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User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 7
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sammy2013,

Here is a link to the healing library for 'Josephs Letter'

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/joseph.asp

Copy it to your browser.

This may help your WS understand or it may not. It always depends on whether his head is still to far up his hiney to think logically. :)


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gipper,

We waywards say some pretty ridiculous things.

Our entire choice to have an affair is propped up on lies and more lies. No one remembers their lies very well. We do remember the truth though. Where we were and what we did is not hard for most to recall, but our words don't always work that way.....

I was downright mean to my BS during my A. My reason? To get her to be mean to me, in order to justify why I was doing this. To get her to file for divorce so I wouldn't look like the bad guy....
I was so irrational.
Such a fool.

I did so much damage with my words that my wife had a hard time believing anything I said early in recovery. She told me she would only judge my actions, because my words had become empty to her....


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
heartbrokeninaz
♀ Member
Member # 40779
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are 4 months out and doing very well. I just have a question of the WS's. My WS A was a ONS with someone we know but are not close with. Is there a difference in why you had an affair or how? Aren't they kind of one and the same? You didn't feel wanted, needed, or whatever the issue was. Is that the same as the how part of it? I do realize in this short time that it takes 2 people who can communicate with eachother to have a good marriage. We had zero communication. Not a good excuse but a valid reason as to why the affair happened or rugsweeping? He did tell me several times before the A he was not happy. I never asked him why or what we needed to work on. He said he felt unloved, unwanted, and not listened to. All very true. Just need to know if that is a valid why and how or if it is bs?

[This message edited by heartbrokeninaz at 4:10 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]


BW 40 (me)
WH 40
DS 6
"Love is patient it is kind"
DDay 07/31/13 ONS with horseface

Posts: 125 | Registered: Sep 2013
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

heartbrokeninaz,

If he knew the person he had the affair with..... I would never call it a ONS, because it was likely premeditated. There may be more to the story?

As far as the state of the marriage. You were both resposible for the condition of the marriage, BUT you are NOT responsible for his choice to have an affair. The Affair is all His!

.....He did tell me several times before the A he was not happy. I never asked him why or what we needed to work on. He said he felt unloved, unwanted, and not listened to. All very true.....

This may well be how he felt prior to his A. But there is more.

He likely has horrible boundaries. This may have been a gradual slide of boundaries or they may have always been horrible?

As far as his why?

Because he felt entitled to seek out pleasure at the expense of his own character.

We make a vow to cherish our wife, for better or for worse. We just chose that when we 'felt' unloved that it was OK go outside of the marriage to meet this need.


Did you 'feel' Loved, Honored, Cherished, prior to his affair? Probably not! Yet you didn't have an affair....

Are his answers going to be good enough for you?

[This message edited by Card at 9:10 AM, October 25th (Friday)]


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
jzkc1502
Member
Member # 40496
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question for any SA WS....

My WH was into calling/texting craigslist escorts for at least 6 months in 2010...during this time was our wedding and our honeymoon in which he called them there and visited a strip club there as well. In total, around 300 calls and just over 200 texts in this time span. After I found out all the grizzly details, which he swears nothing physical ever happened, I went into a shocked "repair mode". Now 3 years later I'm saying to myself I can't get past this and told him the other day I was thinking of asking for D. He flipped out and then started begging and pleading for me to keep going to MC to move past this.

My question if you were a SA, do you think it really is possible it was never physical? How can I ever tell what is a lie and what isn't anymore?
The past 3 years he hasn't done any therpay for himself, can I really believe nothing has happened in that time span?
I'm too terrified to spend the rest of my life with someone like this. If he's willing to lie to me on our honeymoon so he can scoot out to a stripclub what else is he capable of???


Me: BS 29
Him: WH 28
Together: 9 years, married 3
DDay: August 2010
OW: Escorts/Craigslist (escorts and strip club on our honeymoon!)
Status: Divorcing

Posts: 139 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: NJ
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jzkc1502,

My question if you were a SA, do you think it really is possible it was never physical? How can I ever tell what is a lie and what isn't anymore?
The past 3 years he hasn't done any therpay for himself, can I really believe nothing has happened in that time span?

I'd HIGHLY recommend scheduling a lie detector test for him.

If he's really serious, he'll have no problem taking the test. If he's just lying about it all, he'll refuse to take it.
Most waywards sing like a canary just before the test day..... A rare few think they can beat the test, yet they fail.

I'm not sure I'd want to continue in a marriage with a SA either.... unless they create extraordinary accountability, precautions, boundaries, and transparency.... These are all doable, but require a great deal of work on both of your parts.

I'm sorry you find yourself here. You can and will survive this! You are valuable and worth so much more than you can imagine.. :)


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
No12turn2
♂ Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Read a lot about WS who want to R, but not a lot about what to do when they don't. I've filed for D and I really don't want one. I now I'm protecting myself but I still love her and I keep thinking I can wait until she feels remorse for what she did.ATM I'm not sure if she can or will. I need guidance from the WSs here.


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: D train.

Knowing the details doesn't always make you feel satisfied. In my case, it just made me want to burn a perfectly good couch!


Posts: 341 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No12turn2,

Please get the book, 'Surviving An Affair', by Dr. Willard Harley, Jr.

It will give you some practical steps you can take given your current mindset.

There is not much I can offer you other than some encouragement and some Kudos for being willing to fight the good fight for your wife...

Saying a prayer for you!


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No12Turn2,

I think you protecting yourself is the best thing you can do...and really the only thing you CAN do if she doesn't want R. Make sure to protect yourself emotionally as well.

R with someone who doesn't want it is a waste of time and energy.

Good luck and I wish you the best moving forward!


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if I've asked this question before and I apologize if I have.

STBX feels very justified in his affair. He has for a time and is extremely rude and defensive to me, sarcastic or ignores. Pompous and blames me for everything, including current time problems-well, he lives with ow, not me.

My question is that I'm trying to understand this justification because he lies about the marriage we had. It isn't only me that feels this way, BTW.

And I guess my question is multifaceted because I want to know why he still blames me for things when I haven't been part of his life for several years. Maybe is just easiest?

I just feel like, okay, he's away, why make it worse being a jerk?

And another one would be trying to understand the victim mentality (very NPD person). Okay. Thank you for any thoughts.


Ashland 13

The only thing that stays the same, is change. -M. Etheridge


Posts: 1965 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
statistic
♀ Member
Member # 39192
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can someone help me to understand the "best" way to handle this situation? My objective is for my WS to see the light on his own. I am tired of spoon feeding my needs, reasoning with him, and essentially holding his hand as we attempt to make it through the survival stage post DDAY 3 (because of trickle truth, not multiple affairs). One minute he is begging my to come home because he misses and loves us (the baby and I), and the next he gets angry when I ask him pointed questions about the affair. He can handle a question or 2, but grows increasingly angry and asks why the hell I need to know and how is it going to help. I find myself again begging, reasoning, etc to try to get him to see what it is I need.
Last night, I looked at his phone and saw that the OW contacted him by text using a third party's phone. The OW was warning my husband saying "your wife told my husband everything. You need to stand up for yourself and make her stop." She went on and on and on...obviously in panic. Problem is, my husband promised to tell me whenever she made contact with him. I thought we were going to be transparent. He never told me about this. And the use of a third party phone makes me all the more suspicious.

So how does he react? The man who was just sitting next to me and holding out 3 month old? He grabbed the phone, told me that he knows I am only going to overreact, and that I do not have a right to look at his stuff. He then sent me an email:
I'm tired of your guessing.... And I'm tired of your controlling everything I do... I turned everything off because I don't need you spying on me every step. Do what u want and keep converting everything on me. I think I also want to be out of this. I will sign what is my part."

Did you find yourselves reacting in a similar fashion? If so, what did it take for you to see the light? What is going through his head to account for such irrational behavior? Can I expect his head to emerge from wherever it is? Given your own experiences, and that of your spouses, how should I handle this behavior in order to maintain my own sanity and hopefully give him the chance to see how he is prolonging this and hurting me even more. Thank you in advance.


Truth waits for eyes unclouded by longing.

~~Tao Te Ching


Posts: 130 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
nlovemyfamily
♀ Member
Member # 15258
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

would love to hear the benefits of ending A from WS point of view. What has been the pay off in making your family 1st?

Posts: 415 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: nj
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ashland13,

Your H is blaming you for everything because it's convenient.

His goal is to make you look as bad as he knows he looks.

He wants to make sure he justifies his actions, of adultery, with everyone that he comes into contact with. The only way he can do this is to twist and turn every part of your history together to make it appear that he was a victim of your actions or lack thereof, before he chose to move to his OW. Basically he wants others to think you are the cause of all of this..... Lies and half truths, combined with anger and resentments fuel his goal.....

The truth is easy to recognize for those that have half a brain. Active waywards are just liars and cons!

The best way to combat this is to expose the truth to those that are part of your inner circle. Reminding them that you never got a vote on his desire to cheat because he is dishonest. If he ever comes out of this fog, it'll be his job to repair these broken relationships by confessing the truth.


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Statistic,

I'm sorry but your WH is still continuing contact with his OW, and maybe even continuing his adultery... He's fueling his justification to do this by holding onto his anger....

I would recommend that if your going to try to reconcile that you require an anger management course as part of what you need from him. The other requirement will need to be his willingness to be transparent.

Please do not tolerate his back and forth attitude, it usually goes hand in hand with his level of entitlement. It amounts to you accepting crumbs....

Try picking up the book 'Surviving An Affair' for some strategies in dealing with an actively, entitled wayward....

Again, I'm so sorry!


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

would love to hear the benefits of ending A from WS point of view. What has been the pay off in making your family 1st?

Love, Honor, Integrity, Relationship and Family.

Forgot to mention, I also was restored to health. During my A I had stopped taking care of my health...

[This message edited by Card at 4:30 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)]


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
Steppenwolf
♂ Member
Member # 38140
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Statistic,
Did you find yourselves reacting in a similar fashion? If so, what did it take for you to see the light?

I reacted like this when I was still lying and hiding things. Once your WS gets the entire truth out, I suspect he won't be so defensive and irrational. I didn't see the light until I thought it the bulb had burned out.


Me: WS- 30s
Her: BS- 30s RockyMtn



Posts: 126 | Registered: Jan 2013
Uhtred
♂ Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good evening,

First I'd like to thank all the Waywards for answering questions here. I do have a question if anyone has any input.

My ww had a year long dd was 6 months ago with a married man that was 54 years old. She is a member here and posted in the wayward section "my horrible actions".

I have all of the text messages and emails between her and the om. They of course are filled with I love you's, talks of marriage to the other man and basically all the other stuff about sex, nasty pictures, etc..

When I first found out she gave me the reason that she was curious what it was like to be with another man. She has since changed her story to needing validation. I'm not buying it, but maybe I'm wrong. Someone recently posted a question to her and she hasn't answered it because I feel she is in total denial of why she had the affair.

I know none of you are her and couldn't possibly think like her but what does all of this mean? All the talk of love and marriage, the hot sex talk. What am I to make of her reason for validation when she first said she was curious. I'm on the the brink of divorcing her because I just can't get my head on straight to reconcile.

Did any of you really think that you loved the other person? Why is she still in denial? She says she's committed to R but I really do think she is not telling the truth. Please provide some feedback as to your opinion. Have I been lied to so much that I don't want to believe anything she says? I realize I'm not the only one here in pain but this is truly agonizing.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 416 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
SandAway
♀ Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Untred,

I hear your pain in all of your posts.

As you said, none of us can speak for your WW, but perhaps she was 'in love' with the excitement and attention she was getting. She was in a fantasy land of 'what ifs'. It started with the AP sending her messages that brought attention to her, making her curious about him. This leads to validation. It was new and exciting and the endorphins that get stirred up are pretty powerful. As I said, perhaps she was in love with the feelings it stirred more then actually being in love with the AP.

I am sure that she is quite embarrassed by it all. At the time of the A, she was flying high and it was all about her. Now that it is in the open, she has to face reality.

Is she in IC? It may give her a safe place to start working through this.


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 404 | Registered: Dec 2012
No12turn2
♂ Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WW Doesn't really want to R right now. She is set on moving out and getting her own life before she will even consider us. This has me going insane. See the rest of my story on my profile and on the topic called the high road in General forum.

Question:
I think she is still in the fog. Is there anything the BS can do to help clear the fog?


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: D train.

Knowing the details doesn't always make you feel satisfied. In my case, it just made me want to burn a perfectly good couch!


Posts: 341 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question:
I think she is still in the fog. Is there anything the BS can do to help clear the fog?

There are a great deal of things you can do, but choosing a 180 requires you to do nothing....

That's why I believe a 180 is a mistake for most men.

Your wife likely felt neglected by you. She has no love for you and is going searching for herself, like most fogged out waywards. IMVHO, She is probably lying about the NC or she would be putting forth some effort with recovery....


I would highly recommend you seek out the book, 'Surviving An Affair', by Dr. Willard Harley, Jr.

In this book he has two plans for helping the BS. He calls them Plan A and Plan B..... Again, IMVHO, You are in serious need of his Plan A

I believe you will find the entire book custom fit for your situation....

Be Well!

[This message edited by Card at 2:06 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)]


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
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