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User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 30
FightingBack
♀ Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, November 1st (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would like some feedback about something please.

I did something kind of sneaky. I have read numerous emails between FWH and OW and noticed one a couple of years ago regarding the anniversary of when she started working for him. I also have a feel for the kind of wording she used in emails so I decided to test him. Probably not very honest on my part,.

About two weeks ago I created a very similar email account and emailed him pretending to be her. Again probably not a good idea as dday is coming up in a few weeks.

In the email I wrote that I (she) was remembering the anniversary of her beginning her career at his company,was thinking about her worth as an employee and as a person and just had to know if I (she)had ever meant anything to him (FWH) personally.

I know he received the email, but it was deleted soon after. There has been no reply to this bogus email account, but also, he has not mentioned anything to me about having received it.

This goes against our rule of telling me immediately if she has had contact with him. It makes me wonder if there have been other communication attempts that he is not telling me about.

I don't want to tell him that I set up this test, and I don't want to tell him that I have access to his email.

As a matter of fact, just after he had deleted it, he got a new iphone and gave me his old one. After one week, he was surprised to see that his work email was still being forward to the old phone that I now use. He deleted the account because he was afraid that I might "accidentally" delete an important work email from the phone and hence from his server.

He doesn't know that I still get his work emails on my ipad.

I feel I am being devious, but it also shows me that he is not being as transparent as I would like.

Any thoughts?


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 663 | Registered: Feb 2012
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, November 1st (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7yrsflushed

Feel free to bring the 2X4's if I need them.

Ok, I’ll give you one. But it comes with a long story… lol…

Back in February of this year, I kept asking my wife, why she never initiates sex, never romances me, never show me affection… We got into this huge emotional discussion to the point she yell, “You don’t get it” It was a deeply charge conversation to say the least. I made sure she knew she was a broken woman. Sure, she looked at herself having these affairs.. yep, she was broken. She compromised believing she was broken and sex therapy is what we needed. I gave her a few weeks and she did nothing. I felt unloved. I was done with my marriage.

No, I didn’t get it.

You describe what you’ve done from an appearance point of view. I’m sure you know appearance is far from what a woman needs to be attracted to you; to feel a desire, want to give you love, to want to give you sex or even just a hug. I hear and have read that men think of love from a more visual standpoint. Sure, we have it within us to think love is not sex, but it seems to be that important to a man. This is very hard for me to describe. Feelings are so complex.

For a long time I gave much thought to what love is and is not, Heck, remember UK, njgal480
M3, Ats, forgivenotforget and others? We had debates! LOL… Well, I have concluded love was defined by wise men a long time ago. It was even said when I said my wedding vows to my wife.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

This definition of love is a belief. That one statement says so much. It can be broken down into actions by you. It can be broken down into millions of word and inclusive to many different types of relationships.

There is a great book written everyone should read and live. It’s called The Five Languages of Love. The author is very good at describing many aspects of love. It tells it like in the sense of a noun. The book doesn’t hit it all though. It was written to guide people, to help people understand the meaning of love. People often believe that love is some sort of feeling. Books, movies, art, often try to teach us that love is the emotion, the feeling.

Feelings are feelings and part of the human make up. Our brains are attracted to other humans visually, a physical attraction, it stimulates feelings, sexual feelings, happy feelings.. This is not love. I can feel certain things when I look at millions of woman. Same goes for a woman about a man. But we can also have feelings of depression, sadness, negativity.. Those are feelings.

It is my belief our families did not teach us to love in many ways. It sure isn’t something we sit around and talk about. Sure, they probable taught to love healthy in some ways. Heck, maybe when I was growing up, it didn’t sink in like it should of. I cannot fault my parents for not knowing how to teach me to love the right way. Maybe they were ignorant. Who knows? At what point in my life did I ever really think about, debate, and understand, what love is supposed to be? Not until now.

Please let me share history and what I have learned. Maybe it applies to you. I say you have two very important discoveries you need find and work on. Both are about you.

The first is to love you. When you do love yourself, good feelings will always follow.

25 years ago, my wife was partying with her friends staying out until 3 am. It happened more than once. It didn’t feel right. I told her, “she was on shaky ground”.

From about 1993 or so, she was trying to tell me a something was missing, but she could not tell me what it was. Her girlfriends got it, but I did not. What was it? Why didn’t I understand what it was? It was never put in way I could understand.

In 2000, I knew my wife was spending at least as much time with her OM as with me. A work affair. I knew my wife was having long conversations with OM on the telephone during her commute home. It didn’t feel right. It was my “gut feeling”. I can remember conversations about
the time she was spending with OM after work. I didn’t like it. Something inside me told me it was wrong. My wife defended herself greatly. Yes, she lied and tricked me as flawed humans do. But this affair continued this time, not like 25 years earlier when her behavior changed and she broke it off quick.

I was almost there! My parent almost taught me a very critical aspect of love. This is something not mention in the Five Languages of Love. It was not taught in that book… “Love always protects.”

What was it about me? I didn’t love myself enough to protect me.

Why did I accept NOT being love shortly after that? The love of touch, sex still existed but unfulfilled to my own sexuality. Why did I masturbate to make up for something my wife should have been giving me? Why did I laugh off the lack love of affirmation not given to me under the vow promised? Why did I transfer my attention to my kids and accept no attention from my wife? Why did I believe in a vow given to me by a flawed human? What was it about me that allowed my wife to believe that our marriage was NOT supposed to be mutually beneficial? What was it about me, where I could not anticipate, understand, and execute unfulfilled needs my wife was missing?

Did she really trick me? No. I knew something was not right. I didn’t love myself enough to be courageous! You “get it” now don’t you? Do you really know love? Make this the new you. This is now something you must know completely and my bet you didn’t know before. Allow love to protect you. It is impossible for any woman to have deep feelings for two men and show, execute, demonstrate mature complete love to both at the same time. You are going to see it because you now know every aspect of love completely. You are going to see it if you open your eyes. Once you know love, you will always be on the right side in any conflict. You have the courage to bring on conflict when your partner is not showing you love. You do it to protect yourself. Never ever compromise. You conflict every time the opposite of love shows its ugliness. Love yourself today and fear not temporary bad feelings. Love always perseveres.

And what about all those unfulfilled needs your wife was missing? The behavior we imperfect men have. A woman who’s needs are completely filled will not risk losing that man. It does not matter what broken historical event she experienced.

I would be lying to myself if I said I met all my W’s needs over the years.

Love is kind. You give your W words of affirmation. EVERYDAY. How hard is that? Pretty damn hard. Kindness include gifts, services… Much like in the book, The 5 languages Love.

A woman needs a man ….
of stature within his own realm of community and Social Status
who believes in personal responsibility
Transparent
is interesting
entertaining
always different
a leader in things
Respect and honor yourself both mentally and physically
take time just to talk and share
A good father
work hard to bring in the best for the family
Who always wants to learn
who says what he wants
who is always positive
who is spiritual
who knows how to forgive, makes the choice, and then executes it.
who faces evil face to face in courage
who stands up to her when she is wrong.
and a thousand other things.


The hard part is discovering what those needs are because your woman cannot tell you what they are. If she could, you would be doing them already. Once you know, then you change to be that man. Not many great men around. You discover this attractiveness and are the ideal man, you will be fighting off all kinds of woman. I give you three months of being the ideal man, your wife will start loving you again. She will again fill the need you seek.

I will say this, I cannot say if your wife is in the very small percentage of women who will “NEVER” get it. Your W could very well be a woman who cannot EVER receive enough love; endlessly searching to have it fulfilled… by a man she will never find.

You have it within yourself to look past the initials under that black heart. It will compare to you knowing your wife was with other men before you, like previous boyfriend. Those feelings fade with time as your mind process the affair thoughts. They go away when your wife begins to be attracted to you again, willingly, and doing it on her own. Good feeling happen when she starts loving you again; like when you first met.

No matter what happens, you need to change who you were and become a different man. IMO, if you don’t you will continue to be the victim of endless infidelity.

[This message edited by trynhard at 12:42 PM, November 1st (Thursday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, November 1st (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FightingBack, you have three choices as I see it.
1 Ask him directly if he has heard from her lately. Pull him up on it if he says no.
2 Come clean and tell him you set up the test, you know he received the email and ask why he didn’t tell you. If he gets hissy about it, explain that you were testing your theory (have some back up previous history of this at the ready) and it would seem he has failed the test.
3 Don’t tell him and still regard it as a test he has failed. But if you choose this one, it will bug you for a long, long time.

You need to deal with this NOW or you will be in the same situation as I am 6yrs down the line. Difference being MOW is stalking, but transparency is PARAMOUNT if there is to be rebuilding of trust. What you let go in the past is now a subject for discussion. If he doesn’t like it, he’d better get over himself and start thinking of you first.

I tried to explain this to Mr UKg by saying he should imagine what I would want him to do, what he would do if I was looking over his shoulder, what comment he would make and then just do it. Frankly, Mr Fightingback’s feelings don’t come into the equation right now. He is supposed to be paying back the huge trust debt and then putting the account into the black.

But this act might put things back a few paces. He may wonder what your next test will be and when. So you'd better come up with a good reason why you felt the need to do it.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, November 1st (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FightingBack

You “pinged” him.. lol

I try hard to make the choice to trust these days. I look hard at what my wife is doing. What is my wife doing to loving me? Is your H loving you?

I sometime think my W still touches base with the OM. My first thought when reading your post was your H has fear. He is afraid to tell you. I am sure my wife does not have the courage to tell me if OM contacted her. I think my W’s fears would be that my emotions will get all torn up. After all, she saw first hand for months and months the pain. Why open that can of worms? So it would be about my wife wanting to protect me.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, November 1st (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UK.. she could take this approach….

FB... In a loving way, a matter of fact way

Day 1… “Honey, I was just thinking, do you have a value that our marriage where we are completely open and honest no matter what pain that may come from it?” Then just look at him until it becomes uncomfortable.
He might says “what?” you say.. “nothing” and go about your day.

Day 2 or 3.. “Honey, do you think it is ok to break an agreement we had with each other?” “It's just me thinking”

Day 5 or 6, "Honey, I feel good about us these days. You can always be Ok with tell me anything" "oh no big deal, I just want to be in a good marriage with the best possible values"

Day 8 - 10
“Honey, do you have something you want to tell me?” “Nothing, I just have a gut feeling about something” “Oh well, I guess I will know sooner or later”

Then leave it alone.. GPS his ass for awhile. If you find nothing, you'll feel better. Then work on ways to make him feel safer to tell ya stuff.

This way, his memory might get triggered and he'll tell ya. He will feel far better about himself for confessing. It may lead into some good feelings both ways. He won't have so much fear next time.

He might suspect it was you too. He now will wait to see what you do!

You could also just flat out say.. I pinged you. We had an agreement you broke it. I have a value, I am not going to be in a marriage with an man too afraid to be honest. No argue, no fight, then go about your day as if nothing happened. Let him be mad. He's wrong for not telling you. PERIOD. FB do you have the courage to end your marriage?

You are going to know if he's still at his A... one way or another, sooner or later. If he is going to cheat, he is going to cheat.

These days, I just expect to be loved in the best possible way to my wife's ablity. If she cannot, She is not going to be my wife, affair or no affair. But I also do the same in reciprocity. Part of that means I no longer ping her. I might hurt some if a next time comes, but I sure won't be in trauma.

[This message edited by trynhard at 1:55 PM, November 1st (Thursday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, November 1st (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

trynhard: I have read your post at least 10 times. Your post does ring true with me and does describe my situation. The line below was esepcially telling for me.

No matter what happens, you need to change who you were and become a different man. IMO, if you don’t you will continue to be the victim of endless infidelity.

This is my first marriage but it isn't my first go around with unfaithful significant others. I thought I "got it" after my previous relationship before getting married but I didn't. This A as horrible as it was, was a wakeup call to me in general. I in no way take blame for my wife's A but I readily recognize the part I played in the marriage up until then. I did a lot of looking at myself over the last year. I think i did get the 1st part you described. I am figuring out how to love myself again and I have been making changes in myself that I needed to make anyway. I figured this part out after the last relationship but fell back into old habits durign the marraige. I am starting to project confidence again and feel better about myself. I did take a setback when my wife basically said she was giving up on the marriage. There was no reason for me to go looking for shit when I was already on a clear path. Thus I find the tattoo and set myself back.

The second part is a little harder for me. If this makes any sense I had to separate my feeling for the A from my feelings toward my wife if I was ever going to be able to move on. I say this because in the past the only way I could move on after a relationship was thermo-nuclear hatred towards the other person. i have children now and no matter what happens i have to be able to be cordial with my wife for the rest of my life since we will have to deal with each other concerning them. So I chose to mentally seperate the A from my dealings with my wife. I sucked at this horribly initially but I did it. I moved past the A and was working solely on myself and trying to rebuild things with my wife. Then the rug got pulled from under me when she suddenly says she want to give up. Which brought me back to the forums.

Back to the second part though, I am still working on it but I somewhat get that as well. I have figured out some of my wifes needs. Some she has told me for years and I ignored and others I was doing already and just needed to continue. I started to converse more with my wife, bought her cards, helped out more aroudn the house, and tried to do the things I knew she needed and as a husband I should have been doing. The hardest thing for me which is still hard and I believe an issue for my wife is letting go of my role as the "fixer". so now my wife has basically asked for a seperation but doen absolutley nothing to move forward with it. She want sto go back to school, that's good, she wants to volunteer, that's good, she wants to spend time witht eh kids, that's good, she wants to take control mroe control of her finances that's is good as well. I have to step back and let her do her thing just in case this is her trying to work through her issues.

Now comes the big question for me. Love is courageous you say. i agree 100% but in this situation do i continue to push forward with showing my wife the changes I have made which will push her further into her hole or do i back off continue to work on myself and let her see the changes I have made based on my actions as this new person.

i have read "his Needs, Her Needs, After the affair, the Married Man Sex Life Primer, and now i am reading, how to improve yoru marriage without talkign about it alogn with info on the web and of course this great site. I really have transformed myself and I do realize that understanding my wifes needs and any womans needs for that matter is an ongoing process. At a minimum i have given myself tools that i didn't have before. I struggle daily with continuing to fight for my marriage. I was full in until she bascially put on the brakes. If i am understanding you correctly Love as a belief is something that is what I make it and if I want this to work then I must continue on the path i am to transforming myself not only for me and my wife but any future relationship i may be in. Where i was mentally before the tattoo incedent and where i am getting back to now is that if my wife needs space then she can have space but that doesn't mean I will stop working on myself which in my opinion does answer the question of what does/did my wife need from me. I can't change my wife but I can change myself and in the process become someone that she may coem back to but if not I am equipped to move forward on my own. I appreciae the feedback. If I missed or you feel I misinterpreted anything please let me know.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1580 | Registered: May 2011
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, November 1st (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7yrs
Love as a belief is something that is what I make it and if I want this to work then I must continue on the path i am to transforming myself not only for me and my wife but any future relationship i may be in.
Bingo! By bettering and knowing yourself, you quietly boost your confidence and you project that confidence into everything that you do. This in turn will make you feel the self love that is missing. The assurance that you ARE a decent person with attractive and desirable attributes.

Women tend to like men who are self assured – not to the point of arrogance, but to the point at which a woman can feel safe. If you project yourself in this way and you can get back some of that self belief you had from when you were younger, without faking it but just being at home and comfortable with yourself, then either your wife will be drawn back to you and you can reconcile – or you will know you have a character of quality to offer another woman.

Guess I’m saying to be a bit of a horse whisperer. You lead and she’ll (hopefully) follow.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 1:00 AM, November 2nd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Hope you yanks are safe.

((((UK))))

((((ATS))))

((((DP))))

((((((Newbies)))))

Have come out of lurkdom with some wonderful news.

OW3 has sold her house, finished up at work today and is leaving town.

HUGS for all

Laura

[This message edited by Laura28 at 1:06 AM, November 2nd (Friday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 1:58 AM, November 2nd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry, ATS, I was going to read your post and respond to it, but like 3 words in I realized you were posting wrong...


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 2:11 AM, November 2nd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn, you're a genius. And that Love Languages stuff is worth it's weight in gold. On Halloween my husband came home early to take the kids trick or treating with me, and last night he got up on a chair and cleaned the fan before bed. Later today, I will go buy him some fishing lures at the local tackle store and wrap them up in pretty paper, and then I will give him a back rub.

Saying you love someone works too, but the right actions make a bigger impression.

FightingBack -- Dumb move. Now you've put her back in his head on purpose? You have secret access to his work e-mail? Depending on what he does, that might actually be a crime.

I say come clean. There will be fireworks, but I think you need to.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 6:37 AM, November 2nd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...like 3 words in I realized you were posting wrong...

At least you did not throw anything.

It appears she is trying to get a better job, or hoping for an inheritence, before moving out. I dunno for sure as she is not talking to me other than sarcastic comments and "yes, but" statements. I suspect that ultimately I am going to have to file and force the issue to move her out, and there will not be any amicable separation.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, November 2nd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura:
OW3 has sold her house, finished up at work today and is leaving town.
Yay!!!!

AND DON'T COME BACK!!!

Have a nice weekend.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:57 AM, November 3rd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi UK

Thanks. I love it

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, November 3rd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7yrsflushed

I think you are getting it. You may already get it. I am going to tell you more about loving yourself and what I have learned. There are things that happen to us all. They are GIVENS in life.


Pain is part of life. Life does not always go according to plan. People are not always loving or loyal. Life is not always fair. Everything changes and ends.


How you handle these things that happen to us will determine our own happiness.


We do not have to allow what happen yesterday to ruin our lives. Hey, I can have pain when I remember being betrayed. I can have pain discovering infidelity again. But because my new belief is…. it will not be the end of the world, I cannot fall into a trauma again.

My W can make the choice to cheat me again. That is her choice. It will bring on pain. But today, she is not cheating based on all the information I know. We need to be aware, know the “gut feeling” and not be so innocent. We need to know what love is and have the value, I am not going to accept someone who SAYS they are going to loving me, then sit by and let them not love me. (right Nell?)

This is why I say, this is always about US. I don’t care who you marry or who you have a relationship with; bad behaviors are going to happen.

Last night, my wife stayed after work. She did not call me to let me know. We had talked about going out for dinner earlier that day. I call her, my daughter called her, we texted her. No response. This was not typical of my wife since my dday. At 7 pm, I told my DD, let’s go. About 7:15, W calls us and ask where we are at. She meets us. “I was at the office they settled a $500,000 case and were celebrating”


Later that evening, I brought on conflict. “W, Let me tell ya something, You did not call, It brought on bad feelings, You can celebrate all you want, when you want, with who you want, but I want you to call me” Of course, she defended her actions by blaming it on me for not calling the switchboard. I never responded to that. Not a word. I went on to watch my own tv show.


Earlier in that day, I was romancing her with words. No Way, I followed up with that. Sure, I wanted my sexual needs to be fulfilled, but no way in hell I want them from an inconsiderate W. She did apologize to me. I made the choice to forgive her and I will continue to love her.

The old me, “oh well, go about my day”

The new me, the next time she does not call me, I am going to not love her. She can stay and party all she wants. I will flat out tell her, I am not going to be with a woman like her. Inconsiderate of my feelings. Sure, I will have bad feelings for a short time, but I will have courage to protect them for my future.


She does it again, I will start taking care of only me. I will wash my own dishes, not give her any attention, wash my own cloths.. And I will tell her I am going to call a lawyer to see what it takes for her to no longer be in my world. Sure, I will have bad feelings until she is out of my world, but they won’t last long.


I can be very happy without my W. I know I would have more money to spend, less services and energy to give a partner, and the exciting possibility of what naturally happens in new relationship.. People give more in new relationships.


Those books are good reads. Read more because what I have found is that many people have different ideas. To know, than execute what a woman needs is not so easy.


When you know you have given it all, and someone still chooses not to love you, You love yourself. You have a value that.. People who do not love me are not going to be in my world. That is what I am teaching my adult kids right now at every opportunity.


I kinda had that value, I knew of that value, But I did not know how to handle how to treat another when they are not loving you. I am never going to allow anyone to get to the point where they abuse me. And yes, infidelity is abuse.


I once argued. I don’t argue any more. I know what love is, and is not. People can give me any excuse they want, I don’t care. I now state what I want. If they don’t give me what I want, that is their choice. I can and will take them out of my life.


When you have similar values, your partnership will flourish health and with happiness. Masculinity is a strength that is held in reserve and controlled by your calm, conscious will-power according to your values and ideals. When values don’t match those of your partners, you don’t argue, you make sure your partner knows them, and it is out of your control if they don’t match. When something or someone matches and harmonizes with your values, they get rewarded with your time, attention, approval etc.


I do not compromise.

If my wife came to me and said, “I want space”… OK I will go ahead and get the lawyer to terminate our marriage. My W better not dare tell me that. I would tell her, this is not what I want, but if that is what you want, I will give it to you.


A value, you only control yourself, you allow others to make there own choices. You let them have what they want, let them react to you. You care less. The one that cares less in the relationship has the power.


And me, If I am not giving my absolute best to love in all the right ways. SHAME ON ME. I am the on with the problem, not anyone else. A normal person reacts positive to your attractive behaviors. You eliminate NOT normal people from your life.


We have discussed forgiving on this board too. Forgiving is always a choice. It is not easy to forgive the person who gave you trauma. But you can. Feelings are always changing. Feeling come and go.


When you forgive, YOU NEVER bring up past failing. You live and do everything in our power to live for today. You see that black heart, you make the choice, I will not bring up her infidelity. She covered the initials in shame. Who in there right mind would be proud of a relationship built on secrets? She hides it. Your wife is likely a normal woman. Is she?

Anyway.. I know, I am a preacher.. lol Enjoy the conversations… Go empower yourself.

Peace to all.

M3.. Damn, wish I could get a back rub! See! Reciprocity!!!!


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, November 4th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Saw my barrister & am feeling ok at present. Not looking forward to Tuesday & our day in court. Its been over a week since any contact with my kids...its hard.
Read Steve Biddulpp "Manhood" over the week end & have enrolled in a course for men in separation /divorce.
MIL feeds me very well.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, November 4th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MIL feeds me very well.
Well that’s good. A warm and nutritiously full stomach can help to feed your soul. I do hope you have a lawyer that can speak for you and a judge who can be sympathetic to your needs and desires and who can see through your WW. If she is out for blood, no good can come for anyone. She is riding on emotion and revenge – not good. I wish you calm and peace and for those who have the power to see sense. The support of others in your position will hold you up.

When will you know about your employment situation?


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, November 4th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do hope you have a lawyer that can speak for you

Ex cop 20 yrs experience specialising in DVO. Understand judge is firm but fair so wont take any bs; but as we know a cornered animal is very dangerous!
I really just want some time with my kids to tell them how much I love them & that none of this is their fault.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, November 5th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyway.. I know, I am a preacher.. lol Enjoy the conversations… Go empower yourself.

Thanks Tryn. You give excellent sermons by the way


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1580 | Registered: May 2011
FightingBack
♀ Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, November 5th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKgirl and Tryn,

I'm back to thank you for your responses. I haver emerged back to them a few times over the last week, and decided to say nothing about the email at this point.

I am conscious of your warning UK girl, in that I have to deal with this sooner than later, but I want to keep my options open for a while. I may use this again.
Tryn, I do agree that H's not mentioning the communication was probably out of fear, but I so wish that his fear wouldn't override his honesty. I guess it is a hard habit to break.

In the meantime, H discovered that his work emails are also sent to my home PC. He happened on it by chance, as he rarely uses that computer. He said nothing, but I noticed him deleting everything there also. This was after I made a comment about transparency following him deleting his account from his old iPhone. At that time he had said "You can look on my laptop anytime you like"

My gut tells me that his concern os about having important emails deleted "accidentally" but I don't like it, just the same.

I will keep checking, as unfortunately, I don't quite feel secure, and BTW Tryn, I do GPS him everyday. Since dday he has been nowhere that hasn't been accounted for.

I wonder when I will stop feeling the need to check.


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 663 | Registered: Feb 2012
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, November 5th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I didn't realise that my little Snow White "BYE WHORE" was on my Facebook through Photobucket.

Wonder if MOW whore saw it over the weekend? I do hope so!

I've taken it off now.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
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