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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 7
LiedtoLucy
♀ Member
Member # 39246
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Baxter-

The previous 180 was right after my WH found out that OW was claiming to be pregnant. He told me right away, but of course I was devastated. We started having conversations about how to handle the OC situation.

At that time he was saying that he felt like he should go to doctor's appointments, be there for the birth, and otherwise be involved with her pregnancy. She had emailed him and asked him to go to her first Dr. appointment. Of course, I said "Hell no you won't. Not if you want me to stay married to me." I couldn't tolerate that. He hem hawed...went back and forth about how the OC was his responsibility. blah blah blah. So I started the 180. It really was to detach myself. I was so scared of the OC situation and knew I couldn't handle him playing the role of expectant father with her.

I guess the 180 was sort of successful..I did detach for a couple of weeks. But we were.. and still are in MC and feelings about the affair and the he was acting would come out there. He did realize how ridiculous his idea of being around for OW/OC dr appointments and such were. He has continued NC with her since that time. I guess I started feeling better about the general situation at that time and he was not understanding why I was not really participating in and had cut off all discussions about the A and our future. Since that time he doesn't really want to talk about it anymore. I DO know that had he continued with his plan to go to doctor's appointments and be involved in OW's pregnancy, that I would have left. That was definitely a dealbreaker.
I guess I stopped the 180 because I felt like he was trying to do the right thing and I did still want to R. I guess it proved that I really wasn't doing it for me. Maybe? So basically crisis diverted and we continued to work on us. I have to get into the right mindset to detach for me..I just don't know how to get there.

He has said he is sorry.. but I need him to be remorseful and continue to show it..he doesn't get it.
It is like he has compartmentalized the A and doesn't think about it anymore and expects me to do the same.

U/S-

WH said the same thing.. That the way he was confronted was an accusation. I can see that. But at the time, I had convinced myself that something was going on. Him working nights is a huge trigger for me.. HUGE. His affair happened with a co-worker..(she no longer works there) at night. There were many nights he lied to me and said he was going to work and really went to spend the night at OW's house. He is in the middle of a 7 night stretch of nights at work and I get depressed, paranoid, extra-sensitive if he doesn't call me during his shift. He knows this.. but says he can't switch to days right now. My feeling is that he could. All he has to do is request it. He has worked there 4 years and has enough to seniority to switch. He said it is for financial reasons..in the back of my mind I think he is still hiding something so I freak out. when he leaves for work I trigger HARD.. and I guess the conversation last night was because of my trigger. He never brings it up...and truly does expect me to not spy on him because he is being so "honest."

I did take his truck to the grocery store today (his keys were still in the pocket of his work clothes) and looked through all of his stuff and found nothing. He would be offended...no doubt if he knew i had done this, but I felt like I needed to do it to be safe. Do I just need to let it go for awhile? IDK I hate feeling this way and acting like a psycho..but I am trying to protect myself. In his eyes if he is doing nothing wrong I need to sit back and let him prove himself. I don't know what to do anymore.


LTL

Me: BS
Him: WH
OW=UW or Ugly Whore- cow of WH
UW claims to be pregnant w/ WH baby and I HATE her for it.
DDay: 4/23/13
Together: 14 years
Married: 10 years
Kids: 3 beautiful boys. Ages: 8, 4, & 19 months
Trying to R-Some days are


Posts: 110 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Southeastern U.S.
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do I just need to let it go for awhile?

Of course not! Don't let anything go! Do whatever you need to do to feel safe. Really and truly.

All I'm saying is... ask direct questions. Just ask him where the keys are. Ask him for what you need and want. And if you need reassurance, ask him for that. If you need comfort, ask him for that.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
changedforlife
♀ Member
Member # 38474
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can someone tell me their thoughts on feeling shame for their actions? Was it helpful or harmful to reconciliation?

My WH tells me he feels deeply ashamed by what he did which I think is at least a step in the right direction but it also feels like isn't beneficial to our reconciliation especially when WH is bi-polar with major depressive episodes.


Me - BS/Him - WH (in our 40's)
Together 21 years/ 1 preschooler
D-day - Jan 24/13 He confessed about affair.
Broken NC -Feb 7-22,Feb 28,March 6
Continued Contact up to July 16
D-DAY 2-July 19 FALSE R!

Posts: 132 | Registered: Feb 2013
Steppenwolf
♂ Member
Member # 38140
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

feels like isn't beneficial to our reconciliation

Gently, I don't think this is the best line of thinking. I'm sensing that you are worried about keeping the waters calm, which can bog down any chance of an authentic relationship. You have a chance to really get everything out there, so why not do it? Acknowledging and dealing with shame is part of the big picture. Frankly, if your WH did not feel ashamed, I would be worried.
Step in the right direction? Only if he takes the step. Dig and discover. Work on his shit. Shame is a perfect thing to talk about in IC.


Me: WS- 30s
Her: BS- 30s RockyMtn



Posts: 126 | Registered: Jan 2013
LifeJourney
♀ New Member
Member # 40354
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hello ... i would really appreciate some advice from a FWS. My husband has had multiple sexual affairs that I found out about 3 months ago. He begged me not to leave him(we have 2 teenagers) so I agreed to MC. After being in MC for 3 months I learned a few days ago that he is having an EA and SA with a different woman whom he says he loves. We have gone through 3 days of intense conversation and counseling. He has now allegedly discolsed everything.
So now - the most painful thing for me is watching him grieve the loss of the OW. He is being honest with his feelings but the NC has been very difficult for him.
How long can I expect it will take to watch him greive this loss. When do the feelings begin to subside? If he truly wants to R (as he says he does), what can I expect of his process. (yes, I know I have my process to contend with but part of my process will include watching him grieve.)
Any advice would be most appreciated. Thank you!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Posts: 15 | Registered: Aug 2013
mixedintherut
♀ Member
Member # 40330
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would like to hear from any WS that got caught and wasn't ready to give up their A. How long did it take you to decide to R? Was it anything that the bs did or didn't say/do?


DD 1: PA 12/4/09 He spent 2.5 years with OW1
R: 8/31/2012
DD 2: EA 8/16/13
BS: 26
WH: 25
1 young daughter.
Terribly disgusted. He refuses to give up his "friend". Headed towards D.

Posts: 136 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: kentucky
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWH needs time to heal. My fWH changed careers when I asked him to after his PA's. He worked at a bar where there was a plethura of booze and women... That was a condition that we stay together. That and no drinking. He's a recovering alchoholic. So, he wants to take time off from working to do so.

How can I be supportive in HIS healing as a fWS??? He's been stressed, going to the restroom, can't eat, can't sleep, etc. I really do feel bad for him.


Me-BW 35. STBXH-35,active alcoholic, suspected NPD SA. 2 little boys. M 6yrs T13.
Year+ false R & TT from Dday1 Nov 2012 IEA - Feb 2014 count at 10 OW PA's 1LTA (all W lied to) for 3 years that I know of.
Filed for D.

Posts: 816 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm wondering if any of the WSs had lost the "in love" feeling for their spouse?

I find myself in the situation of BS, but now that my husband has been caught, he isn't sure if he wants to R because he loves me but isn't IN love with me and is afraid he will never be able to get those feelings back.

Did you lose the love? Did you get it back? How? What helped? As the BS what can *i* do to help the process?


Me: BS 44
Him: WH 47
Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
Heading for Divorce
3 kids: 15,17,19

Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart, wait for The Lord.


Posts: 1027 | Registered: Aug 2013
JalenB521
♂ New Member
Member # 40504
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like some of you other BSs, I feel like my WW was never, and still isn't, truly sorry for the approx. 5 month A she had. She says that she is but actions speak louder than words.

Posts: 16 | Registered: Aug 2013
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 3:13 AM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LifeJourney -

How long can I expect it will take to watch him greive this loss. When do the feelings begin to subside?

No idea. It all depends on how hard he works at it... meaning, how much does he block the thoughts and images. The fact is, everyone gets over everyone after awhile. It just depends on ho much you want to. If he maintains mental NC, it shouldn't be too long.

I don't think you need to watch him grieve, though. Tell him to take his grieving somewhere else - like mowing the lawn or something.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 3:16 AM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mixedintherut -

How long did it take you to decide to R? Was it anything that the bs did or didn't say/do?

Reconciliation is a GIFT. Repeat that and internalize that. It is a GIFT that you give him.

Because you know it's a gift, you can now state your requirements. Basically, he gets one chance. He starts now. He goes NC, including mental NC. He goes to counseling. Whatever you require. And if he does not, you walk.

Of course, only say that if you are willing to walk.

Don't beg. Don't nice him into loving you. Don't try to "meet his needs".

You cannot control his feelings nor his actions. You can only state what you will put up with and see how he responds.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 3:17 AM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

libertyrocks -

How can I be supportive in HIS healing as a fWS??? He's been stressed, going to the restroom, can't eat, can't sleep, etc.

You don't have to do anything special. Support him if you want to (hug him, talk to him, exercise with him, whatever).


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 3:19 AM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nekorb -

Did you lose the love? Did you get it back? How? What helped? As the BS what can *i* do to help the process?

Kick him out. If he can't decide whether he loves you, kick him out. You've already lost him.

Now... if he doesn't want to leave, then you tell him your requirements. (NC, IC, talk, transparency, whatever)

You cannot control his feelings. You can only decide what you will put up with.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 3:19 AM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JalenB521 -

I feel like my WW was never, and still isn't, truly sorry for the approx. 5 month A she had

What's your question?


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
JalenB521
♂ New Member
Member # 40504
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UnexpectedSong -
I guess I was just venting. However, any suggestions regarding how to deal with that crappy feeling, which I get every single day, would be much appreciated.

Posts: 16 | Registered: Aug 2013
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jalen -

I guess I was just venting. However, any suggestions regarding how to deal with that crappy feeling, which I get every single day, would be much appreciated.

Sorry. I got nothing. Maybe if you vented in General, other BSes can help you.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SAWHs - what does it mean when my SAWH says he is starting to feel better about things/our relationship? We still haven't had sex (haven't had sex in YEARS, longer period of time than affair was going on). He says he is still in detox. Been seeing a CSAT for a little over 2 months. Says if/when we do have sex again, he wants it to mean something and not just be going through the motions. What is this all about? Is he for real or gaslighting again?


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 812 | Registered: Jun 2013
cancuncrushed
♀ Member
Member # 28156
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question. I read so much about the fog. The lurv. I understand the fantasy and drug. But how do you know if its real love? What if your WS, has truely fallen in love? I have seen others compare it to when you dated your spouse. How do you know that your spouse wasnt in lurv or fantasy with you? I cannot tell the difference. ANd that hurts. I feel in my situation, OW may have broken things with him. I believe he didnt leave me because of the money. I now believe she was trying to expose the A. I believe she may have dumped him. I feel I was settled for. SO, does this mean, he still loves her and thinks of her? Or was it the fog, and now he feels terrible? I have never received any admissions, I know we are doomed. I am trying to heal for me. I have seen several occasions, when it may be a a reminder of OW. He looks blissful and lusty. ANd checks himself, to hide it. Do WS, even after leaving the fog, remember and think about the A? In a happy memory sort of way? Sometimes I feel second choice, settled for, and he has a chance for R, as long as I dont know.


a trigger yesterday

Posts: 860 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do WS, even after leaving the fog, remember and think about the A? In a happy memory sort of way?

I don't remember the A with happy memories, because of the person I was then---the person who was completely OK with lying, sneaking, cheating, betraying, and behaving immorally.

I do occasionally think of the prior relationship with OM (our legitimate pre-A dating relationship) with positive memories and feelings---because that dating relationship didn't end by my choice, I really did love him, and we spent a lot of enjoyable time together. I have positive thoughts of this nature about other exes as well, from my high school Homecoming date to guys I dated in college and so forth. I don't dwell on these thoughts, and in fact I actively chase them away and refocus on my XH and our relationship when those thoughts arise.

Sometimes I feel second choice, settled for

I don't think my XH is my second choice. I think, all things being equal, that I could have had a good relationship with a lot of people in this world---whether that be XH, or other exes, or men I've never even met. I don't believe in a "soulmate" or a "one true love." XH is a good person. He is handsome. He is funny. We have a lot in common and enjoy doing things together. We have shared attitudes on raising future children. We share financial goals. And so forth. I am reconciling with him partly because of these factors...and also because I was married to him at one time and I believe I should reconcile for that reason if given the opportunity.

As far as settling...it depends on how you define that. If "settling" is defined as accepting a spouse for who they are despite flaws, and deciding to stay with them, then we are all settling in some way.

[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 9:04 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)]


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce


Posts: 1921 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
Eyeofthetiger
♀ Member
Member # 40359
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am probably just in denial. But I am not convinced my M is over.

My H left 3 months ago. I begged for weeks to work on our M. Then 1 month ago I found out he had an EA while he was still at home. He ended it a week after he left. The A with her is over now but he still says he "doesn't feel the same way about us" and when asked to work on things he says he can't so I ask if he wants a D and he says its the only option.

Have any WS been my H and have "come around"?

My gut and knowledge tell me he has so much guilt and he believes that no matter what he does, he could never make it up to me so that I would trust again. And I believe he thinks that he must feel different if he could ever do that to me. The reason I cannot believe he feels different about ME is that he keeps saying he feels different about us. I can see it in his eyes and face he is sad. He even gets emotional when we talk about D.

Any WS experiences about coming back from those thoughts would be great. Or am I just doomed?


S

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