. The thing is she loved severe biting and choking. I do NOT care for choking...that's just not me. But I enjoy nibbling, biting and sucking on my H chest during sex. He does not like for me to do it. He jokes that it hurts but he only enjoys being the who bites. He might rarely let me do that once in a blue moon. Something that bothers me and I don't want to bring it up, I just don't. I remember twice that I saw my H during the A, his gym shirt was loose and I noticed SEVERE bite marks on his chest. I mean the like a 8"x"8 section of black and blues on him.
Why did he do that with her and act like he doesn't want to because it hurts??? I rarely trigger during sex but I did yesterday. We wanted to fool around and he started telling me everything he was going to do and I hesitated for one thing and he tells me " the word no doesn't exist"
I completely and totally went numb. He knew instantly that I had triggered and wanted me to tell him why I turned cold all of a sudden.
Today he asked me in a way like he knew why I triggered. I told him...
When he was in the A and living with her, he told me something pretty hurtful. He had said once " the word no doesn't exist with her"
Am I this severely traumatized that this still bothers me???? I think maybe he triggers himself when he attempts to passionately suck on my skin. I see him start but stop midway like he doesn't wantto hurt me but it was different with her.
I just wonder why can't we do these certain things but he was 100% in to do this to her.
DD 6/26/10 (he broke down & confessed)
DD#2 3/14/11 H in OW's car
TT 7/1/11 (NC broken, through emails)
The A allows you to detach from reality and ignore some of those inhibitions that we usually have. Iím guessing that what he did with OW was disconnected from the emotional intimacy that he experiences with you.
[This message edited by tooloyal at 3:55 PM, February 3rd (Sunday)]
[This message edited by tooloyal at 5:00 PM, February 3rd (Sunday)]
DDAY#2- Jan 9,2012 2yr EA/PA with howorker
2-DD 22/15 and a son 20 (US NAVY)
Was tryin to R but to many false r. lies upon lies and not helping me heal now Seperated.....
I forgive people, but that
[This message edited by rockbottom2468 at 1:34 PM, February 7th (Thursday)]
"Even on my weakest days,
I get a little bit stronger"
How can you have a 2 year EA/PA , fall in love with that person, make plans and then when you get caught walk away like it was nothing? Or do you harbor feeling that you just don't share with BS? I just don't understand why after 2 years and getting caught the marriage you have consciously destroyed is now good enough! Please any insight?
I am both a BS and a WS. I think it probably varies from person to person, but from my WS perspective the reason for walking away like it was nothing would be because the marriage is more important than the A and that consequences were either never thought out or the selfishness and entitlement was so all encompassing that it overrode all logic at the time.
I have read so many of your posts and for your WH to have stayed with such a loser and destroy his whole family because of a "soulmate" feeling is just absurd. Also if they can't make their relationship work in real life what kind of "soulmate" connection is that? I am sorry you had to hear that nonsense.
How can you have a 2 year EA/PA , fall in love with that person, make plans and then when you get caught walk away like it was nothing?
Because I didn't realize until literally that very minute that it wasn't worth it.
Once the reality of getting caught set in---and the reality is more than just "oh shit, my spouse knows"; it's dealing with family, friends, coworkers, splitting up houses/finances/logistics (and for some of y'all, kids)---sometimes the WS suddenly realizes that this isn't what they really want after all.
I think that, all things being equal, the AP and I could have had a perfectly adequate relationship. It certainly was adequate years before, when we were a legitimate couple. But all things weren't equal. Suddenly, the reality set in that being together meant actively rubbing ourselves in the face of the person (my then-H) that we betrayed; of being a shameful relationship in the face of family and friends rather than one of joy; of constantly living with the stain of what we had done being a part of our history. In that moment, I realized, "No thank you. That is not the kind of life I want."
Don't get me wrong: I had considered all this during the affair. I thought I had my eyes wide open. But thinking about it in the abstract is very different than actually being confronted with the reality.
Or do you harbor feeling that you just don't share with BS?
I no longer have romantic feelings for the AP. Any positive memory or feeling for him is tarnished by the fact that for him, I threw away my loving and sweet and good husband.
I just don't understand why after 2 years and getting caught the marriage you have consciously destroyed is now good enough!
It's a cliche but I think it's true: sometimes you don't know what you have until it's gone (or about to be gone).
Married 2.5 years
Reconciling after divorce
I don't have advice for your situation, but I want to say that I'm sorry your XH is such an ass as to say that shit to you, and to ask WHY the hell is he telling you about his "heartbreak" over the OW anyway? I mean, seriously? Is he doing it to be deliberately cruel or does he have some reason to think you'd want to hear this??
We had a false recovery after affair was discovered, now we are committed to working on honest reconcillation.
One thing is preventing my WH showing complete remorse (which I need from him) is his difficulty in understanding why the OW lied about her feelings and ego boosting....it seems to be a part he struggles to accept....I feel he avoids the facts because he doesn't want to let go of the feeling it gave him....he says he knows she used him, he understands that, but why did she need to lie about her feelings etc....I said why wouldn't she, jealousy over what WH and I have....she told him she had never had someone love her for 26+ years, she would share him....of course she's got to say something/anything to keep him going back....
I would really appreciate any WS/AP who found themselves in this situation and what helped them to finally accept lies are part of justifying an affair.....
We want to move forward as for the last 3 months progress has been very good
Really hope some WS in particular can help my WH understand/make sense of the lies told by AP/WS and allow him to finally be remorseful (he wants this as well).....
[This message edited by tooloyal at 1:29 PM, February 8th (Friday)]
Your WH is still wrapped up in the affair fantasyland and fun feelings it gave him. It's easy to think that your affair was special and unique. For me I became wrapped up in the newness of meeting someone and all the flattery.
It wasn't until I spent some time on SI and learned that it's all part of the affair formula. That you used them and vice versa. I had to learn that EVERYONE who is a wayward follows the same recipe with AP lies and flattery to get what they want from you too. I remember feeling like a bigger idiot for falling for all the shit.
I'm not sure where your WH would learn that his affair was not special and the lies are typical for any wayward unless he joined SI as well and had a good dose of smarten the fuck up from other waywards. There is no book or online resource for the special type of 2x4s that only the SI wayward section would provide.
The WW formerly known as messedupchick
[This message edited by tooloyal at 3:16 AM, February 9th (Saturday)]
He has tried to convince me (for two years) but I still have those doubts. Have any of you waywards had success in convincing your BS that they are truly the one they want to be with, and if so, how did you do it. I am tired of wondering about this. I am a strong person, and this weakness in myself makes me want to puke. Thanks in advance. K
My WH has been keeping secrets from me for years, incl an EA about 4.5 yrs ago and a 2 year EA/PA that ended recently. He's finding it hard to get used to being honest and not holding back about some day to day stuff. I'm finding that this triggers me very badly and I'm almost at my emotional limit. I need some perspective, please.
"lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint, but rather be healed" Heb12v13
"Oh God give me
I never thought my WH was even capable of lying until last year. Integrity was his middle name. We've been together a very long time, so I truly thought I knew the man. I can understand now that maybe that was a heavy crown to wear. Now I hardly have any communication with him and the minor communication we do have are usually easily found out lies.
I would like to understand why he lies? And I would like to understand how to approach him about him lying to our kids. He is in Mexico right now, when he said he was at a work training in Texas. I've snooped enough to feel confident that he is in Mexico with another couple and with OW. He lied to daughters about his trip, again saying he was working in Texas, and then he called dd17 from a strange phone number - which she googled and it was Cabo San Lucas. Not too bright, dear.
So what to do with this information? Ultimately, I feel that I know the true man and he is in a well of self abuse and hatred now. I worry for him greatly, knowing the permanent damage he's caused to his relationship with our daughters. He has never wanted to R with me, he just walked out and never looked back. I didn't know about OW for many months, because he lied to me. Lied to our girls, telling them he would never cheat on their mother while he was in the act of doing it.
I assume he'll be back next week and daughters are now sick of the lies and don't want to have anything to do with him. I assume he will contact dd17 when he returns and try to make arrangements to see her. She wants me to intercede. I was also lied to, so feel that I need to make a stand for my own pride and for my girls, but how to do it?
Before he left, I would have been a screaming mess. It would have been bad, I would have looked to cause the most pain. Fortunately, I have changed. I don't want to hurt him, I want him to understand what his lies are doing! I've begged for his honesty and realize now that he's never promised it, but I again assumed that if he knew I was begging for honesty he would oblige.
Do I just state the facts? "daughters and I know you've been on a romantic honeymoon with ow and we do not accept your lies any longer. Girls do not wish to hear from you for the time being." Do I try to persuade him? "Can't you see the damage you are causing? Are you proud of this man you've become? Who are you? Our daughters deserve honesty and truth!"
In my self discovery and inner healing, I feel I truly have an understanding of his self hatred and I feel bad for him. I would have tried to help him heal himself and our relationship for my family. I never wanted to lose our marriage. But nothing has changed and he still lies.
So from a WS point of view, why does he lie? And what would be the most effective way of confronting him?
starting D summer 2013
Today she admonished me for having angry feelings.
I think one of the biggest mistakes a WS can make is not having the patience with a BS through the long haul of all the emotions.
I know I had to catch myself a couple times the first two years after d-day with not losing my cool and getting angry.
It requires a concious effort on the WS's part to stay calm, understanding and patient. Maybe if you can explain that to her it will help pull herself in when she feels her anger rising.
"I'm happily indifferent to the ones who have consistently been wrong" ~kd lang~
Please help. I'm trying to understand why, after 9+ months, my wife is not consistently remorseful. She has been NC since d-day. We continue in MC. Some days, I can see the remorse. Other times, she is so consumed by her own feelings. Today she admonished me for having angry feelings. I've reached my limit and I posted on SI earlier today that I don't think I can R with someone who is not selfless enough to support me through this. Any advice?
Her getting angry is not good, you do need support and anger is not an emotion that should be shown when you need support as a BS. Now this may not be popular but understand that if she is working through her shit there are going to be days when it consumes her and it is not easy to pull out of that. Those days it may not be that she is not remorseful but that the enormity of her actions have hit her and she needs time to process as well. It's not fair but the WS is growing, changing and learning throughout this process and one of the hardest things I found were the days that my actions hit me and as much as I wanted to be there for my BS I was a useless mess because I was living the pain of what I had done to him and myself. Perhaps talking to her and having her communicate why she gets so caught up in herself will help both of you.
ETA: I am in no way supporting her angry behavior, that is not right no matter what.
[This message edited by Unagie at 9:05 PM, February 11th (Monday)]
Both had DDays and TT
Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.
Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.