Lost power for over a week due to the hurricane. I have people staying with me from Breezy Point NY who lost everything.... 5 feet of water in the house. (not basement, the house itself) Lost thier car. My son and his girlfriend had 3 feet of water in their house too.
And now this Nor'easter. The lights just flickered now....keeping my fingers crossed. We were living like pioneers for the week, gathering firewood for the woodburning stove....
Thank God, NPD is overseas right now. Couldn't put up with his neediness with everything else going on.
I have missed a lot, so just want to say
to (((cdnmommy))). I am fortunate to not personally struggled with infertility issues, but I understand wanting another child & I too resent that fact that I feel I have been robbed of that chance. WH didn't want another child--it would seem that as they grow up & head off to school, it gave him more freedom to fuck around. I continued taking my birth control to not become pregnant because it is what HE wanted & I we both needed to agree on something so important as another child--I completely get that! I have even told my WH in the beginning that I HATE him for stealing the joy of another baby from me because now I am not even certain at times that I want him. I am struggling now (about 7 months out) in coming to terms with the fact that HE could do this. I don't have a burning desire to know the details anymore, just HOW? But I don't want to burden you with all that.
Just know that I understand the resentment. I understand the pain and I hate that you are burdened with the extra physical & emotional hurdles and stress of infertility. It is simply not fair & I commend you for the path you have chosen. The extra hormonal issues that come with this may intensify your feelings--do you tell have an IC you are seeing?
I think it is great that you acknowledge your feelings. This is the first step to moving on. I don't know how to get past the resentment because I still have it, but I think it is something to acknowledge it--It takes courage to say those things when others are encouraging you to toss it aside if you are truly in R. HUGS!
DP--it sounds like WW is being seen for what she is in court. Keep positive!
If I have truly forgiven him, why am I doing this? It seems I am always searching for information about his other life.
And then maybe I can start over on my own, be rid of the questions and the wondering and the pain.
I thought this as well. It never occured to me that my W would actually give up on the M before me. What would you do if your H decided tomorrow that he couldn't do it anymore and left. When those conversations started I realized that for me anyway the questions, wondering, and pain would still be there even if I kick out my W or she left so I had to deal with my own issues pretty quickly. That initial bit of anger/joy/freedom/empowerment that I would get from taking back control of my life would not remove the questions. It may make them less relevant but they would still be there for me. We can't change the past so for me, I have to learn to live with it as a part of my life experience and somehow learn from it whether I am with my wife or not.
If he had told me that he got an email from her (my bogus email) I would have felt safe.
I still struggle with this one myself. I went into a tail spin for a few days because of this so I completely understand and empathize with you. Even if my wife had told me about the tattoo, which I didn't bring up because I backed myself in the corner by looking for stuff, it would be something else next time. It could be a number I didn't recognize on the caller ID or the next time the cell phone beeps with a text message and she doesn't immediately tell me who it was. We are always going to have reminders as BS's but for me it was about getting to a point where I wasn't paralyzed by my own fears and doubts. I felt stuck for over a year because of this. I still struggle with this but I want to have a fulfilling life again so I have to make whatever changes I need to be okay. If you can get to that point then no matter what your spouse does or does not do you will be okay and can move forward with or without them.
Just my 2 cents.
I suffered unexplained secondary infertility in my late 20's. I've also had 5 miscarriages. I miscarried my first pregnancy at 24, had a child at 26, could not get pregnant again until I was 30, when I miscarried twice, and finally had my second child at 31. I had two more miscarriages when he was 15 and 17 months old, and since then I've had 3 successful pregnancies. It is a bear to deal with. Please reach out to multiple sources for help.
Since we were talking about being badasses and quality women, etc. I will share that today I was a tough cookie and defended my husband's legal rights. It felt good to be able to do that for him. The lender we were going to buy our home through was holding our FHA case number hostage. Their bank has failed and is being purchased and they were refusing to let us pursue the loan through another lender. Our calls and e-mails had produced no results, so I went there in person 13 days away from having a baby and I raised a ruckus until someone transferred our information to the new lender. I feel pretty cool now. I also feel happy that I took care of my husband that way.
[This message edited by m334455 at 3:51 PM, November 7th (Wednesday)]
I am not at peace.
I totally get what you say about making a decision to trust and to give my all to this relationship, but I also question why I am not ready to do this.
Perhaps the major obstacle that I had to overcome is coming to terms with who my H really is - in other words, is he the man I married - loving, loyal, generous, funny, etc., or is he someone whose sense of entitlement has allowed him to callously disregard the well-being of me and my children making him someone I never really knew? I think we all have to answer that for ourselves before we can ever come to a place of forgiveness and re-commitment to the marriage.
Long ago I read a book, The Wizard of Earthsea, and there is a paragraph in that book that never left me. It was one of the first things I thought of when I began to process my H's 8 year (plus) LTA. Years ago I highlighted this and finding it again I realized that this is what I was trying to answer in regards to my H.
". . . he had learned the price of the game, which is the peril of losing one's self, playing away the truth. The longer the man stays in a form not his own, the greater the peril."
Before d-day, I believed my H to be a person I could love, admire and respect but for at least 8 years during our marriage he had become someone very, very different than the man I believed him to be. I had to answer the question for myself, "Had he stayed in that form for too long that he no longer was the man I knew him to be and if so, could I love this man who took over that person?
Reading your post, I felt this
might be the answer you are trying to get at before you can really re-commit to your M. I hope this has been helpful. I just don't want you to feel you need to rush this process. To really get to a healthy place, IMHO, you need to take this slowly and answer honestly for yourself some very important questions. If your H truly loves you and is remorseful, he should not only be patient while you move through this but be supportive and encouraging.
[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 4:04 PM, November 7th (Wednesday)]
what a wonderful post!
such great insight into what all of us struggle with after finding out about a LTA.
we all ask the same thing...."who is this person"?
and then...."is it possible for them to truly change after d-day?"
sorry to hear about your WW's job but like m33 said...this should not influence your decision as to what you need to do for your own peace of mind and sanity.
D = bankruptcy if she is not working and earning enough for her to live on.
DIP: I can grill amost ANYTHING now. I can also build fires!
A very educational week!
But no damage, and (fingers crossed) still have power despite this ridiculous Nor'easter which has left many in my neighborhood losing power again.
I have 2 families staying with me which I actually like!
Miracle is also ok.
Peace & hugs to all - gotta go make a living now.
and that's actually go out on the town with my brother. This has comedic disaster written all over it.
it is something I have to work through. I don't see this as being anything different than most of the things we BSs have to deal with.
Like m33, I had a lot of miscarriages. Two were hospital jobs. I went over and over how I should have stuck to my original ďno moreĒ when I got to 35. But my situation was the opposite to yours Ė WH wanted another baby and I went along with it. The gap between DS3 and the next potential pregnancy got bigger until it was 6yrs. At the time WH was in an affair. But I only realised that with hindsight (duh!). One of the things he hasnít actually denied, so I take it to be true. If I had known that, would I have gone ahead with getting pregnant? No, of course not. But I did, DS is here and thatís that. My life changed and I stayed a SAHW&M. As WH wanted. Donít berate yourself for this. It will happen. And (as everyone says) when you least expect it.
Now I feel that he still keeps secrets from me, so I am afraid to trust completely.
She just called to let me know that she was let go from her job.
DIP: I can grill amost ANYTHING now. I can also build fires!
wow. I hope you are coping alright. I know there will be others in a worse state then you, I know itís better that Mr NPD isnít around and Iím sure the boys are a brilliant support, but even so. What crap. Itís off the news here now, although I get the online news alerts still. Hang in there. If I could get across and help bail you out, I would. All I can do is send useless but warm cyber hugs. (((((honest))))) (((((njgal)))))
[This message edited by UKgirl at 1:27 PM, November 8th (Thursday)]
We usually have 60-70 degree weather in November.
The governor of NJ said he was waiting for locusts next.
It has been a rough week and 1/2 here.
But, I can't complain my power is back on.... heat is working... others have it so much worse.
Glad to hear the Allgood and Honest are OK too.
I can relate to the cook expensive food first. After hurricanes we eat beef and seafood first. I drink the booze too, just to be safe.
Going tomorrow with stbx to see DS march with band at college game Saturday. This trip was scheduled a while back, and I did not want to not go to see DS, nor take two cars 250 miles each way, but feeling weird about spending so much time with her. I hope to meet old work friends for lunch tomorrow.