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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 7
CreekWalker
♀ Member
Member # 38215
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, February 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rockbottom,
I highly suspect your spouse headed off into his childish affair, quelling his dissonance by creating a fable that he had "met his soul-mate."

Now that his magical, pretend, "full of good reasons for it" fest has failed...he knows what a fool he is going to look like. He douched his wife and kids for a...kid. SOoooooo, as he realized that duh, a 20 year old in 2013 isn't going to want a 33 year old dude with baggage...well, he called you to tell you they split up. But...because he can't face how stupid he looks, he of course had to make a big speech to you, rationalizing his break-up in the same ridiculous way he rationalized his infantile relationship.

Going to you...to tell you all of that...was his way of sticking to his fable, rationalizing, and making his initial actions still ok. He's creating a place where he's safe. Where he doesn't have to really look at how bad what he's done is, and at how stupid he looks now.

Don't let his crazy foggy story detract from the relationship memories you have. You had a real love, a real relationship, and a real marriage. He's off in la la land now. Maybe he'll wake up, maybe he won't, but his stupid choices don't reflect on your journey, just his.

Stay strong. You know who you are and the truth.


BW, reconciled since 2009,
Him 42
Kids 3 Teens

Posts: 58 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: NY
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 10:02 PM, February 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Creekwalker...

This thread isn't for BS's to dialogue back and forth on...it's strictly for BS's to ask questions in hopes to have the WS's answer.

Thank you.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 192147 | Registered: May 2002
BrokenDaisy
♀ Member
Member # 37063
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, February 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For the WS's that TT'ed or were serial liars. Those who struggle to be honest. How did you overcome your first instinct to lie? Can a WS that has lied for so long truly change and become an honest person who doesn't hide things?

I know my WH's lying was caused as a protective mechanism in childhood to avoid abusive situations (he got very good at lying to get out of tricky situations with his very abusive father) so i know where it started. My question is can it really end? Is it a process or should he be able to immediately stop?

[This message edited by BrokenDaisy at 7:22 AM, February 12th (Tuesday)]


Me BxW, him SA NPD WxH
1 wonderful toddler - sole legal custody to me and supervised visitation to xwh.
DDay 01/2012
10/2013 Divorced!!

Posts: 216 | Registered: Oct 2012
HFSSC
♀ Member
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From my WW/OW (and recovering addict) perspective:

It required DAILY proactive truth-telling efforts. It required me to actively plan my conversations and take time before responding, particularly in stressful situations/conversations.
It required consistent amends whenever I failed and lied.

When I had enough of going back people and saying, "I just told you a lie. The truth is actually xyz" it became easier to default to honesty.

But it took me almost 2 years before I would say the honesty was hard-wired into me.


Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 17 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2486 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
healinginsideout
♀ New Member
Member # 38302
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Broken Daisy

It takes a constant awareness on my part when in conversation. I have actually corrected myself mid-conversation. I also have developed a 'pause button' type approach, esp when talking to friends and family - who were my "lying audience". I stop myself - breathe - then state the truth. I am constantly conscious of what I am saying/have said in the moment. I really look forward to the day when it is natural.

I have given myself no other option as I know honesty is THE MOST IMPORTANT part of my healing that my BH needs to see/hear.

The tricky part has been that we are keeping our struggles around the betrayal between us and not sharing with anyone... therefore when anyone asks me how we are doing, I have to hedge or divert to talking about the kids. He knows this and it is at his request that we keep it between us.

I can tell you that the more time passes, the better I feel about myself.


Me 41 FWW
Him 35 BH
2 DS - 5 & 8

Posts: 3 | Registered: Jan 2013
BrokenDaisy
♀ Member
Member # 37063
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HFSSC and healinginsideout thank you for taking the time to answer.

Some days i see hope and some days are just so painful. I see the effort he puts in and how hard he is working on it (IC twice a week and we talk A LOT) but it doesn't take the hurt away. It doesn't take that need away to know the truth. That lingering fear that you're still being fooled.

You give me hope especially HFSCC that you are further along in this journey and have managed to change the destructive behaviour of deceit. Thank you, I really needed some outside perspective today.


Me BxW, him SA NPD WxH
1 wonderful toddler - sole legal custody to me and supervised visitation to xwh.
DDay 01/2012
10/2013 Divorced!!

Posts: 216 | Registered: Oct 2012
cloudyskies
♀ Member
Member # 36228
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Posted this in the wrong forum earlier. Sorry about that.....

Question to the WS' s:

If the OW/OM was the love of your life, your soulmate, your one in a million and after re-writing the marriage history and everything that comes along with that.
WHAT or WHY made you decide that R'ing with the spouse you left behind was what you truly wanted and not the AP?


Me: BS 33
Him: WS 40
Married 6 yrs, together 8 yrs
1 child

2 drunken ONS, on-again/off-again 1 year Affair
D-day Feb 2012
OW co-worker (they still work together)
Status: He killed our marriage! Working on a new one...


Posts: 120 | Registered: Jul 2012
stillcrying4ever
♀ Member
Member # 38310
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does the WS really really get the pain that the BS feels?


D Day May 27, 2012
In R


Posts: 157 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

stillcrying,

I think a WS can see the pain a BS feels. They know it's there and that they put it there. They can get it, but I'm not sure they can ever feel it the same way as the BS. Maybe sometimes that happens in madhatter situations. I know what it's like from past relationships. It's sort of like asking if a BS can understand the pain that a WS feels. They are two different things. One is done to someone, the other is done to self. Doesn't mean we can't be empathetic with each other and help each other to work through that pain.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 4:52 AM, February 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cloudyskies,

At a certain point reality could not be denied any further.

I think many WS enter into Aís timidly. They know when they crossed a line. Right after the line is crossed the work begins to justify it. Once it is justified the first time, it gets easier to do over and over for some period of time. Over and over the WS can tell themselves that everything about the AP is perfect.

Eventually the continued barrage of reality final breaks through the fantasy. The coping mechanisms and the compartmentalization become more and more difficult to maintain. The illusion that was the AP eventually dissipates.

At that point, I realized I was that guy, and I didnít want to be that guy, although I fought it for a long time. Eventually I deconstructed all the false things and the truth was there in my BW, always had been. That is one thing I had always valued, until I didnít. When I didnít value the truth, I didnít like who I was or what I found out I was capable of.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, February 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

greenink99, (from page 25)

In the end, it doesnít matter why he is lying now. He exited the M, quite literally, when he walked out the door. In cases like that, the only thing to do is give them what they want. Divorce.

As far as confronting him about the lies, it wonít help. As far as trying to persuade him, it hasnít helped yet has it? Donít waste your energy on that.

Someone who spent some time asking questions in this ICR thread recently posted that it doesnít matter anymore. Her situation was different than yours, and I think I understand what she is saying, but it is completely appropriate for you to adopt that mindset know. Whatever he does, it doesnít matter. The lies? He will hang himself with those lies soon enough. Your kids know what they know. You can still co-parent and your kids will know the truth based on their own observations.

Keep working on yourself and getting support from the D/S forum. They know exactly what youíre going through.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
NikkiD
♀ Member
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, February 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS made it a point to tell me last week that I am still his wife and that he misses me. (he is currently living with the OW)

My question is: If he is where he wants to be, which is obvious by his actions, what is the point of making those comments?


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 647 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
navymom1
♀ Member
Member # 36007
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, February 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hoping for answers and honesty appreciated? How many of you did not initiate sex with your BS's? What did you do to make BS feel wanted and desired? My WS has no interest in sex and I feel only does it when I initiate it, but when he was in his affair he had to go to her at least 1x a week for sex! I don't understand! I am starting to take it personally



Me-40
WS-42
Married 1995
DDay# 1995
DDAY#2- Jan 9,2012 2yr EA/PA with howorker
2-DD 22/15 and a son 20 (US NAVY)
Was tryin to R but to many false r. lies upon lies and not helping me heal now Seperated.....

I forgive people, but that


Posts: 84 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: New Jersey
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, February 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NikkiD,

Either he is trying to find a way to manipulate you into thinking he is still a good guy, or he had a moment of reality. Since he is still with OW, I would say itís the former.

The reason would probably be that if he gets a response out of you in the positive column, then he can still find a way to feel good about himself. And if he feels good about himself, then he can maintain his current choices and decisions.

What was your response?


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, February 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

navymom1,

Iím just going to ask, is he out of the A in his head? How is R going otherwise? Your signature says you are separated, so Iím a bit confused.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, February 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

stillcrying -

Does the WS really really get the pain that the BS feels?

I don't. Did you? Before you got cheated on, what was your attitude towards betrayed spouses?


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, February 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NikkiD -

If he is where he wants to be, which is obvious by his actions, what is the point of making those comments?

There is no point. It is his feeling and feelings are always legitimate. But they don't mean anything without actions.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, February 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Phoenix -

I don't think I can R with someone who is not selfless enough to support me through this.

You cannot control her into being selfless and supportive. All you can do is decide if you can live with her as she is for the next 50 years.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
LovingHim83
♀ New Member
Member # 38296
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, February 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am looking for help for my WH. I want him to come to this site and start asking you other WS's for guidance but he keeps putting it off.

He doesn't talk to anyone about his affair, the feelings he's sorting through that he had with his AP. The other morning he was looking upset, about to cry and I asked him to talk to me (which getting him to talk is like pulling teeth) and he said "If I can't change I'm going to lose something wonderful (pointing to me). No it's not the domestic support and the kids I'm talking about, I'm going to lose you. I'm going to lose your love." I told him that he would find someone else to love him and he said it wouldn't be the same, no one would be able to love him like I do because everyone is different.

I figure if I can get him onto this site he could get some help. He refuses IC because of his job. He's afriad of being diagnosed depressed, he would lose his job (but he doesn't think he's depressed because he was happy with the OW). WHen I asked him to come here, he said I don't deserve to have help. I told him that he does deserve help, that we can't work on our marriage unless he workds on himself too. I told him that I don't care if the help he gets leads us to divorce, just as long as he gets help and can love himself again. Please how can I help him to finally get some hep for himself?

[This message edited by LovingHim83 at 11:23 AM, February 19th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 36 | Registered: Jan 2013
NikkiD
♀ Member
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, February 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BaxtersBFF

What was your response?

I didnt. Sunday, he sent me another message saying "ur beautiful and powerful and worth more than I could ever give you.."

I didnt respond to that either.

UnexpectedSong

There is no point. It is his feeling and feelings are always legitimate. But they don't mean anything without actions.

Fair enough.


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 647 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
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