She then was also raped by a boyfriend quite a few times during a abusive relationship, through their time together of about 3 years. Another time she was raped by an older man, when she stayed at his and his wifes house. The wife left for work in the morning and he raped her. She claims she was too afraid to stop him.
Another time she says she went home with a couple of guys after her 18th birthday, and you guessed it the guy raped her. Another time she was physically touched and this is the only time she laid charges, and the man was sent to jail. So a lot happenned to her before we got together. She never got much support from her family etc. or counselling to help with this.
We got together and it was all fun and such. She told me about her past problems, and i was fine with it. She was always extremely touchy, and edgy. One little disagreement and she would go off, many times punching and hitting me etc. Getting on with this we got together in 1995.
Around 1998, i went away for a weekend to my parents, and she didnt come because we had one of those little disagreements before. So she stayed home, we had a male flatmate. I went away and came home. She was so happy to see me. But very insistent in going to new years where this flatmate was. We got there, and that night, she said she wanted to break up. So we kinda did, but not really, and we had new years together with the flatmate at a few nightclubs. We came home, for a few days before the flatmate came back. Over the next few weeks we got back together. About a few weeks later the flatmate moved out.
Fast forward to 2000, and my wife became pregnant with our first child. She suffered a lot of depression, i was working long hours, and no support from her family. We had our second child in 2003, depression really bad after this as well.In 2004 we had our first (really second problem). My wife went with friends and their 15 year old nephew away for the day, as I couldnt get babysistting for our child. She came home and over the next few days behaved weird and got many text messages on our mobile, but wouldnt show me.
At the third day I came home. And she told me to sit down. She had been caught out by the 15 years old sisters who read his phone and told their mum. The mum told our friend that if my wife didnt stop what she was doing she would tell me. They had basically been sexting each other to the point where she was organising for him to leave school at lunchtime and meet at our house, whilst i was at work and the child was in babysitting. I was shocked and heartbroken. Didnt know at the time but I was too weak,and she really didnt get any consequences for it. A bit later we were having a fight, and she blurted out, no wonder i didnt tell you about me and the flatmate sleeping in his bed that night you went to your parents. She claims she was upset, and needed someone in the bed. She claims nothing happenned. Her version of events is he tried to get her drunk, so guess what she slept in his bed, but they didnt touch each other. She didnt even like him apparently. I rang this guy, and he said nothing happenned that night, but they did have sex later. When I said to him, he better not be lying, he said he has nothing to gain from telling me lies. She has continually denied this. Okay another thing to give me nightmares over. How the hell can you do that, again i really didnt give her consequences. I do know they never communicated again after he moved out.
We never really got going properly again. I always mulled over everything, occasionally just bluring out stuff about this to hurt her at times. She was still very depressed, on and off medication etc. Still physically abusive etc to me.
2009 she begins a emotional affair on facebook with another guy(45 year old) from overseas. Goes on for about 3 months before i had enough of her spending all her time on facebook, and i installed a spy program, and got copies of all her conversations. I hit her with it and she went off her head even to the point of saying she would hurt the kids. I rang the police and they took her to hospital for an assessment. They said she was fine and wouldnt hurt the kids. I sent her packing to her parents and she stayed there for about 3 days before she came home, and we sorta swept it under the carpet. She has over all this time quite a few times threatening suicide, been admitted to hospital a few times.
Now I did something stupid. I started confiding things in my mates wife. Now there is no way in hell i am attracted to her. But she was good to talk to. It was basically her saying flirty stuff, and me not stopping her. I never said i wanted her or wanted to do anything. But she did send me photos and video of herself. She is an extremely damaged woman who cheats constantly.
I guess the attention made me feel good. In the end i told my wife about what was going on, just after the woman told me she loved me. There is no way in hell, anything would of happenned or would of. But yes I can say i guess i had an emotional affair of my own then.
Late last year she needs to go to here aunties place to help her female 14 year old cousin who has been sexually assaulted. Her cousin was going to court. I began to feel funny when she acted weird on her text messages etc. She rings me on the day before she was coming home, and says she was bringing her 17 year old male cousin home for a few weeks. i say no, i just lost my father, i dont want anyone here. She in the end says ok, i wont bring him. Next morning she rings, and says he's coming i dont care what you say.
Well they get here and over the next few days , not much, just feeling uncomfortable as they seem to be way too touch feely for cousins. On the wednesday night, she tells me she wants him to move in, as it would be much better for him here as he doesnt like it at his mothers. We fight, and i say no way. Next night i go into the computer room , and find him on the seat perched behind my wife. I go off, but she just says i am being silly. He stays for another week, i dont know why or how i let him stay, but nothing major, but small stuff that cousins dont do . REMEMBER i was at work during the day but who knows.
Also whilst he was here i kept saying to her , that what looked to be going on wasnt right, and she kept saying you are being silly. You need help maybe you need to see a shrink, you are going crazy. Weeks later she tell whilst she was at her aunties, the 17 year old male cousin (who has autism, and is a drug user etc, dropkick) told her he wanted to sleep with her. She said she was feeling attracted to him (apparently they have an emotional connection) but told him she couldnt because she was married and he was her cousin. During this time they were still talking on phone and texting. Also i told her mother about this and his mother, but they dismissed it. My wife even made me apoligize to him and his mother for suggesting this stuff was going onBeen a year now, we have done some counselling etc, but nothing really going there. She hasnt had any contact with him since. Says she doesnt even think about him. She says how silly she was, and doesnt know why i stay with her.
We are just going through the motions. I always ponder over whether she has had sex with the cousin, or the flatmate. She has always denied this, even at points where she is so broken down emotionally she is going to kill herself.
I dont really know what to do. I do love her, but always in the back of my mind is all this crap. year. Any thoughts.
[This message edited by annoyedman1976 at 11:47 PM, November 21st (Wednesday)]
It's so hard to exist when your gut is telling you one thing so loudly, and everyone else denies it. I know that feeling.
It sounds like there are many things going on with your wife. In your counseling, have you brought up your concerns with your wife having some boundary issues and that you think that her choices might be due to her past of being raped? For a counselor can only work with the knowledge that they have. Her outbursts of anger and violence should be brought out too, as well as her bouts of depression. She might bring out issues about you too so you'll have to think if they are real or if they are attempts to take the focus off of her.
Since the computer and phone show no irregular activity then it is possible that she has gone "underground" or has ceased. Her behaviors in other areas may be a clue into which of the 2 is correct.
Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless
We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.
It sounds like a lot of raping going on before you met her. Not saying it isn't true, just wondering how someone could put themselves in that situation so many times with so many different people.
This is what I thought too, when I read the post. Was she just imagining it, or was she lying? A woman who has been raped is usually very careful about who she hangs around or becomes involved with and is careful about the situations she allows herself to get into. I'm not saying it can't be true, but I think it's highly unlikely. What does she call rape? Be careful.
If she has suicide thoughts, there is a clue that she is unstable.
You do have a choice. You don't have to feel obligated to stay with her, even though it seems like nothing is going on right now; there may be something going on or there may not be. It's really hard to tell. My point is, don't feel like you have to stay with her just because it's been a year since there have been signs. Sometimes it takes a person a year, sometimes longer, to process everything enough to make a decision, and that's okay.
Walk a Mile In My Shoes
Married 14 yrs. Now Separated & in NC
2 grown DD's - his from previous M
4 grown kids (2DS, 2DD) mine from previous M
IMO, she needs some time away from you, and you need some time away from her, and you both need to work on your own personal issues. At that point, maybe then you guys can work on your issues together. That's just my opinion though. Either way, your wife needs some serious, and long term, help.
She seems to have a thing for under aged young men.
I think her stories or multiple rapes are suspicious.
She has threatened to harm innocent children.
She is physically abusive.
She threatens suicide as a way to manipulate you into shutting up about her bad behaviors.
Insist she got to IC..and that she signs a release for the IC to talk to you.
This woman is unstable. And possibly dangerous.
((((annoyedman and kids))))
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
Unfortunately, I am suspicious of all her claims of rape. Not saying it didn't happen because I wasn't there and anything is possible but usually a rape victim is very cautious around men and tries to stay out of situations that she would have no control over. She seriously needs to be in intensive IC and possibly meds. She may still be a danger to you, herself, and your children. It is your responsibility to protect your children from harm and since she has threatened them in the past you need to ensure their safety.
She is acting very inappropriate with young males and possibly criminally if she had sex with an underaged teen. How do you know what actually occurred with the 15 yr old or the 17 yr old cousin?
Are you sure your children will be safe from all forms of harm until they reach adulthood? You have a huge mess on your hands and you cannot fix it or repair it on your own. You need help and you need it fast. Please reach out to social services and take advantage of their programs, they are there to help families like you. Again, I am so very sorry for your pain.
I myself will be getting some IC to help me deal with this. Nothing definately happenned with the 15 year old, it was caught quickly by that boys sisters and their mother told. My wife came clean with it then. If it had of gone sexual, she could of been locked up. She still told me not long ago, that if anything did happen, it was only going to affect her. I said what a load of crap, it would of impacted us all.
I dont know where to go with her. She hasnt worked basically since she fell pregnant with the first child. Now she has a stomach problem, which means she is in constant pain. Dont think I want to live with this for the rest of my life.
She does love the kids very much, and I dont think she would ever hurt them..
The cousin thing, this is just sick. She told me that she didnt mean to go down there and fall in love. Who knows if they did have sex, she denies it. But she constantly lied about this and a lot of other stuff. So who would know.
Dont know how she could do that to us, when she seemed fine when she went. All just too much at the moment, 1 year after this.
Any thoughts on getting the wife to do a polygraph to see if she has in fact sexually cheated on me, not that it really matters. But it does to me.
Firstly, I am so sorry you find yourself here. although this is the best place to deal with infidelity.
Second, Please contact your local domestic violence abuse shelter for recommendations on therapists for you and your wife.
Her sexual assaults have left her with very poor boundaries.. (it may be a family thing, regarding the cousin) and a lot of sexual assault victims handle things very polar opposite. One may be very leary around men... another may feel that if she controls the sexual encounters-she is in control and not a victim.
It is convoluted, but getting her the proper therapist will help her and you.
I will leave the polygraph till after she has been to a new psychologist, and it seems to be getting somewhere.
She seems to be very sorry for her actions, we will see how we go.
[This message edited by annoyedman1976 at 11:51 PM, November 21st (Wednesday)]
But how can i let him get away with it. Seems in most cases i read there is a spouse on the other person.
My wife seems to pick single and generally young people to do this with. I am nearly too ashamed to tell say the cousins friends etc. It will come back at me all over facebook etc.
Maybe i am trying to save face, as i am too embarassed by it all.
So hard at the moment.
Are you ok with her possibly figuring out who you are and reading your posts? That is the only issue I personally have. It would take away SI as my safe place. My H said he wasn't interested in posting, just reading what I say. At that point it's not a tool for him to use to fix himself, it's just him monitoring my healing. Like reading a journal. I don't read his journal because that is his place to work on his healing. This is my place to work on mine.
If you think she is truly remorseful and willing to do the hard work for R, and she is in IC, then please send her to the WS forum. There are lots of us willing to help! You just need a few ground rules about both being on SI. Some of the SI couples on here have a really good system between them and it's because they have an agreement and follow it.
I had a good session. She seems to think i maybe just staying for the children. Kinda relates back she says to my mother who stayed for so long with multiple infidelites by my father.
My wife still doesnt want to talk about past events with me, says she will talk to the psychologist. She doesnt want to go there, its too painful apparently. So that leaves me in limbo, because I know she has only told me a little of the total story.