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User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 30
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, February 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

gotta, you gotta do what you gotta do. It is your life and you are the one in control. You get to make the choices for your life.

A book on forgiveness? I feel that book is probably the last book you need right now. With your WH still being so disrespectful to you, you are concerned about forgiving him?

Yeah, what is 60 more days of pure misery? You say you are miserable and don't know what to do. You do know what you want to do, though.

I'm just worried because I see you wanting to take a path that I can't see being in anyone's best interests except for a couple of cake eating, conflict avoiding, affair partners.
I agree with brooke4, everything she posted is spot on.

Wishing you peace and serenity, gotta. (((gotta)))

deeppurple ~ I agree with 0115, you are a man of steel. It must have taken so much strength to not go to him.

My little bit of karma was telling the teacher the truth..
Glad you were able to do that. (((deeppurple)))

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 7:47 AM, February 5th (Tuesday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8984 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, February 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My thoughts are that I would like to try a little bit of being an awesome wife, maybe a little of passive behaviors where I "check out" with him and not get worked up about what he's doing.


gotta2know,

This sounds like role-playing to me, not being the authentic you. What I read is you are still trying to manipulate your WH through your actions. I do not believe this will work. If he was out of the A and focused on the M, then I can see the subtly ramped up pressure and frank comments making an impact, but not when all he wants from you and his M is for the boat to not be rocked.

Like a broken record, I recommend you establish boundaries and enforce them. BE the authentic you. Does the trip make up for his betrayal? Would you go on a trip with any other person who cheated and betrayed you?

Come April I am either a happily married woman with a remorseful husband or I am on my way to divorce.

There is nothing about going on the trip that will make you a happily married woman by April. Maybe if your WH was to sit down with you and apologize, start reading and attending IC to understand why he turned to the OW and continued to belittle and chastise you after you confronted. If he shared a NC letter to OW with you. Maybe if he was planning to attend a Retro session with you to learn to communicate better. Maybe if he was trying to learn your love language and speak it because he truly loves you.

Otherwise, I think the trip is just an excuse to kick the can down the road another couple of months. After the trip it will be your Father’s health, then the kids graduating from school, then….

There is always an excuse.

Yes, his affair probably continues but I will deal with that in 60 days.

Why?

My husband still has lots of good moments with me and that's what I'm hoping to build on.

I would not want to build on my spouse having more good moments with me while involved with an OP. I would want to build on being authentic and emotionally intimate with each other. It is my opinion and the experience of many here on SI that tolerating the lying and cheating results in the A continuing. This is what your WS wants. If you want a chance to save your M, then you need to rock the boat.

If you were posting that you needed more time with your IC to be prepared and strong enough to finally stand up to your WH I could understand. However, I think it is just conflict avoidance and unwillingness to accept reality to hope that another 60 days of being nice and a special trip will change your WH.

Best wishes, and I hope that you find your path of least regret.

ETA:

...but leaving an open ended question like that doesn't work for him at all. He is the type that won't let that lay...

That is why the question is good, it must evoke change, no more status quo. The type of person he is lies and cheats to his wife and does not care about the affect on his family as much as he cares about meeting his need for the OW. This must change if there is going to be any M. The question pushes him to respond differently, to begin change.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 7:26 AM, February 5th (Tuesday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
ReunitePangea
♂ Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, February 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I saw my son from a distance for the 1st time in 14 weeks

Deeppurple, how the hell are you able to hold yourself together, you really are a man of steel. This process is so unfair to BH that is just pisses me off. Our WW can go out for years and ruin our M but if we D we are the ones punished most with time with our kids - the court system is so unfair.

Sorry but after 3+ months of dealing with all this I think I have finally entered the pissed off stage. Before now so much of my energy was put into figuring out what happened, figuring out where we would go from here, building up my WW and protecting myself from it happening again - that now with that all set-up I am left to get pissed for being in this situation in the first place. I have not raised my voice even once to my WW during this whole thing (I never do that anyways) so I am sure she is so confused when she looks at my mood - in her eyes we are making many positive steps (which we are) so I am sure she worries that I am going backwards. How long does this pissed off period last?


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 406 | Registered: Nov 2012
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, February 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My dad is only 65 and will be lucky to survive 2013, he was diagnosed in October with an aggressive brain cancer that the average survival is only 12-15 months.

Gotta - First let me say that I am so sorry you are having to go through all of this with an unremorseful spouse at a time when you are losing such an important person in your life.

If you don't mind I'd like to share a little of my own experience. My father was diagnosed with C and was given 4 months max to live. In fact, he lived just a few days short of those 4 months. At the time of his diagnosis, I had no idea my H was in his 8 year LTA. However, I did believe what the drs. were telling us and decided that I would make every last day with my loving father count and completely devoted my time and energy to him. He was a good, loving, devoted father and to this day I am so glad that I was able to spend so many wonderful, final hours with him. Those memories will be with me forever.

Several years after my father's death, my twin sister was diagnosed with a rare, terminal disease. We were the best of friends and I treasured our relationship more than any other in my life.

After d-day it was my sister who was there for me. I was so destroyed that it was her supporting me instead of me being there for her as she went through some of the worst treatments anyone should have to endure. To this day, I harbor some resentment that my H's LTA prevented me from being the support to my sister that I should have been in her final years. She died 3 years after d-day just as I was beginning to feel stronger and my M was showing significant signs of being on the right track.

I tell you all of this because I want you to think about changing your focus. You are very focused on your H and it is a continuous string of pain and disappointment. Is it possible for you to place your energies on your final months with your father??? I can assure you from my own very personal experience you will not regret the memories you will acquire.

As everyone here has said, you cannot change your H (except for Tryn who thinks you can with loving acts and maybe he is right but I'm in the camp that your H is too deep into his fog to believe that). You can however devote your time and energy to the father who loves you and whose time here is limited. I promise you, you will not regret it!! I also promise you that if you allow your H to take away these last few months from your father you will be left with resentment that he cheated you out of some very meaningful times with your father.

You are clearly distraught over the news of your father's diagnosis. How has your H been there for you to process this devastating news? From your posts, he continues to "cake eat" and belittle you. Where is his compassion??

IMHO, I think you should embrace these final months with your father and let that be the judge of how committed your H is to you and your M instead of hoping that a week of passion in the Dominican Republic will give you the answer that you seek.

With sincere concern and hugs.
FNF


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, February 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ReunitePangea wrote:
Before now so much of my energy was put into figuring out what happened, figuring out where we would go from here, building up my WW and protecting myself from it happening again - that now with that all set-up I am left to get pissed for being in this situation in the first place. I have not raised my voice even once to my WW during this whole thing (I never do that anyways) so I am sure she is so confused when she looks at my mood - in her eyes we are making many positive steps (which we are) so I am sure she worries that I am going backwards. How long does this pissed off period last?

If you are trying to R with your W, or even if you aren't, then please don't hold the anger in. You actually need to express it to her or it will just eat you up and come out in more R damaging forms down the line. You being mad isn't going backwards it's actually going forward. If you feel like you are going to explode go explode elsewhere but when you are done come back and tell you W exactly what you are feeling and why. She needs to understand and see the anger and hurt you are feeling. She HAS to know it's apart of what you are going through and needs to support you through it even if she just says she is sorry and gives you a hug. It is going to suck for her but it's a reality of the situation and a consequence of her A is you being royally and rightfully pissed off at times. You physically and emotionally can't stay mad forever. It will go in phases but your W must realize that this is a part of what you are going through as well and she cant' run away from this part. It's part of YOUR healing and if she wants to stay she has to accept all the bad emotions with the others.

As for how long it lasts, it will last as long as it needs to last unfortunately. Don't try to get out of it, instead go through it. I am not saying curse her out although if you feel like it go for it but don't hide your emotions. She needs to know that some days you won't want to look at, hear her, or be around her and she has to accept that as well.

If you can't talk to her at that moment, what I did was write down or type exactly what I felt at that moment to get it out of my system. I found that that helped on top of hitting the gym to burn off the excess energy. I went through a ton of these cycles and still do to some extent but I don't get mad anymore I just get disappointed for a bit and move on.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 9:03 AM, February 5th (Tuesday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1582 | Registered: May 2011
brooke4
♀ Member
Member # 13581
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, February 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Hi Gotta,

One more comment from me and then I'm going to bow out as I don't think it's helpful to you to feel like you're being hammered over the head. Ultimately you will need to do what you need to do, in your own way, in your own time.

But...


I probably am bargaining but I am also giving it my all as a last ditch effort before I walk away. It may not be the right way for you but I already have been in this mess for 2 years what's another 60 days of giving it my best effort while seeking counseling and getting on some meds? The worst thing that could happen is he leaves me and that is already out there anyway, I'm hoping he will see that our marriage and famly is worth dumping her.

One thing that happens when people live in situations like this is that their perceptions get skewed. It seems to me that there is nothing wrong with trying to be the best wife you can be to see if that can turn things around. It's just that I'm worried your definition of best wife you can be = doormat.

My definition of the best wife you can be would be someone who figures out what kind of husband and marriage she wants, needs and expects, and relays those expectations to her husband to give him a chance to live up to them. I'm very worried that your approach is almost an enabling one.

Your idea to keep the peace for 60 days, go on vacation, remind him of good times and your mutually built past and family is good. It's great if he thinks he is in danger of losing all that. But, honestly, in his shoes, why should he worry about that right now? It seems to me like you're whipping up extra frosting for the cake.

And his unease about counselling? I think it's real, because he's pretty scared you're going to do all those things above. I'm going to put money on it that he exerts pressure for you to stop counselling. Please don't.

And one last point - I know there is a lot of history, and there are children and good times and lots of love, but I'm willing to bet that if you look back, you've done most of the heavy lifting in the marriage. And that there was also a lot of manipulation and lack of empathy and even slightly narcissistic behaviour on your H's part--possibly while both of you (and likely all your friends, family and coworkers) thought of him as a "nice guy."

If I'm right, he might well end his affair, but is that the marriage you want to go back to? I know I didn't.


Me: BS, 40, Him: WS 41
Married: 15 years
3 children
D-Day: 10/2005

Posts: 1483 | Registered: Feb 2007
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, February 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gotta.. here are my thoughts..

A quality woman knows how to forgive. For any relationship to work, statistic say we both must have it within ourselves to forgive. You have a choice to be a quality woman or not. You can forgive or not. You can forgive in the presents of your man or not. It might be easier to forgive by moving on to another relationship in your life. That is always your choice. And I happen to know within all good people, it will come naturally or by your choice. This is not faking it, it is not manipulation, it is making a choice and executing it. When you make the choice to forgive, you are not role playing. You are executing what forgiving is about.

Forgiving is not a feeling. Feelings are feelings. You can choose to share feelings or not. Sometimes in life you cannot and should not share feelings. If you see a gross disfigured person whose face was burned in an accident, that you may feel his face is so distorted, you feel grossed out. It is hard to even look at. Are you role playing by keeping those feelings to yourself? I consider that not role playing, but you have compassion for that persons feelings.

You only control the things you can control. You have the ability to control what you say or not say.

A quality person does everything they can do.. to be.. Attractive. If you are attracting, it is not manipulation. You are not making, forcing, a person to doing something they do not want to do.

Attractions come in many forms and shapes. Some attractions are things you have no idea are attractions.

The reason you need to make sure your H sees you reading a book on forgiving is to tell him something.. H, I am learning how to forgive your sin. Forgiving is a process. After adultery, it is very difficult to forgive. It takes months and months. You will slip, you will likely fail. All you can do is pick yourself back up and try again and again. Someone who has failed in life needs and has basic feeling too.. To Feel Safe is huge. Attraction is a woman who does not throw a man’s failure back in his face.

Manipulation is to force someone. You never force your man to do anything he does not, on his own, choose to do. You cannot control his choice anyway. An example manipulation is when by force I am forced to send my money, my tax dollars to the government that who makes me pay for innocent children to be sucked down the sink. That is manipulation.

I realize your H is making a choice to keep this foolish OW hanging on. You have great fear in your future. You don’t feel safe just to name one. All valid feelings for the situation you are in. What can you control? You can control being very attractive. DO THAT. Make that the new YOU in every aspect of life. Other are attracted to people who are fun, forgiving, adventures, truthful, dependable, nice, and the list is long. We have no way of knowing the future. But if you change and be nothing but attractive, good quality people will enter your world.

We eliminate people from our world who make the choice not to love us. It does not matter the reason, the FOO, any history. Love is always a choice.

But love is patient.

You can give a man a chance to change and do this by being so attractive, he makes the choice to get back in the M with you. You say your man basically a good man. He got off track along the way. When you met him, you saw much good in your man. He still has this good. But along the way his own feelings drove him to immorality. You are going to teach him morality, remind him. He is going to decide to be a quality man or not. The consequences of him choosing evil in your world will be.. It must be! Or he is not worthy of YOU and will no longer be in your world.

Fear is driving your choice right now. SO WHAT. It drove me to R too. My W made the choice along the way to be a quality woman. And guess what? Every bad behavior she does today is going to bring on pressure by me. I am going to do everything I can to be attractive too, that falls all on me. In all good relationship, it is mutual! I expect my W to bring pressure on me until I see my own bad behaviors too. This is your turn to behave loving, nice, solid, firm, with courage to make sure you make sure your H sees his bad self.

If you really look at the 180.. many of those things they advise you to do are just flat out being an attractive person. See, the 180 shows the spouse you changed something about yourself. They see it comes in a way that is nice, attractive… They then make the choice on there own to feel the evil that entered into there lives. Some feel it, some may not.

So many on SI will advise to dump their spouse. Make them no longer part of your world. I am not saying that is the wrong thing to do. I am not saying that it is right to stay in a M when your spouse checks out. You are still engaging.

But what you can do is give anyone a chance to change. If that man really cares about you, deep in his confused soul, you can guide him to make the choice to change himself… A way to do it is by adding pressure and more pressure. Maybe they can take it, maybe they cannot. But it always leads to a final conclusion, when along the way you have consequences… and You have the courage to enforce the consequences.

Gotta. You lack courage. You admit it. You have many very hard things to deal with in life right now. You start working on your courage one simple step at a time. Start dreaming love sweetie! Love for yourself and others..

Too me, courage is making a choice to forgive! Courage is knowing evil is on you yet you still choose to fight. You are dancing right now.. dancing through a M minefield.. You might even step on a mine and it will explode.. Your M could end. It will be ok because on the other side of your pain are many good things to come. If you keep dancing! You can do this and will do it.

See. Buying a book on forgiving is easy. Making sure your H sees you reading it is easy… And loving is easy.. fighting evil Is not so easy.. Try hard to enjoy what you have this moment in time.. the good things, enjoy the present! Enjoy the time you can have with your dad sharing all the good memories, all the strength he gave you, all the good feelings he gave you.. these memories will go on forever. We cannot control death. It is part of life. You will die, I will die. The pain of end is not good feelings because you will miss all the great conversations, values, but you can take in all you dad has to give you right now and cherish them in memory forever!

You can harness all the good you H has to offer you right now. The financial support, and what he gives you.. He is still loving you if you know love.. He is not loving you in some ways, but loving you in others. It is human. Humans often disrespect other. Guess what? Welcome to life.

A fact is today, you are not in Reconciliation. But you can make a choice to love or you can withhold your love, you blessing. That falls all on you.

What motivates people to change can be done with love, attractions or it can be done with withholding love. People need to be loved. A person withholding love is hoping that other person will change because he feels the need to have your love so much, he wants to change not to risk losing what he wants to feel. And that works. It takes courage to withhold love.

And you can feel real good about yourself to make sure before the final ultimatum comes, the final choice is made you gave someone you made a vow with that you did everything within your soul to make sure you did it in a loving way, to make a choice.

He will feel good to see you reading.. GOOD.
He will feel good when you make the choice and do love him. GOOD
He will begin to feel guilty and shame when you start the pressure. GOOD. He needs to feel it. He will feel it. Only with these feelings do you have any chance to save your M.
He will on his own make the choice to be M to you. GOOD.

Only when he makes the choice to end the other relationship, can you then work on ways to mutually love each other and get to a good place of peace. And once you get to this place, you will never again get lax about maintaining it when you know how to say the right things, do the right things, and know how to bring on a healthy conflict.

Word on Mike? Crickets. My wife “got it”. And no fight, no bad feelings, no arguing, no blame, no defense.. And what happens behind my back I cannot control. My W can take it deep underground or not. I don’t care in many ways. I know this, it will not be with any man in my face again and part of my life. That makes it so much more difficult to have any A. I will make it difficult for anyone to betray me again. I am no longer naive. And I can only hope my pressure was such that when I insisted on it, faught for it, she could feel good that she has a man willing to fight for the relationship, keep it in a good place.. On top of it… And I am keenly aware of all love she gives me or is not giving me. That is attractive. It is my mighty effort to keep swimming upward into my own happiness forever.

Now, I need to go love my job! Preacher Tryn is out! Peace.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, February 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

gotta ~
I'm worried your definition of best wife you can be = doormat.
True!
He will feel good to see you reading.. GOOD.
He will feel good when you make the choice and do love him. GOOD
He will begin to feel guilty and shame when you start the pressure. GOOD. He needs to feel it. He will feel it. Only with these feelings do you have any chance to save your M.
He will on his own make the choice to be M to you. GOOD.
Your WH is so deep in the fog these things will go right over his head. He hasn't felt guilty in over 2 years and because gotta is reading a book on forgiveness he is going to all of a sudden feel guilty?

Look, gotta's d-day is not recent. I wouldn't be pushing the "tough love" stuff as much as I am if she just recently found out. Her WH is deep in the fog and has been happily eating cake while you have been being the "best wife". Stop trying to change him and change you, gotta. Be strong, you can do it. Grab hold of the 180 and do it to the best of your ability. Focus on your dear father and your children. I say all I say out of deep concern for your emotional well being. You have been mistreated for a long time now, it is time for it to stop.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8984 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, February 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

forgivenotforget

As everyone here has said, you cannot change your H (except for Tryn who thinks you can with loving acts and maybe he is right but I'm in the camp that your H is too deep into his fog to believe that).

To clarify… I am in a camp where I suggest she change and be as attractive as humanly possible for a short time. After that time, start to add pressure that will build and build more and more as time goes on.

Are you in the camp where you say.. Give the final ultimatum today?


Sister..

Your WH is so deep in the fog these things will go right over his head. He hasn't felt guilty in over 2 years and because gotta is reading a book on forgiveness he is going to all of a sudden feel guilty?

I am keenly aware of where she is at with her feelings.. She is saying she does not want to give the final ultimatum. I get it.

Nothing wrong with taking baby steps.

and the past 2 years she has been avoiding it. Arguing.. taking defense.. telling her man her feeling etc.. Time to change her approach.. I think she can do my suggestion real easy.. build up to the point she has courage to enforce heavier and heavier consequecnces. And get a fun trip in the deal too.

I think her personality is much like honest. For reasons I think I can understand, they just cannot give ultimatums to move on in life. Sister, you have your personality, and others have their own personality.

I want to encourage Gotta and Honest.. It can be done very slowly. Nothing wrong with that choice.

Honest.. I suggest she go get a simple entry level job. This starts her way toward a financial freedom. She can live at home, accept, know she is living with a narcissism man who cannot change.. build up some savings, form a plan for a break.

Gotta, I don’t know her H.. it will take a whole bunch more descriptions to decide if her H is mentally ill. So I give her man the benefit of doubt because of what she wants. She wants her M right now. Not anything wrong with wanting to try and make it work.

I also know people change very slowly. It also take repetition. Light pressure is easy.. heavy pressure is hard.

Overcoming fear to apply heavy pressure is just hard for some people. SO you take it slow…

I want Gotta and Honest to change. But that Is not my choice. I want to encourage them to change. It is not so hard. Take it one day at a time.

[This message edited by trynhard at 10:59 AM, February 5th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, February 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

gotta is trying to change WH, to get him to see things she wants him to see. You can't change people, only ourselves. Sure, gotta can read the book and see what happens. She shouldn't have any false hopes though, because frankly, reading a book on forgiveness to stop someone who is actively cheating are, I would say, slim to none. Of course, that is my opinion only.

I am also not saying to give the final ultimatum right now either. I understand that. But, instead of wasting her time on being the "best wife" and reading books on forgiveness her energy is better spent on improving and focusing on herself. IC, the 180, focusing on her father and children I feel would be time better spent.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8984 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, February 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

gotta.. Love always hopes. False hopes? You will not know until the fat lady sings.

Be attractive NO MATTER. bears will flock to your hive.

Books teach us.

You can't change people, only ourselves.
There is always a cause and effect to all.

You behave attractive.. make honey.. a bear will come wanting to eat it. You don't make honey.. a bear will look for something else to eat.

[This message edited by trynhard at 11:03 AM, February 5th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
gotta2know
♀ Member
Member # 37115
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, February 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is a shit storm coming. I want 60 days to clear my concious that I have done everything right. I also need time to have the counseling help me with my self-esteem issues.

Yes, I am frosting the cake, somewhat. I am frosting it hoping he realizes how sweet it is in his own home. I want him to realize what he's throwing out when I have the confrontation with him in April.

I hate letting his affair continue for 60 days, building it up, but I am not ready to part ways yet. And if I do, it will be just another confrontation with no teeth. I am preparing in the background for the worst and hoping for the best. I have begun the work in counseling, I am stashing funds, and I am trying to get focused on other things in my life.

My dad's situation is awful. My husband has been very supportive of whatever I want to do with my dad. We went to Rochester for Christmas and Thanksgiving to spend the holidays with my dad while he was receiving treatment. I also spent a week with him by myself while he had his surgery to remove his tumor. He pushes me to spend time with my dad whenever possible. He has also been ok with using our family funds to pay for some of their expenses without a thought. This represents some importance to me because I know he wants to clean up our finances in order to divorce me. I feel like I am doing my dad justice, I know I need to spend quality time with him so that I can have lasting memories. I also know I will be angry with my husband if I let my dad pass away without the connections I need. I'm not letting that happen. My dad has been a special person in my life, all of my life, he helped me alot through my first divorce. I haven't even mentioned this mess to him and I'm not going to until I have to.

I am doing a little role playing and not being the authentic me in some ways. I am being the giving, loving wife I know I can be if he choses to reconcile with me in the right ways. In April if he doesn't chose to reconcile with me the right way, I am going to walk away knowing I did the right thing.

I know you guys are all right about needing to head this off and have the confrontation. I still think I need to get myself on the road again where I can feel good. If I have that confrontation now it will do no good. I don't have enough self-esteem to stand behind it. By doing what's right in my marriage and attending counseling I am working on me and I need to do that first. I know in my heart that the person I have always been is buried in my soul somewhere. I will find her again, I know.

You do have a valid point about going on a trip with someone that has been hurting me as much as he has. Trust me, I have thought about that too. Part of me wonders why I should even go on a trip like that, a romantic one, with someone that could do the things that he has done. The other part of me says I have never been anywhere like that and I probably won't get the chance again, I should go and enjoy the trip. I also am viewing this as my last attempt at showing my husband what a good person he is losing if he continues the affair.

You're right, there are opportunities to make excuses along the way regarding my dad's health, the kids, etc. I am done making excuses, this is it. I already struggle with how he can do this to me while my dad is battling for his life.

Sometimes, if I dwell on it, I think that he has to be the cruelest person on earth to do this to me now. Really, it's pretty inhumane. At least when an animal is suffering, most people shoot it to put it out of it's misery! Most times I feel like he has dug my wounds deeper by maintaining the contact, lying to me, purposely confusing me.

I won't allow this to continue past April. I am going to set up the "stage" for now and establish boundaries and expectations later.


BW - 46 (me)
WH - 46(repeated cheater, cake eater)
Married 17 years
DD 4/8/2011 and many more
3 children- 22(mine), 16 and 13
Living in misery trying to understand why I choose to do so.
I like the saying "feel the fear and do it anyway!&

Posts: 165 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: SD
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, February 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well gotta.. By april you are going to be in a far better place. Who knows what kind of shitstorm it will be. By then, your H will not know what hit him. He's emotions will either be back to the greater good of the M or messed up pretty bad. Yours are going to be those of power, satisfaction, and control.

Guess what H? He may think he's getting his financial house in order but you are too.

You are far smarter than your H. You are working the power of the great minds of the LTA board. You are the CEO and the management is giving you all kinds of options for your final decision.. And its all good! We go back and forth on how to approach things so you can see different ways.. Understand.

You can run down and open a checking account in your name now. Is that something you can do?


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, February 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that he has to be the cruelest person on earth to do this to me now. Really, it's pretty inhumane.

I see it as childish and selfish, his needs his wants come first. No empathy, no intimacy, no compassion.

When FWW was in her A she was always very understanding of my being gone from home to visit family or for work(opportunity, or at least no guilt from me being around while she texted OM). She encouraged me to spend money on things for me like a boat. Again, it soothed her guilt.

ETA:

.. make honey.. a bear will come wanting to eat it.

Unless the bear is so pre-occupied with picnic baskets that he does not even notice the honey (Yogi syndrome).

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 2:59 PM, February 5th (Tuesday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, February 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unless the bear is so pre-occupied with pinic baskets that he does not even notice the honey (Yogi syndrome).
Agree!


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8984 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, February 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unless the bear is so pre-occupied with picnic baskets that he does not even notice the honey (Yogi syndrome).

So true ATS or there's another honey pot and the greedy little bear decides to take from both.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 4:24 PM, February 5th (Tuesday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, February 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You guys are tough..lol
ats you are pretty clever..

G, So you keep making honey... You know your H's got that good stuff dripping out of his mouth and only gets only few chances to rob those basket. You are far more valuable than a tuna sandwich.

When that book comes in, I can vision you reading it

yogi," what ya reading?"
G, she shows him the title
G, "I'm doing my part, are you doing your part in this M"
Yogi, "blah blah blah"
G, sticks her nose back in the book. No more said!

What do you think yogi will be thinking?

Help me out RSEB! Tell us a story of how you felt once when your H did something that made you feel.. Shame.

On my twenty anniversary, I made a date with my W she heavy in her A. I gave her a new ring very expensive. I did it because my feeling were telling me she needs something special. A man solution to that? A gift of course that will make happy and show her. Her feelings? She told me she felt as low as anyone could feel that night. She told me she wanted to stop the A many times and this was one of them. Can you imagine the pressure I could apply if knew what I know now?

how hard is to applied pressure not even knowing it? G has power.

Be ready for the VAR to be found.
Yogi, "blah blah blah"
G, "when you earn my trust, get you head back in our M for the greater good, you won't have to worry. Honey, you didn't marry a fool, going out to cool off, cya later"

Smarter than the average bear.. But not as smart as G!


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, February 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She told me she wanted to stop the A many times and this was one of them.

Tryn - If you don't mind my asking, what was it that made your W end her A? Maybe you've told us earlier but I couldn't remember ever reading how her A ended.

Also, I really do appreciate your posts. Sometimes we do come from different perspectives and don't always agree but we are all here to support and give encouragement to each other. I think you were very lucky to have the experience of Retrovaille. There is no question that that was a major benefit to you and your W.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, February 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"No one ends an affair because they realize they are still in love. They end an affair because they are scared. Scared of taking it to the next level, scared of being found out, scared of ruining their life." ~ Rick Castle, from the tv series Castle In my case, this is why my FWH ended his LTA 6 years before I found out. I would say it is true in most cases. I don't feel he was talking about cases where the spouse was caught and then stopped the affair.

I thought it was an interesting quote and for me holds a lot of truth.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8984 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
RSEB
♀ Member
Member # 34728
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, February 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Help me out RSEB! Tell us a story of how you felt once when your H did something that made you feel.. Shame.

Ok lets see, did I feel shame and guilt? at times yes, but when I was toward the end and my feelings for MOM were consuming me, I felt I couldn't breathe, I just kept finding fault with my BH and I felt suffocated by him. Now after D Day, I know what true guilt and shame feel like, it is something that I cannot just push aside.

However during my A we passed our 10 year anniversary. My BH bought me a very expensive diamond ring to celebrate. We were in the jewelry store for HOURS picking it out, I did feel IMMENSE guilt. We wound up buying a ring, that was way to expensive. I wound up returning it a few days later, because of the guilt and because of the money.

However I think a WW and a WH are very different. I was very good friends with MOMs wife. We spoke all the time, our children were best friends. Even writing this, realizing the person I was makes me nauscous. I can't believe I was SO deceptive and sneaky for so many years. I witnessed MOMs BW watch us, I saw her antenna go up when she started to suspect what was going on. This was for about a year before we got caught by my BH. If it were up to MOM BW, she never would have confronted us. MOM had her convinced that she was "crazy", (his words). She would never truly confront him. She was too afraid of his anger and nasty comments to her. She could do nothing right in his eyes. He was in the fog. MOMs BW actually caught a text message on MOM phone from me a whole month before my BH found out. MOM and I both convinced her it was nothing. The text was pretty much me trying to end it with him and it said something along the lines of "This has to end, I can't take this anymore, this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I love you."...and yes, we managed to make her believe us that it was nothing. Sickening.

When it comes to a BH I don't think that Gotta has much leverage, not now anyway. She has to boot him out of the fog first, at FULL SPEED. Right now all her loving gestures and good wife behavior are only going to annoy him, it won't even register on his radar like another tribe member said.

Yes, I do believe after the cake eating has stopped and BH has his head in R for his M, then the light pressure and loving words/actions should commence.

There were so many times that MOM BW wanted to distance their family from me and my family. MOM just lsid into her and told her that he and I were friends and she wasn't going to put an end to that. He gave her I think TWO f'ing days to get over the text message she found from me and then I was back at their house with the kids. Sick, and hearing it now I think what an A%%hole MOM is, but back then I thought..."wow, how much he loves me, that he would do this to be with me.

Unless you are in an LTA it is impossible to understand the power the AP has. The love and union of the BS doesn't even come close. If it did, then the A wouldn't have started in the first place.

It is an embarrassment I live with. I fight my inner battle every day to try and not let my A define me, but when it went on for SO long, and the deception was so out of control, it is hard to put it up on a shelf. When true remorse sets in, it is IMPOSSIBLE to compartmentalize anymore. I am the affair, and the affair is me


ME - FWS


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