Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: amanda123 (43207)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 7
nlovemyfamily
♀ Member
Member # 15258
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, September 23rd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your reply BBFF;
could anyone speak about when this compartment in compartmentalizing your family and the AP and any other issues you put in the compartment so as not to deal with it, has to bust open and what are the ramifications of this actively dealing with what you have had under lock and key in that compartment for so long becomes foremost in your minds???

Posts: 415 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: nj
badchoice
♂ Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, September 23rd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nlovemyfamily;

I think I understand your question.

Once I started to tear down the walls of compartmentalization, a lot of emotions started coming up. Not just about what I did to my BW, but also further in my past, all the way back to my childhood. I realized how I used those survival skills throughout my life. What I also saw was how pervasive my compartmentalization was in almost every aspect of my life.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated


Posts: 598 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
tya34
♀ New Member
Member # 36621
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, September 23rd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trying to reconcile- still hurt and the talking has ceased, he has said he has told me everything- Get this(they stayed in a hotel room on 2 separate occasions (1 night, then 3 nights-3rd night was his dday by phone call) He says "Only had sex 2 times total" "had to think about you during sex" ok does he think I'm an idiot? Hurting from all the lies..even though he states all this is the truth..over and over.
My question is- how do you get them to be totally honest, and if they are not do they really want to reconcile?
Also, in our M we have had a really hot sex life- even during affair- so I feel like he even cheated on her with me. Why do you want sex with w if you are so into the affair? BUT--now he is having some ""issues"" what is that about???? He still into her?

[This message edited by tya34 at 7:38 PM, September 23rd (Sunday)]


Dday 4/30/12
NC 5/16/12
R-(Me- trying to get over pain-him trying to avoid communication and sweep under rug)
16 years together!
Me- 42
WH- 42
son- 12
daughter-10
At the bottom of list:OW-44 fake boob "Florida Whore" as on family guy!

Posts: 23 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Indiana
shoulders
♀ New Member
Member # 35508
What?  Posted: 7:51 AM, September 24th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really need a WS perspective on this.

Dday was 10 months ago, followed by few months of TT. During this time WS was diagnosed with a mental disorder. I've felt he's being honest even though I've had tons of "I don't remember". I've made allowances. BIG mistake.

Anyway I have been trying for months to get WH to read SI and just be a lot more proactive in our healing together as a couple.
I know now that he's been lying. He's been making out he's been visiting SI and reading stuff to help our recovery. As a BS I made it clear lying of any sort is not acceptable. I feel like I've been made a fool out of yet again. I haven't raised the subject as I'm unsure how to with out him getting on to the fact how I know. Why would a WS do this, when you see the hurt lying and betrayal causes?


Posts: 25 | Registered: May 2012
Undefinabl3
♀ Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, September 24th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dont want to defend him in anyway, just my POV..

I as a WS remember everything i DID, but i had (and still have) a hard time remember WHEN i did them (what month, day, ect).

I could tell you that it was cold, but other then that, i dont remember what month, weekend, ect. I honestly do not know why, and i have really tried to figure it out. For me felt like a huge void of information, so i can only imagine how a BS feels.

And my suggestion on the lying part - You need to create consequences and stick to them. I realize leaving is what you might want to tell him you will do, but i would suggest something less final - more enforceable.

I cant tell you what those could be, you are the only one that knows what would work or not.

Hugs!


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
~Some days are better then others~

Posts: 1613 | Registered: Sep 2012
shoulders
♀ New Member
Member # 35508
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, September 24th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the reply Undefinabl3

I have set out to him that we can not recover with lies still in the mix. I have set out before that I will stay and try and work things out with hime if he sticks to certain things, i.e no lying, no inappropriate contact with other woman ..blah blah

Any suggestings on what to do when all the these things seem to be ignored ?


Posts: 25 | Registered: May 2012
nvr flt sch pain
♀ Member
Member # 31540
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, September 24th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Q1 - Just wondering if anyone can help me explain why wh still lies about things which happened a while ago when I ask even though I know the truth (through some dirty digging)? There have been no consequences other than upsetting me and some ensuing arguments, I'm still here, I'm still supporting him so I don't get why he can't just tell me the truth? If I ask questions he gets angry and lies. Why? Does this mean he is still in the a? I am monitoring and see no obvious signs but his behaviour is causing me to question what we have rebuilt. In some things I see a real effort from him but in others he is so far off the mark I don't get why we are even bothering with this (like lack of NC for instance!)!

I'm not sure I 'believe' in the fog as an excuse for this behaviour but I understand that there may be a period of time where things are confused for the WP and they are not truly seeing things for what they really are. In my interpretation of the fog, it's that the life they had with the AP may have seemed perfect (as it was for us in the beginning) but that if they lived their lives together with the pressures of everyday life, mortgages, debts etc, this would very soon tarnish and be no better than what they had before. The butterflies would fade and it would be no more than the seedy situation the WP sees from the start so I guess Q2 is what does the WP think during the affair, how do they justify their actions during and post it?

Footnote - We are not in r as there is no NC and I realise it will not get better until I am in a position to enforce this but I feel if he can't even tell me the truth about the things that happened in the past,how he felt, why this happened etc then what chance have we got that he'll go NC, be honest with me about what's going on now and help us heal this situation????


BW-2gether 13 years, wed 09/09.
Dd1 OW1 6/7/2012 - 9 mnths pa/ea. Dd2 OW1 13/8/2010. Dd3 OW1 10/10, ons and ongoing ea.
Dd4 05/11 OW2 - EA/poss PA, plus other poss ONSs,other dodgy txts.
Dd5 03/12 date sites, sex chats & porn!
01/2013 - porno se

Posts: 663 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: united kingdom
copingdaily
♀ Member
Member # 34713
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, September 25th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Help, 14 mos into R, Last 3 wks I seem to bvbe back to square one and WH tells me that I am driving him crazy, he even looks unhappy and distant. I am very needy lately and insecure, he dosent get it. Could I drive him away?


Treat others as you want to be treated

Posts: 292 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Texas
crossroads2010
♀ Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 5:30 AM, September 26th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How does a WS come to feel true remorse? I think my WH feels bad b/c he hurt me and did something that was not "right" but he views it as a mistake ...he regrets that he did this and wishes he did not, but feels like it is in the past and dismisses the fact that this time of year ...his A time three years ago...is a difficult time for me with many triggers. I recently ask him about a suspicion I had concerning his travel plans and his response was that he didn't deserve that...shouldn't have to prove anything. Yet at the same time he says he doesn't want me to keep it bottled up until I break down. I just wondered does remorse ever come years after and what spurs it in people...what epiphany made you all really see the light?

Posts: 509 | Registered: Nov 2010
nlovemyfamily
♀ Member
Member # 15258
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, September 26th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted to ask a similar question about remorse. What is the best living definition of remorse from a fws viewpoint? Why are so many WS unable to show this to the family they loved for 31 years? Would love to hear about any epiphany or light bulb moment where true remorse sets in!

[This message edited by nlovemyfamily at 9:56 AM, September 26th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 415 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: nj
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, September 26th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

crossroads2010

what epiphany made you all really see the light?

Thing 1 for me was the divorce. Knowing that I was going to be divorced, that I was going to lose my XH and his family and our friends and our whole life together.

Thing 2 was his display of emotion over my cheating. XH is kind of an emotional cripple, so to actually SEE from him how badly I hurt him (something I'd never seen before, as I was used to him keeping all negative emotion bottled up) showed me that I really really f'ed up and what a shit I had been.

(Thing 1 was before Thing 2 because XH decided he wanted a divorce before he ever expressed any feelings about it.)


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce


Posts: 1916 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
Twitchy
♂ Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, September 26th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd really like to hear from WSs on this one.
I need to hear from folks who have broken out of the fog and realized what crazy crap got thrown their was while in fantasy land.

I'm hoping this will be a cleansing opportunity for WSs as well. Take the opportunity to purge yourself of the craziness.

How did these things feel during the A and how do they feel now?


BH(me)-47, FWW-41,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Dies irae. Dies illa solvet saeclum in favilla.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, September 26th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

realized what crazy crap got thrown their was while in fantasy land

Twitchy,

Can you clarify what kind of stuff you mean?


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce


Posts: 1916 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
Twitchy
♂ Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, September 27th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was actually shooting for something like the "Stupid things my WS said" threads.

Anything funny or insightfut, really.


BH(me)-47, FWW-41,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Dies irae. Dies illa solvet saeclum in favilla.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
wwnomore
♀ Member
Member # 31675
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, September 27th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was actually shooting for something like the "Stupid things my WS said" threads.

To be very cliche, and laughable, it was that AP lied to me and kept secrets from me. SHOCKER, I know. Let me explain what I was thinking?

I already knew the score - he was married and fully intended on keeping it that way. I didn't know his BW, never met her, and he almost never mentioned her. This was an A only. And we had rules for that A. Yes, it was carefully structured to avoid DDays.

Yet I nearly imploded when AP took his BW on a weekend getaway, that he tried to tell me was an overseas business trip. The red flags were all over that one, but I didn't let on that I knew. I just went out of my way to make him squirm, and to see exactly how far he'd go to keep it from me. It was quite the elaborate lie, right down to the phone call I got when he supposedly made it back to the US.

In the end, I was more upset at the depth of the deception and lies, than I was that he did what most ordinary M people do! That rattled in my brain for a long time. Why was he hiding it? Why not just say he'd be out of contact for the weekend? Why not just admit he was going on that trip? I was livid.

Months after I had ended the A, when I confessed (not exactly willingly) to my BH, my AP's lie was the reason I gave for ending it.

I am over 18 months removed from the A now. BH and I are happily separated and raising our kids together. I still get sick when I remember my snot-nosed confession and expecting some sympathy from BH over the whole deal. I don't even recognize the WW that I was then.



Posts: 489 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Mid-Atlantic
PanicAttack53
♂ Member
Member # 34195
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, September 27th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all WS's and thanks in advance for your help in this thread.

I have a situation going on that I need some advice on. I just discovered a hand written email draft that WW wrote to OM. The draft basically said she missed him and that since I wasn't tracking her anymore, she wanted more contact. She also stated in the draft that I didn't know about her smart phone. (Note: we just changed services and got new ones, so no, I am not tracking it.) and that I also didn't know about the emails she had already sent to OM from that phone.

Anyway, I confronted WW about this last night and she told me that the draft was something her IC had told her to do to help her understand what she was like back when she was cheating in her LTA. She told me that the IC gave her an assignment (or homework) to do this. The way it's supposed to work according to WW is that she writes the email draft and then writes about how she feels and about how remorseful she is due to what she has done. She then brings all of this to her IC and they talk about it. BTW, I found this info in a journal she left laying around and she was rather indignant about me looking at it, AND she actually said to me "I can't believe you would even think I was in contact with OM since I've been so good the last nine months".

Please note that I am not naive or a complete idoit (at least not as much as before d-day 9 months ago). So I believe this is a complete fabrication by WW and is in fact, just more bullshit to cover up her contact with OM. However, even knowing this in my gut, I want to be open to any possibility that her IC may have actually done this with her.

OK, so here are my questions.

1. Has anyone ever had this happen i.e., had their IC even suggest something like this to them?

2. If yes, did your IC tell you to inform your BS of this before starting so they wouldn't take it the wrong way if they found any of it?

Any help on this would be of great help to me right now.

Thanks in advance.

[This message edited by PanicAttack53 at 4:28 PM, September 27th (Thursday)]


Me-BH Her-XWW | B/ 60 | D final on 10/1/13 I'm Lovin' life again!
Rest of the story really doesn't matter any more.
“Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have.” ― Eckhart Tolle

Posts: 868 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Midwest
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, September 27th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, twitchy, I've got one. When I was actively in the A, I seriously thought that as long as he didn't know about it, he couldn't be hurt. Had I not been caught, I would have ended the A (I actually had a projected end date for the A; it was the date before XH and I were planning to try to conceive ) and I would have never told him. EVER. I actually believed 'what you don't know won't hurt you'

Of course, he found out. And duh, he was hurt. I was a moron.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce


Posts: 1916 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, September 27th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Panic attack,
No my IC has never suggested this. Both ICs I've seen since DDay seem to think there isn't much to be gained from the exercise of wasting headspace on OM and anything about him. What matters is maintaining NC, and understanding and fixing the crap in me that enabled me to "give myself permission"/ make excuses to have a ONS. I also work in IC on recognizing situations and people that are bad for me, and what the appropriate response is. I think I have made a ton of progress there.

Writing "letters" to the OM was never part of the equation for me. I don't really ever journal about him either other than "bleargh! What was I thinking?!?!" It feels to me like if I were really writing/ thinking much about him (much less writing letters that sound like what your WW wrote) then I'd be in dry adultery, even if it were never sent.

That said, wouldn't a hypothetical letter an IC asked a WS to write as an exercise include things like "what we had is so over and it wasn't real..." etc etc akin to a NC letter?


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
PanicAttack53
♂ Member
Member # 34195
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, September 27th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That said, wouldn't a hypothetical letter an IC asked a WS to write as an exercise include things like "what we had is so over and it wasn't real..." etc etc akin to a NC letter?

@NothngElseMattrs,

Exactly my point in not believing a word of this bullshit. I also can't believe that ANY competent IC would encourage a WS to remain in an A, even if it's just writing in a journal!

ETA, Thanks for your reply.

[This message edited by PanicAttack53 at 6:32 PM, September 27th (Thursday)]


Me-BH Her-XWW | B/ 60 | D final on 10/1/13 I'm Lovin' life again!
Rest of the story really doesn't matter any more.
“Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have.” ― Eckhart Tolle

Posts: 868 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Midwest
crossroads2010
♀ Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 5:58 AM, September 28th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you hb 0903...I have often wondered over the past 3 years, what if I had walked into the lawyer's office the next day and filed for divorce...would he have snapped out of it or would have he went running to her for comfort (she would have absolutely taken him in). I guess it is kind of a fight or flight response...I was too paralyzed to really do either at first, so it continued for 6 months or more...but I totally understand your H response...for a person who doesn't confront/show emotion well, running is a reasonable response.

I think I have probably seen as much emotion in him...pain for hurting me as I am going to. At first, even while he was still very foggy,we had a few "moments" sandwiched in with rejection/ repulsion of my emotional outbreaks.
Neither of us are highly emotional people, not much in the way of flowery romantic, mushy stuff in our relationship...just what I thought was 35+ years of a good solid bond...soulmates...deep love.Now I question that ever existed.

our whole life together.

My H realized that if he did not end it with her, our life would be gone (no one else knows about his A...not family, friends, grown kids) and I wonder if everyone knew about his A and all he really stood to lose was ME, would it have mattered.

I don't mean this to sound harsh...I am hearing a truely remorseful person in you. Do you want to reconcile b/c you want your life back or b/c you want your H back...I guess what I mean is if all else were lost...would it still be him you wanted.

When I ask my H if it is our life he wants or me, he says it is all tied in together.


Posts: 509 | Registered: Nov 2010
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.