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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 7
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, May 23rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Noescape,

I am a FWW, that was why I answered, and I do spend time over in madhatter.

I know O24 answered a lot of your questions. I can tell you that it took me about a year to really pull my head out and see that I had a problem. Not the M, not my H, but me. That was when I got to work. And I became remorseful. Up to that point, I had regret. And the two look very different.

When you add the madhatter issue, that is when the waters get muddy. That was the only reason I talked about that forum.

And no need to apologize.


Me43 Him 43 Hardlessons DS 24,22,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 3663 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, May 23rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

noescape -

I also need some perspective (and dare I say, hope?) and ask those (WWs) who've come out the other side what it took and when/how it happened.

My H said he would leave if I didn't shape up. Then he left me alone to do all the work. He did not give me anything to read, he never asked if I made an IC appointment, he just expected me to work on myself.

Your W has to own it. You cannot control her into it. All you can do is decide whether to live with her as she is and, if you do, figure out how to reach contentment and acceptance.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, May 23rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allatsea -

I like to think that she is deeply unhappy and misses me and everything we had that was good, but I fear that she just doesn't.

She is broken.
She knows it's not your fault.
She knows it's all on her.
She does feel guilty.

But she has moved on. In a very bad and uncaring way, but she has. She should have divorced you first. But she was not mature enough to do so.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, May 23rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you both. No, I am not trying to control her into it-it was a shitty dynamic for almost 2 years; her manipulation/damage control and my trying to control R (guy thought: "I can fix this"). Took me a while to figure out (and even longer to implement) that the only thing I could fix was not the M or her, it was me.

Tho i might add, I have only noted regret for her being 'found out', not regret for the A's themselves. Ho hum...


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, May 23rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No escape,

Then you have very little to work with. Like unexpected song, Hlessons did not direct my work at all. He did not want my help in his healing, he told me to just fix myself.

At some point you will have to figure out what you can live with and what you can accept.


Me43 Him 43 Hardlessons DS 24,22,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 3663 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 5:57 AM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

t/j Ophelia, I just saw your post to me. I agree, owning their part in hurting our BS (in this case, their brother) is key. My BH is a forgiving, loving person and he has done a good job in his renewed relationships with both sisters. It made me realize even more what an unbelievably amazing person he is. His sister is sick now, and they are closer than ever. He chose to be there for her during her cancer and we pray she will get better, and I know the closeness will continue. My sister, we don't talk anymore, but that is my doing, and not A related. end t/j


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 34749 | Registered: Sep 2007
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At some point you will have to figure out what you can live with and what you can accept.

As far as the As are concerned or the continuing behaviour? Since I don't know much if at all about the As and yeah, the continuing behaviour is not extreme waywardness, but it ain't any healing either.


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tg, US and O24, thank you all for your replies. To avoid posting the same stuff on separate threads, I will close responses on here and move to MH. Thank you so much for your responses.

Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, May 25th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question to WS:

Did you compare your AP and BS sexually? I mean mentally, I guess, *during* the act? Also, did you ever talk to your AP about your sex with your BS? Thanks ahead of time.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1616 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
mamak
♀ Member
Member # 35969
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are so many posts that it is difficult to go through and see if this question was asked before so please forgive me if this is a repeat.

To the WS (particularly those with an EA): do you ever think fondly of your AP? (I am a year out so particularly focused in that area.....) Do you ever wish you could give up the roller coaster that is reconciliation to go back to EA?

ETA: If you continued to have an A while in R, how did it make you feel? How we're you able to look at your spouse and try to R yet continue to have the A?

I ask this because my WH and I have to make a major decision regarding where we move ( and if I stay here for a while due to work reasons) and I am trying to understand the mindset of someone who could say they are committed to R but really are still cheating....

[This message edited by mamak at 3:40 PM, May 26th (Sunday)]


Me - 37, Him - 34
Married - 10 years
Three kiddos (oldest is mine) - 9, 11,13
DDay #1 - 4/21/2012, Discovered 3 mo. EA (texts, phone calls, nude pics, sexting, 1 kiss)
R - 4/24/12. R going well

Posts: 282 | Registered: Jun 2012
ophelia24
♀ Member
Member # 38438
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mamak;

A WS is not in reconciliation if still having fond memories of AP. And furthermore, are in danger of having another A if this is the case. Or if not an actual affair, becoming what is termed a 'dry cheater' (a poster UO wrote a brilliant post about this in WW forum). I know, because I realise now, I was a dry cheater for years after my A's, and spent a couple of years after one of my affair's sifting through my box of memories of the times we spent together having sex. This hurt my BH recently no end to hear this, but I wanted to be honest with him about where my head was at back then.

I realise now this was due to not having faced myself about my behaviours and had learnt' absolutely nothing about myself, instead, I had continued to blame my marriage and my BH's faults for my actions.

Hope this helps in some way.


“Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.”
― James Baldwin

Posts: 241 | Registered: Feb 2013
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mamak -

do you ever think fondly of your AP?

No. I don't even think of him. I think if he started choking in front of me, I'd think twice whether to give him CPR.

ETA: If you continued to have an A while in R, how did it make you feel?

I ask this because my WH and I have to make a major decision regarding where we move ( and if I stay here for a while due to work reasons) and I am trying to understand the mindset of someone who could say they are committed to R but really are still cheating....

You are not in R. This is why an affair doesn't take two. It only takes the WS who is expending relationship energy outside the M.

Your H needs to work on maintaining mental NC - no reminiscing, no keeping in a safe box in the head, no what-ifs, no savoring their songs. Nothing. Delete her existence from his. That is the only path forward.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
mamak
♀ Member
Member # 35969
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh no, no, my WH isn't reminiscing about the OW at all. We only talk about her when I bring her up.

I think where I am really trying to get at is that sometimes I cannot believe this is real. How could my WH go from doting over this horrible woman, telling her their plans for the future, and then turning back to me, fully transparent, remorseful, and honestly, the husband that he should have always been.

So hence my questions....I wanted to see if it really IS possible that the wayward really did move on. That when he says that he never thinks positively of her, that it IS truly possible. As far as continuing the affair while in R, it is really just one of my biggest fears. That despite all of the changes he has made, they are really underground. There are no outward signs of foul play but I guess I am a textbook worrywart.


Me - 37, Him - 34
Married - 10 years
Three kiddos (oldest is mine) - 9, 11,13
DDay #1 - 4/21/2012, Discovered 3 mo. EA (texts, phone calls, nude pics, sexting, 1 kiss)
R - 4/24/12. R going well

Posts: 282 | Registered: Jun 2012
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That when he says that he never thinks positively of her, that it IS truly possible.

Oh. Well, I don't think positively or negatively. I just don't think. I do cringe thinking about me at that time. But I'm not aware of his existence.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
ophelia24
♀ Member
Member # 38438
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As unexpected song says, I cringe thinking about me. I thought it was luuurve, SI and reading the identical stories just leaves me embarrassed that I thought my A was somehow different and special. Nup. It was tawdry and fraught.


“Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.”
― James Baldwin

Posts: 241 | Registered: Feb 2013
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did you compare your AP and BS sexually? I mean mentally, I guess, *during* the act? Also, did you ever talk to your AP about your sex with your BS? Thanks ahead of time.

No I did not compare them. I was disgusted both times I did something with him and threw up afterwards. He tried touching me a third time and I yelled no and begged him to let me out the room we were in without him touching me again. While confessing to my SO he asked me to compare in his questions. I told him the truth OM was nothing compared to him. I never enjoyed what I'd did with OM and the only man who had ever made me feel good during sex was SO. OM made me feel dirty, filthy and guilty.

No I never talked about sex with OM. I rarely talked about sex with anyone else and if I did it was one of my girlfriends and if I remember correctly it was always about how amazing SO was.

Hope that helps.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2381 | Registered: Oct 2012
AmberDust
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Member # 38904
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry if this has been discussed before-

My FWH’s OW was his first love. I am his second.
There are 2 people he has ever loved.
He cheated with OW. He knows it devastated me, but he cannot see her as his enemy. In my opinion she should be, given what she has done to help him be the worst he could be, cheat, and almost lose everything he loved.
He saw evidence of her lying and we discussed things she said to manipulate him.
Still, with her being his first love, he cannot blame her for anything and forgives her what she did to our M and to him, helping him lie and cheat. She is not a bad person to him, but a nice person that he still likes, with a few flaws, that apparently are easily forgiven. I still feel sick since hearing this, and to me it is an insult.

I know this happens more often. Can somebody explain to me why this is ? I wrote about it in Recon, but I’d like to know WHAT this mechanism, this inability to blame the OW, is.

[This message edited by AmberDust at 9:14 AM, May 27th (Monday)]


Posts: 103 | Registered: Apr 2013
Whatevs
♂ New Member
Member # 38850
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question for WWs:

Any of you have the affair ended by OM before discovery? If so, does that complicate R with BH in any way?

My WW was dumped about 3 weeks before DDay. It was a short, intense A and OM said he didn't want to continue until she 'fessed up to me. He told his BW and moved out. My WW didn't tell me, but did move out claiming she needed space, then she immediately contacted OM to let him know she was free. he said he had been seeing other women and was not interested in her any more.
So, there's been a point of contention over a NC statement. She says there's no point and I wonder if I would just be rubbing her face in it if I insisted.



Posts: 12 | Registered: Mar 2013
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AmberDust,

I know this happens more often. Can somebody explain to me why this is ? I wrote about it in Recon, but I’d like to know WHAT this mechanism, this inability to blame the OW, is.

In the situation you've described, I'd say he's still got a love light on for the OW.

Until he can acknowledge how destructive this OW was, how cruel she was by willingly going after him in spite of the fact he was married with a family, then he's allowing room for the A to re-ignite sometime in the future.

I really don't mean to be insensitive, but the only mechanism I know of is called a feeling of love....

Edited to add; I forgot to mention, we waywards are so stupid sometimes.

[This message edited by Card at 8:39 PM, May 27th (Monday)]


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whatevs I ended A 3 months before confessing. I know that's a bit different then your situation and he was also no longer working with me. Basically there would be NC automatically but I still sent a NC message. I wanted it to be perfectly clear no matter what.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2381 | Registered: Oct 2012
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