distancing herself from you?

At least a year ago. We would have discussions over the kids or finances, agree on something and then the next day, she'd go out and not do what we agreed on but what she wanted to do in the first place. I noticed her friends would look the otherway when I entered the room earlier this year and thought this was weird- they new her plans. We went out to dinner with the kids this past year, but don't recall ever going out together at all- her life was always planned out months ahead of time. I remembered asking her a number of times if I could set up a date night or concert/play, and she always came back with an excuse saying she had this or that planned already.

Oh and then there would be the times she'd say something disparaging about me and then immediately after she come over and want me to hug her. I just didnt get it and many times I know I pulled away. Her wanting to hug me didn't seem genuine at all.

[This message edited by Frasierkev at 11:36 PM, October 22nd (Monday)]


Posts: 47 | Registered: Sep 2012
whatashame90
♂ Member
Member # 34772
Default  Posted: 5:00 AM, October 23rd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fixed.

[This message edited by whatashame90 at 6:56 AM, October 23rd (Tuesday)]


ME-BH (40)
HER-WW (30)
Married 5 years, together 8 years
3 Kids, all boys, 6, 3 and 1.
DDay #1 - 4/09 EA and PA with coworker
DDay #2 - 6/10 (Nude pics to 2 men)
DDay #3 2/12 gave a stranger a blowjob in a parking lot
DDay #4 3/12 nude pics to OM1

Posts: 87 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: michigan
Hope24
♀ Member
Member # 9344
Default  Posted: 5:04 AM, October 23rd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whatashame, do you realize what forum you're in?


She packed up her potential and all she had learned and headed out to change a few things.

Posts: 7603 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Poolside
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Red  Posted: 5:48 AM, October 23rd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

whatashame90,

The purpose of this thread is for you to be able to ask questions, not to answer questions or vent. Let's remember, the WS's who post in this thread do so to try to help, not to take your anger.

If you feel the need to vent, please feel free to do so in General.


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35330 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
whatashame90
♂ Member
Member # 34772
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, October 23rd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oops! Damn, Sorry about that... honestly lost track of the forum I was in. :(


ME-BH (40)
HER-WW (30)
Married 5 years, together 8 years
3 Kids, all boys, 6, 3 and 1.
DDay #1 - 4/09 EA and PA with coworker
DDay #2 - 6/10 (Nude pics to 2 men)
DDay #3 2/12 gave a stranger a blowjob in a parking lot
DDay #4 3/12 nude pics to OM1

Posts: 87 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: michigan
WalkinOnEggshelz
♀ Member
Member # 29447
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, October 23rd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

brybry,

I think there are plenty of WS's out there that knew exactly what they were doing and didn't care. There are also plenty that did not think that part through.

It all depends on her reasons and justifications. From my personal experience, I was very self centered, not in an "I am greater than you" sense but in a sense that people did things to either manipulate or hurt me kind of way. I lived my life through a lens that people were rarely genuine with me, that there was usually an alterior meaning behind what they said to me. It made the ability to have empathy for others very difficult.

I honestly believed that my BH no longer loved me. I felt I had hard evidence of that. I knew what I was doing was wrong. I knew he would be upset by the situation. But I did not realize the he himself would be so terribly hurt. And I certainly had no idea of the ripple effect that hurt would have.

I too had an A (one year long) with my BH's exBF. The double betrayal is one of those ripple effects that I never thought of.

I was just too busy worrying about what I was getting out of life to be bothered with how I might be treating others. The good news is that lack of empathy is not a permanent character flaw. I have some very distinct moments that empathy hit me and I began to get it.

Something else that impacted my lack of empathy was simply that I never really thought I was capable of hurting others the way I did. I had always considered myself a good person. I felt that if I was such a good person doing such a bad thing, there must be a valid reason. Well, the valid reason is that even good people are capable of bad things.

Not sure if any of these things would apply in your situation but I hope it helps.

[This message edited by WalkinOnEggshelz at 4:08 PM, October 23rd (Tuesday)]


Me: WS 41
Him: BH 42 (holdingtogether)
M: 17 years, together 21
2 Daughters: 12 and 9
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Posts: 493 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, October 23rd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW, seeing me upset last night, made the comment that she wished she had realised what she was doing so she wouldn't have hurt me...
Is that something that WS don't actually think when having an affair? That the consequences are their spouses will be devastated? Isn't this something that a person would normally think/feel?


The fog is a hell of a thing unfortunately. I know personally the first incident I sat in OM's living room while he was in the back thinking the words what am i doing over and over and over. It was almost a chant by the time he came back in the room. The second time 2 days later I was already disgusted with myself and thought I had already lost my BS and tried to recapture the reason I had done it to begin with. Huge backfire. But the thing is both times were all about me. In that moment I believe many WS don't think about consequences or the pain of the BS. It's only after when we are out of the situation, away from the haze and fog that the OP brings that we acknowledge. Some will try to make excuses for the pain they believe may one day come others on the other hand like me will start the guilt and remorse before it all comes to light.
When she says she wishes she had realized she may just mean she wishes she had realized how large an error she was making, realized the reason it was happening, realized how large the consequences would be to you, her and how far out the ripple effect would be. Unfortunately a lot of that doesn't get thought of on the road to the A or during the A and even sometimes after the A. Everyone is different though. I hope that helps.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2363 | Registered: Oct 2012
CLRhope4her
♀ Member
Member # 37243
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, October 23rd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll try to make a long story short. I have been married for 12 years and found out in June 2012 after my friend of 20 years left her husband that her intention was to leave hers for mine. My H and her had been texting and late night calling for about 6m, having a physical affair for about 6 weeks. Over the course of many many lies and revelations we've come to a place of what I believe is honesty about what happened.

I've given him example after example of times she used information from me to lure him in further. In August she text him basically wanting to pick up where she left off. The A ended abruptly when I found the phone records a week after she left her husband. I made my husband leave a voicemail telling her it was over. (I did not have any idea at the time just exactly what 'it' was at the time). My husband told her it was the worst mistake ever, he would spend the rest if his life making it up to me....and she then agreed and said She needed a goodbye for closure.

My H has now come clean completely and part of the honesty is that he feels he has many unanswered questions about why she did some things, what was real-what wasn't....basically he wants closure. He wants to make sure his feelings are gone forever and it would solidify his choice to choose me.

I've asked what happens if it gives him more questions. He doesn't know. I've asked what questions he wants to ask her. He doesn't know. I've asked if he would talk to her with me there. He said he couldn't get an honest answer from her. In the end I've refused to grant the meeting. He has completely honored my decision. However, he says he's not sure he'll ever get over that feeling of needin to get answers. He says he thinks someday if he sees her it will finally give him that final feeling of how he feels about her. A possibility he admits is that he still feels he loved her.

My question is-is this normal when the relationship ended without the closure? Is this normal even if it did? He claims since he has finally got off his chest that he misses her that the feelings for her have almost completely died. He rarely thinks of her and she doesn't consume his thoughts anymore. I do see that holding things in romanticize a situation that doesn't deserve it. My viewpoint is its unbelievably obvious how duped he was. he feels it just had to be real because he wouldnt have caused so much pain for something fake.

I just feel like I can't forgive and completely move on until the he 100% gives me his heart, soul and mind. Hope some of this jumbled mess makes sense.


BW- Me 35 & WH- Him 38
OW- My BFF for 25 years
DDay- 6/28/12 Final truth- 7/28/12
“We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.”

Posts: 175 | Registered: Oct 2012
rbecke1
♂ Member
Member # 37040
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, October 24th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please don't take this the wrong way WS's - But something I have noticed via SI is that most WS seem to choose an AP that is much less then their current H/W. They basically down grade big time.

My question is - why is that in "most" cases? I'm not saying all cases but "most" cases I have read on SI that seems to be the common theme.

Is it because most "normal" people with a good frame of mind would not behave in this manner (get involved with a married person) - not to say no one would not do anything.

Can any WS bring some light to this? Sorry if I am running on.

[This message edited by rbecke1 at 2:11 PM, October 24th (Wednesday)]


True remorse isn't followed by a "but".

ME - BS:40
Wife - WS:39
Married 10 years
2 boys - 3 1/2 and 7
DD 5/5/12

When life knocks you down, calmly get up, dust yourself off and say "YOU HIT LIKE A BITCH!"


Posts: 168 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: east coast
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, October 24th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CLR,

I'm so sorry you are being put through this.

First off, you are on this thread, which is not the most obvious thread to new members, so I'm assuming you've lurked for a bit. Based on that presumption, I would steer you to Just Found Out or General to get support from the many many BS's who can help you out.

However, you asked, so I'll answer.

Closure will get him nothing. If it happens, you will end up being put through more limbo. The answers he feels he needs are answers he needs to take responsibility for. Once NC is established, he needs to keep it, including the thoughts/beliefs that one last meeting would be helpful. Do not let it happen under any circumstances.

Real or fantasy is not an argument you will be able to win with him right now. If it was all just a fantasy, then we wouldn't all be here. It was very real to him. But it's over now and he has to make a choice based on the information he has now. Part of that information should be that there is a line in the sand which you have drawn. If he crosses that line you need to have consequences.

Don't let him contact here again.

[This message edited by BaxtersBFF at 9:34 AM, October 24th (Wednesday)]


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6037 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, October 24th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CLR -

he feels he has many unanswered questions about why she did some things,

Closure is overrated. There is no such thing. There will always be unanswered questions.

I just feel like I can't forgive and completely move on until the he 100% gives me

Absolutely! Don't let him linger. Tell him to work on forgetting her and he is lucky that you are giving him this chance.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6043 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, October 24th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Frasierkev -

At least a year ago.

So she is rewriting history, then.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6043 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
stungbytravel
♀ Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, October 24th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Why is my WH not begging me for forgiveness? He says he is sorry and seems sad but is still not giving back.


Not sure DD 10/6/2012
No doubt in my mind DD 04/2013
Sleeping in Separate Bedrooms 12/2012
Formal Separation 6/2013
Divorce Final 12/2013

Posts: 226 | Registered: Oct 2012
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