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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 7
Grownup2010
♀ New Member
Member # 31955
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, January 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unagie: I have read on other sites where the WS said something similar to your husband. ... they may have the Madonna–whore complex.

Thanks Unagie, I've read about Madonna-whore complex, and asked my WH to read and discuss it with his IC, they both think that WH does not have it (!) WH claimed he never had sexual attraction towards me (!) so there is not a Madonna association there. Sigh.


Me: 41
WH: 35
Married: 2007 (together since 2003)
DD and separated since 2010
R on and off
~Still believe WH will grow up and be a responsible person one day.
~Still believe what brought us together into the marriage is still there.

Posts: 20 | Registered: Apr 2011
UnexpectedSong
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Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, January 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH claimed he never had sexual attraction towards me (!) so there is not a Madonna association there

Eh??? The Madonna figure is the non-sexual association. The whore is the sexual one, obviously.

The Madonna-whore syndrome was what occurred to me upon reading your first post in here.

There is a disconnect here somewhere.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, January 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

By that theory, all those suffered from this Christian up-bringing must leave their first wives to suffer, and then they will be "cured" with their 2nd (or Xth) wives? Not making any sense to me.

People internalize their childhood lessons differently. Just because not everyone from a Christian upbringing leaves their first marriage doesn't mean that this isn't an explanation regarding your H.

If your H does not grow from this insight into his behavior, likely he will perceive his second wife - no matter how sexually at first - as a Madonna figure and start looking elsewhere again.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
summerain
♀ Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 2:35 AM, January 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question for ws, I've heard that ws break down and cry

Last week my wh broke down after his pyscologist appt and cried about people breaking his trust and then he said "then i realised that I had broken your trust"

then he said we needed to get going started the car stopped crying and drove off.

His voice broke infront of 150 people confessing his 'infidelity'. He broke down on the phone to his lecturer/ role model.

But he can't cry about it to me.

Please help me understand??!?


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 814 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
HerRock
♂ New Member
Member # 38189
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, January 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question for the WSs of this site. My wife cheated in December 2009 and again in April 2011. Same guy. And nothing in between. Told me how disgusting it was how she hate herself for becoming what she hated. But since then before I found out January 2013 we had a lot of great times. So my question is... Was it all a lie? We're we having food times or were we just doing business? Feels to me like she took all the happy memories away and replaced them in my mind with the kids and I having a great time and her just laughing at me for not knowing. Please help!?!


"If you wouldn't do it with God and your mother standing there, then you shouldn't be doing it. " sorry but I don't know who said it.

Posts: 30 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: South west ohio
She-Ra
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Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, January 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lauren:

I did 95% of my crying in another room when my BH couldn't see me or when he wasn't home. It was always when you're alone with your thoughts away from your BS and you don't want them to feel like they have to console you. It's embarrassing to cry over your own A's because you did it to yourself and your BS is the one who should be hurting, not you. I also felt like it was selfish to cry to him because I didn't want it to look like I was worried about my own feelings. The times I did cry to him was when we were having hard discussions about it and I couldn't help but break down.

Not sure if that sheds any light to you? Sorry it's hard to know what he's thinking as men are way different about crying than women as you know..

HerRock:

No your good and happy times together were very real. It might feel like a lie to you because of the deceit. Your WW was NOT laughing behind your back at all.

You said she hated herself? I wouldn't doubt that at all! During the time she was hiding her As, she was completely ashamed of herself, trying hard to be normal and pretend like it didn't really happen so she could function. I don't agree that she kept it a secret for so long but obviously she was afraid to lose you and be truthful.

I think it's quite natural and common for BSs to feel like the memories are ruined. It's a sad reality that a WS has to face that we tainted the times, even when we weren't cheating. The times we took to cover the lies are ruined too. My BH was pissed off that he felt duped from the time I stopped cheating to the time I confessed. I think with time and hard work by the WS, we can help ease that pain.

Hope that helps..


FWW 33 BH 33
Met 8 yrs ago, together for 6, married for 3
Dday Aug 10, 2012
Beautiful baby daughter born June 2013
Now in limbo.. I'm allowed to have deal breakers too

The WW formerly known as messedupchick


Posts: 736 | Registered: Jul 2012
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, January 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HerRock -

Was it all a lie?

You get to call it. My H felt like our entire courtship and marriage prior to the affair was a sham. There is no right or wrong, no truth or falsehood, about your feelings. If you feel like those years were a lie, then they were. It doesn't matter whether she felt guilty or not, was laughing or not.

Validate your feelings.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
summerain
♀ Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much for your response. I doubt he's crying but it's good to know that potentially he feels upset. He mentions a lot of anger. So maybe it's him trying to be 'manly' he apparently did cry when I left for a friends house for a day.

Thank you so much


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 814 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
maninpain2011
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Member # 36703
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When you confessed or when u were found out, did you stop right away? If you did why did you and if you didn't why didn't you? My WS was discovered by me and she stopped right away. She has told me...and shown me...that the OM was just a way for her to get attention that i wasn't giving her and that she always loved me and thats why she was able to stop right away. I would like to hear from other WS especially females to see how common this is.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
phoenix54
♂ Member
Member # 36574
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First of all, thanks to all the WS's who have the courage to be here and answer questions. I wish my wife was able to do that. But I digress...

My wife claims that she has absolutely no feelings for her AP, never thinks about him, wiped him from her memory. Can I really believe that? If she happened to run into him, would she feel the same way?

And one more. My wife has decided to stop her own IC for now citing multiple obligations with the kids, and therapy in several other venues including therapy related to our son with SA problems (now in recovery). We are in MC and I continue in IC. I have posted this elsewhere but I'm wondering how concerned I should be about this?

Thanks.

[This message edited by phoenix54 at 1:15 PM, January 22nd (Tuesday)]


BH: 45 (me)
WW: 43
11 month PA/EA
4 children
D-day: 5/4/12
Married: 17 years
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 436 | Registered: Aug 2012
HerRock
♂ New Member
Member # 38189
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My cheating wife and I have decided to try and work things out. I love her very much and she says she loves me and is doing a lot of work around house and emotionally with me. It is so hard to stay strong. Twice I have broken down into tears in front of her. Anyone who knows me knows this is a huge deal for me and I hate it. I want her to understand how I feel. I have never spoken of feelings to anyone in my life so this is hard for me. I know she is working hard and I don't want to "kick someone when they are down" but the best way I can explain what I am feeling is to tell her that "I still love her very much, and I want to have a GREAT marriage to her but what she has done is make me fall out of love with being married" So to all the WSs out there of you were obviously trying hard and you are quitting your job to be home in the evenings would this be a huge kick in the face or something you would want to hear if your spouse felt this way? Pleas help me. Know matter how bad she hurt me I still want to help and protect her. Love her so much. Thanks


"If you wouldn't do it with God and your mother standing there, then you shouldn't be doing it. " sorry but I don't know who said it.

Posts: 30 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: South west ohio
My_Name_Is_Alice
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Member # 34646
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From reading on SI, I've seen that in many cases it takes some time after DDay for the WS to feel remorse and really work on R. In my case, it's been 2 years, which seems extreme even for SI, but that's another issue. My question is for those WS's who took a very long time, like several months at least, to really "get it" and start R work for real. What made you see the light?

Right after DDay, my WH said he wanted to R because he loved me and our son and our life and didn't want to lose all that. Then he piled on 2 years of no remorse, "get over it", and pushing every boundary he could with other women. So now, I want a D and he doesn't. So he's suddenly doing all the things I've been begging him to do for 2 years. I don't get this. Why now? But his reason is because he loves me and our son and our life and doesn't want to lose all that. Shouldn't there be some other reason now? He says there isn't.

My concern is that if he has the same reason, won't he have the same actions eventually? When I'm no longer threatening to call an attorney, won't he just go back to the way he was for the last 2 years, unless he has some other reason for wanting to stay? So I'd like to know, if you're a WS who took a long time to "get it", did you have different reasons after getting it for wanting to stay in the M than you did right after DDay?


Me: BW (38)
Him: WH (37) (MyNameIsDoug)
Married in 2004, living together since 2003
1 son, 6 years old
DDay: ONS on 10/23/2010
In R cause I have nowhere else to be

Posts: 89 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Pittsburgh, PA
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

maninpain2011

When you confessed or when u were found out, did you stop right away?

The first time, years ago, when it was just some inappropriate text messages: yes, I stopped right away (he found out). Then, 2 years later, another set of inappropriate texts (with the same OM) led to a full-blown EA/PA. XBS found out again and decided to D, but I didn't continue the relationship with the OM.


If you did why did you and if you didn't why didn't you? My WS was discovered by me and she stopped right away.

I stopped the first time because I wanted to repair relationship with XBS. I stopped the second time, even despite the D, because I would have been too embarrassed to attempt a "legitimate" relationship after the A. Also, I felt that it would be worse for my XH.

Phoenix54

My wife claims that she has absolutely no feelings for her AP, never thinks about him, wiped him from her memory. Can I really believe that? If she happened to run into him, would she feel the same way?

I'm sure it's possible. It wasn't my experience after the first D-day (see my post above to maninpain2011). As soon as something hinting at flattery or romance was said, even years later, I was back in the A. But in my case, the OM was my ex-boyfriend so we had a history that extended beyond the A. If he had been a stranger or an acquaintance that I knew only in the context of having had an A---in other words, associating him with solely betrayal and negativity rather than also a positive history---I might have felt differently.

Now, to be honest, I think of him (or at least my A) every time I am on SI. I would not say I have wiped my infidelity from my memory. I do know I don't have positive feelings for him any longer.

And one more. My wife has decided to stop her own IC for now citing multiple obligations with the kids, and therapy in several other venues including therapy related to our son with SA problems (now in recovery). We are in MC and I continue in IC. I have posted this elsewhere but I'm wondering how concerned I should be about this?

I am hesitant to answer this question because I don't know the dynamic of your situation or the point to which your wife has fixed her issues. I assume you've discussed your concerns about her stopping with her?


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My_name_is_Alice

I didn't "get it" until my XH divorced me. It's unfortunate that I was that stubborn and selfish, but it's the truth.

So I'd like to know, if you're a WS who took a long time to "get it", did you have different reasons after getting it for wanting to stay in the M than you did right after DDay?

At first, I didn't want to lose him and our relationship. I didn't want to be alone. I didn't want to be a failure.

Now, I now that I love him and want to be with him for life. I want him to be the father of my children. I want him to be my partner. I want to show him how much he means to me and how happy I am with him and that is more important to me than anything else. I just regret that it took doing such a reprehensible thing to him to realize it.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
Unagie
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Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

her rock

So to all the WSs out there of you were obviously trying hard and you are quitting your job to be home in the evenings would this be a huge kick in the face or something you would want to hear if your spouse felt this way?

As a WS I am doing the work on me not just for my relationship but for myself as well. Part of the work I am doing is being able to hear and deal with BBF's feelings about us. He also feels like our relationship was a lie because he didnt have all the facts so all our good memories are now bullshit. That hurts like hell but I cant force him to think otherwise it is his right to feel as he does. He also feels like maririage is bullshit and a facade. He feels it is meaningless and he doesnt care about whether or not we will ever marry. That is painful too. He has told me he wants to get me pregnant and leave me. That comment left me wailing into a pillow and hurting inside so much I felt like I would die. But im obviously still alive and kicking. Your emotions are yours to own and sharing them with your WS willshow her how much in pain you are how much she has hurt you. Stop trying to protect her she has to learn to do that for herself and you need to take care of you.

So my answer is yes I would want to know. I dont care how much work ive put in if BBF is feeling this way it is important for me to know and important for him to be able to express it.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2380 | Registered: Oct 2012
My_Name_Is_Alice
♀ Member
Member # 34646
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

heartbroken0903, thank you so much for your response. I wonder if you would please answer a follow-up question?

Did you tell your XBH right after DDay that you didn't want to be alone or be a failure? Or did you tell him that you loved him and wanted to spend the rest of your life with him?

I can believe that WH said right after DDay that he loved me and didn't want to lose me, when the truth was really that he didn't want to be alone, leave his house or move away from his son. So, while the loving me part might have been a lie then and the truth now, it seems to me like a lie then and a lie now. If it was a lie then and the truth now, I wouldn't be happy about him lying to me then, but it would at least make logical sense. Does that make any sense?


Me: BW (38)
Him: WH (37) (MyNameIsDoug)
Married in 2004, living together since 2003
1 son, 6 years old
DDay: ONS on 10/23/2010
In R cause I have nowhere else to be

Posts: 89 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Pittsburgh, PA
whatamess11
♀ Member
Member # 37781
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by whatamess11 at 3:39 PM, January 22nd (Tuesday)]


D-Day 7/6/12 - My A was discovered that day; he confessed of his A's the day after
Me: WS/BS
HIM: WS/BS (Cantgetworse11)
US: Madhatters
Together 20 yrs, 2 children, and trying....

Posts: 62 | Registered: Dec 2012
cantgetworse11
New Member
Member # 37811
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all. Myself and my WW are madhatters. Her A was discovered and shortly after I came clean regarding my A's. I have been accused, rightly so, of comparing our A's, and I do not wish to do that here, now...My triggers are immense. I have the hardest time, especially as a mad hatter, knowing what my WW said to her AP (also, my best friend)...When a WS says, "you are the person of my dreams" "I cant live without you" etc.....As someone who strayed and never even remotely thought or said these things in my A's, I struggle knowing how my WW felt and it is affexting my progress as we try very hard to R. Any advice? How do others del with knowing the words your WS told their AP and trying to move forward in R. thanks
D Day 7/6/12
Me: BS/WH
HER: WS/BS (whatamess11)
US: Madhatters
Together 20 yrs, 2 children, and trying....


D Day 7/6/12
Me: BS/WH
HER: WS/BS (whatamess11)
US: Madhatters
Together 20 yrs, 2 children, and trying....

Posts: 25 | Registered: Dec 2012
summerain
♀ Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why does wh has really hate main ow? I said she was trouble for years! And now after six months of doing god knows what. I catch him and he hates her!

Now he's going to see her for at least another two years and I'm wondering if the hate is good, or bad?

Thanks!


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 814 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My_name_is_Alice

Did you tell your XBH right after DDay that you didn't want to be alone or be a failure? Or did you tell him that you loved him and wanted to spend the rest of your life with him?

I believe (after D-day 2007) that I told him both of those, after both D-days. I actually felt both ways (fear of being alone as well as him being the one I wanted to spend my life with) after both D-days, although my fear of being alone was much less after D-day 2010. In '07, I remember being paralyzed with fear...that he would break off the engagement (we weren't yet married at that time), that I would lose this great man...and yet three and a half years later I did lose him by doing the same thing with the same guy.

Even just typing this out I know I sound ridiculous. I now see that I was very fickle and indecisive and immature about my feelings and my ability to relate to others. It reads to me like a schoolgirl doodling on her notebook, playing "who do I love?". I just know that at the time, I was extremely torn as to which direction to go.

The divorce was my wake-up call and call to clarity.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
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