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User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 30
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, November 29th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, there is some seriously insightful processing going on here lately...

...and finally came to the realization that I didn't know who I married ...

This is the conclusion I arrived at too, and it did take a while. She would catch me staring at her and ask what I was doing and I was just trying to SEE who she was. I know now that she was a very hurt and frightened girl who acted out in selfish ways. The woman I am M to is not at all who I thought I had M'd. She had an incredible painful childhood and that was a secret she has been afraid someone would discover. There was so much shame she felt that if anyone knew the truth they would hate her.

I couldn't figure out why she would not respond but it was because there were 3 people in the marriage and no matter what I did it wouldn't be good enough.

We had the same dynamic. Holly Hines describes this very well in her book Sexual Detours. In the spring of '07 I suspected FWW of an A and made accusations. She convinced me I was the problem, and I went to IC. She refused to come to an IC session. I put a lot of effort into me and the M over the next couple of years, but to no avail. Now I know that she had started up with her last OM for an A that would last 2+ years from about the time I started IC to dday. There truly was nothing that I could do to save my M. Once dday occurred and all OM were out of the picture we could begin to work on the M again and for the first time ever had a honest look at what the problems were.

...to see if I was not 2nd choice, to see if she actually loved me, and if yes to both of those, how could she choose to be so cruel and callous for so long?

MC_Jack, this question took me a long time to come to an answer with acceptance. What helped in the end is I worked at understanding it as I would process it, but as she would with her perceptions and her reality. Just another example of you cannot make rational sense of irrational behaviors.

...doesn't resolve her issues then it will happen again or I will be looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life.

Or even if there is never again another A or inappropriate relationship, she will not be able to be a fully functioning and supportive member of the M relationship until she has owned and begun to fix her issues.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, November 29th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just read the news!!! Congratulations m33!!

35 HOURS?? Wow, that's long. That’s some doing. But as long as all is well, you are okay, the baby is fine, then 3.5hrs or 35 – doesn’t matter now. So very pleased for you and hope Baby Pedro is a shining star. Big hugs for you and kissy hugs for Paddy (guess the “Baby” prefix will have to drop now!). Take care of yourself and let Mr m33 look after you all for a bit. Mmmmm, baby head smell. >>>sigh<<<

I’ll have to come back and catch up later. Just got back from down south and have DS18 to take for piano lesson.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Blobette
♀ Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, November 29th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m33 -- congratulations! So happy to hear about the safe delivery. 35 hrs sucks donkey balls, but hey -- the baby's safe and you're safe so it's all good.

NJgal -- interesting your comment re how quickly it shut down. Unless I'm completely wrong, WH and his AP shut down also immediately. I find it hard to understand how you can have an A for 7 yrs and then just -- end. Part of it is that OP apparently HATES him now, which really helps... It's like the bubble popped and it's all gone.

Don't know if I posted it here and sorry if this is repetitious, but WH got a new job and will be leaving the OP behind. AND he will no longer need to live in another city one week per month. Looks like significantly less travel, too -- we'll see. I'll no longer be a single mom, yay.

UKgirl -- any news re Oxford entry? I was at Somerville and WH at Trinity. Met doing graduate degrees.


BS (me): 49
WS: 50
Married: 25 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Aug 2012
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, November 29th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I find it hard to understand how you can have an A for 7 yrs and then just -- end.

Blobette,

My WW and her last AP also went NC immediately after a 2+ year A. It is my impression, and I may be biased and filtering my impressions, that WS and AP in LTA have an easier time ending and going NC than those in shorter A's. I believe that this relates to an inability to form, or discomfort with, emotional intimacy.

If the WS and AP formed an emotionally intimate relationship, I do not believe that it could sustain under the radar for years. Emotional intimacy I should think ultimately would lead to Soul-Matedness and Luurve that would drive them to be together.

Instead, the LTA exists at a simmer, never or maybe just initially boiling over. I believe that this is because there is no emotional intimacy, the APs are just things; there is no real emotional connection. I believe my FWW when she says that when she told OM she loved him, what she was expressing was the sense of power about herself she felt being in a relationship with him (her boss, wealthy community leader).

When dday occurs and the A cannot go underground, the WS and AP do not lose a lover, or soul mate. They lose a service, a thing. Instead of calling OM for affirmation after dday, her calls to DD and a female friend of the A increased. These served a similar purpose, were deemed “safe” and had the benefit of not needing to schedule regular meetings for sex. She left her AP behind just that easily. She said she had been “fond” of him. I used to read too much into that word. I now see it for the dismissive term that it was.

btw, congratulations on the new job for your WS. That is huge. If FWW had not left her job with OM I am not surer we would have made it to trying to R.

I posted a few weeks ago about how after agreeing we would separate in January, FWW/stbx lost her job and we were into a limbo where separation was not an immediate option. In the last few weeks she has rescheduled and attended IC, life has been very pleasant in many ways (wink, wink, nod, nod), and I have been content. I am hesitant to post this because I am painfully aware that this could be (is likely to be?) over compensation by her in response to her father’s illness and her job loss. In fact, we have spoken frankly about this possibility. I know that I may be backsliding and building false hope, and it would be my historic nature to do this.

I am not, I hope, allowing myself to again be sucked into a false relationship. But so long as we are together I am enjoying our relationship while it is what it is, and not focusing on detaching. I realize that she may be doing these things without even having realization. From what I read, it is in the bpd traits to avoid abandonment and she has a history of flirty or using seduction to control or at least manipulate men. She says she is past that now, I see changes in her, but this is stressful time for her and when old habits are most likely to re-emerge.

What we have now is better than sleeping in separate rooms and minimizing talking and contact was for me. I also can see how staying the course with a “as soon as you get a job you are out of here” attitude would be counter productive. So I will enjoy what I can, my armor and personal defenses are much better than they were pre-dday.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 3:55 PM, November 29th (Thursday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Teach8
♀ Member
Member # 36521
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, November 29th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M33...so very happy for you. It is nice to hear such good news. Tribe...I send you all hugs. Not in a good place right now. Don't think I have it in me to respond appropriately to a group of people who deserve so much more than less than good advice. Take care.


Me: BW. Him: WH. Dday: 4/26/12. TT until 8/15/12 LTA 7 years. Trying to R

Posts: 470 | Registered: Aug 2012
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, November 29th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Teach8... So sorry you are hurting. I think the first 8 months post dday is always the worst. Do you have a girlfriend to go vent? Pain is here now... but it will go away. It will! Stay positive. Open yours eyes to what your H is doing.. It's ok to cry. Pamper yourself. Make sure you are working out, lifting weights. Do some charity!

M3.. Way to go girl! The joy in your heart must at a all time high. A new baby is the best feeling.

[This message edited by trynhard at 5:12 PM, November 29th (Thursday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 2:46 AM, November 30th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3

So where are the pics??? Can't wait much longer.

PLEEEEEEASE????

BIG HUGS to you and yours

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, November 30th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Blobette
Don't know if I posted it here and sorry if this is repetitious, but WH got a new job and will be leaving the OP behind. AND he will no longer need to live in another city one week per month. Looks like significantly less travel, too -- we'll see. I'll no longer be a single mom, yay.
Congrats across the board! Enjoy and revel in the victories when they come. We go through so much craziness that you dont' want to minimize the positives when they come. So no, it is not repeitious at all. It actually feels good to see that positive stuff does actually happen to people.

find it hard to understand how you can have an A for 7 yrs and then just -- end.

In my case my W is so messed up that her A followed the same pattern of every relationship she has had. It took 3 yrs but the luster wore off and the hole opened back up in her again. She even admitted that she had tried to break it off several times prior to the end. Of course the final break was Dday and the fact that she found out he was sleeping with other people in the office as well and per her pattern with men (except with me) he had been using her and lying to her the entire time. He was married so of course he was using and lying to her but rationalization is a powerful thing I guess. So yes, it took me a while to believe it but my W went NC with him and has not looked back. Which of course meant she had to look at herself and thus limbo for us until she deals with her issues which she is avoiding like the plague.


Teach8: Not sure when your dday was but Tryn is correct initially nothing feels good. Even if your spouse is doing the right things life just sucks in general. What I can tell you is you have to go through the bad stuff to get through it. That sounds kind of dumb when I type it but it's true. I chose to go in my own FOG for months and not really deal with what I felt. I paid big time for that because eventually I couldn't take it anymore and imo, what I felt then was probably worse then if I had just dealt with and processed the negative thoughts when they hit initially. I do still have some bad days 1.5 years out but they are nowhere near what they used to be. sending you hugs and strength.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1585 | Registered: May 2011
ReunitePangea
♂ Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, November 30th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Atsenaotie -

If the WS and AP formed an emotionally intimate relationship, I do not believe that it could sustain under the radar for years. Emotional intimacy I should think ultimately would lead to Soul-Matedness and Luurve that would drive them to be together.

Thank you for your post as you seemed to have helped me a bit in understanding my situation. I have been trying to understand how my WS maintained a 14 year LTA affair and keep everything in balance emotionally. When she describes the LTA she makes it sound much like a simple friends with benefits arrangement which I guess it may very well have been. One hurdle that I am struggling dealing with is if I am the biological father of my kids. I ask and she says that when we were trying she simply put the LTA on hold so I have nothing to worry about with that. Obviously a paternity test would answer my questions, I just don't know if I really want to know that truth. I have always been their father and always will be, no matter what. I think it is a very slight risk that they are not but actually running a paternity test and risk knowing a truth I do not want to know may be too great of a risk for me to handle.


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 406 | Registered: Nov 2012
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Question  Posted: 2:45 PM, November 30th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unlurking to say:
Congratulations M33! UKgirl covered my sentiments re: babies...
35 HOURS?? Wow, that's long. That’s some doing. But as long as all is well, you are okay, the baby is fine, then 3.5hrs or 35 – doesn’t matter now. So very pleased for you and hope Baby Pedro is a shining star. Big hugs for you and kissy hugs for Paddy (guess the “Baby” prefix will have to drop now!). Take care of yourself and let Mr m33 look after you all for a bit. Mmmmm, baby head smell. >>>sigh<<<

My grandsons are my ultimate joy in life.

Even dreamt (sp) of attending a baby shower last night (total fantasy as the real life friend is past child-bearing age & some who attended are no longer with us) but babies are one thing that just plain make me happy. There will be 2 new babies joining us in the new years... both d-i-l's need supportive prayers as they are risky pregnancies so this just may be my subconscious dealing with mama/gramma fears while I project happy and confident to them.

I posted in General today on the topic Topic: Not sure what real support is...
Don't what to quote it here but it pretty much covers life as I experience it currently. Christmas and New Years are such awful triggers for me even now. It's so very hard to hide the Grinch while wanting to create new family traditions for my beloved children and grandchildren and satisfy the expectations of my m-i-l to continue old ones. Feeling I'd like to be a bear and find a place to hibernate until spring... If this sounds like a pity party, I fear it is more than that. Just can't seem to get a grip on being a functioning person, never mind the loving person I once was.
"Fake it until you make it" has grown too thin to support a feather and FWH seems oblivious to my emotional state, thinking that it stems from the chronic health situation of FMS&CFS which does exacerbate when cold temps come to the prairies.

Hugs and Prayers for God's blessing to all my LTA family... I've always believed that He knows our struggles even when we don't voice them. Don't want to offend anyone though so just know this place is often my refuge even though I don't post often.


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
MC_Jack
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Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, November 30th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

that WS and AP in LTA have an easier time ending and going NC than those in shorter A's. I believe that this relates to an inability to form, or discomfort with, emotional intimacy.

I agree and this was my experience as well. My wife was relieved and glad to go no contact. I have concluded that LTAs are quite peculiar. ATS is right to recommend that 'Sexual Detours" book: fear of intimacy is at the core of the LTA issue.

An LTA (unlike love affairs that flame out) are never intended nor conceived to replace the primary relationship. There is usually never any intention of leaving the BS. While a passionate love affair of unicorns and rainbows and true love are like a axe wound to the marriage, an LTA is like a virus or a parasite. It depends on the main body (the M) to survive and is of a design so as to kill its host.

An LTA seems to fulfill a need that the WS can not get from or is unwilling to get from the M, whether it is due to conflict avoidance, fear of intimacy, etc. When you look at the duration of the A, you then bring in issues like addiction and use of the A as a coping mechanism.

In my case, like someone else mentioned, the OM promoted taking the friendship to a friends with benefits program because it would mean that the annual conferences they attended would be more 'fun'. This more 'fun' was the extent of his promise. The absence of any true intimacy made the A a safe haven - like the eye of a hurricane - a place of escape when needed.

These LTAs are kind of sick and demented in a way, and thus explains why I am so bothered and confused by what some think is no big deal: "you mean that's all they ever saw each other?"

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 4:45 PM, November 30th (Friday)]


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
manybrokenpieces
♀ Member
Member # 37055
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, November 30th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not a good night

[This message edited by manybrokenpieces at 10:18 PM, November 30th (Friday)]


Posts: 51 | Registered: Oct 2012
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, November 30th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I saw my counselor again today for the first time in over a year. This was a session for just me. I was kind of nervous but at the end of the session she basically said I had made a ton of progress on myself. My wife is in the exact same spot she was when she quit counseling last year. This basically boils down to I am doing the right thing by detaching and changing the dynamic of the relationship. By giving my wife the freedom to move forward it will cause her to burn out faster and allow me to keep my sanity. She also agreed with the assessment my W's best friend gave me. My wife talks a big game but she will never actually leave unless I force her too. If I kick her out she can use that to rationalize everything that has happened and go deeper into the rabbit hole. All the fantasy talk about moving out that she has is just that, so my path is the same as it has been. Don't put up any resistance to my wife trying to fulfill living on her white picket fence fantasy. Let her go through with it and make her do the work.

I also realized that my W feeds off the conflict created by her taking these baby steps to move out and my previous reactions to it. I finally learned to just say okay that is what you want, go do it, it's fine by me, you don't need my permission.

So my issue now is how long can I keep up at this. How long before I can't take being in a house with someone that can't deal with their own issues. So the options are as follows: A) my wife buys her house and leaves. This is not likely to happen. B) I continue to disconnect, don't engage her when she baits me with stuff that previously got me upset, this will take some time but she will eventually burn out. C) I reach the end of my rope and kick her out. More on that discussion in 2 weeks at the next appointment. I will say that I do have a plan if she does wake up and that is immediately she has to go to IC counseling for some serious work. I admitted that I still wanted my family together and would hold out as long as I could. I would ride the horse I was on until it died but I wasn't on the same horse my wife was on. Per the Doc it's good that I realize we are on seperate horses and I need to keep working on me since I can never fix her.

All in all it was a good session and I did receive one extra gem from the Doc that I did not anticipate or ever even consider. I said that the biggest complaint I had about the last 1.5 years is that my wife said she was in 100% but ultimately was not and quit. The Doc said it was entirely possible that my wife was in 100% and actually tried working on us and being happy but she is incapable of being happy until she fixes her issues. No matter how hard either of us tried it was going to fail and will fail because the black hole will always be there and my W doesn't even realize the hole is there. Just like the A, the failed R had nothing to do with me and everything to do with her being broken. This had never occurred to me but made so much sense. It wasn't that my wife didn't try, the Doc reminded me of some things she had done and I do believe my wife did try. She just hit the same wall she always hits because she will never be capable of finding true happiness until she resolves the issues. It took a lot of the weight off my shoulders when she said that. I felt like I was throwing off the last bits of codependance and I could put my tool belt away since I am retiring from fixing the project that is my W. Her quitting was the worst and best thing that happened to me because it forced me out of the cycle we were in. My W inadvertently woke me up because she no longer was available as a coping mechanism so I had no choice but to figure myself out then. So next appointment is in 2 weeks and the Doc has reminded me to be aware of the baiting that my wife will do to try to figure out what is going on with me.

The last thing she told me was keep moving forward, positive changes are often the most painful. The past year has been extremely painful for me but I am finally moving in the right direction. Whether my wife keeps going another way is up to her and I can cross that bridge when it's time.


[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 10:38 PM, November 30th (Friday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1585 | Registered: May 2011
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 2:39 AM, December 1st (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can I just tell you how completely, totally, endlessly in love I am with the new man in my life (swoon)? And Mr. M3 does not mind at all ... since he feels the same.

UKG -- he's got baby head smell, but he also smells spicy, like cloves.

I will get around to sending a picture eventually, promise. Right now I just wanted to write because today is the 3rd antiversary of Dday for me.

Anyway, I have no idea if it helps anyone, but there you go. I was pregnant on Dday and today I have a 6 day old baby. Very similar there, but otherwise ...

I just want to let you all know that I don't feel any triggers today, and only rarely do I feel any at all. I'm very happy that I fought for my marriage, and happy that my WH eventually saw the wisdom of that... it's important to remember that they forget who you are -- they have to marginalize you to assuage their own guilt unless they're just total sociopaths. If you can get the OP out of the picture and get the WS to pay attention then they really see you again.

One reason I still come here is because it reminds me that this is not a journey with an endpoint.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 2:47 AM, December 1st (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M33

I am so happy for you. Your words just ooooooze love for your new little man.

Also loving hearing how positive you feel.

I just wanted to write because today is the 3rd antiversary of Dday for me
.

I was 2.5 years out on DS's 22nd birthday on Wed.

So.... once again I can relate.

Congrats again and MASSIVE HUGS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 2:56 AM, December 1st (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm very thankful that the delivery seems to have evaporated the unrelenting perinatal depression I had. Good lord, it was awful. I'll still be seeing docs and having checkups frequently for the next couple of months, but I'll take happy again anyday.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, December 1st (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m33, I just loved that falling in love with a newborn. Enjoy every moment. Beautiful. Wraparoundhugs.

Ats, just live the way you feel most comfortable. One day at a time until or unless the situation changes when you find you are stepping out of the marriage. I have found my comfortable place and am reasonably confident that if we separate I will be okay. I take each day as it comes and have retreated back to the plain of lethal flatness for a while. That detached and emotionless place. I only care about my boys right now and miss the older two in NZ most at this time of year. I am functioning, but am not focusing on fWH. I think I find myself sad more than anything.

(((((Teach))))) Just some hugs.

Blobette – excellent news! Anything that reduces the AP at a faster rate is something to celebrate and it helps healing and reconciliation.

Blobetter & Reunite
The affair can come to an abrupt end because that is what the WS was waiting for. The affair became a LTA because they allowed it to. It was easier than the prospect of losing the marriage. I am sure that for the majority of LTA WS’s, the attachment they felt had gone a long time before d-day. I know that fWH would have left if I had found out in the early heady days. As it was, it more than ran its course and had burnt out a couple of years before. 5mths before d-day, they had a week fuckfest and he claims that he “knew” it was over. Apparently she was aware that he had disconnected with her and was thinking of me most of the time. The limerence and attraction had gone.
Reunite, a paternity test is something you have to know. You are their father, whatever the result anyway. It’s something that I cannot really relate to, being a woman. But I would say if it rankles with you, do a paternity test before resentment and doubt affects your relationship with them. But get some opinions from the Betrayed Men forum first.

Feeling I'd like to be a bear and find a place to hibernate until spring
know the feeling hon. Hate winter. Can’t wait for spring. I’d spend oct – Feb in the southern hemisphere.

Manybrokenpieces, hugs to you. sometimes you just want to sit in a corner. That’s okay. We’re here for you when you want to chat. (((((mbp))))

UKgirl -- any news re Oxford entry? I was at Somerville and WH at Trinity. Met doing graduate degrees.
I’m taking him down tomorrow for a formal interview thingy. His letter read “Congratulations on being selected for interview at XXXXX” He will be there for Mon/Tue and perhaps Wed too. It’s nice that he will be staying in college again, hopefully he’ll be quite relaxed about it, having been there in the summer. I’m fretting for him though. Pretending it’s no big deal.
*******************


As for “how we met our (wayward) spouses”, anyone else care to share?
I met Mr UKg on the beach! (It was going to be a simple summer romance)

[This message edited by UKgirl at 5:07 PM, December 1st (Saturday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, December 1st (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, oh, oh! MOW has removed her Linkedin profile. Just checked her out. Big, majorly BIG smile. The bitch has run away. Guess the click on her profile together with the silent calls to the landline and her mobile has (hopefully) had the desired effect. Burn in hell. Melt like the wicked witch of the west. Vapourise in the breath of my hatred. Fuck off. Be gone.

I feel sick.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, December 2nd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So much going on... hugs all around, to share joy for those in a good place and to give extra support for those who need it and for fellowship to my LTA loved ones.

Special baby hugs for m3! Will check back for photos.

As for Nell, I am in a very happy, peaceful place. For those of you who prayed for my baby niece, she is a gorgeous little thing, smart as a whip and very happy despite one hospitalization after another. She's on the mend again, and we hope the medical drama is coming to an end soon. That little girl is very loved.

And so are you all. I know this time of year is difficult for many of us here, but please remember that YOU ARE LOVED.

XOXO - Nell


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, December 2nd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MCJack-
You described my FWH's LTA exactly!
It was never intended to replace the marriage (not for either of the APs).Describing it like a parasite that depends on the marriage to keep it alive.
How true.
After d-day I told my FWH to go to the OW and I emailed the OW that they could be together now full time.
Neither of them were interested in that.
Like your FWW....my FWH and the OW got together at yearly work conferences, conventions, training sessions....
they could have hooked up every day because they worked in the same office building but did not..instead they would go months in between conferences.
It was one huge game....a sick one...the graphic emails... etc. counting down to the 'fun', the drinking, gambling, and of course kinky sex.
yes there was an addictive quality to the whole thing-an escape from reality.
and a total disconnect from the possible damage the behavior could cause.
After d-day the MOW (whose BH finally divorced her after this latest LTA of hers) said to a co-worker that she thought they were just having 'fun'......(this was after being told that I said my marriage was destroyed by the LTA).

so yes...I agree...that LTAs are often like this.

UKgirl- so happy that your OW has gone back into hiding under a rock! Hopefully, her linkedin stalking days are over!

Reunite Pangea- Sorry that you find yourself here. Hopefully reading our stories will help you get some insight and at least know that you are not alone.
The thing with your children is so tough.
In my case- I contacted the MOW's husband right after d-day. He was a very nice guy-definitely did not deserve what she had done.
He told me that he already knew about the LTA with my FWH! And ws just biding his time. He was done due to the fact that he had gone through this before with her.
She had her first LTA 30+ years ago with another married co-worker and during those years of the LTA she gave birth to 2 children.
I never dared ask him if he wondered about the paternity.
I'm sure it weighed heavily on him. He was a real good dad from all accounts.

Sending hugs to lostsoul and manybroken pieces-sorry that you're going through a tough time.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


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