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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 7
Card
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Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a another WS question
How is it you can lie and lie over and over to the same questions when a BS is asking for answers? Are there some things you'd never disclose?


During the time of my adultery, I rarely told the truth. I was only concerned about covering my ass. When a wayward is willing to betray the one person they promised to love, honor and cherish, lying is really just a natural piece of that betrayal.


Once in recovery, I never lied again.
There is nothing I haven't disclosed.

There was a false recovery in the middle of my adultery. I lied and withheld information during that false recovery because it would have hurt me and potentially hurt my AP. I was worried about me and my AP.... (I know, makes everyone want to gag) My integrity was obviously the last thing on my mind....


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

<<<BUMP>>>

Question for the wayward spouses who have reconciled or are in the process of reconciling with their betrayed spouses:

Do you consider your BS to be plan B since things did not work out with your AP?


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

<<<BUMP>>>
Question for the wayward spouses who have reconciled or are in the process of reconciling with their betrayed spouses:

Do you consider your BS to be plan B since things did not work out with your AP?

DD,

My wife is not a backup plan.
She's the real thing!

Most affairs crash.
I've seen estimates that up to 95% crash within two years.
They crash because the the reality of life collides with the fantasy of the affair. The affair never was the first choice to begin with, it was the second choice, a horrible choice at that.... It was just a bad plan...
Affairs do not survive because they are a false copy, a forgery of a real marriage.

DD, You are NOT the backup plan! You're wayward wife is not the backup plan either!

You both made vows.... She broke, them.... I pray you can mend them and get back to the authentic plan of, till death do you part.....

God Bless!!!



WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How is it you can lie and lie over and over to the same questions when a BS is asking for answers? Are there some things you'd never disclose?

I never repeatedly lied about the same questions, but then again my XH never asked very many questions. As for whether there are some things I'd never disclose: I would answer any question my XH ever had, at any point either now or in the future. However, I would be selective in how I answered the question---I wouldn't phrase an answer in the most hurtful way possible, for example. But I would be honest.

<<<BUMP>>>

Question for the wayward spouses who have reconciled or are in the process of reconciling with their betrayed spouses:

Do you consider your BS to be plan B since things did not work out with your AP?

Well, I did not stick around with the AP after D-day to see if it would have worked out, but my bet was that it wouldn't have. Not due to personality or knowing how we'd be "in real life" since we had already dated prior to me meeting and marrying my XH, but because of the taint of having had an affair. I don't think that's something that a couple can TRULY get over, despite knowing that there are couples whose relationship/marriage started as an affair.

During the affair, yes, my XH was "plan B" in the sense that had I known my AP/ex-boyfriend would have one day been interested in re-starting a legitimate relationship, I would never have even met my XH, let alone married him. When the AP/ex and I dated openly, I believed that he was "the one" and I was crushed when he broke up with me. I dated my XH on the rebound (started dating just months after AP/ex and I broke up from legit relationship) and rushed into marriage with him (married just one year after we met). Looking back, I was trying to salve my pain of the breakup with AP/ex with someone else---something that we all know from experience rarely works out well. At the time, I could not be alone. I was extremely insecure and ill at ease with myself and thought that attaching myself to a man would validate me.

Even while XH and I were first dating, if the AP/ex had spoken up like a man (as he said later he wished he had), I probably would have broken it off with XH/then-boyfriend to give AP/ex's and my relationship another shot. I was, to use an antiquated phrase, dead gone on him. It was, and still is, embarrassing. But he didn't speak up until two years into marriage with XH, and I began the affair that ended my M.

I was tempted, during the affair, to leave my XH for the AP. Deluded as I was, I thought there was a chance at a relationship if I could get away with ending the M and starting up with AP with no one the wiser. Yeah, didn't work out that way. He still wanted to try after D-day; by that time my head was out of my ass and I said no way. I knew it couldn't work. The stain of how it would have started would never have gone away. Plus, it would have been (in my humble opinion) even MORE disrespectful to my XH than the actual cheating was, for me to then openly date the man who contributed to ruining his marriage. No way.

Is XH plan B now? Certainly not. We've been divorced for 3 1/2 years. We each had another relationship before we got back together. His didn't work out, mine didn't work out; when he approached me about possible R I was receptive. And so here we are, having been reconciling for a year and a half. We're not each other's safety net or plan B---at least not in terms of another person being plan A. We might be each other's plan B in the sense of being together because we're both too damn tired of being beat down by the world and by other screwed-up relationships that we figure we're better together than alone or dealing with the bullshit---but no other person is plan A for me, and I'd say the same for him.

Hope that helps (sorry for the novel, but it was a complicated question for me).

Edited to add: and I no longer believe in any such thing as "the one."

[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 6:34 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)]


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
heartbroken0903
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Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my question is how many other WS decided that it was time for them to step up only when BS decided they were done. and was it sincere or just out of fear?

<raising hand> Me, me!

Yep, this was me. It took XH divorcing me for me to wake up---he didn't give me a chance to "step" up. He was done.

It was sincere, and he saw this which is why he finally wanted to R.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
DefeatedDad
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Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is XH plan B now? Certainly not. We've been divorced for 3 1/2 years. We each had another relationship before we got back together. His didn't work out, mine didn't work out; when he approached me about possible R I was receptive. And so here we are, having been reconciling for a year and a half. We're not each other's safety net or plan B---at least not in terms of another person being plan A. We might be each other's plan B in the sense of being together because we're both too damn tired of being beat down by the world and by other screwed-up relationships that we figure we're better together than alone or dealing with the bullshit---but no other person is plan A for me, and I'd say the same for him.

Hope that helps (sorry for the novel, but it was a complicated question for me).

Edited to add: and I no longer believe in any such thing as "the one."

Wow thats a wild ride. It sounds to me like the two of you are each others Plan A NOW.

Heartbroken, just my opinion but it seems to me like you have done alot of growing up over the last couple of years and I think its great that your XH loved you enough to reach out to you to rebuild the relationship. I think looking at each other as your plan Bs is a cynical mentality both of you need to get over.

It may be that the reason the interim relationships the two of you had after D failed because you both knew deep down you belonged together. I hope the growth of this new relationship continues.


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, Defeated Dad. I do agree we need to get over that cynicism, and I appreciate your kind wishes for the future of our relationship. I certainly hope for the same for you and your wife, if that is what you desire.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
heartbroken2012
♀ Member
Member # 38089
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wh and i got into a fight yesterday. Bad one. I walk way out of my way to avoid seeing the OW in the cold. I did and we still saw her, I got mad and upset. We argued. He said I need to be over it...it happened a year ago, he is trying to show me that he is the same person and devoted if I let him, I have zero trust in him, he wants his old wife back..the happy one, he shouldnt have told me about the A then things would be ok, i always take digs at him, im never happy and that he is as unhappy as he was before the A. He says its stupid I walk way out of my way in the cold to avoid the OW, and i will never get over it and I am constantly, every day telling him and texting him at work and all the time that I am thinking bad thoughts and that I am in control of my own thoughts and maybe I need to go on depression meds...but then rethought it and changed his mind. He said i HAVE to change.
I told him that he and i are not the same people, I am hurting still, and will get over it eventually, I hate that the OW might be in his group more, and I disagree with the not telling me because that would be lying still and not right, i do recognize he is doing good things, but he gets so defensive, and I want to tell him when im thinking bad things. I told him seeing the OW bothers me and fills me with anger, and I would go on depression meds, and that I want him to be happy with me. I asked him what he meant by I HAD to change...what if I didnt...was he threatening to leave me? I said how am i supposed to believe someone that tells me he will never leave me, but threatens to leave me every fight?


Im at a loss. I love him, and want him, but he seems to be being so mean.

SO I thought maybe its ME thats being so mean? Ive heard of WS talking about they need to take the consequences but NOT be the BS's punching bag? Maybe I am making him the punching bag? Maybe I do need to move to forgiveness I mean he keeps NC and he is more involved. I just think he is so selfish and still trying to justify what he did...

Im so confused and hurt.

Then when I met him at break, I made a comment about his coworkers, about how they act like they are 5, and he got mad and said that I didnt know what I was talking about like always....

Im just so sad.



BS(Me) - 32
WS(HUbbie) - 40
OW - 44 (a ugly, old, white trash horse faced Coworker)
Affair was 2 months long
3 kids - 5yr old, and twins 8 months
Dday - 12/25/12 (lots of signs before I should have seen)

Posts: 466 | Registered: Jan 2013
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

heartbroken I don't know your backstory but why is your WH still in a situation where he is exposed to the OW? Do they work for the same company? Where did this happen?


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 10:24 AM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DefeatedDad...

This thread is strictly for BS to ask questions of WS's. It is not intended for BS's to engage with each other.

Thank you


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 192070 | Registered: May 2002
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DefeatedDad...
This thread is strictly for BS to ask questions of WS's. It is not intended for BS's to engage with each other.

Thank you

K.


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im at a loss. I love him, and want him, but he seems to be being so mean.

SO I thought maybe its ME thats being so mean? Ive heard of WS talking about they need to take the consequences but NOT be the BS's punching bag? Maybe I am making him the punching bag? Maybe I do need to move to forgiveness I mean he keeps NC and he is more involved. I just think he is so selfish and still trying to justify what he did...

Im so confused and hurt.

IMVHO, Your WH is not on the recovery bandwagon. He's still engaged in selfish and entitled behaviors and attitudes.

From what I can see, you're not using him as a punching bag at all..... It looks more like he's using you for a doormat.


Until I engaged in reading some marital recovery material, I was stuck in the quagmire of my self pity. Sounds a bit like your WH is living in that too....

A repentant WH would be doing whatever it takes to hepl the recovery process along. He would be taking the lead to learn about and repair the damages that he created. Instead he is wallowing in self centered, self pity....

Please take care of yourself.
Pamper yourself a bit, you deserve so much better than what your accepting as your normal....



WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SO I thought maybe its ME thats being so mean? Ive heard of WS talking about they need to take the consequences but NOT be the BS's punching bag? Maybe I am making him the punching bag? Maybe I do need to move to forgiveness I mean he keeps NC and he is more involved. I just think he is so selfish and still trying to justify what he did...

You don't sound as though you are being "mean" or making him the punching bag. You sound as though you are explaining to him what you need to heal and he's not following through.

As Card said, a remorseful FWS will be proactive and look for ways to work on fixing themselves, the M, and helping their BS heal. A remorseful WS will not say get over it, it's in the past, aren't you over this by now?, etc.

Your healing takes as long as it takes, period. And your H needs to realize that it will take a HELL of a lot longer with his attitude. It doesn't seem as though he realizes that yet.

and that I am in control of my own thoughts

I disagree with this. People can control their own actions...not always their own thoughts. Even though I was the WS, my XH wants me to control my thoughts about crappy behavior of his (not related to my A). I told him he's full of shit. I can control how I react to those thoughts and what actions I take, but if I think something negative, I think it, dammit.

Does your H grasp that his actions are the reason for your thoughts about his OW/his affair? And that you wouldn't have these thoughts if he hadn't done what he did?


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
heartbroken2012
♀ Member
Member # 38089
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes it doesnt seem like my WH understands HE caused me to have these feelings, and bad thoughts etc. I would have never had them and been bugging him for questions if he hadnt done what he did.

You both said that he should do whatever it takes to make me feel better, and I guess he is doing SOME things...he maintained NC, and he transferred away from the group she was in so they didnt work together (she just got moved to his new group..thats another story), and he suggested that I tell the OW to tell her husband or I would...in the beginning, and he eats lunch with me every day and avoids contact with women, but he wont go to counseling, he thinks we should be done talking about it, and he gets defensive.

To top it off, and this has been bothering me lately, he never wants to have sex. Its like he is never in the mood...even when I initiate it or mention it he doesnt want to, and its making me feel horrible as he had sex with the OW once a week, and between then gave her oral.

Im really feeling like something is wrong with me, and I have TRIED to tell him its really bothering me.

He tells me that I just need to give him a chance to prove to me that he has changed and that he wont let it happen again.


BS(Me) - 32
WS(HUbbie) - 40
OW - 44 (a ugly, old, white trash horse faced Coworker)
Affair was 2 months long
3 kids - 5yr old, and twins 8 months
Dday - 12/25/12 (lots of signs before I should have seen)

Posts: 466 | Registered: Jan 2013
devotedfool68
♂ Member
Member # 38047
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When you have completely shut off your feelings for your BS for so long (year), how do you suddenly start caring again?

Posts: 114 | Registered: Jan 2013
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In following heartbroken's post, I have a question about the sex.

Part 1) Did any WSs here do things sexually with their AP's that they had refused to do before the A with their SOs?

If so, what was the rationalization for why it was okay to do these things with the AP and not your SOs?

Part 2) After DDay, did any WSs still refuse to do these sexual things with their SO?


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You both said that he should do whatever it takes to make me feel better, and I guess he is doing SOME things...he maintained NC, and he transferred away from the group she was in so they didnt work together (she just got moved to his new group..thats another story), and he suggested that I tell the OW to tell her husband or I would...in the beginning, and he eats lunch with me every day and avoids contact with women, but he wont go to counseling, he thinks we should be done talking about it, and he gets defensive.

To top it off, and this has been bothering me lately, he never wants to have sex. Its like he is never in the mood...even when I initiate it or mention it he doesnt want to, and its making me feel horrible as he had sex with the OW once a week, and between then gave her oral.


heartbroken2012,

IT's just my opinion, but when AP's still work together, the affair is still actively triggering them. Their emotions and the flame that they created are still burning. (I know, makes you want to throw up)
Personally, I would still consider the affair active as long as they work together.
Until your H finds a new job it will never end.

You have so many red flags in your story that I believe your H is still actively engaged in his affair with this OW or else another.....



WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
iwillNOT
♀ Member
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's becoming more and more clear that a significant part of why my WH chose to cheat was because of a need for external validation, due to childhood issues. My question is, was this part of why you cheated, and how does one overcome this need?

Thank you in advance for any light you can shed.


Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 413 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's becoming more and more clear that a significant part of why my WH chose to cheat was because of a need for external validation, due to childhood issues. My question is, was this part of why you cheated, and how does one overcome this need?

I could easily blame my affair on my childhood issues. I was verbally & physically abused, my father was an alcoholic, I used drugs from the age of 11 yrs old, porn was allowed in the house, dad cheated on mom, mom cheated on dad, they divorced when I was 15, etc, etc., etc.,

But here's the thing, I wasn't a child when I cheated and committed adultery.

I knew it was wrong to commit adultery.

I made vows to love, honor and cherish my wife. And I was an adult when I made this vow. I wasn't a child and I knew what this vow meant

The slippery slope; I had excuse after excuse for my lousy boundaries and felt entitled to do whatever I wanted. And I even knew it really hurt my wife that I had such lousy boundaries.

All this to say, I don't believe childhood causes us to choose adultery. I believe ENTITLEMENT, thoughtlessness, resentment fueled by hurt and neglect from our spouse, combined with lousy boundaries, are underlying reasons for our careless choice.

As far as needing external validation...... I wish I had a nickle for every time I hear about this.

External validation, or as I call it, "the need of admiration", is a valid need.

When my wife and I began recovering from infidelity, we used a marital recovery program called Marriage Builders. It is a great program. It was the tool that saved our marriage. All this to say, I learned about the need of 'Admiration". I learned it was my number one top need! Another author, Gary Chapman, calls this a need for 'Words of Affirmation", but it's a valid need for much more than just words....

We all have life experiences that influence the priority of these needs. But, we all have needs as adults. Now whether we choose to treat our marital needs as a renters agreement or as a buyers agreement is still a choice. Renters will treat a house much different than a buyer will! It's the same in marriage...

My LOUSY boundaries allowed me to let all kind of people meet my need of admiration, and often in inappropriate ways..... This had to change immediately in recovery. And the marriage builders program helped with this. Admiration needed to be met almost exclusively by my wife. This was going to be a tough order though, I'd just destroyed any admirable qualities with my adulterous actions... But we put a plan together anyways... And we've been successful with it...

Today I know my actions were not, a "mistake", an "accident", a "slip up", a "drinking event", or whatever else waywards want to call it... My actions were an adult choice, made by a man that knew the consequences and felt entitled enough to commit adultery and selfishly allow another woman to meet his needs.


IMO, we don't overcome this need for external validation, words of affirmation, or as I call it, Admiration..... We learn how to create healthy boundaries in order to make sure this need is met in the exclusive context of the marriage....

"Boundaries in a Marriage" is a great book by, Dr.'s Clound & Townsend... I highly recommend it.

If your interested in learning about the needs I mentioned, you can find them discussed in detail in the book, His Needs, Her Needs, by Dr. Willard Harley Jr.

The other author I mentioned is Gary Chapman, he wrote the book, "The Five Love Languages". I like it but prefer, "His Needs Her Needs" because of the detail in it...

My prayers go with you....


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
statistic
♀ Member
Member # 39192
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear any fWS's reading this weekend. I've been posting under the JFO forum under "I was right all along." My WH jumps from apologetic to angry and hostile. He gets frustrated with me bc I'm "always in a bad mood" or I "will always question him." He told me to fuck off, then says he didn't mean it because it was out of anger and this is a hard time for him too. He always apologizes once the damage is done.

Did you go through moments where you swung from hot to cold after the affair was outed? If so, why? Or is my WH just a jerk? Sometimes I think he cannot tolerate the reality of what he's done and he acts out.

Do you think WS's such as he realize later on how they ruined the gift of R ? What did it take for you to realize the impact of not only the affair, but the impact of your actions/inaction after the affair was discovered?

I am not asking to see if there is something worth waiting for. Or is it easy to just blame me since I'm in such a bad mood all the time and demanding things any other BS would? He is not remorseful for longer than 5 minutes and puts forth minimal effort considering the offense and acts like I should be satisfied. I realize I'm asking for something that's impossible to answer. I'm drowning here and wish I knew that at some point, his painful actions will catch up to him when he realizes he threw away his wife of 10 years and 4 month old daughter. Thanks to any of you who respond.


Truth waits for eyes unclouded by longing.

~~Tao Te Ching


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