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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 7
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Eyeofthetiger,

I think the fact that he moved out is going to make the chances of saving the M very small.

In my situation, I talked myself into believing that D was the only way out. If D happened, then all I'd have to do was treat my BW and kids well, and I would never have to face the real issues. It's probably the same for your WH. He is more afraid of facing his deep dark issues than he is of losing his family.

My BW begged for our M. Actually, she fought for it. But at a certain point she realized that the only thing she could control was herself, so she packed a bag, and that is when I finally came around. Once the reality of the D was on the table, that's when I overcame my fear of dealing with my messed up self.

If he wants a D, give it to him. Let him live that reality. Don't let him be the nice guy though.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6060 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cancuncrushed,

I think that it can't be real love because it developed out of secrecy and lies and deception. It may take a while to see it that way for both you and him, but that's what I believe.

The addiction aspect will make it even harder to see reality, so early on, your WH may very well look back at the A and the OW fondly, but if he's actively working on healing and R, then I would bet his perspective will change and he'll begin to see it for what it was.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6060 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
AML04
♀ Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All,

First I want to thank all the WSs (although from what I have read most are FWS) for taking the time to help us BSs.

My question at only about 4 mos past dday (and im sure its been answered but there is a LOT to go through!!) is how can I get my H to talk about the A other than just answering my questions?
If he hadn't had the A I really would think he was a model husband now. He can be very comforting and has been reading and trying to figure out his whys/hows but not much progress there. He says he doesn't know what I want to hear from him or he doesn't know what to say. He also says he doesnt remember a lot. I'm just sick of hearing myself talk but I'm nowhere near ready to just focus on our M and drop the A. Not that he's suggesting that but by not really having a discussion with me it gets very frustrating.
Any insight you have that I could pass on would be greatly appreciated.


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
T-13 M-9
DDay 5/26/13, TT through ???
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13.
Hopeful for R

Posts: 658 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
lostmylight55
♂ Member
Member # 33517
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, September 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

womaninflux

It is not uncommon for someone with SA to abstain from sex, in all forms, at the beginning of their treatment depending on their councillors recommendation. I had a porn addiction with chronic masturbation for most of my adult life. My BW was completely unaware of my addiction or that I was even interested in porn because I lied about it. I hid my addictions from everyone and was afraid of being judged/labeled a deviant.

I can't speak to your specific question of gaslighting but can appreciate that your H wants to get himself in a good place where he wants sex to mean something. That is the whole point of treatment. However, I don't think his attitude should be a question of "IF" but more "WHEN". For me, I feel I am more open and intimate in my relationship with my BW than I have every been in my life which also applies to when we make love. It is a completely different experience for me now. I am in the moment and not just detached and reenacting some porn movie in my head (going through the motions).

Some CSAT will also council spouses of addicts. I hope you are able to talk to someone who can help you understand the process and hopefully you and your husband are talking about it too.


My Boundaries are firm: Trespassers will be shot on sight.

Posts: 75 | Registered: Oct 2011
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AML04,

I'm not sure I would have wanted to just have random discussions about my affair at 4 months in. It was an obvious cause of pain for my wife anytime we had 'discussions'.

What we did do to facilitate discussions was;

Read the forums together aloud and discussed other peoples situations.

Read books together aloud and discussed the questions together. Books that dealt with recovering from adultery and re-building a marriage together. There are some suggestions in 'The Healing Library'.


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
RippedSoul
♀ Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If any of you are sex addicts, can you help me to understand what's going through my SAWH's mind? I understand that in most marriages, both spouses contribute equally to mistakes that make the marriage vulnerable. With SAs, however, it seems to be more about the addict and his (her) issues.

When I ask if he thought she was prettier than me, he says the A wasn't about me. When I ask if the sex was better, he says it wasn't about me. When I ask what appeals to him (lingerie-wise, body-wise) when he's viewing pornography, he says it isn't about me. In some strange, twisted sort of way, I may finally be starting to understand that. Even though I know I'm lovely (by most people's standards), I've often felt ugly to him since he has to look elsewhere. I'm beginning to heal enough to feel beautiful again--no matter where this M of ours heads.

In the meantime, since I'm committed to making this work (until--and only until--his thought-out as opposed to compulsive actions proves he really is not), I'm trying to get inside his head to understand a little part of him. He's not sober enough for me to ask him outright at this moment.

He says he loves me and that he's in love with me. Is he? He drops kisses into my hair when we watch movies together. Does that mean--even if he's broken--that he does, indeed, love me? He's involving me more in his life right now (watching movies together for a grad certificate he's working on). Does that mean he loves me? He's inviting me to work dinners and introducing me to new colleagues. Does that mean he's trying to build our future together? Wouldn't it be easier for him to divorce a nameless/faceless woman than someone he's introduced to his associates?

Honestly, he's so messed up--which messes me up. I just need some sort of security to survive the next two weeks he's away on travel (with his EA/PA from last year).


BW: 49
SAWH: 46
M: 22.5 yrs
TT: Nov 12-Jan 13
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14

Posts: 312 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
AML04
♀ Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Card. We really havent tried reading together. I do send him threads I think apply to our story but we rarely discuss them.
Do you have any suggestions on where he can start to figure himself out? He says every time he tries he can't focus and there are a lot of blank spots. I don't want to do the work for him but if I could give him a jumping off place maybe he could take it from there.


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
T-13 M-9
DDay 5/26/13, TT through ???
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13.
Hopeful for R

Posts: 658 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
duststorm
♀ New Member
Member # 40500
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for reading my post.

My H had an A in July. I'm currently pregnant after multiple IVF treatments. His A was with a co-worker. He brought our 4 year old son to the beach with the OW and my son is who told on my WH. The A continued, he left me on bed rest (high risk pregnancy) twice. One time was for 4 days, the 2nd time was for 5 days. Both times he left was when he had been busted in a lie.

We have had our problems, especially with the fertility treatments being so hard and then me being put on bed rest. He can't quit his job, he can only apply for promotions and she still works for him, which triggers me hard every time he leaves for work.
He has been honest with me for weeks (I've verified things-and I feel guilty going behind him and verifying but I need to feel safe) and he says he does not speak with OW if he doesn't have to. I'm trying to hold on to the M for the kids, I hope this birth can be a restarting point for us. WH says he is sorry but he also says he struggles with how could he love me if he could do this to me? Is this guilt? Am I doing more damage to the M by my triggers? I'm home all day with nothing but my thoughts in my head and sometimes I think I work myself up. My projections/imagination are worse than what is really going on. I guess my questions are-

Do you think the baby will help the situation?

At what point do I need to stop projecting and imagining? I want my M to work.

We are only a few weeks out from the final issues of the A, I don't want the OW alive under my roof. He says I think about her more than he does. Could this be true?

He says when he looks at her he feels bad because it makes him think about what he did to me and the family. Is this possible?

Is there a point the BW can push the WH away by not giving it a rest? I have no rest in my head and the situation is honestly exhausting as heck.


Posts: 25 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Texas
SandAway
♀ Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

duststorm, I went back and read a few of your posts. I am so sorry, but your BH is a real POS. From what you have written about him, he only cares about himself. A true narcissist. (manipulative and easily angered)

Do you think the baby will help the situation?

No, I don't see how having a baby will help bring you to closer. You have a child with him and he still wandered. This question is the same as thinking someone will change once you get married; without work, they won't.

At what point do I need to stop projecting and imagining? I want my M to work.

As long as you need.

We are only a few weeks out from the final issues of the A, I don't want the OW alive under my roof. He says I think about her more than he does. Could this be true?

They work together. You never said how closely. But I certainly wouldn't trust him. He has already run back to her a couple times since you have found out about the A.

He says when he looks at her he feels bad because it makes him think about what he did to me and the family. Is this possible?

It certainly is possible, but they are words. You need to see him acting in ways where you can begin to trust him again - and he does not seem to be doing that yet.

Is there a point the BW can push the WH away by not giving it a rest?

Certainly not a month after DDay.

I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this while being pregnant. You need to some how push him out of your mind for now - work on the 180, even just a little, to help you, your child and your baby. They need you much more then you need him. I am so sorry if my words seem harsh, but your posts show zero remorse from him, zero.


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 404 | Registered: Dec 2012
duststorm
♀ New Member
Member # 40500
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for responding SandAway.
Yes, he is a real POS right now, and it kills me. I can't even look at the WHOLE picture, I have to process the situation in waves. I understand marriages break down, we had suffered many losses due to infertility, I even had a miscarriage on Christmas. (I can't believe I'm just throwing this out there, but I feel the whole picture needs to be given) This baby is very wanted by both of us. I know the 50% I played in the break down, I was horribly mean and blamed him for a lot. Am I making excuses? No, not at all. But I do understand how the A could have happened. Now the timing and how he went about it-I don't get. He isn't a POS normally. When this occurred everyone was floored, this is not characteristic of him.

His reasoning was:
I wasn't thinking of the consequences. Well no $hit. I don't think he didn't think he wasn't going to get caught, he was basically doing it in our backyard. He literally went on destructive spree for the month of July, then tried to cover it up at the start of August.
As for the OW, he is her boss. He doesn't have to see her every day, but he does have to see her-it just depends on what is going on that day.

I know the code to his phone.
I've searched the universe to make sure he doesn't have another phone
I haven't caught him in one lie in weeks. He tells me when he is going to see her. Hopefully she will be moving out of the area soon.
I've torn through his car.
I've come up with nothing.

What do you think about both of us being in a state of shock? I know I'm still trying to pick up the pieces. I'm analytical by nature and profession, I will talk and repeat myself over and over---asking the same question a different way. He says I wear things out.

He keeps telling me everything is going to be okay and he just knows it. I ask him how and he says he just knows. He also keeps telling me he loves me, but then at times says he doesn't know how he could love me if he did that to me. Do you think this is guilt? He isn't a great communicator, he's more of a suck it up and get on with it kind of guy. I fear that if I wear this out, it will annoy him and he will leave. I fear for the kids, I don't want them to grow up in a broken home. I feel so pathetic in this situation being VERY pregnant, VERY hormonal and most of all, insecure in all of this.


Posts: 25 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Texas
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 12:42 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RippedSoul -

can you help me to understand what's going through my SAWH's mind?

He says he loves me and that he's in love with me. Is he?

He drops kisses into my hair when we watch movies together. Does that mean--even if he's broken--that he does, indeed, love me?

He's involving me more in his life right now (watching movies together for a grad certificate he's working on). Does that mean he loves me?

He's inviting me to work dinners and introducing me to new colleagues. Does that mean he's trying to build our future together?

Wouldn't it be easier for him to divorce a nameless/faceless woman than someone he's introduced to his associates?

Sorry, I can't answer any of these questions. I have no clue what is in your H's mind and whether he loves you or not.

he says the A wasn't about me.

he says it wasn't about me.

he says it isn't about me.

This is correct. It wasn't and isn't about you. Sex addiction is misnamed. It should be called "intimacy avoidance through compulsive sexual behavior". Somehow, something in his brain got rewired when he was young and sex became something that no longer was intertwined with intimacy and love. It became something else.

If you replace the word "sex" with "beer", the answers may be clearer. He would rather drink beer than be with me. Am I ugly?

He kisses my hair and we watch movies together. He says his beer drinking isn't about me. Could that be true?

He avoids sex with you because sex is something different than intimacy.

Do you know what caused him to become a sex addict?

Does he?

The mantra of sex addicts' spouses:

You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't fix it.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS walked out of the house almost a year ago. We have two teenagers who are now estranged from him due to his actions (walking out without saying anything/seeing them, trying to get the kids to feel sorry for him, saying/doing insensitive things). DD18 has not seen him since November and DS14 since February. WS has texted DS14 twice in the past 5 months and does not text DD18.

What would YOU be trying to do to rebuild a relationship with your teens? Is it "normal" for a father to not make any attempts to rebuild?

My stbx has recently contacted my son's therapist out of the blue. And as much as I want to believe he has the right intentions, I feel that he only does it because his attorney told him to or it is around court time. Background info: STBX never wanted custody because he had no "space" for them ~ not even for one of them. Is this normal too?

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and I hope you are able to respond. dmari


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
I FINALLY GOT A COURT DATE: 5/29/14!!

Posts: 1832 | Registered: Oct 2012
Dreamland
♀ Member
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do NOT have a child with this person. I can tell you that the children will pick up on how your M is a sham.
That is only bringing suffering to the Child. Time to walk away and find a real man.
Good luck.


Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For the Reconciled WS who have faced their demons and done the work. Once you found healing and peace with yourself and found yourself to be a strong and happy person...

Do you ever feel that the new person you have become deserves a new relationship not scarred by infidelity?


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better. Reconciled from the A's but still working hard for a better tomorrow.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2429 | Registered: Aug 2012
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 3:34 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you ever feel that the new person you have become deserves a new relationship not scarred by infidelity?

I am not a new person. It doesn't matter whether or not I have a new relationship, my choices will always be a part o who I was and my work and efforts a part of who I am now. Same person, different skill sets.

I wanted to ride horses. When I was a child I had no idea how to do it. I learned through lessons and trial and error. I became experienced and skilled. I wouldn't remove the trials, falls, errors, as I would also be removing my skill I gained by working through them.

I also wouldn't expect anyone else to be ok with my path. Some can see the progress and feel safe the process has made their spouse a safe person. They can build a life with them accepting infidelity is a part of their shared narrative and can see their partner through eyes that register that growth.

Others see the adultery and the person as one in the same forever. They will always be the cheater, the adulterer, the wayward. I honestly don't know why anyone would sentence themselves and another to live in that perpetual PTSD inducing hell that neither can escape. Their rolls, betrayer and betrayed forever cemented and present even though the actions, choices and behaviors are long in the past.

While I may not have reconciled with my spouse I did reconcile with myself and that was no easy task.

[This message edited by uncertainone at 3:38 AM, September 23rd (Monday)]


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 5:24 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chicho,

What UO said.

All my experiences and lessons are part of who I am and I'm having trouble separating it the way you described it. There is no 'new me', just me. New and improved version, maybe, but still me.

I don't think it's a matter of what I deserve. I know that I worked on me to get here, and that LD worked on himself to get where we are, and it is all part of our story. Some chapters are dark and sad, and some are full of joy, but together it makes us. I plan on sticking it out right here .


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 34792 | Registered: Sep 2007
ddame23
♀ New Member
Member # 40407
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's one I can't wrap my head around. My WH states that he could only have had an affair with his particular AP. I'm calling bull on that. I think he could have had an affair with anyone who was avaiilable, and made him feel the way AP did. I know it's may be different for everyone, but I'm wondering what opinions are on this statement.
Thanks in advance.


D Day 4/18/13

Posts: 30 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Coastal Empire, GA
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What does your BH say to back up this statement? What was so 'special' about her?

I went from and EA that ended to a PA that ended to another PA that ended. Each one was a replacement for the other, it could have been anyone.

I think he could have had an affair with anyone who was avaiilable, and made him feel the way AP did.
I completely agree with that. My IC even told me that at the time, that I wasn't 'in love' with AP, I was in love with the feeling.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 34792 | Registered: Sep 2007
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey guys. I need help.

I need to know what he thinks about all day.

This is what I think about. I know he doesn't. He hates it and doesn't think about it.

So what DOES he think about???

Please help me understand this. While I am suffering....what does he think about?


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1039 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
WastedTime12
♀ Member
Member # 34767
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question, I divorced my WH almost a year ago due to alcoholism and AP ohat he just could not go NC with ( found out about the affair in 2009). He lied till I divorced him. He supposedly wants us to be together, we live in different states now. The last time I know he was in contact with her was June 2013. He has a new phone provider now so I am not sure if he is in contact but he went on a "binge" for a couple of weeks, blew me off and told me via text " once the phone is back on, I will let you know and try again. Sorry I have not paid attention to you". I am thinking I do not need him to "try" anymore. My question is, is this someone who wants to be with me? I do not think so, but would like advise. Thank you!!

[This message edited by WastedTime12 at 5:55 PM, September 23rd (Monday)]


Life is meant to be lived, not numbed!

In his quest for freedom, he set me free!


Posts: 61 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
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