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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 30
gotta2know
♀ Member
Member # 37115
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, February 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so depressed over all of this. You all have such good advice, not sure how to go about things.

I can't enforce or set boundaries because they have no teeth. He doesn't know I know for sure that he's having contact with her. I don't want to reveal that yet.

He just called me to chew me out some more. I had sent him an email asking how he was feeling (he was sick last night). He's very unhappy with me bringing up parts of what I know. He pretty much hung up on me because I had to put him on hold while I'm at work.

What a miserable life. I know consesus here is to confront and set boundaries. This is going to end up in divorce.

I don't know what to do.


BW - 46 (me)
WH - 46(repeated cheater, cake eater)
Married 17 years
DD 4/8/2011 and many more
3 children- 22(mine), 16 and 13
Living in misery trying to understand why I choose to do so.
I like the saying "feel the fear and do it anyway!&

Posts: 165 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: SD
ReunitePangea
♂ Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, February 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

gotta2know

I don't know what to do.

Just my thoughts but you dont have to do anything until you are ready. I am still new to this club, 3+ months, but I got better when I realized that I could slow it down. I didnt need to rush to make any decisions until I was ready to make them. For example (and I likely will get blasted here some) but I have not talked to the OM1s BW yet, I haven't told her what her WH did. Will I? maybe, but right now I am not ready to do that. (before I take too much heat here realize that the PA ended with OM1 ended 2 1/2 years ago and I am certain that it is no longer going on right now) Once I realized that I didn't need to make life altering decisions all in one day it was easier to deal with and I was able to think more clearly.

Trynhard - I have not listened to Dr Jenn at all. I will have to see if I can find that episode. I didnt fully understand at the time but what I was doing really wasn't the typical "swinger" lifestyle. I have never been to any clubs or anything like that. We were just "exclusive" swingers with one couple - which allowed my WW to continue with OM2. It sort of isnt the point of swinging - which is to be able to maintain that rush of new encounters. I've been a bit hesitant to bring that up here as I do expect many to understand but it probably helps others understand some of my viewpoints. I would have never participated if i had known at the time the depths of my WWs other activities. However strangly, I think my experiences have helped some in getting through this. While I never lied or deceived, I think I have a small insight into the thought process my WW had went through. Also I dont have any mind movies of my WW with OM. I really don't care about that much at all, to me it is all about the lies and the deception.


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 406 | Registered: Nov 2012
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, February 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you have to tell him about the boundaries you are enforcing? At this point, no I don't feel you need to tell him. Make the boundaries for yourself. If he continues contact with OW, I am going to divorce WH. Or, whatever boundaries you need or want to set. Yes, at some point you will have to confront and state the boundaries.

I understand you not wanting to confront just yet. That doesn't mean you can't take the actions that you will take once you confront your WH and start doing them right now. The financial protection part, start working on that. Copying all financials, making 2 copies, storing one copy with a trusted friend or family member. Setting up an account as tryn suggested. These will be good proactive actions for you to start feeling like you are moving forward and, also, it is a distraction for your mind to focus on something different. (don't think of the reasons you are having to do it)

I don't know what to do.
Most of us have urged you to do the 180. Have you really read the 180? Do you understand it? What is it that specifically (what #'s) are you having issues with? We might be able to clear up some misconceptions you might have.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8990 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, February 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, for one thing to do I would consider deciding that you don't allow people to chew you out. Especially over the phone.

I hung up on my father for that about a month ago -- got 3 weeks of the silent treatment


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
gotta2know
♀ Member
Member # 37115
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, February 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I obviously feel like any married person does. I want him to be faithful to me in every way and I know that isn't happening. I haven't set boundaries because I can't enforce them with any teeth yet, they are just words and he knows it.

180 issues and why I can't follow through with it

#1 - I am always finding new things and I can't keep them to myself, so I am constantly begging, pleading for answers and hope
#2 - He travels and when he is out of town he calls all the time. If I don't answer he calls my kids.
#3 - I can live with
#4 - I can live iwth
#5 - I am insecure and am always finding out more so I'm always asking about our future, I just can't shut up.
#6 - I can live with
#7 - I'm always asking, I have no self-esteem and I FEAR everything
#8 - I always have and always will exchange gifts, it's the right thing to do and would cause problems if I didn't.
#9 - We have scheduled lots of dates and will continue to go if he plans them but I won't plan them anymore
#10 - I say "I love you all th time" and so does he
#11 - I am paralyzed. The only thing I have done is start scheduling some classes for me like web page design and photography.
#12 - I am depressed, I can't even pretend


BW - 46 (me)
WH - 46(repeated cheater, cake eater)
Married 17 years
DD 4/8/2011 and many more
3 children- 22(mine), 16 and 13
Living in misery trying to understand why I choose to do so.
I like the saying "feel the fear and do it anyway!&

Posts: 165 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: SD
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, February 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would consider deciding that you don't allow people to chew you out. Especially over the phone.
Exactly, m334455. That is why the 180 will come in so handy for you, gotta. You don't have to listen to that crap. Especially from a lying, cheating, selfish WS!


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8990 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
gotta2know
♀ Member
Member # 37115
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, February 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I appreciate all your thoughts and encouragement.

The truth is I'm not doing anything. I am just stuck in misery afraid to do anything different. I guess until I've had enough, this is my life and I should just lump it.

I'm sorry to ask for suggestions and not be able to do any of it. Your thoughts all weigh on me for sure but until I can feel like I deserve better, I am stuck, maybe paralyzed, in the short term. Counseling should help!


BW - 46 (me)
WH - 46(repeated cheater, cake eater)
Married 17 years
DD 4/8/2011 and many more
3 children- 22(mine), 16 and 13
Living in misery trying to understand why I choose to do so.
I like the saying "feel the fear and do it anyway!&

Posts: 165 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: SD
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, February 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ReunitePangea

However strangely, I think my experiences have helped some in getting through this.

I get that.

For example (and I likely will get blasted here some) but I have not talked to the OM1s BW yet, I haven't told her what her WH did. Will I? maybe, but right now I am not ready to do that. (before I take too much heat here realize that the PA ended with OM1 ended 2 1/2 years ago and I am certain that it is no longer going on right now) Once I realized that I didn't need to make life altering decisions all in one day it was easier to deal with and I was able to think more clearly.

I think during any A, while it is going on and discovered, it must be exposed. It will add a whole bunch of pressure to your advantage if you want to save your marriage.

As for exposing old A’s several years back, I would not expose. I know in most cases it does take getting caught to change, experiences change people. It’s that “once a cheater always cheater” feeling that never goes away unless you can first hand see the pain involve. But unless you know that person very well today, if that adulterer has changed an he made the choice to be a quality man and never be “that man” again, I think compassion is not to have his spouse go through the pain. Let her enjoy life and the new M they may have. It becomes, how to we know if that man changed or not? You don’t and assume he did change… You are following a very basic part of love.. Love is nice. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Taking this way.. it never fails. Love never fails. I think you will find that most experts will say not to expose an A that happened years ago.

Taking heat? Oh heck, I take heat on this SI board all the time.. from my sex discussion, porn.. lol.. I try to take it all in.. compare it to all the books I have read, the programs I have attended, the IC and therapy.. I value all the opinions… No one way is the right way of doing things.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, February 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gotta.. You can do the 180… or at least modified.. 0110 did it! I know you can do some of these things… Look at the one's I made bold.. Of course you can make the choice to do them...

1. Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

2. No frequent phone calls. (Let him call you)

3. Don't point out "good points" in marriage. (I think you can say things to remind him of the past good things)

4. Don't follow her/him around the house.

5. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future. (you can say things about the future if he brings it up.. "Honey, Yes, I want to do that if you are a good H.. then yes!"

6. Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.

7. Don't ask for reassurances.

8. Don't buy or give gifts. (You can buy him a gift)

9. Don't schedule dates together. (You can do this right now if you want)

10. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.

11. Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

13. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!

15. If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested. (no real need to know where he is.. just typical stuff for now)

16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them! (Just that you want our M, I want a loving, caring, giving, intimate M and I want you to behave that way too)

17. Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.

18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!

21. Don't be overly enthusiastic.

22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

23. Be patient
and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

HEck, as I read them.. They don't even apply pressure you will eventually get to! If needed!!

[This message edited by trynhard at 2:02 PM, February 4th (Monday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, February 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gotta.. Follow M3! she is a quality woman!!!

Well, for one thing to do I would consider deciding that you don't allow people to chew you out. Especially over the phone.
I hung up on my father for that about a month ago -- got 3 weeks of the silent treatment

You are going to change and be this kind of woman! Soon.. you are going to get stronger and stonger.. becasue you want too... right?

"H, I am not going to be treated this way, when you can figure out how to be a good man, then let me know. Only then will you be blessed with my hot fine ass body!! You got that!"


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, February 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gotta
Both Tryin & Ats are right. The power is with you. For too long I gave my WW the power & I lived a miserable life. The 180 is for you & you alone.
A few pages ago I said " Actions overcome fear" ...I believe in this. Need to protect yourself & your assets. Seek legal & financial advice now & be prepared for the future.

Last nite I attended a Parent/Student nite at my oldest sons new school. WW arrived late as usual & I kept my distance. I saw my son from a distance for the 1st time in 14 weeks. The feedback was postive in that he is fitting well & adjusting to the new school life. He looked confident..thankfully he didnt see...I didnt want a scene in public with WW (she left shortly afterwards in a hurry). WW still lies...his pastoral care teacher told me WW says I can see my children any time & take them out on the w/e's. Strange how both our lawyers are unaware of this & she still has acknowledged the mediation request.
My little bit of karma was telling the teacher the truth..

[This message edited by deeppurple at 2:50 PM, February 4th (Monday)]


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
0115
♀ Member
Member # 31740
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, February 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

gotta2know

My quick advice is to go silent with him. I was not ugly about it, I just didn't let him inside my mind...I never let him see me cry. More than anything he wanted me to fight, cry, ask him questions, anything...he wanted to know what I was thinking and what I was going to do...I didn't let him know. In a very short time he started begging to go to counseling, I would get comfortable, he would TT, back to 180...for us it was at least a 6 month process before I knew the entire truth.

During this time I thought he would leave, I would leave, he would poison my Diet Coke (OK, I was a mess), he would commit suicide (more of a possibility than the Diet Coke), the kids would find out, our company would go under, you name it, I imagined it. None of it happened. No one knows what will happen in your situation but you do have support and many people who have been through it. YOU WILL SURVIVE THIS!!!

ETA: I think your WH is living in a fantasy world...a plan to leave in 1 1/2 years sounds like a dangling carrot, just to keep it going but with no conviction...JMHO.

[This message edited by 0115 at 2:51 PM, February 4th (Monday)]


BS (me) 49
FWH 49 newbeg2011
Married 29 years
Very Long LTA
DD 01/15/11-6/30/11
The hard work is done...let the healing begin.

Posts: 997 | Registered: Apr 2011
0115
♀ Member
Member # 31740
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, February 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

deep

You are a man of steel...how in the world did you not just run to your son? I know why, because you love him THAT much...wow...props to you, sir!!

Yay for a little bit of karma!!


BS (me) 49
FWH 49 newbeg2011
Married 29 years
Very Long LTA
DD 01/15/11-6/30/11
The hard work is done...let the healing begin.

Posts: 997 | Registered: Apr 2011
RSEB
♀ Member
Member # 34728
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, February 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gottaknow,
Hi, I have been reading all of your posts, and I can hear your pain and fear. To me as a FWW, your posts create such anger for your WH. He is being SO mean to you even after he knows you are aware that he had an A. He just thinks that he can continue to strong arm you into doing what he wants so he can get to whatever point he THINKS he wants to get to with MOM.
You have been saying that your plan at the moment is to be the best wife you can be to love him out of the A. The only problem is, is that is exactly what he wants you to do. He wants you to “get off his back”, to “leave the past in the past”, AND he also belittles you. Please stop being nice to him out of desperation. He doesn’t deserve any of it, he doesn’t deserve you.
I know each A is different, but to maybe put your thoughts at ease. When I was in my LTA I was not in reality. Without going into exact details, trust me, a BS who “says” they are going to leave their M, is MUCH different then actually doing it. I was convinced I was leaving my BH before DDay, and now I am here fighting everyday for three years since D Day for my M.
I don’t believe you should be nice to your BH. You know for a fact that BH is still deep into his A. I don’t care if he is telling you he loves you. You have VAR recordings that tell you different, not to mention that email from 1-24-13. HE WILL CONTINUE LYING TO YOU. You need to shock him into reality right now if you have any chance of getting him to wake up. He is a blundering idiot right now. After you make him aware that you are done with him and the way he is behaving, then you can slowly show him a bit more kindness. Right now it is your duty to your heart to put up those walls and protect yourself from his meaningless words and endless lies. How can you stand there let him look you in the eye and lie to you over and over, AND YOU HAVE PROOF OF IT!!!
I will never forget the night my BH came into our room at 2am, woke me from my sleep and he was hysterical pacing back and forth with a note pad in his hands. He had VAR’d my phone convo with my best friend. He heard me tell her that I felt I “had” to tell my BH that the real length of my A was 6 yrs as opposed to the length of 3 months that the MOM told him it was. So my BH stood there ranting and raving, about how he doesn’t even know who I am. As I type this I cannot contain my tears. I WILL NEVER do one single action to make my BH feel that lost and confused again. My actions will only make him feel loved and safe, and maybe one day it will actually work for him…I hope. So I came clean right then and there, that night in our bedroom at 2am. I told him EVERYTHING, everything I could remember. I did not know what he knew or how he knew it, but I was so terrified of him walking away that I knew my days of lying were over, and I felt such relief, as scary as it was. The sad part is, that in that 5 month span since my D Day until that night, I had already decided that I loved my BH, I had finally seen glimpses of him and his loving ways, things I hadn’t seen in a long long time. That is why my guilt and remorse was getting the best of me and I needed him to know the entire truth.
I need you to stand up for yourself. You are a beautiful woman who can and will see that, at some point, even if you don’t now. But for now you have to put on the biggest act, and put an end to this crap he is feeding you. If you don’t change, he won’t change. . He has no reason to, this is working for him in a sick and twisted way. You teach people how to treat youYou make him aware that you have the power, that you will tell everyone and anyone of your family and friends what he has done, that he will be the one to be disgraced and embarrassed for his actions. You don’t dare give him the satisfaction of getting his finances in order. You go to a lawyer and see where you stand, and that you don’t have to tell him. You can do this. Listen to what everyone here is telling you. It takes one little step forward, you can do it. I know the depression sucks you in and it feels like you can’t move. If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for your wonderful children. They deserve to see their beautiful, caring full of life Mom again.


ME - FWS


Posts: 259 | Registered: Feb 2012
gotta2know
♀ Member
Member # 37115
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, February 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RSEB - what a heart wrenching story, I cried through it for you. I wish my husband showed an ounce of the remorse you are showing. If you keep up the good work, you will get good results.

Deep down I know I need to have the battle or else it will never end. I am jumping all over the board with what I want to do. This evening I was so upset I couldn't focus on anything, I just floated along with my son, in my own "fog". I realize I am very depressed and need to get back on some sort of medication to work along with the counseling.

I am the type of person who has to finish things the right way so that I can follow through. I know I appear to be pretty weak about my situation. I am tormenting myself in so many ways from I should go to I should stay, I should stay and act this way or stay and act that way. I honestly don't know if I'm coming or going.

I know my husband's actions are abusive and that it must stop and it will after I've exhausted all of my methods, whether they make the most sense or not. It will to me.

We have the trip coming up in April to the Dominican Republic. My thoughts are that I would like to try a little bit of being an awesome wife, maybe a little of passive behaviors where I "check out" with him and not get worked up about what he's doing. I want to exercise. I want to get involved in a couple of classes. I want to be an active participant with my children more than anything. I look at them and I feel like they are strangers, I am not near the mother to them that I should be and they of all people don't deserve this either.

If, after this trip to the Dominican and I have given all I can, and it will be all I can give, I believe I will honestly be done. The next 60 days are going to be absolutely awful to get through- a big part of me wants to throw him on the carpet and have a knock down drag out, but I just can't yet. I am expecting a "second honeymoon" while we are in the Dominican. I will be expecting lots of sex, intimacy, and to be showered upon. If I'm not, it will be enough of a disappointment that I will be done. I will be expecting him to wear his ring, I expect him to talk about recommiting to me, I expect a lot. I know I am probably expecting too much and this is going to blow up in my face but if it does, it does.

He knows I want this trip to mean alot and he is also a little afraid he can't live up to my expectations. I think if I see a glimmer of remorse and desire to move forward with me, I will be extremely happy. If not, it's time to move on.

My time right now is so valuable. I have a sophomore and 7th grader at home. My dad is only 65 and will be lucky to survive 2013, he was diagnosed in October with an agressive brain cancer that the average survival is only 12-15 months. It will add to his worry if I divorce before he goes. I can't spend more time drawing my breath on my husband's,

I've already wasted 2 years, and yes, it is wasted, what's another 2 months? He is either going to make things right with me or he isn't. The battle is coming, in time and after I've done what's right.

Come April I am either a happily married woman with a remorseful husband or I am on my way to divorce. Heck, this has been nothing short of pure hell for 2 years, I can heal from a divorce quicker than that, right?


BW - 46 (me)
WH - 46(repeated cheater, cake eater)
Married 17 years
DD 4/8/2011 and many more
3 children- 22(mine), 16 and 13
Living in misery trying to understand why I choose to do so.
I like the saying "feel the fear and do it anyway!&

Posts: 165 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: SD
brooke4
♀ Member
Member # 13581
Default  Posted: 3:40 AM, February 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I know my husband's actions are abusive and that it must stop and it will after I've exhausted all of my methods, whether they make the most sense or not. It will to me.

We have the trip coming up in April to the Dominican Republic. My thoughts are that I would like to try a little bit of being an awesome wife, maybe a little of passive behaviors where I "check out" with him and not get worked up about what he's doing. I want to exercise. I want to get involved in a couple of classes. I want to be an active participant with my children more than anything. I look at them and I feel like they are strangers, I am not near the mother to them that I should be and they of all people don't deserve this either.

If, after this trip to the Dominican and I have given all I can, and it will be all I can give, I believe I will honestly be done. The next 60 days are going to be absolutely awful to get through- a big part of me wants to throw him on the carpet and have a knock down drag out, but I just can't yet. I am expecting a "second honeymoon" while we are in the Dominican. I will be expecting lots of sex, intimacy, and to be showered upon. If I'm not, it will be enough of a disappointment that I will be done. I will be expecting him to wear his ring, I expect him to talk about recommiting to me, I expect a lot. I know I am probably expecting too much and this is going to blow up in my face but if it does, it does.

You are bargaining. It's a stage that most of us go through early. But I can guarantee with something pretty close to 100 percent certainty that it will only buy you more heartache. You do not need to feel the strength to detach. You only need to *appear* to feel strength to detach. And that doesn't mean start divorce proceedings or separation proceedings or contact lawyers. It only mean set and enforce boundaries, whether articulated to him or not. This is about you.

You're right. His behaviour is abusive, but as far as I can see your plan only allows this to continue, and as long as it continues, the tiny seeds of strength that are inside you that you don't know are there yet, will be more and more trampled. It stops when you say it does. Why do you want a second honeymoon with a man who is--at this moment, maybe not always, but at this moment--cheating, manipulative and abusive? In this scenario, if you "win" your marriage back, it's clearly on the terms that you will work your ass off to accept this kind of treatment.

I've already wasted 2 years, and yes, it is wasted, what's another 2 months? He is either going to make things right with me or he isn't. The battle is coming, in time and after I've done what's right.

Come April I am either a happily married woman with a remorseful husband or I am on my way to divorce. Heck, this has been nothing short of pure hell for 2 years, I can heal from a divorce quicker than that, right?

I actually think that living like this for two years is the reason you are feeling so confused. If you allow this to continue, you will take the path of least resistance but feel slightly diminished every day. Whereas if you draw firm boundaries, it will be incredibly hard in the beginning, but the payoff will be that every minute of every day you will start to nourish those tiny seeds of strength. I promise you.

I honestly am not trying to pile on you or make you more confused. I'm just worried because I see you wanting to take a path that I can't see being in anyone's best interests except for a couple of cake eating, conflict avoiding, affair partners. And I don't see how the plan to wait until after vacation will change anything. I think you will have a very emotional time, and, yes, you can have lots of sex (with someone who's also having it with someone else, limited though those chances might be--I got a very unpleasant UTI that way, by the way, even though my H's opportunities were also very geographically limited--I feel fortunate it wasn't something much worse), but how does that change anything for him?

((((big hugs))) and I'm really sorry about your father. I completely understand how hard that makes things. But detaching and drawing boundaries does not have to distract from him. In fact, it might free you up emotionally to concentrate on him.

Do you think it might seem more manageable if you try taking small steps? What if you told yourself you will enforce two boundaries today? Pick two - maybe not asking about any new information you might learn and not accepting being spoken to abusively. Don't state them to him or rant or cry. Just be pleasant but enforce them for 24 hours.


Me: BS, 40, Him: WS 41
Married: 15 years
3 children
D-Day: 10/2005

Posts: 1483 | Registered: Feb 2007
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 5:24 AM, February 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey gotta2know...brooke4 is headed exactly where I was going with our plan…
Do you think it might seem more manageable if you try taking small steps? What if you told yourself you will enforce two boundaries today? Pick two - maybe not asking about any new information you might learn and not accepting being spoken to abusively. Don't state them to him or rant or cry. Just be pleasant but enforce them for 24 hours.

That is really what you need to be doing… maybe even lighter… 1 every couple days. You can slow things down.. WAY down..

Remember in plan I suggested, I told you just make sure you are loving him to the best of your ability despite all our pain. Remember… you are going to be positive, not negative..

The next 60 days are going to be absolutely awful

Get this out of your head.. the next 60 days are going to be the most rewarding 60 days in your life! You might even get that honeymoon you seek.. Stay, positive! You know he is “cake-eating” So what! What you need to be thinking is you are going to enjoy this challenge, this battle.

You should be in phase 1 of the plan.. How is that going?
How is that book on forgiving coming along? If you have not bought it, go do it.. It is a very strong message you are going to send to your H without even saying a word about it.

So.. It has been a week of you doing only very loving things. Right? Does he see it? Have you been strong enough not to mention his A? Good! Keep this up and next week too. Have you reminded him of some fun thing you did years ago, when married? When the kids were born.. You are placing him in a good frame of mind, a good happy place you both had once. Heck, it may even bring you a smile!


You need to prepare for the very first comment to him that is going to make him really think. You are going to practice what you say, be prepared, and your are going to say it in a calm, very loving, very matter of fact way. Reminder.. NO DEEP DISCUSSIONS! No mention about the A itself!


Let review what that may be.. Let’s plan the words very carefully. I like the fact he said he wanted to be your Rock.. OK.. then prove it buddy!

I like this for the very first statement… It is a question on his own morality, values! We are not going to answer this for him.. he is going to answer this for YOU.

“Honey, I’m trusting what you said the two weeks ago. I WANT you to be my rock. YOU ARE GOING TO BE MY ROCK. I want a strong Marriage. Both YOU and I should be completely open with each other. Do you agree? ***Wait for the answer!*** If I were to have done something very bad in our marriage, as scared as I may be, do you believe I should have a MORAL obligation to be open, honest with each other, no matter how much pain we may inflict on each other? Do you have it within yourself to handle some very bad painful openness? ** wait for an answer*** If he goes defensive.. Say nothing, do nothing.. Let him talk! Then go about your day.

Your man is not stupid. He is living his life in sin and also in fear. He does not want to face the pain of end just like You don’t. When you tell him the above.. It makes him think about the horrible thing he is doing. It serves as a very light warning.. H, get your shit together or the shitstorm is going to invade your peace. It also leaves him with the question.. did my wife do something? Can I handle some ugly myself?

What you are doing is YOUR man will now be reacting to YOU for a change.

So start preparing for the question you will ask him.. A good M should be completely open to handle the worst of pain. I can handle it, my spouse should be able to handle it. TOGETHER!


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 5:53 AM, February 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you can do something, it is because you know what to do and how to do it.

Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
gotta2know
♀ Member
Member # 37115
Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, February 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I probably am bargaining but I am also giving it my all as a last ditch effort before I walk away. It may not be the right way for you but I already have been in this mess for 2 years what's another 60 days of giving it my best effort while seeking counseling and getting on some meds? The worst thing that could happen is he leaves me and that is already out there anyway, I'm hoping he will see that our marriage and famly is worth dumping her.

My seeds of strength may get trampled but I am going to follow through with getting my life back on track after our trip. It is the beginning or the end for me. I either am going to get my marriage back or I am going to end it as much as I don't want to I know it will be time.

I am definitely confused after living like this for 2 years, it's been an absolute hell, the worst thing I've ever been through.

I will try to take small steps not to accept crappy behavior from him. Yes, his affair probably continues but I will deal with that in 60 days.

Thanks so much for your thoughts. My husband still has lots of good moments with me and that's what I'm hoping to build on. I am going to put him in a position n 60 days to realize he is going to lose it if he doesn't get rid of her and completely change how we are doing things. It's only 60 days!


BW - 46 (me)
WH - 46(repeated cheater, cake eater)
Married 17 years
DD 4/8/2011 and many more
3 children- 22(mine), 16 and 13
Living in misery trying to understand why I choose to do so.
I like the saying "feel the fear and do it anyway!&

Posts: 165 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: SD
gotta2know
♀ Member
Member # 37115
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, February 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've ordered a book on forgiving on amazon, I just don't have it yet.

I fell off the wagon this weekend and mentioned his affair but I am back on our plan and am really working hard not to mention his affair. I am being positive.

I have mentioned things about when we were dating, some songs, our families, etc.

I will mention the "rock" somehow but leaving an open ended question like that doesn't work for him at all. He is the type that won't let that lay, do you have another idea?


BW - 46 (me)
WH - 46(repeated cheater, cake eater)
Married 17 years
DD 4/8/2011 and many more
3 children- 22(mine), 16 and 13
Living in misery trying to understand why I choose to do so.
I like the saying "feel the fear and do it anyway!&

Posts: 165 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: SD
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