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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 30
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, November 7th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just dropping in quick to give hugs to all.

Lost power for over a week due to the hurricane. I have people staying with me from Breezy Point NY who lost everything.... 5 feet of water in the house. (not basement, the house itself) Lost thier car. My son and his girlfriend had 3 feet of water in their house too.

And now this Nor'easter. The lights just flickered now....keeping my fingers crossed. We were living like pioneers for the week, gathering firewood for the woodburning stove....

Thank God, NPD is overseas right now. Couldn't put up with his neediness with everything else going on.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
manybrokenpieces
♀ Member
Member # 37055
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, November 7th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad to hear some of our east coasties are getting things a little easier with power at least.

I have missed a lot, so just want to say
to (((cdnmommy))). I am fortunate to not personally struggled with infertility issues, but I understand wanting another child & I too resent that fact that I feel I have been robbed of that chance. WH didn't want another child--it would seem that as they grow up & head off to school, it gave him more freedom to fuck around. I continued taking my birth control to not become pregnant because it is what HE wanted & I we both needed to agree on something so important as another child--I completely get that! I have even told my WH in the beginning that I HATE him for stealing the joy of another baby from me because now I am not even certain at times that I want him. I am struggling now (about 7 months out) in coming to terms with the fact that HE could do this. I don't have a burning desire to know the details anymore, just HOW? But I don't want to burden you with all that.

Just know that I understand the resentment. I understand the pain and I hate that you are burdened with the extra physical & emotional hurdles and stress of infertility. It is simply not fair & I commend you for the path you have chosen. The extra hormonal issues that come with this may intensify your feelings--do you tell have an IC you are seeing?

I think it is great that you acknowledge your feelings. This is the first step to moving on. I don't know how to get past the resentment because I still have it, but I think it is something to acknowledge it--It takes courage to say those things when others are encouraging you to toss it aside if you are truly in R. HUGS!


Posts: 51 | Registered: Oct 2012
manybrokenpieces
♀ Member
Member # 37055
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, November 7th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7yrs---enjoy yourself! Have a drink for me!

DP--it sounds like WW is being seen for what she is in court. Keep positive!


Posts: 51 | Registered: Oct 2012
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, November 7th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fightingback, I was where you are until very recently.

If I have truly forgiven him, why am I doing this? It seems I am always searching for information about his other life.
I did this as well and got to a point where I realized no matter how much I questioned or searched I would likely never get every single shred of info. This never ending quest was burning me out. It wasn't even about the OM it was me trying to figure out my wife. Instead of making progress on my own it kept dragging me back to this heaping nervous, anxious, doubting wreck. The final straw was when I found out about the tattoo. I did that to myself. Should my wife have told me, yes, but by continually digging I kept setting myself back and worrying about what else I would find. I realized I will never know it all and the continued search for info did nothing but set me back.

And then maybe I can start over on my own, be rid of the questions and the wondering and the pain.

I thought this as well. It never occured to me that my W would actually give up on the M before me. What would you do if your H decided tomorrow that he couldn't do it anymore and left. When those conversations started I realized that for me anyway the questions, wondering, and pain would still be there even if I kick out my W or she left so I had to deal with my own issues pretty quickly. That initial bit of anger/joy/freedom/empowerment that I would get from taking back control of my life would not remove the questions. It may make them less relevant but they would still be there for me. We can't change the past so for me, I have to learn to live with it as a part of my life experience and somehow learn from it whether I am with my wife or not.

If he had told me that he got an email from her (my bogus email) I would have felt safe.

I still struggle with this one myself. I went into a tail spin for a few days because of this so I completely understand and empathize with you. Even if my wife had told me about the tattoo, which I didn't bring up because I backed myself in the corner by looking for stuff, it would be something else next time. It could be a number I didn't recognize on the caller ID or the next time the cell phone beeps with a text message and she doesn't immediately tell me who it was. We are always going to have reminders as BS's but for me it was about getting to a point where I wasn't paralyzed by my own fears and doubts. I felt stuck for over a year because of this. I still struggle with this but I want to have a fulfilling life again so I have to make whatever changes I need to be okay. If you can get to that point then no matter what your spouse does or does not do you will be okay and can move forward with or without them.

Just my 2 cents.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1580 | Registered: May 2011
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, November 7th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cdn mommy -- are you in IC? I think it would be good to have support. Maybe you need to have medication to deal with the hormonal ups and downs, etc.

I suffered unexplained secondary infertility in my late 20's. I've also had 5 miscarriages. I miscarried my first pregnancy at 24, had a child at 26, could not get pregnant again until I was 30, when I miscarried twice, and finally had my second child at 31. I had two more miscarriages when he was 15 and 17 months old, and since then I've had 3 successful pregnancies. It is a bear to deal with. Please reach out to multiple sources for help.

Since we were talking about being badasses and quality women, etc. I will share that today I was a tough cookie and defended my husband's legal rights. It felt good to be able to do that for him. The lender we were going to buy our home through was holding our FHA case number hostage. Their bank has failed and is being purchased and they were refusing to let us pursue the loan through another lender. Our calls and e-mails had produced no results, so I went there in person 13 days away from having a baby and I raised a ruckus until someone transferred our information to the new lender. I feel pretty cool now. I also feel happy that I took care of my husband that way.

[This message edited by m334455 at 3:51 PM, November 7th (Wednesday)]


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, November 7th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She just called to let me know that she was let go from her job.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, November 7th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tough shit for her, ATS.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, November 7th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not at peace.
I totally get what you say about making a decision to trust and to give my all to this relationship, but I also question why I am not ready to do this.

FightingBack - First, let me just say that this is so, so early in your recovery. Please do not expect to be, or beat yourself up if you are not, at this place right now. Many of us who have been here for a while will tell you that it took at least 1 to 2 years to get to the point where true forgiveness was possible, let alone getting to the place where we were willing to risk "giving our all" to the relationship again. (I think even Tryn would admit that too.) We need to see a truly remorseful spouse whose remorse is consistent over time. We need to see real change, commitment, remorse, and a true recognition of the pain and suffering their A has caused us. I think too that our personal experience with forgiveness and belief in its importance and necessity factors into this journey as well. There are personal obstacles as well that might interfere with our ability to forgive and move on. For me, loyalty to friends and family has always been paramount in my value system so to have my H violate the value that I have held most dear to me has been a major obstacle.

Perhaps the major obstacle that I had to overcome is coming to terms with who my H really is - in other words, is he the man I married - loving, loyal, generous, funny, etc., or is he someone whose sense of entitlement has allowed him to callously disregard the well-being of me and my children making him someone I never really knew? I think we all have to answer that for ourselves before we can ever come to a place of forgiveness and re-commitment to the marriage.

Long ago I read a book, The Wizard of Earthsea, and there is a paragraph in that book that never left me. It was one of the first things I thought of when I began to process my H's 8 year (plus) LTA. Years ago I highlighted this and finding it again I realized that this is what I was trying to answer in regards to my H.

". . . he had learned the price of the game, which is the peril of losing one's self, playing away the truth. The longer the man stays in a form not his own, the greater the peril."

Before d-day, I believed my H to be a person I could love, admire and respect but for at least 8 years during our marriage he had become someone very, very different than the man I believed him to be. I had to answer the question for myself, "Had he stayed in that form for too long that he no longer was the man I knew him to be and if so, could I love this man who took over that person?

Reading your post, I felt this
might be the answer you are trying to get at before you can really re-commit to your M. I hope this has been helpful. I just don't want you to feel you need to rush this process. To really get to a healthy place, IMHO, you need to take this slowly and answer honestly for yourself some very important questions. If your H truly loves you and is remorseful, he should not only be patient while you move through this but be supportive and encouraging.
(((FB))


[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 4:04 PM, November 7th (Wednesday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, November 7th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

forgivenotforget-

what a wonderful post!

such great insight into what all of us struggle with after finding out about a LTA.

we all ask the same thing...."who is this person"?

and then...."is it possible for them to truly change after d-day?"


ats-
sorry to hear about your WW's job but like m33 said...this should not influence your decision as to what you need to do for your own peace of mind and sanity.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, November 7th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She cannot move out on unemployment, and I cannot afford to pay for u/w house and kids and their college if paying her support. It is tough shit for me.

D = bankruptcy if she is not working and earning enough for her to live on.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, November 7th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats - as I'm in the same boat I fully understand. All I can say is look at all the options available to you & take your time.
MIL has now advised I can stay only till Jan so need to put a roof over my head....there goes any chance of seeing the kids over xmas as I just have no funds available to go to court right now.
Tomoorow I can access the house & pick up personal items so I'll be taking things like my record collection etc which I can sell for some quick bucks to generate cashflow. It will be tough but also looking for after hours work 3-4 hours a night 2-3 times a week so I can build up a buffer. Thats the plan at this stage....all I know is that things will get better.
Take care Bro ..you will get thru.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, November 7th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats-
don't assume the worst.
Judges today rarely give the wife support for very long.
The assumption is that she just needs a few months to find a new job.
Don't let this wrinkle stop you from doing what is best for you.
And..even though there may be no fault divorce....her LTA is the reason for all of this...
an attorney that is well versed in divorce may be able to give you advice as to how to proceed.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, November 8th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Despite her assurances to the contrary, it ends up FWW is reading my SI posts to gauge what I am thinking or feeling. I wish she would just ask, or talk with me instead.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, November 8th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Popping in to let y'all know I'm ok. Like Honest, I had no power or heat for 7 days.

DIP: I can grill amost ANYTHING now. I can also build fires!

A very educational week!

But no damage, and (fingers crossed) still have power despite this ridiculous Nor'easter which has left many in my neighborhood losing power again.

I have 2 families staying with me which I actually like!

Miracle is also ok.

Peace & hugs to all - gotta go make a living now.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, November 8th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Popping in to let y'all know I'm ok. Like Honest, I had no power or heat for 7 days.

DIP: I can grill amost ANYTHING now. I can also build fires!

A very educational week!

But no damage, and (fingers crossed) still have power despite this ridiculous Nor'easter which has left many in my neighborhood losing power again.

I have 2 families staying with me which I actually like!

Miracle is also ok.

Peace & hugs to all - gotta go make a living now.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, November 8th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7yrs
and that's actually go out on the town with my brother. This has comedic disaster written all over it.
Well good for you! Enjoy it and have a real laddish time!

cdmommy

it is something I have to work through. I don't see this as being anything different than most of the things we BSs have to deal with.
This is the time to do things for you. And you are. The treatment is a sign that you are not bending to your fWHís desires or lack of commitment as you did in the past. I really do think that your chances are very, very good. I do not think you have missed the boat, as it were.

Like m33, I had a lot of miscarriages. Two were hospital jobs. I went over and over how I should have stuck to my original ďno moreĒ when I got to 35. But my situation was the opposite to yours Ė WH wanted another baby and I went along with it. The gap between DS3 and the next potential pregnancy got bigger until it was 6yrs. At the time WH was in an affair. But I only realised that with hindsight (duh!). One of the things he hasnít actually denied, so I take it to be true. If I had known that, would I have gone ahead with getting pregnant? No, of course not. But I did, DS is here and thatís that. My life changed and I stayed a SAHW&M. As WH wanted. Donít berate yourself for this. It will happen. And (as everyone says) when you least expect it.

Fightingback

Now I feel that he still keeps secrets from me, so I am afraid to trust completely.
This is the very thing I struggle with too. And Mr UKg just does NOT get it. He doesnít want to tell me for two reasons Ė 1. He doesnít like the way it makes him feel when he tells me and 2. He simply doesnít want me to know. Period. I feel like knocking some sense into him, but realise itís mostly a waste of breath. I hope you do better.

Ats

She just called to let me know that she was let go from her job.
Crap. Iím interested in njgalís response. Maybe that will let you off the hook a little. And at least Mrs ats is interested enough to read your posts. Mr UKg has never done that. Donít think heís bothered reading anything that might make him feel bad, even slightly. Still just waiting for me to get over it. So I have a twinge of envy over that.

Allgood

DIP: I can grill amost ANYTHING now. I can also build fires!
Okay. Itís over to your place for the party!! Can 7yrs bring his brother? Then we get to see the comedy duo.

Honest, njgal,
wow. I hope you are coping alright. I know there will be others in a worse state then you, I know itís better that Mr NPD isnít around and Iím sure the boys are a brilliant support, but even so. What crap. Itís off the news here now, although I get the online news alerts still. Hang in there. If I could get across and help bail you out, I would. All I can do is send useless but warm cyber hugs. (((((honest))))) (((((njgal)))))

[This message edited by UKgirl at 1:27 PM, November 8th (Thursday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, November 8th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the hugs UKgirl.
Snow in November!
That's just what all the people without power need right now.
We never have snow in November.

We usually have 60-70 degree weather in November.

The governor of NJ said he was waiting for locusts next.

It has been a rough week and 1/2 here.

But, I can't complain my power is back on.... heat is working... others have it so much worse.

Glad to hear the Allgood and Honest are OK too.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, November 8th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is good to hear from our northeast friends. I feel your pain since I was without power or water for 7 days a few years back. I grilled the most expensive food first! The grilled food was the only thing that we had to look forward to. Being without utilities sucks. I would not wish it on very many people.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, November 8th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Dip,

I can relate to the cook expensive food first. After hurricanes we eat beef and seafood first. I drink the booze too, just to be safe.

Going tomorrow with stbx to see DS march with band at college game Saturday. This trip was scheduled a while back, and I did not want to not go to see DS, nor take two cars 250 miles each way, but feeling weird about spending so much time with her. I hope to meet old work friends for lunch tomorrow.

--Atsenaotie


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, November 8th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just back from the house this morning. Packed up the ute - 19 years in 1.5hours. Again she couldnt be pleasant still sucking lemons & sitting on a pineapple.
I have very mixed emotions right now.
Here in Australia its a requirement to go to mediation & if that dosent work then the family court. In her current state of mind there wont be much mediation.
I just wont to move on with my life.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
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