Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: northeasternarea (43214)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 7
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have another set of questions for FWS (preferably FWW but FWH is OK too), please.

When your fog started to lift did it occur during the affair, immediately after the affair or some time later? I'm particularly interested in hearing from WS who left the BS for the OP and then started to realise that the grass wasn't greener and they missed their life before the affair. Did the lifting come quickly or over a period of weeks? When it lifted, did you dump the OP and approach the BS or did you test the water with the BS before dumping the OP? Did you try to make it work with the OP for fear of being humiliated in front of friends and family and BS?
At any point, did you still harbour resentment to the BS for calling you out on all of your crazy making, marital rewrite and lies which prevented you from seeking reconciliation?

I understand the fog, I think. I just need to understand the thought processes of a WS when it starts to lift.

Thanks in advance


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now pregnant
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 525 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
ms521
♀ Member
Member # 12008
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My fog started to lift during the affair. It's a long story, but I started to see that OM wouldn't be the same fun-loving, spontaneous guy I knew if we were married. I hated that my husband was working crazy hours, but he was working those hours so we could save for a house. OM had no goals, no ambitions, and no plans for our future. OF COURSE he had time to be fun and money to waste!

It took a while for the fog to lift completely and for me to get my head out of my ass. And I'll add that even when I realized fully that OM and I wouldn't ever work (even if we'd met while I was single and we'd dated "legitimately" - we wouldn't have lasted), and I'd broken off our contact almost entirely, I still was foggy in the sense that I wanted my relationship with him to mean something. I thought maybe it was a growing experience I was supposed to have, or that we cosmically crashed into one another for a brief fling because is some past life... blah blah blah. All further justifications for what I knew was wrong. I would say the last little bit of fog was blown away abruptly the day my husband found out about OM (about 8 months after I'd ended it).

I never resented BS, but then he never prevented me from seeking R.

I'm not sure if that's what you're looking for, but I hope it's helpful a little bit.


Madhatters.
Me: FWW (STA 2002), now a BW.
Him: FWH (OW1: 2006-2007), now just WH (OW2: 2010-2013)

I will never stop trying... because when you find 'the one' you never give up. (Cal Weaver)


Posts: 429 | Registered: Sep 2006
What2Thnk
Member
Member # 37863
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After the A was over, did you still compare your BS to the OP? If so, did you find yourself thinking that the BS was somehow lacking something you got from the OP? Did you address this with the BS, and how?


Me (BS) 42
Him (WS) 43
DD #1 7/19/10 2 year LTA EA/PA w/MOW - HSXGF#1
DD #2 6/6/12 4 mo EA (PA?) w/HSXGF#2
DD #3 12/15/12 3 week EA with random stranger
A whole crapload of gaslighting, minimizing, blameshifting, rugsweeping and TT.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Dec 2012
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After the A was over, did you still compare your BS to the OP?

About some things, occasionally.

If so, did you find yourself thinking that the BS was somehow lacking something you got from the OP?

In some ways, yes.

Did you address this with the BS, and how?

No.


But there is also a whole list of comparisons where my XH comes out on top. That's the thing---everyone is different, and no one is perfectly 100% compatible with another.

Would I want to know all the things my XH preferred about my xBFF that he dated after we split? Or any of his previous exes? Nope, not really. That would not be helpful in any way to our relationship. He feels the same about me and mine. (AP was an ex.)

But that's what works for us.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When your fog started to lift did it occur during the affair, immediately after the affair or some time later?

A little bit during the affair, but mostly on & after D-day.

I'm particularly interested in hearing from WS who left the BS for the OP and then started to realise that the grass wasn't greener and they missed their life before the affair.

I didn't leave for the OP but I was going to. I did realize that the grass wouldn't be greener though.

Did the lifting come quickly or over a period of weeks?

Quickly.

When it lifted, did you dump the OP and approach the BS or did you test the water with the BS before dumping the OP?

I dumped the OP and wanted to make it work with XH, but he wanted a D.

Did you try to make it work with the OP for fear of being humiliated in front of friends and family and BS?

No; I felt I'd be humiliated more if I tried to make it work with OP.

At any point, did you still harbour resentment to the BS for calling you out on all of your crazy making, marital rewrite and lies which prevented you from seeking reconciliation?

No. Although I never rewrote marital history or lied about the marriage, and I don't think I engaged in "crazy making"...I never blamed my XH or used the condition of the marriage as an excuse to justify the affair.

I wanted to R, even after the D was filed, up until I found out he had started fucking my xBFF. That prevented me from any further seeking or asking about possible R. It did not, however, prevent me from working on my own shit.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How would we react if the fog was proven to be baloney or was something we had invented?

Actually, I think "the fog" IS baloney.

But that's just my blunt opinion.

I think "the fog" is used as a convenient shorthand term used to describe the state of mind of a WS engaged in or recently removed from an extramarital affair. It's fine if it's used that way; as I said it's conveniently shorthand and catch-all.

But the plain reality is that somehow, for some reason(s), the WS decided to willfully engage in behavior we knew to be immoral, deceitful, and wrong. I am of the school of thought that people cheat because they want to, at its most basic and simplistic. Yes, there are many reasons (some of them shallow, some much deeper) for WHY we wanted to...but IMO, classifying it as "fog" as a way to "explain" it is dangerous.

It's not like a WS (unless severely mentally ill) was taken over by pod-people. We made a deliberate choice---actually many consecutive deliberate choices---to do something immoral, deceitful, and wrong. That to me is contrary to the concept of "I/he/she was/is in "the fog."


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, May 4th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question to WWs:

My WW affaired down with someone who had no car, no money, no ambition, didn't show any emotion towards her outside of physical affection...I mean, my WW literally had to do ALL the work in the A "relationship"....drove everywhere, paid for everything, etc...so I guess the question is this: If your AP was in a similar position, where you REALLY "affaired down" and had to do everything for the AP.....why bother? Didn't it ever seem like more work than it was worth?


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1611 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
wincings_sparkle
♀ Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 11:53 PM, May 4th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FacePunched: I don't know if your WW has any abuse in her past. For me, the "affair down" was about recreating the abuse. The APs resembled the people that abused me and I let them treat me in the same manner. It was a twisted bit of mutual usury. I didn't make the connection during the A or even after D-Day. It was only after several years of therapy that little nugget of wisdom fell out.


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 12:27 AM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wincings, could you elaborate? My fWW reconnected with a guy who started using her as a sex toy when she was 12 or 13. FOO issues almost demanded she look for a male authority figure. Parents didn't care where she was, what she was doing or who she was with ever. After 10 years of M, I STILL haven't heard Mom tell her she loves her. Dad passed within a year of our M.
Anyway, after over 20 years of NC, they reconnect through(You can see it coming) Face Book. All it took for her to dump everything was for him to tell her she was the one who got away .
My question is, why the attraction to the abuser? Hope for a different outcome?


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2070 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
wincings_sparkle
♀ Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 3:51 AM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

5454real: It's twisted. I can't explain for your wife. I can only explain from my own experience. The attraction is: It is what we think we deserve, it feels more authentic to be treated badly than to be treated normal. It felt like what I knew as love and belonging. In a way that I can't explain, I wanted these people to prove better than that. When they didn't, it just reinforced what I thought I already knew.

Learning the difference, learning that they were just as wrong as my original abusers and that I was just as wrong as I abused my husband was one of the hardest truths I have ever had to embrace. I had to learn what mature love meant. I had to learn that love isn't supposed to hurt anyone. I discovered that it was okay to accept what WAL gave so freely. Grace and love are the biggest gifts that husband and wife give each other. It was more difficult to accept that Grace and love then it was to accept the abuse. The different outcome comes from inside of ourselves, not from any reenactment that we may devise.

Beauty from Ashes by Joyce Meyer helped a lot with my recovery.

Hope that helps.


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wincings_sparkle-

My wife was sexually abused as a young girl. A great uncle of hers touched her when she was about 4 years old, and then a friend of hers raped her once she passed out drunk when she was like 21.

That being said, I don't know that her AP was abusive in the general sense of the word. He was definitely a user, though. One of the most unnerving aspects about the whole situation is that OM, being a long-time friend, is one of the laziest and most emotionally unavailable people I know....if my wife would have simply stopped calling and/or texting him, he would have given up the ghost....the fact that she was chasing him, and he never showed any emotional investment other than just saying "Yes" to her offers to hang out bugs the hell out of me. Thanks.

ETA: Because I'm my own worst grammar and/or spelling police.

[This message edited by FacePunched at 8:12 AM, May 5th (Sunday)]


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1611 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you. It does make a twisted kind of sense.


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2070 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
nlovemyfamily
♀ Member
Member # 15258
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

would love to hear opinions from FWS about this theory? Where would you agree or disagree? This was found posted from somewhere discussing MLC
"14 Signs That Show if a Midlife Crisis is Destroying your Marriage/Life

A midlife crisis can affect both men and women. And it's effects can be pretty devastating for their spouses because they end up bearing the brunt of it.

The unfortunate thing is that those going through a midlife crisis will vehemently deny that it's what's happening to them. Or, on the other hand, they will laugh you off for even suggesting it.

From experience, observation, and studying the subject, I've found at that they seem to all sing from the same song sheet. Someone suggested that it's like a midlife crisis alien virus takes over their system. Some of the likely symptoms are presented below:

Midlife Crisis Sign #1

First things first, what’s in your mind? Are any of the following thoughts (or something close to) swirling around in your mind, or have you actually said them to your spouse?

I’m not in love with you anymore
I still love you (like a friend), but I’m not in love with you
I never knew anything besides life with you
I have changed

Midlife Crisis Sign #2

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s go on to the next point. Think about your whole relationship from beginning to this (impending) end: it’s been nothing but frustration hasn’t it? You can’t seem to have any fond memories of your spouse at this time. Even when they did something good, it was just to manipulate you or make you feel bad.
When you think back, all the problems that you’re having now and ever had in your marriage has been because of your spouse. They always made you do what they wanted; you never got to do what you wanted.

Midlife Crisis Sign #3

You’re ready for the next one. Be honest now. Do you really care about how they’re feeling right now or what they want? You just want to separate yourself from all of this “madness”. The crying, the nagging, bullying and the constant questions from your spouse is getting you down. So you feel you need to withdraw emotionally, don’t you? I mean they are their own worst enemy cant they see how happy you are without them?

Midlife Crisis Sign #4

You think that there are some things you always wanted but never got round to getting. You’re not going to wait any more until you can get what you want so of you go and get it. You deserve to do what you want to do NOW – so forget her she doesn’t matter.

Midlife Crisis Sign #5

You begin to wonder what life would have been like with another person. One that put you first – you married a Alpha women and you reckon that if you had been available, all those other women would have wanted you. and think you are amazing and the other women will never criticize you as she does – she is pain in the ass.

So you’re beginning to think about testing out your theory. She won’t be able to survive/live without you but hey you can live without her - and you know your more important than she is and you guessed right., there are loads of people out there who love and want you – think your marvelous.! They laugh at your jokes and think you’re interesting. They actually think that you’re pretty great. They ‘look up’ to you – and someone come along who really listens to you and thinks what you do and say is so clever - you’re her mentor! Oh yes!! Oh such a lie – no one with any sense of self worth makes another person feel like they are amazing – if you can’t do this yourself then stop and look hard at you! learn to love yourself don’t be so needy and pathetic!

Midlife Crisis Sign #6

If you’ve already put your theory to test about members of the opposite sex finding you attractive, you may already have engaged or be engaging in an emotional or physical affair. Good Luck because they won’t match up the LBS (left behind spouse)

You have already in the past tried to ‘control’ your spouse by receiving telephone calls/texts from “some person” you feel that urge to lie to your spouse about – so she is put in her place. You’re the important one aren’t you?

You don’t know why your spouse has to ask you questions like “who was that?”, “why are you being secretive”, etc. When you think about it, what makes your spouse think that you need to answer questions like, “where have you been?” “Who were you with?” , etc.

Anyway, you hate their underhanded sneaking around trying to find about your business. Even if they do produce proof like an inappropriate email or text message on your phone, how dare they invade your privacy? Anyway, you’re going to hold out NOT admitting to the relationship or affair if you can get away with it. If caught out just continue to lie and lie or admit and say she is the love of your life, that will hurt the LBS and get her off your back!

Midlife Crisis Sign #7

You’re not really sure if you want your spouse to go on with life without you. Why should they go on to have a happy and fulfilled life when you feel so frustrated with your life? So sometimes you’re affectionate, not too often because you don’t want to raise their hopes too high. One minute you say that you just can’t live with them, the next, you’re getting them to be loving or make love to/with you. Or, you move out, but come back to check your mail and see the children, or leave your mail still to arrive at home, you have the best of both worlds – wife in the palm of your hands – just fantastic and an Other Women who makes you feel like a king….only problem is…sorry to say…. It’s all in your head the OW maybe a nice women but she is and never will be your wife who is something very special and you are on the way to losing her for good! Clever man, such a star! Just remember when you have the OW as your partner/wife what will you then feel like..wound up in $hits ville I’m telling you – I know I have been there and it is not good – lost my wife, kids, respect and love….took me years to build it back but I was lucky I realized or hit rock bottom and my wife forgave me …..learn from me idiot!!

Midlife Crisis Sign #8

You really don’t want to deal with anything right now, do you? Why does your spouse want to bring you down talking about “issues” or “responsibilities”? You just want to feel good. Why does everyone keep asking to try to be reasonable? Maybe the solution is to avoid all these discussions and people. Why should you do anything that you don’t feel like doing? Just run away from all these disturbances. If not, maybe it’s nonstop running/cycling (what a body - superb shape!) or a new motorbike, or going partying, cool concerts for younger guys or clubbing or join Greenpeace and become soooooo cool or try alcohol and drugs – get attention, make yourself noticed and you will feel marvelous!!. Why not, you’ve been so responsible for so long and life is too short. If none of these work, you can simply ignore all of them and do something else to challenge you. You are happy remember?

Midlife Crisis Sign #9

You spouse wants to go to counseling – some chance its “just to make them feel better” so you say NO!. Anyway, you’re the real victim here. You won’t even try. Your spouse is nagging so you shout at her and say she is the one that needs help she is a horrible person.
Really be honest ..oops that is a step too far isn’t it?

Midlife Crisis Sign #10

You’ve known your spouse for so long that you know what makes them happy or upset. So from time to time you practice doing both. But in most cases, you want to prove how awful they’re making life for you by getting them upset so that they can retaliate with something equally mean or hurtful. So you drop subtle hints about selling your home, taking custody of the children; or you make derogatory remarks about their habits, appearance, family members, their behavior, the list goes on. It's called pushing their buttons and your time with them gives you a lot of ammunition. Anyway, why not, they pushed you to it. ?? No mate you pushed yourself here – look at why your behaving like a cartoon character and destroying yourself? Fix it please??

Midlife Crisis Sign #11

You play the blame game. You can’t really think about any major faults of your own. So you think about and/or say things like:

We don’t go out any more.
All you ever do is work play golf etc.
We don’t have any fun together any more.
I’m not sure I can continue living with you
You never….
I’m not trying to blame you (but by implication you are)
we have grown apart…

Midlife Crisis Sign #12

Your spouse makes some effort to change. They’ve done some soul searching about how they could have done better and start putting some effort into it. But you think, “Too little, too late”. As far as you’re concerned, there’s NOTHING they can do that will change things. All that pleading and begging is getting you down, you just want to move on. In fact you enjoy them being sad, and you tell them that they are mean to you!! and they upset you and your home upsets you – when they are distraught this winds them up even more, and you love it! Again sad man….

Midlife Crisis Sign #13

Despite the fact that you’re not happy about your marriage and you want a different life (preferably with someone else/or on your own); you get really upset if they file for a divorce. Why should they be the one to take the initiative? If you see that they really want to go through with it, you’re going to make things really difficult for them. Anyway, they’re filing for divorce or suggesting a separation shows that they never really wanted it to work in the first place. As far as you’re concerned, they’ve shown their true colors now and you’re going to let everyone know it!
Again…sad man and in denial too

Midlife Crisis Sign #14

The divorce or separation finally comes through (I hope it doesn’t after reading this). You’re now free to do all the things you really want. What a relief, you can now live the life you’ve always wanted. You’re free to date or carry on your affair (if you had already started it). Then you hear that your ex has started or may be starting a relationship with someone else. You’re not sure if you really like it, but of course you won’t admit it.

Months, years pass and you’ve had all the dates, enjoyed your affair to the hilt. You’ve tried all those things that you were always saying “no” to. But somehow you’re still not completely fulfilled. Then you begin to wonder,

Did I make a mistake…?
Was life really that bad...?
Will they take me back...?

My advice is get to sign 14th and grow up and do something soon before the best thing you have ever had in your life moved on forever!!"

[This message edited by nlovemyfamily at 5:03 PM, May 6th (Monday)]


Posts: 415 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: nj
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When your fog started to lift did it occur during the affair, immediately after the affair or some time later?
My fog slowly started lifting around the end of the affair, not long before H confronted me.
Did the lifting come quickly or over a period of weeks? When it lifted, did you dump the OP and approach the BS or did you test the water with the BS before dumping the OP?
It came pretty quickly. Initially, I blamed my H for everything, but coming here snapped me out of that real quick. I dumped xOM without needing to test the waters with my BS. I didn't want him. I wanted my H.
At any point, did you still harbour resentment to the BS for calling you out on all of your crazy making, marital rewrite and lies which prevented you from seeking reconciliation?
No, not at all. I didn't need to rewrite history - my relationship was going down the tubes. There was no denying that. Still, I wanted R because I felt, deep down, there was hope for an amazing relationship - which is what we have now.


FWW - 40
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent...

Posts: 5527 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nlove,

#1 – WS speak...same with #2 and #3 and #4 and #5 and #6. #7 is a WS thing for some. Back to being #8 (got a Harley...) and yep, did #9 and #10. Not sure I did #11, but probably did. #12 is definitely something I did. I think I did not “enjoy” it as described...rather I used it as punishment for perceived slights. Didn’t really get as far as #13 partly for fear of #14.

I’m not sure this is necessarily a MLC thing, because it fits a WS pattern for just about any age.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6048 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
ms521
♀ Member
Member # 12008
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have to agree with Baxters on the MLC issue. I was in my 20s when I strayed. Hardly a midlife crises. WH was in his 30s for all his shit. But both of us could point to a lot of the items on that list as excuses. For what it's worth, I think MLC is just another excuse all by itself. Age is just a number.


Madhatters.
Me: FWW (STA 2002), now a BW.
Him: FWH (OW1: 2006-2007), now just WH (OW2: 2010-2013)

I will never stop trying... because when you find 'the one' you never give up. (Cal Weaver)


Posts: 429 | Registered: Sep 2006
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree. calling it a MLC is just another term for "I don't know how to cope with whatever in a healthy way."


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 47
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace."


Posts: 3663 | Registered: Dec 2010
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another +1 who thinks the entire concept of "midlife crisis" is used simply as an excuse for all kinds of bad behavior.

For the record, I was in my 20s when I cheated.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
2fwd1back
♂ New Member
Member # 39131
Default  Posted: 1:08 AM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry if this is TMI and crude but 10 months into this and it is still bugging the shit out of me... My W had 2 PA with coworkers over a 4 month period that consisted only of oral sex without protection. She rarely did it at home but had no problem doing it exclusively to these two guys. I just don't get it, we both have a medical background and she is a germaphobe so she was well aware of the risks. When I originally found out about the A and questioned it she replied she "didn't know" (I got that answer a lot) and that she was ashamed of it and it made her feel very uncomfortable because in hind sight she realizes it was the wrong choice. But wtf! She said at the time was that they were both in LTR/M so she did not feel it was a risk...but I just don't get it? Why do it? No further clarity in MC either. Just wonder if anyone might have some insight. I hate to bring it up now with her because I feel like I am going backwards. It seems like there are just so many things that I will never get the answers to.


BH (me), 40
WW, 39
M 15 years, T 24 years
2 kids, 11 & 9
DDay 1 6/12 EA
DDay 2 7/12 Actually a PA
DDay 3 7/12 Wellllll... Actually a PA with 2 guys
In MC, Attempting R

Posts: 11 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: USA
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2fwd,

Is she answering any of your questions? IDK is a common answer for a WS. The thing is, it isn’t an adequate answer, and if she is saying that still because she is uncomfortable, well, tough shit. She should be helping you to work through this stuff.

As far as why she would have oral sex with two different guys…I’ve been thinking about how WS’s kind of go nuts or let some kind of alternate character out when they get in an A. Not all WS’s do this, but for many, the actions during the A are just out of character.

In my case (EA only), it’s just kind of weird to me that while doing the work to figure out my own why, I came to realize that while I “feel” emotions, I was pretty shitty at expressing them. So during my own EA, it was all about letting those emotions out.

In your case, I wonder if there is something in your WW’s background that was able to be kept under wraps in the M, but during the A, it just came out. That’s an answer only your WW will have.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6048 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.