I have read my WH's skype logs with MOW. Many times he told her that he was lying in bed with me thinking of her and what he would do to her or wishing it was her and not me.
I have repeatedly asked him if he really was lying in bed with me and imagining himself with her. He now claims he just made that stuff up to please MOW. However he is not a terribly creative individual and I think he meant what he said when he said it to her. I can't imagine him being able to pull those kind of lines out of thin air that complimented her while at the same time belittled me to her.
Other times, after WH and I would have sex he would get up and then go skype her and describe what he wanted to do with her and it would be exactly what we had just done IRL (there were some unique and detailed interludes).
Did you as WS's imagine your BS to be your AP while you were having sex? Did you ever use what you had done with your BS as the basis of a fantasy conversation with your AP? Do you think it is more likely he was lying to MOW or that he is lying to me now?
Thank you so much.
I can't answer your question as it was not my case, however I just wanted you to know you've been heard and hopefully someone who has BTDT will have an answer. Also, just wanted to add that if my AP was in a relationship I wouldn't have been involved with him because I couldn't do that to his partner, just mine... gosh I hope that made sense!
He very well could have been thinking of her and lying to you so not to hurt your feelings *in his reasoning*. I didn't fantasize about AP during times with my H, I just would block him out due to guilt and my sex life with my H at the times was barely there due to me turning my H down constantly. Only your H can give you the truth as ultimately I wasn't doing the same exact stuff he was and I don't know the way he thinks. Sorry if I wasnt much help.
I only thought my BH as *week* for the the first few weeks after d-day as I was still TTing, seeing the AP and lying. I thought my H wasn't wanting to *fight* for me or that it wasnt a *big deal* to him. He was in shock and I was being a toal selfish d*$k head. My view very rapidly changed when I saw the hurt in his soul when we were moving. His decision to stay, the crap he went thru, how he managed to put up with my parents and everything else going on at the time. It unfortunately took me a while to wake up but once I did the last thing I saw him as was week. Apparently I really viewed myself as week and was projecting that on to him...its hard to give a good description right now as my phone keeps freezing up and I have a little one inquiring as to the readiness of the cookies...lol
WW, after a 2yr A with my xBFF, can't commit to me or our marriage. She is going to IC and we are doing MC. She tells me she loves me. The A was outed by me 9 months ago. Has this happened to any of you and if so what were you thinking?
Thank you to the WS who participate in this forum...as a BS it is very helpful...
if any WS thinks that their BS is weak
You are weak only if you think you are. What you need to do is lay down your boundaries with your newfound knowledge. How much transparency, how much time, everything. You tell him he needs to figure out how to make you feel safe in your M. Don't do his work for him.
Meanwhile, work to make yourself strong (emotionally, financially, etc.) so that you will be fine if you decide the infidelity was really a deal breaker and you want to walk away.
WW, after a 2yr A with my xBFF, can't commit to me or our marriage.
How long can you live with that? What are you getting out of the drama?
On the subject of ďif you cheat I will...Ē and ďsticking to your gunsĒ, yes, we all have those thoughts and ideas, and, for one, I had them too. And this attitude is correct and there should be no other. But what I have seen on this site and in life in general, life complicates itself to the point where people are not capable to find a way out. At the point people are saying this for the first time, there were no children, unpaid mortgages, lives spent staying and home and taking care of the household, unfinished schools, abandoned careers, economic crises and so on. We also think that once the cheating is discovered the cheating spouse will be ugly, insulting person that would straight away pull the rug under BSís feet, take everything away and sail off with the OW, or OM. But, although there are people doing this, in reality, lots of BSís are remorseful, they cry, they hurt and they are trying to do everything to fix what they have done. They are asking for forgiveness. Iím not saying that the reaction of BSís should be any different than ďif you cheat...Ē, but that adjusting to the situation that is different quite a few years down the marriage, requires not only a wisdom but strength too. And circumstances are so different by that time, that, leaving requires wisdom and strength, also. So, whichever decision you make, that decision is made out of strength, but not of weakness.
Although I have read your profile, I donít where are you at the moment with your relationship and how this can apply to you, but I wish you all the luck, regardless
Hey US ....answer to the first question is for as long as I can...then I will be done.
For the second question - a (more) broken heart. I don't like drama. I don't want drama. I want to have a whole and happy life to enjoy with the person I imagined spending the rest of my life with. However I am realising that it may not be in my future. Hence me asking if someone has felt this way before and what were their thoughts...and did their mind change at any point?
Thanks for replying...I appreciate your questions.
Hence me asking if someone has felt this way before and what were their thoughts...and did their mind change at any point?
Well... I believe that people do what they want to do. If it's been 9 months and she cannot commit, then that means she does not want to commit. I could have savored memories of the OM in my head, but I worked to get through the "withdrawal".
My therapist says we do things because we get something from it. She likes remembering the OM.
BS- me -44
Again a big thank you to all the WS who are strong enough to share on thus forum.
[This message edited by brybry75 at 3:18 AM, April 11th (Thursday)]
FWW - Did any of you cheat with a MOM with a pregnant wife? And if so, did it ever cross your mind the damage that would be done to her?
Yes, I cheated with a married man whose wife was pregnant. The potential damage did cross my mind at some point, but I managed to convince myself that 'what she doesn't know won't hurt her', just like I did with regard to my own husband. That has haunted me for quite some time... But you are right, she didn't really figure into the affair at the time, that only came afterwards.
Both had DDays and TT
Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.
Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.
Does the OW lead you to believe that your BS wasn't good enough and that you deserve a better life with her? Does OW get angry if you have anything to do with BS?
I have read a lot of post from WS about how sorry they are and how they are trying to win back the BS but I want to hear from the ones that didn't want to stay with the BS.
WH does things that just do not make sense to me. He had returned my call a few weeks ago because I needed info regarding our house. I let him know he had received some mail and he said he would be in town and ask if he could come over after taking GS to school to get the items & catch up. I agreed & made plans around that. Not only does he not call or show up, he didn't take GS to school. I text him letting him know that I couldn't wait because I had a meeting. He then called saying he was sorry but he needed to get back home before the afternoon to take care of some things so he left earlier than planned. I said he could have called or sent text instead of just not showing up. He then yelled that he was sorry but he had a lot going on.
He then said that he had called several times the week before but I didn't answer so I shouldn't be giving him shit. He asked how my appoinment with the Oncologist went and tells me that I should be communicating more with my son because he is worried about me. He said my son said I dont tell him anything so he doesn't know what is going on. I told him that I tell him everything about my options and what I chose, however it takes time for the Dr's to set everything up so until they tell me when I'm sceduled for surgery, I don't have any additionl info. I had asked him months ago not to let the kids know that we are still talking because it just pisses them off. My kids think I'm stupid for giving him the time of day, his kids are afraid he is going to mess up their gravy train.
He then tells me that he is getting married in June, that he is a better man and he is now being totally honest with OW and our kids about talking to me and that they know he will always be here if needed, however he has not been here when needed. He doesn't take care of things that he should be taking care of. He says that he is not going to repeat the mistakes of his past with her.
Within 30 min of our conversation, he calls my son asking if I had called yelling at him? My son said no, he had not spoken to me. So X proceeds to tell him that he probably got him in trouble for telling me that he was concerned about me not communicating with him.
He yields a double edged sword! He's so nice & caring one minute and then totally uncarin the next. Can any WS help me understand?
He also told OW that
At the risk of speaking for others, yes, they do think about their BSís, yes they do think about their feelings, yes, many have bad feelings about moving on. Some felt they had no other alternative, while some knew the direction they had to go for their own healing and sanity.
Itís going to come down to the type of WS who sticks around on SI. That type of WS is probably not like your WS.
As far as Iím aware, there arenít any WSís here who are still with their APís. Although, there are a few BSís here who were an APÖ All we can do is answer in retrospect. To that end, the AP in my situation did not badmouth my BW, I did. I also badmouthed her BH, but he was the AP back in the day, soÖyeah, not going to head down that road right now.
The AP did not get angry when I mentioned BW. Given where I was at in my head during that time, I kept mention of my BW to a complete minimum. Talking about my BW would have caused an issue for myself in the manner of realizing what I was doing was complete shit.
I didnít want to stay with my BW. Yes, I am very happy I am still with her, but during that time, I did not want to be with my BW at all. Of course my goings-on were way more important than my BWís at that time. She should have known that. It was her job to figure out what I was thinking, where I was going, and what I was going to be doing tomorrow even though I kept communication to a minimum.
Of course, itís your fault that your WH doesnít know whatís going on in your life and he canít get the info from your sonÖwhy are you even having that level of conversation with him?
He is taking care of things as it suits him. Cherry-picking the easy stuff and not dealing with the hard shitÖheís not going to change even though he tells himself he is a better man. Marriage alone does not make a person better if they continue to act like an individual. And the kids will see through it.
It sounds like He is trying to be the nice guy and that he is trying to minimize his own responsibility in things. The problem is, he doesnít know any other way to operate other than to make it all about other peopleís problems.
Thatís my take.
He's so nice & caring one minute and then totally uncarin the next.
I'm confused. In reading your entire description, I did not see where he was caring.
Why do you keep talking to him, even though he always lets you down?
I'd just like to hear the other perspective on this. Thanks.
"lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint, but rather be healed" Heb12v13
"Oh God give me