Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: northeasternarea (43214)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 30
gotta2know
♀ Member
Member # 37115
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, February 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had my first counseling session yesterday. She thinks that I am in no condition to make any decisions about my marriage. There are too many other things on my plate and that I am too depressed. She thinks with my dad having a very serious brain cancer and having kids at home that in the short term I should get my feet about me first.

Right now she suggests I try another medication. She believes biologically I need some help before I can make decisions.

My husband was VERY intimidated by this appointment. Before I went, he sent me a text saying "don't let anyone talk you out of believing that I love you". After the appointment, late last night he called me saying that he thinks we've only got a year before I divorce him. He admits being afraid that I will divorce him. I tried explaining that the counseling is for me. I need to feel better about myself, build self-esteem and self worth. I said I also need someone unbiased to talk to about his affair. I explained that basically I am beating myself up for staying with him. There are lots of intenal pressures telling me to divorce him because of what he's doing to me and that divorce is what happens when you are married to a cheater. I don't want to divorce so I battle myself alot.

When I was married before we went to couseling and he knows that probably led to divorce. Our counselor pointed out to me that my ex-husband continually made choices that hurt me and that I can't make him do what I want and that I need to make my own choices. It was what finally broke the camel's back in that marriage and my current husband knows it.

We will see what happens. For now, I am trying to be very nice and not discuss the affair too much. It still comes up here and there but I am trying to be real removed from it. I am being the giving wife I should be and it is up to him to decide how to handle it. I am going to try to continue down the path of what is right and we will see if he comes along. I think in time, with counseling, I can get the strength to follow through with what is right.

I appreciate your comments. I already feel much better. I needed someone to tell me it's ok not to make decisions, it's ok to feel like a wreck, etc., etc.


BW - 46 (me)
WH - 46(repeated cheater, cake eater)
Married 17 years
DD 4/8/2011 and many more
3 children- 22(mine), 16 and 13
Living in misery trying to understand why I choose to do so.
I like the saying "feel the fear and do it anyway!&

Posts: 165 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: SD
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, February 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad you appt was productive gotta2know. My counselor told me something that was very similar to what your counselor told you.

She said,

It's okay to be in the moment as long as you need to be. Choosing to not make a decision is in fact making a decision. It's also a very valid choice to make and it's okay.

The advice your IC gave you is really good. It's basically the same mantra I used to get myself straight and we hear around here so often.

that in the short term I should get my feet about me first

Make sure you take care of you first. I wish you the best. Don't let anyone discourage you from taking positive steps forward for YOU. I am glad you are feeling better.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 7:52 AM, February 1st (Friday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1574 | Registered: May 2011
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, February 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gotta2know -- I think a lot of LTA BS's have PTSD. It's tough to make any decisions in that condition.

Pretending nothing is wrong won't help matters either. Why are you trying to be a "loving, giving wife"? Your WH does not deserve it.

Post Dday I have tried to be courteous. I made a decision early on that I would at least be as polite to WH as I would be to a stranger.

The truth is, my WH is a stranger. Being his wife is not a relationship -- it's a job. I could be anyone who fulfills the requirements.

I spent a lot of time with an outward focus. I was actually (getting nowhere in) one sided marriage counseling for two years before I finally figured out there was an Affair going on.

Anyway, not too ramble too much, but I changed. That's why I caught the affair. I was uncomfortable with emotional intimacy and generally untrusting. When I reached a point where I wanted those things and tried to get them in my marriage, I ran into multiple impediments.

At the end of the day, the impediment was that I got involved with someone who does not have those things to offer. I did it because of my own fears and limitations at the time we married and now I have to deal with it one way or another.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, February 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

gotta2know
What your H told you was he is feeling VERY unsafe right now. This is very bad and you must be aware. It is not attractive. YOU be aware. You are keen. You are in this mode you know it. Good.

You can say things to make him feel safe. You might now want to given you know what you know. I don’t blame you… I will give you some of what I think. I think you have a super opportunity right now to lead your H in a better place.

“honey, the IC is for me. (confirm this again. Repetition is the way people learn. You did very good on that comment last night; hats off to you, that is quality gotta.. you have that! ) I want only you and no other man. I want our M. You need to know I love only you and nobody IC I see dealing with my feelings of me wanting You. What will affect my choice to R. Be aware honey, what will affect may decision to love you is your being completely honest with me, how you treat me, how you decide to end all those attractions you have with another woman, how you decide to behave. Can I tell you, I don’t feel safe either. If I should discover you still have attractions for another, it will be something out of my control. Only you have that control. Love is always a choice. We must mutually decide to love each other in a caring, honest, giving, intimate and sexual way. I can make the choice. I want you to make that choice. You should know something about attractions. Fidelity is attractive. Fidelity is what a woman needs. I can only give that to you on my end. I have no control over your choices.”

Put it in your own words and be very careful what you say. Be positive.. be strong.. Make him react to you.

She thinks that I am in no condition to make any decisions about my marriage.

She is right about that. You cannot R when your man is acting, being, doing things that you know he is with someone else. That is why we all are saying.. His relationship with the OW must stop. If he wants to stop it, great, if not nothing you can do. There are ways to expose. It is your choice.

I agree with her. Since you have kids, you must protect them. You need a very good plan that once you make the choice, you will be free, you can support them, you will be OK.

I agree with her.. Your dad. You have two huge issues on your plate. The pain of end is so hard and I feel so… sorry for you about your dad. Can you know your dad might be called by God right now. You can start to think and celebrate all the good he did for you. We all will die one day. But one thing that will live on is the good memories. The beautiful memories. I am so sorry about your dad. I hope his illness will not be too painful.

The drugs. I am not a pro but I am not a big believer of drugs as a crutch. I love this book called The Five Things We Cannot Change. It talks about refuges we seek after trauma. Drugs are a refuge. I will say some people with brain chemistry do need drugs. M3 might be an expert on this can add to this discussion. But I also know the drugs are so easy to get, Doctors are so quick to hand out as a solution.

My wife and I both went on an AD. They definitely change brain chemistry and feelings. I got to a point I was strong enough with my own feelings and drive, I got off them. Temporary, YES, they gave me some peace and helped. But it was my own strength that ultimately solved my feelings.

My wife believes drugs are a great refuge. But only when I started to behave in a far more forgiving, loving, caring way, she decided she did not need them. I will make a point. I was responsible for her not needing them. I did things that gave her good thoughts. I Gave here good feeling because when I gave her the gift of good thoughts.. she had good feelings that followed. It got to a point that she just did not need the chemicals that bring good feelings. You get what I am saying Gotta? And remember, I made the choice to behave is such a way. I can only do the things I can do. I worked on me so I was not a “Hardcore pawn” type person, It was not easy to look at myself and see who I was. It is not easy to know who you need to be, how to be the most attractive man you can be. The most attractive woman you can be.

I am glad you have decided to be a loving woman in your situation. It may or may not end up positive with your H in the end, but you damn sure will be a much stronger, better woman in the end.. And you will be blessed for being that woman.

Peace be with you Gotta.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, February 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3..
Why are you trying to be a "loving, giving wife"? Your WH does not deserve it.

No he does not...

Oh but remember.. Love is patent. We were, yes?

Sorry for answering on my own belief Gotta.. I cannot help myself.. LOL.. you answer now.

[This message edited by trynhard at 11:33 AM, February 1st (Friday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
gotta2know
♀ Member
Member # 37115
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, February 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel good about where I'm at. I like not feeling like I need to boot my husband out because of his affair, it's not what I want. We both understand it has to stop and he admits it. I believe I will come to the right decision, whatever that is in my own time. I also believe that I need to give my marriage every effort and when I feel I've given it my all and he still hasn't chosen me, I will know it's ok to let go.

I am going to go down the right road MYSELF in my behaviors and he can do what he wants. I believe with counseling I will get strong enough to have the nerve to end the marriage if he continues with her. I am going to pretty much throw it in his court and let him make his choices. I hope he choses us. If not, I will have the strength to walk away- I will have done all the right things.

I am not ignoring what he has done, it hurts like hell. He probably doesn't deserve me being a loving wife, but he is my husband and until I feel I've done all I can I am going to do what's right. I am going to love him and make him feel wanted and safe.

I do believe he loves me and has made some bad choices. I'm hoping with me doing what's right, he will follow along. If not, I guess I have my answer as to what happens next.

I am going to give myself a break and just love him for now. I can only control me and I'm going to do what's right because I think I will feel better in the end.

Thanks for your thoughts and encouragement.


BW - 46 (me)
WH - 46(repeated cheater, cake eater)
Married 17 years
DD 4/8/2011 and many more
3 children- 22(mine), 16 and 13
Living in misery trying to understand why I choose to do so.
I like the saying "feel the fear and do it anyway!&

Posts: 165 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: SD
ReunitePangea
♂ Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, February 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Try and 7yrs for confirming my thoughts that I am ok not knowing everything.

I had another observation that I would certainly only post in this LTA group cause it may come off harsh. I have read a lot of stories of others A's on here in an attempt to figure out how to deal with my own situation best. I do have to say that when I read about a ONS on here and how difficult they are dealing with it I struggle to see how horrible it is.

I envy these people and would trade my situation for a second for theirs. One bad decision, one lie, a small moment in time - while I get it still could be shocking, I could deal with that and get past in a very short amount of time compared to what these LTA's have dealt us. I get it, likely there are other things in the M that need to be dealt with, so focus on that because the ONS itself is such a small part of that all. They can at least easily dig back to a part of the M that is still good.

These LTA's feel truely like everything has to start over - the years of time invested in building the M to date are lost. Its like our BS took our lifes savings, bet them all on black and lost it all. With a ONS it just feels like all they bet and lost was one weeks paycheck.


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 406 | Registered: Nov 2012
gotta2know
♀ Member
Member # 37115
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, February 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with you Reunited. LTAs suck and there is more baggage to deal with when the BS finds out.

I wish it was as "easy" as dealing with the short term betrayal of a ONS. These LTAs involve so much more. I feel like my husband has a whole other life outside of me. I don't know this whore at all. He has shared many things with her over the last 2 years and for that I am so jealous, and it's probably what hurts the most. For me, sex is just sex. It definitely means more in an intimate relationship. A ONS doesn't typically have much emotion.

It probably does sounds harsh and I'm sorry if I hurt anyone's feelings.


BW - 46 (me)
WH - 46(repeated cheater, cake eater)
Married 17 years
DD 4/8/2011 and many more
3 children- 22(mine), 16 and 13
Living in misery trying to understand why I choose to do so.
I like the saying "feel the fear and do it anyway!&

Posts: 165 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: SD
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, February 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Pang,

I am not so sure that I would 'trade' for a ONS.

While I don't like knowing my WWs heart was involved, I do appreciate that she did only get physical when 'love' was involved. Adultry didnt come cheaply.

So like I posted in another forum, there is no silver lining to cheating and lying. It all sucks no matter what variation. You just have different issues to deal with.


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, February 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I envy these people and would trade my situation for a second for theirs. One bad decision, one lie, a small moment in time - while I get it still could be shocking, I could deal with that and get past in a very short amount of time compared to what these LTA's have dealt us.

It's all in the perspective. I can imagine a BS in the ONS stand scenario having similar thoughts about us but just reversed. I can see them saying what is wrong with those BS's in LTA's. That decision to D should be easy. There WS cheated for years and most definitely can't change. There is no reason to even stay once they found out it was for years they should have no problem filing for D. But since my WS only had a ONS I feel obligated to stay because it's not a pattern and we can work on this to fix it.

See it's all in the perspective. A's are A's and while each has it's own set of difficulties to go through it all sucks regardless. I used to think similar thoughts but at the end of the day what happened happened and I had to face that fact and make decisions that I am okay with based on my specific circumstances.

However I do understand how you feel. Now that I have decided to D I actually wonder how the people in R did and continue to do it. I understand it's hard work but never truly having a remorseful spouse I can't relate to them in that sense so I do envy them from afar but I just move forward with the choice I made based on the information I had at the time and with no regrets.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1574 | Registered: May 2011
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, February 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ah -- lots there.

Tryn and I are both Catholic, so there is that perspective. It's not wrong to be a loving giving wife as long as she knows why she's doing it and it's not for some dysfunctional reason.

I love all the implicit and overt assumptions I saw in the last few posts. People choose to remain married for a wide variety of reasons. Not all BS's who remain married think their spouses will stop cheating or that they are remorseful.

As I told OW and my WH on Dday -- spouses who remain faithful do not do so because they lack opportunity or temptation or a desire for excitement or variety -- they do it because they made a promise and they decided to keep it. They choose to keep it for a variety of reasons -- security, love, shared memories and traditions, to give their children the best possible future, their own moral standards - or any other reason that is important to them.

So, there you go. Or as Sharon Osbourne said -! The easiest way to stay married is to just never file for divorce.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, February 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MC_Jack makes a good point. I happen to think a LTA does have another advantage. At least for me and maybe for others.

My wife told me.. Her OM was not marriage material. I was so confused to hear that at the time, but today I can see the advantage, and believe it or not, that statement meant something to me, even today. See, my wife discovered on her own that making that choice did not fix what she needed. It takes about 2 years to really get to know a person. She knew Mr. wonderful turned into the same ole thing she had with me. Oh, but to see his anger, his gambling addiction, his greed and selfishness over time. But why not just leave this man? My confusion, I was filling many needs he could not, and yep, he was filling needs I was not. Heck, while in the affair, she came home to vent to me! Amazing huh?

ReunitePangea.. Have you studied and read about grief? You should. It is my bet you are somewhere in the denial part of grief just by making some of your post. You are starting to ask yourself questions. Seeking answers. Here is something you are already starting to realize, but I will say it again. You must also understand feelings of people. A ONS can and does feel the same despite the time difference.

I will give you some food for thought in your stage of grief. How about looking deep inside you? I still stand behind my belief that attractions are that powerful and at the right time, the right situation, the right opportunity, anyone can fall into an A, be it ONS, a few months or years. And the consequence of discovery seem to be very much the same. Pain and misery. Could you ever hurt your W?

In our sex therapy class, our therapist made this commit I once posted here. Some of the men here on this LTA board were a little offended. “Not me” they said. Can I test you? It might give you some food for thought to accept and forgive.

Here goes.. If a physically very attractive woman, over the top gorgeous, very willing, very strong to want your body, was in our lives and at a moment in time, and it was a 100% guarantee, your wife would never find out, never know, NO chance she would ever know or find out, he says that it would take a man with superior moral character to not take advantage of that situation. A rarity he says. Place yourself in this situation before your dday.

I will answer first. I can place myself in that situation before know all the pain I know today.. I would have had sex with that woman. Saying that.. I never cheated on my wife while M. I know why. I avoided close relationships with woman. It never meant I did not have attractions.

It was good to see some of the woman here on the LTA board come to my defense. “No try’n you cannot possible know that.” Oh yes I know.
As M3 said.. a choice not to say yes.. it become far easier after you go through what we have.. NO WAY I'm ever that man, the man I once was. NO WAY. Understanding the trap! Keen awareness.

OK men and even woman, Be honest with yourself.. what about you? I am curious to know.

RP.. I will tell you what is coming. Anger. It might be your biggest obstacle to R. My anger started at 5 months and peeked 9 months. It was ugly and the worst part of my life. Hard to know timing, but it will come. You might think it won’t, you might think you can handle it, perhaps. But to be aware. awareness is a way to lessen the impact.

[This message edited by trynhard at 2:23 PM, February 1st (Friday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
RSEB
♀ Member
Member # 34728
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, February 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello everyone,

Reunite you said

I do have to say that when I read about a ONS on here and how difficult they are dealing with it I struggle to see how horrible it is.
I envy these people and would trade my situation for a second for theirs.

My BH has said this to me as well and for the longest time I never knew how to reply. Eventually as I saw how my BH was dealing, or not dealing with the destruction I did realize something.

Once the trust is broken, it is broken, not just "a little broken" as with a ONS or an LTA. My BH has said that he wished I would have just F'd some guy in a bar. To which I eventually replied that it would be no easier for him because then every time I left the house to go to the grocery store or the mall or to bring the kids to school, he would think I was going to pick up some random guy.

Broken trust no matter the length of the A still brings the "trust container" down to ZERO. It is only through the loving actions of the WS that MAYBE, just MAYBE it can be filled again.

Now I will not argue that an LTA is a different animal, and I know my BH probably still feels the same as you, but I am sure the ONS BS's are thinking that maybe there are better aspects of an LTA. Maybe they are thinking that at least some emotion was involved in the LTA, thinking what kind of monster must they be married to that can just throw away an X amount of years M, for just one night of sex.

My point is, that it hurts, the destruction is endless, and in ALL cases, there is one common thread, a heart and soul were destroyed, and hopefully the pieces can be put back together.


ME - FWS


Posts: 259 | Registered: Feb 2012
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, February 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A lot of posting on LTA!
I have tried to catch up on all the posts.

I actually see things differently....
In gotta2know's case I do not believe that you can simply love your WH out of his affair.

Its not going to happen.

The idea of being a quality spouse etc. is something that you can work on when you are well into recovery and healing.

But not when your spouse is actively involved in an affair!

That's the time to be direct and to the point as you spell out what your demands are for a quality marriage.

Your IC may be right about not making any major decisions at this point.You don't have to decide about divorcing him now.

But... the one decision that you should make is to stop the pain, hurt, and abuse.

Because IMHO continuing to live with a man that is actively cheating on you is all of those things.

Finding out about a LTA is like getting stabbed in the heart.
But, living with it, knowing that it continues is like getting stabbed over and over again.

You do not need to divulge how you know but you need to sit your WH down and tell him in no uncertain terms that you know that is continuing to see the OW.

If he denies or asks you how you know just repeat that you know it for a fact.

And then tell him that you do not want to be in a marriage where the husband is actively unfaithful.

That if he is serious about what he says about his love for you etc. then the affair must end.

And he has to go NC with the OW via a phone call right in front of you.

After that he has to hand over all of his passwords, cell phone records, credit card bills, extra secret cell phones etc.

He is to be an open book so that you can regain your trust in him.

And finally-he needs to agree to go to MC with you.

Telling him these things is not telling him that you want a divorce...it's telling him that you want to stay married to a faithful, honest husband.

But, you do not want a marriage with lying, cheating, hurtful spouse.

Tell him this a chance for the two of you to have a 'new' marriage.

I am sorry that you are dealing with this awful situation.

I know that you are dealing with so much right now-your father's illness and young children etc.

But, I do not think that allowing the infidelity to continue unchecked is healthy for you either.

You can lay your cards on the table-let him know that you are on to him.

And now...he can decide how he wants to live his life.


If he chooses to continue in the affair then you detach, do the 180, do your best to take care of yourself, your children, your father.

Tryin- I have a different point of view on the 'Mike' situation.

I would take the direct approach with that as well.

In my 'new' marriage I protect myself from any additional hurt and pain.

And, I would find that type of situation painful and triggering.

And, I would tell him that I am not comfortable with him crossing that boundary of having private intimate conversations with female co-workers and for my well being it needs to end.

No pressure-just a statement of fact. This behavior of yours hurts me.And I do not want to be hurt anymore.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
gotta2know
♀ Member
Member # 37115
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, February 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

njgal480 -

I can't love him out of his affair, you are right. But for me, I can feel better about not making any decisions if I just treat him right. By treating him right I am letting myself see that I am a good person and that I deserve to be treated as a wife. We both understand the affair has to stop and I believe that it will die and he will return to the person I used to know. If he doesn't, I believe by doing what is right by him I will have gained the strength to walk away if he continues the affair.

I am not up to any confrontations right now. I am going through alot with my dad also and I can't detach and do the 180, I am much to needy for that. However, I do think I am capable of being a good, giving person in the short term. I will take him at face value for now. Confrontation with him right now will lead to more battles and I just can't do it. I am just going to do what's right for a while and see what happens, he will have to make his own choices. I will be seeing a counselor regularly so I'm hoping for building myself up to a point of being able to detach and 180, but not now.

Setting down "rules" right now with him is going to lead to confrontation maybe separation and divorce, I can't do it. I know that I can't "make" him do the things you say such as counseling, make the call in front of me, sharing passwords (he has done some of this). What do you think will happen if I start making these demands? I'm not ready to deal with those consequences!

Eventually, I will expect a faithful, honest, giving husband. Right now I am just trying to get through things the best I can. I think for now, this is my best option. I want to give doing what's right and counseling a chance before I start making demands. We have had many battles over this and he knows where this is headed if he doesn't stop it. He knows a counselor will guide me to expect better. It's in his court now. I am working on a better me. He can come or he can choose a two-bit whore.


BW - 46 (me)
WH - 46(repeated cheater, cake eater)
Married 17 years
DD 4/8/2011 and many more
3 children- 22(mine), 16 and 13
Living in misery trying to understand why I choose to do so.
I like the saying "feel the fear and do it anyway!&

Posts: 165 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: SD
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, February 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

gotta-
I can relate to being too fragile to confront at this time.

But,then....maybe the best thing to do would be to stop tracking his behavior, stop listening to the VAR...and just focus on yourself and getting yourself to a healthier place.

Staying because you need to for financial, family, personal, health reasons is a valid, pragmatic decision.

There are others on the LTA forum that are doing just that.

I did that early on in my marriage when my children were babies and my FWH's alcoholism was negatively impacting me, my health, our marriage.

I seriously considered divorce and went to see an attorney.

But, after finding out what my options were I decided to stay for the children.

But, I also decided that I would prepare myself to leave.
I focused on myself and totally detached from his drinking.

I didn't monitor him and I didn't discuss it and I didn't count on him anymore.

I focused on myself and my children. I vowed to be the best mom, best person I could be.
I went to the gym,I got back into shape, I went back to college for an additional degree.
I took the kids to the college daycare with me-it became a family event.

I began to volunteer in the community and be involved in many activities.

I eventually began a new career.
My children thrived.

My FWH continued drinking and eventually spiraled down into
his worst behavior ever-culminating in a 5 yr LTA with an alcoholic married co-worker.

I was a quality woman that was taken for granted and not appreciated until my FWH lost me.

You see- WS are selfish.

They are either narcissists by nature or have become more and more selfish as time has gone by.

And the only thing that gets a selfish person's attention is if they are going to be negatively impacted.

Very few WS end the affair on their own.They usually have to be shocked into reality.

Mostly it ends when they realize that there are negative consequences if they continue their behavior.

The MOW's BH tried to be gentle with her after he discovered her first LTA in the 1980's!
She had no consequences and what happened? She continued cheating on her husband for the next 30 yrs-culminating with the LTA with my FWH.

The ironic thing for me is that I now realize that I probably could have saved myself a lot of grief if I had used a tough love approach with my FWH years ago in regard to his alcoholism.

At the time I was not sure that he would choose our marriage over his drinking so I did not confront him with that.
And chose the route I chose.



Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
2yrs+recovering
♀ Member
Member # 31582
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, February 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi NJGal and all here.

It has been a very long time since I have posted. But I must agree, it is our choice. When to stop the insanity of infidelity. I know it was there long before I drew my line.

I am coming up on my 4 year antiversary. I have made my decision to stay in this marriage because that is what I want. and I have a new and very remorseful spouse that continues to prove he is worthy.

I know that tomorrow, I could change my mind. and I am alright with that. I know that I am in charge of my life. I am taking care of myself first. I am not afraid of saying I anymore.

I like me.

I hope that for all of us.

[This message edited by 2yrs+recovering at 7:51 PM, February 1st (Friday)]


BS (me)59 FWH 71
Married 35 years
4 children and 3 grandchildren
5 yrs into R.
Now that he has changed and become the man he should have been all along, why should I start over?

Posts: 560 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: New Jersey
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, February 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

gotta2know ~
But for me, I can feel better about not making any decisions if I just treat him right. By treating him right I am letting myself see that I am a good person and that I deserve to be treated as a wife.
Are you saying you didn't treat him right Pre-A and that you didn't deserve to be treated as a wife? And if you treated him right before pre-A, he still had an affair, right? And, if you are still treating him right now, why would that cause him to cease having the affair? I am so sorry, I don't follow this logic.

I am not saying you need to make a decision right now, but you should be doing the 180 and detaching from your WS. To protect you. You are just continuing to make yourself vulnerable and you are, I fear, going to wind up even more wounded than you already are.

I agree wholeheartedly with everything njgal480 has to say. She is very wise and has helped me immensely.

I envy these people and would trade my situation for a second for theirs. One bad decision, one lie, a small moment in time - while I get it still could be shocking, I could deal with that and get past in a very short amount of time compared to what these LTA's have dealt us.
I agree with you ReunitePangea. I am not discounting the pain that the BS's of ONS affairs suffer, there is no way we can compare pain. However, I do feel there is a lot they don't have to deal with that people who's WS's had LTA's have to deal with. The LTA is so pervasive in so many areas of our lives and, obviously, such a long amount of time.
MC_Jack makes a good point. I happen to think a LTA does have another advantage.
I respectfully say I see absolutely no advantage to my FWH having an LTA as opposed to a ONS. Having "love" involved makes it easier for you MC_Jack? That would be the death knell for my marriage, I am sure. We are different, our pov's are different, doesn't make one right or wrong, just different.
Here goes.. If a physically very attractive woman, over the top gorgeous, very willing, very strong to want your body, was in our lives and at a moment in time, and it was a 100% guarantee, your wife would never find out, never know, NO chance she would ever know or find out, he says that it would take a man with superior moral character to not take advantage of that situation. A rarity he says. Place yourself in this situation before your dday.
This scenario just doesn't work for me, tryn'. My FWH thought he had a 100% guarantee that I wouldn't find out. It is a major blind spot for a lot of WS's. And, OW wasn't even over the top gorgeous (lol, not gorgeous at all!). The scenario just doesn't work in reality. Who is guaranteeing me that it won't be found out if I had an affair? Now, if we want to suspend belief and say an alien (City Slickers) came down to earth and he looked like George Clooney and he wanted to have sex with me and then he was going to get into his flying saucer and fly away and never be seen or heard from again, I would still say "No, thank you." Because, as Mitch says (Billy Crystal), "I would know!"

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 11:02 PM, February 1st (Friday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8982 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 3:57 AM, February 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trying - re your scenario - its very tempting but its just not me. I was raised with a strong morale code & I would never place myself in that scenario. I used to travel 2 weeks out of every month in my old job; so the opportunity was always there for a ons in another state - the thought never crossed my mind. I would ring home evert nite to talk to the kids & ww then find a nice restuarant enjoy a good meal then head back to the hotel to work.

In Deeps world - unfortunately the car was saved from the flood so no joy there.
I have a federal court date for the end of March to hear my application to force the sale of the house. WW hasnt responded tomy lawyer nor to mediation request. In another week should receive mediation certifcate then start the application for aces & division of assets thru the family court.

Today Sat - back on the bike for the 1st time in a month - 2 hour ride (50 kms) then 1 hour in the pool (2km) & this afternoon an hours walk - huge training day & backing up for the same tomorrow.
Preparing an other objection to Child support before I run out of money

The journey is long & slow.

Take care Tribe


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
0115
♀ Member
Member # 31740
Default  Posted: 6:05 AM, February 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow a lot going on here.

Reunite

LTA vs ONS. My fWH had both. I don't even think about the ONS. He was so messed up...I was just glad he used a condom. The LTA is a whole different story. It was MUCH harder for me.

I think you'll want to know more things as time goes on...maybe not. I needed details and they helped me understand the why. Some of them are burned into my brain but for me, I was concocting all kinds if stories that were worse than the truth. It is absolutely your choice and you don't have to know.

Gotta
In 1999 I found out my husband had kissed one of our employees. I confronted him and he was remorseful. We went to MC and I took the high road and forgave him and was a great wife. Our marriage went on and I had no hint, no idea that anything was wrong. The affair went underground for the next 12 years.
I guess my point is that he had no reason to stop. This time I was walking out the door. He was scared enough to change himself. He understood there would be consequences. He has spent 1 1/2 years in therapy and figured out so much. He is much healthier today. It's been said before but most LTA's have deep seeded issues that drive them. More than just being selfish.

I know you are so vulnerable at this time, but be careful not to rugsweep.

Good luck.

[This message edited by 0115 at 6:11 AM, February 2nd (Saturday)]


BS (me) 49
FWH 49 newbeg2011
Married 29 years
Very Long LTA
DD 01/15/11-6/30/11
The hard work is done...let the healing begin.

Posts: 997 | Registered: Apr 2011
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate Lock This Topic is Locked
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.