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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 7
MandoBando
♀ Member
Member # 37308
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, April 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWW - Did any of you cheat with a MOM with a pregnant wife? And if so, did it ever cross your mind the damage that would be done to her? That wasn't meant to come across as nasty as it sounded! I am honestly just curious because I know so often the OBS really doesn't figure into the A.


Me: BS
Him: WS (longroadahead22)
DDay #1: 10/23/12
DDay #2: 11/7/12
DDay #3: 2/9/13
Kids: 2 boys, both under 2
R, trying our best
Baby, you have taught me how to flinch.

Posts: 166 | Registered: Oct 2012
Jospehine85
♀ Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, April 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello WS's, My WH and his AP were only in the same physical location on 3 occasions (all confirmed). The rest of their relationship transpired online.

I have read my WH's skype logs with MOW. Many times he told her that he was lying in bed with me thinking of her and what he would do to her or wishing it was her and not me.

I have repeatedly asked him if he really was lying in bed with me and imagining himself with her. He now claims he just made that stuff up to please MOW. However he is not a terribly creative individual and I think he meant what he said when he said it to her. I can't imagine him being able to pull those kind of lines out of thin air that complimented her while at the same time belittled me to her.

Other times, after WH and I would have sex he would get up and then go skype her and describe what he wanted to do with her and it would be exactly what we had just done IRL (there were some unique and detailed interludes).

Did you as WS's imagine your BS to be your AP while you were having sex? Did you ever use what you had done with your BS as the basis of a fantasy conversation with your AP? Do you think it is more likely he was lying to MOW or that he is lying to me now?

Thank you so much.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 810 | Registered: Jun 2012
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, April 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to know if any WS thinks that their BS is weak by deciding to stay and fight for their marriage? Do you look at them as a doormat after that and think, well I did it once and they forgave me. Maybe, I can do it again. I just fear that by staying I am lowering my own self-value and morals. I really believe my fWH loves me and is remorseful, but I am so scared that by staying- I am now seen as weaker and not strong by sticking to my former guns of "If you ever cheat on me, I will leave you."


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
The day he stopped talking about her and focused on REAL R. 10-4-12
BF 20yrs
Together since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
This is the exact moment when you can give him what he doesn't deserve-mercy and grace.

Posts: 676 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA-Ebensburg
stilllovinghim
♀ Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, April 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mando-

I can't answer your question as it was not my case, however I just wanted you to know you've been heard and hopefully someone who has BTDT will have an answer. Also, just wanted to add that if my AP was in a relationship I wouldn't have been involved with him because I couldn't do that to his partner, just mine... gosh I hope that made sense!


Josephine
He very well could have been thinking of her and lying to you so not to hurt your feelings *in his reasoning*. I didn't fantasize about AP during times with my H, I just would block him out due to guilt and my sex life with my H at the times was barely there due to me turning my H down constantly. Only your H can give you the truth as ultimately I wasn't doing the same exact stuff he was and I don't know the way he thinks. Sorry if I wasnt much help.

Hopeful-
I only thought my BH as *week* for the the first few weeks after d-day as I was still TTing, seeing the AP and lying. I thought my H wasn't wanting to *fight* for me or that it wasnt a *big deal* to him. He was in shock and I was being a toal selfish d*$k head. My view very rapidly changed when I saw the hurt in his soul when we were moving. His decision to stay, the crap he went thru, how he managed to put up with my parents and everything else going on at the time. It unfortunately took me a while to wake up but once I did the last thing I saw him as was week. Apparently I really viewed myself as week and was projecting that on to him...its hard to give a good description right now as my phone keeps freezing up and I have a little one inquiring as to the readiness of the cookies...lol


ďYou have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.Ē
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1933 | Registered: Oct 2010
brybry75
♂ New Member
Member # 36686
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, April 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All,

WW, after a 2yr A with my xBFF, can't commit to me or our marriage. She is going to IC and we are doing MC. She tells me she loves me. The A was outed by me 9 months ago. Has this happened to any of you and if so what were you thinking?

Thank you to the WS who participate in this forum...as a BS it is very helpful...


Posts: 40 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Australia
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 11:45 PM, April 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

if any WS thinks that their BS is weak

You are weak only if you think you are. What you need to do is lay down your boundaries with your newfound knowledge. How much transparency, how much time, everything. You tell him he needs to figure out how to make you feel safe in your M. Don't do his work for him.

Meanwhile, work to make yourself strong (emotionally, financially, etc.) so that you will be fine if you decide the infidelity was really a deal breaker and you want to walk away.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 11:47 PM, April 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WW, after a 2yr A with my xBFF, can't commit to me or our marriage.

How long can you live with that? What are you getting out of the drama?


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
disgracetoh.race
♂ Member
Member # 33491
Default  Posted: 2:29 AM, April 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Hopefulmother,
It is quite the opposite. After everything has been said and done, my wife decided to stay with me until our son finishes the high school.
She has decided this before all the TT, numerous Ddays, and lotís of hurtful things Iíve done and said in the days to come. Although we are not sure that our son was better off in the situation like this, she has estimated that she will not be able to raise him without me, and regardless what type of person I was, it would still be better for him to have his father in the house. She knew she would have to look at me every day, go to bed with me every night and live the lie in front of all our friends and relatives. If I wasnít TT and if I came to my senses earlier, she would have probably given me a chance to R, too. If that is not strong, I donít know what is. I never considered my wife to be that strong, I was always the strong, masculine face, the unforgiving one, the mister right or wrong. But, for this I admire her. I would have thrown myself out of the house so many times when she just went away and cried. If the roles were reversed, I would probably be the one to run away. But, she did not. She has decided not to stay with me after his school is finished, and although I thought I ďdeserveĒ another chance, and things might get better and so on, I learned to trust her on her decisions, since I realized that she is the strong one, and although, deeply hurt and completely destroyed, she is still capable of making the choice that would prove better for everybody else but her. Again, this is not sign of the weakness but immense strength that I donít have.

On the subject of ďif you cheat I will...Ē and ďsticking to your gunsĒ, yes, we all have those thoughts and ideas, and, for one, I had them too. And this attitude is correct and there should be no other. But what I have seen on this site and in life in general, life complicates itself to the point where people are not capable to find a way out. At the point people are saying this for the first time, there were no children, unpaid mortgages, lives spent staying and home and taking care of the household, unfinished schools, abandoned careers, economic crises and so on. We also think that once the cheating is discovered the cheating spouse will be ugly, insulting person that would straight away pull the rug under BSís feet, take everything away and sail off with the OW, or OM. But, although there are people doing this, in reality, lots of BSís are remorseful, they cry, they hurt and they are trying to do everything to fix what they have done. They are asking for forgiveness. Iím not saying that the reaction of BSís should be any different than ďif you cheat...Ē, but that adjusting to the situation that is different quite a few years down the marriage, requires not only a wisdom but strength too. And circumstances are so different by that time, that, leaving requires wisdom and strength, also. So, whichever decision you make, that decision is made out of strength, but not of weakness.

Although I have read your profile, I donít where are you at the moment with your relationship and how this can apply to you, but I wish you all the luck, regardless



WH 50 years
BS 48 years
Married 24 years
Son 16 years
DD 1 - 15.11.10
DD2 - 18.2.11
DD3 - 25.4.11
Desperately trying to hang in tiny space left for me. Sober since DD1, no relapses, not even close.

Posts: 100 | Registered: Sep 2011
brybry75
♂ New Member
Member # 36686
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, April 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How long can you live with that? What are you getting out of the drama?

Hey US ....answer to the first question is for as long as I can...then I will be done.

For the second question - a (more) broken heart. I don't like drama. I don't want drama. I want to have a whole and happy life to enjoy with the person I imagined spending the rest of my life with. However I am realising that it may not be in my future. Hence me asking if someone has felt this way before and what were their thoughts...and did their mind change at any point?

Thanks for replying...I appreciate your questions.


Posts: 40 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Australia
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, April 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hence me asking if someone has felt this way before and what were their thoughts...and did their mind change at any point?

Well... I believe that people do what they want to do. If it's been 9 months and she cannot commit, then that means she does not want to commit. I could have savored memories of the OM in my head, but I worked to get through the "withdrawal".

My therapist says we do things because we get something from it. She likes remembering the OM.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
Jospehine85
♀ Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, April 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your response Stilllovinghim


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 810 | Registered: Jun 2012
NotsureIcan
♀ Member
Member # 38113
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, April 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Disgracetoh,
Thank you so much for that post on April 2nd about the fog of a WS. Your story about yourself sounds so much like my husband. It helped me more than anything I've read so far and we are 5 months out from d-day. Thank you a million.

BS- me -44
WH- 47
D-day 11/06/12
R


Posts: 116 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Florida
brybry75
♂ New Member
Member # 36686
Default  Posted: 3:18 AM, April 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your words and thoughts US...not what I wanted to hear but as I have discovered during this journey the truth can hurt...

Again a big thank you to all the WS who are strong enough to share on thus forum.

[This message edited by brybry75 at 3:18 AM, April 11th (Thursday)]


Posts: 40 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Australia
leftoolate
♀ Member
Member # 22658
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, April 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi MandoBando,

FWW - Did any of you cheat with a MOM with a pregnant wife? And if so, did it ever cross your mind the damage that would be done to her?

Yes, I cheated with a married man whose wife was pregnant. The potential damage did cross my mind at some point, but I managed to convince myself that 'what she doesn't know won't hurt her', just like I did with regard to my own husband. That has haunted me for quite some time... But you are right, she didn't really figure into the affair at the time, that only came afterwards.

~L.


If you came this far, you're looking for something. - Jrazz

Posts: 811 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Europe
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 6:51 AM, April 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a few days late to this but hopeful I just wanted to answer your question. No I never thought he was weak. I was so thankful he still wanted me I cried from joy. Everyday I wonder how he could have such a capacity for forgiveness. He was never weak...I was.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2378 | Registered: Oct 2012
rcantbleveit
♀ Member
Member # 30476
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, April 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For those WH that have moved on with OW or just moved on.... Do you ever think about your BS? Do you think about their feelings? Do you feel bad about moving on or justified?

Does the OW lead you to believe that your BS wasn't good enough and that you deserve a better life with her? Does OW get angry if you have anything to do with BS?

I have read a lot of post from WS about how sorry they are and how they are trying to win back the BS but I want to hear from the ones that didn't want to stay with the BS.

WH does things that just do not make sense to me. He had returned my call a few weeks ago because I needed info regarding our house. I let him know he had received some mail and he said he would be in town and ask if he could come over after taking GS to school to get the items & catch up. I agreed & made plans around that. Not only does he not call or show up, he didn't take GS to school. I text him letting him know that I couldn't wait because I had a meeting. He then called saying he was sorry but he needed to get back home before the afternoon to take care of some things so he left earlier than planned. I said he could have called or sent text instead of just not showing up. He then yelled that he was sorry but he had a lot going on.

He then said that he had called several times the week before but I didn't answer so I shouldn't be giving him shit. He asked how my appoinment with the Oncologist went and tells me that I should be communicating more with my son because he is worried about me. He said my son said I dont tell him anything so he doesn't know what is going on. I told him that I tell him everything about my options and what I chose, however it takes time for the Dr's to set everything up so until they tell me when I'm sceduled for surgery, I don't have any additionl info. I had asked him months ago not to let the kids know that we are still talking because it just pisses them off. My kids think I'm stupid for giving him the time of day, his kids are afraid he is going to mess up their gravy train.

He then tells me that he is getting married in June, that he is a better man and he is now being totally honest with OW and our kids about talking to me and that they know he will always be here if needed, however he has not been here when needed. He doesn't take care of things that he should be taking care of. He says that he is not going to repeat the mistakes of his past with her.

Within 30 min of our conversation, he calls my son asking if I had called yelling at him? My son said no, he had not spoken to me. So X proceeds to tell him that he probably got him in trouble for telling me that he was concerned about me not communicating with him.

He yields a double edged sword! He's so nice & caring one minute and then totally uncarin the next. Can any WS help me understand?

He also told OW that


Posts: 226 | Registered: Dec 2010
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, April 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rcant,

At the risk of speaking for others, yes, they do think about their BSís, yes they do think about their feelings, yes, many have bad feelings about moving on. Some felt they had no other alternative, while some knew the direction they had to go for their own healing and sanity.

Itís going to come down to the type of WS who sticks around on SI. That type of WS is probably not like your WS.

As far as Iím aware, there arenít any WSís here who are still with their APís. Although, there are a few BSís here who were an APÖ All we can do is answer in retrospect. To that end, the AP in my situation did not badmouth my BW, I did. I also badmouthed her BH, but he was the AP back in the day, soÖyeah, not going to head down that road right now.

The AP did not get angry when I mentioned BW. Given where I was at in my head during that time, I kept mention of my BW to a complete minimum. Talking about my BW would have caused an issue for myself in the manner of realizing what I was doing was complete shit.

I didnít want to stay with my BW. Yes, I am very happy I am still with her, but during that time, I did not want to be with my BW at all. Of course my goings-on were way more important than my BWís at that time. She should have known that. It was her job to figure out what I was thinking, where I was going, and what I was going to be doing tomorrow even though I kept communication to a minimum.
Of course, itís your fault that your WH doesnít know whatís going on in your life and he canít get the info from your sonÖwhy are you even having that level of conversation with him?
He is taking care of things as it suits him. Cherry-picking the easy stuff and not dealing with the hard shitÖheís not going to change even though he tells himself he is a better man. Marriage alone does not make a person better if they continue to act like an individual. And the kids will see through it.
It sounds like He is trying to be the nice guy and that he is trying to minimize his own responsibility in things. The problem is, he doesnít know any other way to operate other than to make it all about other peopleís problems.

Thatís my take.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6047 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, April 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

rcant -

He's so nice & caring one minute and then totally uncarin the next.

I'm confused. In reading your entire description, I did not see where he was caring.

Why do you keep talking to him, even though he always lets you down?


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, April 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Ok here is a question for WS's
I suspect my wife of being a serial cheater. As I think back in the past I can now see some red flags I didn't think anything of until I discovered her A. Random mentioning of a guys name. A guy at work. A past controversy about a troubling email from a guy etc. I won't go further into details about it. Her affair recently seemed blatant and careless. Like someone who got used to deceiving me and getting away with it.
When you were discovered did you confess to all affairs or just stick to the one that was discovered?
How many did you have if you don't mind me asking?
Did you get to complacent on your last one?
Would you ever tell or answer honestly if questioned?
If you answered honestly why did you decide to?
Thank you!


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
Fidelia
♀ Member
Member # 38345
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, I often see that BS say their WS rewrote their relationship history and also exaggerated their BS faults to justify their A. I feel this happened to me too. But do the WS agree? If so, how far do you agree and when did you start realising this?

I'd just like to hear the other perspective on this. Thanks.


Me: BW 36
Him: WH 36 (randomusername)

"lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint, but rather be healed" Heb12v13

"Oh God give me


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