It really is a simple statement. There is no place in our marriage for three people. Are you in or are you out? You are either married to me and we are exclusive in our relationship, or you are divorced and free to screw anyone you want. Choose now and live with the consequences. And then you make sure that you don't back down. You are not a second-choice woman. (((hugs)))
D-Day, June 10, 2012
Welcome to SI. Your going to be OK. Strap those there boots on and stand your ground. Do not relinquish. If you fall we are here to help you up. You need a shoulder to cry on, you will find it here. You have an army behind you and some incredibly knowledgeable advisors. (A little blunt sometimes but caring) Keep strong and keep posting.
Strength to you.
You know he will do his best to gaslight and get nasty. You have seen the truth with your own eyes.
DD 6/26/10 (he broke down & confessed)
DD#2 3/14/11 H in OW's car
TT 7/1/11 (NC broken, through emails)
Trust is earned,not given freely. You did that..gave your trust freely..and he destroyed that. And continuing to call,text,facebook,email,and meet up with his OW is NOT earning your trust back.
If he is mad because you wont move forward,tell him you refuse to move forward with a husband who has a girlfriend.
You are not stalking him. You are his wife. If he has a girlfriend,which he does,you have every right to know. This concerns YOUR life,and YOUR marriage.
Stay strong. I like those bitch boots on you...they look fabulous!
[This message edited by confused615 at 3:33 PM, October 12th (Friday)]
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.
Always, tell the other BS! Always!
"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!
Sometimes holding your cards close turns out to be better than not, in the long run. But you have to do what's right for you. You're lucky you found this place at this time. There's a wealth of good information and advice from people who have been exactly where you are. As much as I'm glad you found us--I'm terribly, terribly sorry you're here.
Sorry I am coming in late to this conversation, but I think maybe I can help.
At the beginning of this thread, you posted about your fears - fears of being alone, never meeting someone else, etc. There are probably a few more mixed in there too.
You have been spinning your wheels trying to make your M work with a man who has two faces, maybe more. All your energy is being poured into, what is he doing, who is he doing it, and why the heck is he doing it all the while telling me he loves me and wants it to work? Crazy-making, mind-zapping, energy-tapping stuff!!!
You will be far better off, GUARANTEED, if you WORK THROUGH YOUR OWN FEARS rather than running in the opposite direction of them (which is right back into a M with a liar and a cheat.)
If you work through your own fears of being alone, with an IC, Life Coach, self help seminars, Divorce Support groups, whatever, then he will no longer have power over you.
I am 45, recently single, with two kids, a shitload of bills, and too many pets. I didn't have to make the tough decision to leave, because my X beat me to it. I know what it is like to hang on in the hopes that he will pull his head out of his ass and change.
Letting go is hard.
My X still hangs a dangling carrot of What if, or if you choose to follow me, suggesting he would be open to restarting a relationship in a year or so.
I have to let go of that thought every day. Because even though being alone isn't easy, it has a LOT of positives!!! Like not being treated like a pile half the time, not being taken for granted, not being left alone at home while he did what he wanted.
You can do this. If not now, then soon. Work with your fears, get your feet under you, then take the leap.
I tried to show him the proof but he changed his password. I printed it at work Friday but he doesn't know!
We got through the evening with our children not knowing what's going on. Friday I had also composed a letter about my feelings (not that he cares) but he never lets me get them out. I always end up cowering and not getting to say how I really feel. I gave him the letter and there was barely a response. He said he would leave after the kids went to bed but he didn't. I slept in the spare room and didn't say a word all night to him. I got ready for work this morning and didn't say a whole lot. He called me and text me on my way to work and since I've been at work, I think trying to draw me in. He is still denying and blaming me. I tried to tell him I would listen to whatever it is that is going on with her and that we can't fix it until he acknowledges it. He is doing the threatening to take me off all accounts and that fun stuff but I don't care there really isn't much there anyway.
Good for you for speaking up for yourself! This is the first step. Go 180 as he is going to intensify his pressure in you.
Also, you don't have to have continual confrontations. Tell him that you are not going to discuss it further. If he continues contact with the OW, you will exit the marriage. And then walk away.
And I find his implication that you are a bad mother because you have caught him cheating to be abhorrent. Do NOT listen to that. Consider each statement of that nature to be poison. Don't let it into your system.