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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 7
crossroads2010
♀ Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 6:06 AM, February 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thany you fsc...
I do think that he was not think that he wasn't "hearing" the lyrics at that momment although they were blazingly obvious...I have a hard time knowing when to say something and when not when it comes to triggers...we do a lot of NOT TALKING about the A and aftermath and I know that it not the way to solve problems but I have to deal with a lot of this myself if I am to heal myself and he seems to think that it sets us back when I have momments like these. I worry that he may have triggers that I may spur by bringing up things that may remind him of her and that scares me...so the issue is always going to be ...how to deal with my triggers and anxieties without risking that.

Posts: 509 | Registered: Nov 2010
NotsureIcan
♀ Member
Member # 38113
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, February 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There has been a difference in sex from the time my WH was having an affair. We had really over the top sex while he was seeing OW on and off for 3&1/2 months. We were in R for a part of that time but I didn't know about her.
Now that I know about her and we are almost 4 months from d-day and in MC & IC sex is good but not the way it was before. Can anyone shed some light on this for me? Please? When I have tried to talk about it to WH he denies it saying its better than ever but it does not seem like he's really into it....help!

Posts: 116 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Florida
englishrose
♀ Member
Member # 34974
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, February 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you ever/still think about your OW/OM?

If you do, what do you think or feel about her/him.

If you don't, when did you stop?

What happened to make you stop?


me BW 46 WH 43
DS 7
DS's 21 & 19 (my boys - from my previous marriage)
Ddays 3&17/3/2011



Posts: 186 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: UK
forgivingnow
♀ Member
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, February 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you remember the date of dday?


Me-BS 51
FWH-50
M 30 yrs
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 577 | Registered: Oct 2011
Lulu38
♀ Member
Member # 37570
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, February 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Englishrose
I think about OM only in the context of my own actions. I don't think of him really, it's more that I am so guilt ridden and discusted with myself that I went outside of the M.

I don't have fond feelings or any feelings at all for him. I did go through a period of 2 months (? maybe- really bad with time) that I thought I missed the "friendship". What I really missed was how I felt about myself at the time ( valued, heard, like I mattered to someone etc.). All selfish.

BH asks me periodically how I feel about OM. He feels like I should have hatred for him. My feelings have evolved over time and maybe someday I will, but for now, I don't feel for him at all. I think he is damaged and not a "friend" at all. Hating requires thought and energy. I don't have enough of either to devote to him.


Me: WW
Him: BH
DD: 7
DS:3
Married: 9.5 Years
1st DDay: 9/17/12 Admitted to EA
2nd DDay: 10/18/12 Admitted to PA with coworker

Posts: 64 | Registered: Nov 2012
Lulu38
♀ Member
Member # 37570
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, February 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Forgivingnow-
Yes, but only as of recently. I had to made the effort to repeat it to myself and let it sink in, and tell myself I need to remember it.

I am horrible with dates though and have to go over them and over them to remember. Short of my own birthday, I have to stop and think about dates. Even kids bdays- DD is Jan 16. In my head I go through "was it 15 or 16?" I will get it mixed up because my bday falls on the 15. But in October. I know it sounds dumb, but has always been a struggle.


Me: WW
Him: BH
DD: 7
DS:3
Married: 9.5 Years
1st DDay: 9/17/12 Admitted to EA
2nd DDay: 10/18/12 Admitted to PA with coworker

Posts: 64 | Registered: Nov 2012
OnAnIsland
♀ Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 12:39 AM, March 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BH asks me periodically how I feel about OM. He feels like I should have hatred for him. My feelings have evolved over time and maybe someday I will, but for now, I don't feel for him at all. I think he is damaged and not a "friend" at all. Hating requires thought and energy. I don't have enough of either to devote to him.

Lulu- that is where you should be I think. Hate involves so much emotion. Apathy or not caring is my goal for WH feelings of ow.

[This message edited by OnAnIsland at 12:39 AM, March 1st (Friday)]


D-day: Christmas 2011 when i saw a text from MarriedOW to WH
D-day 2: 3/28/2013: confessed phone sex over 10 years ago (2000 or 2001) with another OW

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school


Posts: 1429 | Registered: Dec 2011
OnAnIsland
♀ Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 12:50 AM, March 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A question for WHs maybe? My WH has been slowly working on figuring himself out in therapy. Communication is a huge challenge. And I am constantly being presented with his version of our marital history which is so different from mine. I understand that we all write our narratives to make sense of our lives.

But my question lies more in the bedroom. TMI time. HB was great. It lasted until he broke no contact the first time. We have continued to be sexually intimate. Once he got back in therapy (dec/jan), I sensed distance between us. Clearly he has lots of work to do. But I have been enjoying our sexual intimacy, and gradually taking back some of the things that caused mind movies and images due to affair practices. I sensed distance in intimacy and finally got him to talk about it. He doesn't want to be sexually intimate right now. Non sexual touch is fine per him. Now for both of us physical touch is one of our top love languages. And in his marital rewrite, he is telling of years of being turned down sexually. (Meanwhile my recall and reported frequency to IC and according to literature out there, suggests a normal to healthy sexual life for a married couple). Any thoughts on how to handle this? I am respectful of his need for space, and have backed away. My self esteem doesn't need any more battering after the affair. But my needs are not being met. Why is he backing away? Creating distance at every turn?

There is no way that he is seeing the OW. He could be in touch with her again, but his latest breach of NC is what convinced to really get into therapy. He knows the stakes of another breach.


D-day: Christmas 2011 when i saw a text from MarriedOW to WH
D-day 2: 3/28/2013: confessed phone sex over 10 years ago (2000 or 2001) with another OW

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school


Posts: 1429 | Registered: Dec 2011
What2Thnk
Member
Member # 37863
Default  Posted: 1:01 AM, March 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS had affairs with XHSGF's, and from what we've both read (he probably found it a good excuse for his behavior until the 3rd EA with a total stranger) the emotions that the AP's feel in that situation are very, very intense. He claims now to feel nothing, but I have a hard time believing that. Can any WS who had an affair with an XHSGF/BF tell me how long it took for those feelings to fade, if they ever did, and what it was like to choose the BS over that old flame? I have a terrible fear that those feelings are just waiting to flare up again if NC is broken.


Me (BS) 42
Him (WS) 43
DD #1 7/19/10 2 year LTA EA/PA w/MOW - HSXGF#1
DD #2 6/6/12 4 mo EA (PA?) w/HSXGF#2
DD #3 12/15/12 3 week EA with random stranger
A whole crapload of gaslighting, minimizing, blameshifting, rugsweeping and TT.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Dec 2012
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, March 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The date of his dday 09/10/12-09/11/12 when I gave full disclosure, the date of my dday 01/29/13. Wish I could forget them both.

[This message edited by Unagie at 6:23 PM, March 2nd (Saturday)]


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2395 | Registered: Oct 2012
nlovemyfamily
♀ Member
Member # 15258
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, March 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Still curious what FWS realize what they would given up if they left the marriage and family for AP? Can any courageous FWS answer or list all they would have given up?

Posts: 415 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: nj
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, March 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would have given up a lifetime of history with a good man, the respect of my children, unconditional love, being with someone who can reassure me and make me feel safe and loved with just a look, shared long running jokes, songs that have a connection to every important stage in our lives, extended family who have known me since I was a young girl, everything connected to anything good in my life.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 34792 | Registered: Sep 2007
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, March 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What I would have given up:

- lazy days in bed where we would talk about nothing and everything.

- times where he would record me being silly for no reason and then immediately watch it with this goofy smile on his face.

- butterflies in my stomach when he'd meet up with me and I'd see him walking towards me even 10 years later.

- cuddling and watching dumb shows only we like and falling asleep on him halfway through.

- a man that has seen every part of me good and bad and was able to love all of it.

- the only person I have ever let fully in.

-the only person I have ever fully trusted with the real me.

- an amazing man despite his own bad choices that I adore.

- my white picket fence ending that I still believe will be amazing once we're good again. Call me an optimist but I still believe in the fairytale.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2395 | Registered: Oct 2012
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, March 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nlove, I've noticed you've asked the same question in many different ways at least 7 times on this current thread. Many WS's have answered you but you still seem to want more.

Your spouse is the one that matters. He left. It's shitty. I'm sorry you're hurting. Just don't know how this can help.

My answer? I wouldn't have given up anything by leaving my ex. In fact, I would have given anything to have done that instead of the fucked choices I did make. I'm working through that now.

I hope you find peace.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
nlovemyfamily
♀ Member
Member # 15258
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, March 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

uncertainone,
As someone who was happily M for 31 yrs, I have needed this forum as a vent for some of my unanswered questions. I only pose these questions to understand the mind of FWS who go thru the self discovery, to understand what matters to them most in life. I am sorry you are bothered by my questions. They are just my way of venting frustration. You see you only see what I have written but you have no knowledge of the whole story behind our family relationship. I feel upset that I need to explain my need for understanding, even if it seems redundant. In my own way it is comforting to hear of FWS who have broken thru the selfishness and made better their lives and the lives of their families.

Posts: 415 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: nj
CheshCat
♀ Member
Member # 27546
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, March 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My self esteem doesn't need any more battering after the affair. But my needs are not being met. Why is he backing away? Creating distance at every turn?

I suggest you ask him in therapy.

____________

Likely reasons aside from cheating?

- Testing himself (if I don't have sex, will I cheat?)

- Testing you (will she cheat?)

- Tired (tiredness/ sleep dep is the #1 libido killer)

- Depressed (#2)

- Antidepressants (#3)

- Medical condition


"Another conversation killed awkwardly! Yes! Point to my side." - Chesh's Brother

Moi : BS MH 30mumble
Him : WS Abuse Adultery Addict Six-figure Sociopath = Aaass
... I picked a winner!
DDay - 2006 ad naseam
Divorced! 2013


Posts: 571 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: West Coast US
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, March 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nlove, I understand, but the waywards here are not your spiritual scratching posts. Your questions arent just searching for answers. Often the words you post along with them are thinly veiled slights and slings.

You can see waywards working through their shit and get some great ideas of their commitment every day in wayward. It's honestly insulting to question people that bare their soul for an honest desire to help answer questions not just for someone to let off steam.

Seriously? Unbelievable.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, March 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why is he backing away? Creating distance at every turn?

Sounds like he's detached. When he was involved with the OW you got the endorphin enhanced byproduct.

Now, he's either mourning/withdrawing or he was done and the OW was a shit coping mechanism.

Pull back and focus on your healing. If he is still mentally engaged in the affair he isn't present in the marriage.

He should be driving this process, even if he is struggling through parts himself. It's not your job to steer it or carry his water.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
movingforward13
♀ Member
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, March 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just served my WP today for child support- he knew it was coming but I don't think he understood that I was serious. He texted me a sarcastic remark "I got served so now you can stop worrying." He sounds angry lol.
My question is, when your BS served you with either child support or divorce papers, what were your feelings? Besides the immediate anger, were you indifferent, worried, sad, ashamed? Did the serving help lift your fog or did you accept the consequence?


Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 607 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Northeast US
sailorgirl
♀ Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, March 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Background:
My WH read "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" and it has been his bible for the first seven weeks post d-day. We talked at least 2 hours a day about the A. He listened, answered, stayed with me while I cried and raged, and sometimes broke down himself.

We are both in IC and MC. He is a survivor of physical and emotional child abuse from both parents.

Since d-day, we have had a lot of time to enjoy each other's company, HB and being with our kids.

WH recently stopped using his faulty coping mechanisms (denial, compartmentalization, disassociation). Now, when I bring up the A, he starts hurting so bad he doesn't seem to be able to handle it. He gets sick to his stomach, shaky, scared and just wants to go to bed. I'm not angry when I bring it up (I don't get angry unless he gets defensive and minimizes). I'm just baffled and frustrated and hurt.

Questions:
Does this mean we need to take a break from A discussion? I am having better days and could put this on hold and still function.
He says he feels self-loathing (and sometimes tries to project that unto me although I do not loath him in any way). How do WS's deal with self hatred?
Is it ok for me to comfort and reassure him, or would that be risking codependence? He has to learn to comfort himself, right?
Would it be better if I just be his loving wife for awhile? He says he's hurting all the time, but seems overwhelmed by it and not able to express the reasons beyond that he did such a horrible thing and it makes him sick etc.

Thanks for any guidance you can give,
sailorgirl


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
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