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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Inappropriate or Not?
mariusa
♀ Member
Member # 13541
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, November 10th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kernel, I am so sorry for your loss.
I think about this now that my mother is aging at a faster rate.
She has been such a big help to me though all this not to mention to ex and I when we were married.

He was able to cast her aside just as he did the rest of us.

I feel the same way as hurtinky.

I feel if they wreck your life, their condolences about another loss are meaningless. It would strike me as fake, and as if they were were taking the opportunity to be seen as a decent person, when in fact they aren't.

In the case of my ex, any condolences he would give would mean nothing because nobody means anything to him.
I would hope he would say something to my kids since they are so close to my mother but to me....I don't want to hear anything from him. It do nothing but upset me more.


BS(me)45 now 48, WH (POS)45 now 48
M 24trs, DD14, DS15
POS OW - then 24, now doesn't matter
D-day 1/2/07, Divorced 11/13/08
ôLive without pretending, Love without depending, Listen without defending, Speak without offending."

Posts: 2058 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: NY
iamasurvivor
♀ Member
Member # 29728
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, November 10th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry for your loss!
I loss my dad in June, my ex emailed our daughter to ask her, to ask me if it was ok if he came to the visitation! I told her to have him call me. He did call and I told him that my family did not want him there and that I was going thru one of the hardest things in my life and the person that was supposed to be by my side walked out on his family. He said if I didn't let him come that I could never say that he hasn't been there for our kids!
He did end up coming for about 15 minutes, saw my dad and talked to our kids and then left. He wanted to talked to my mom, but our kids wouldn't let him! LOL
He proved again that he didn't care about me, by not respecting my wishes. He was the one that didn't want to be a family any more. He knew that he wouldn't be welcome but he wanted to show that he wasn't such a bad guy!


I will come out stronger!

Posts: 254 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: iowa
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, November 10th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((kernel)))

My condolences on your loss.

As to your reaction, I totally understand and see why you feel the way you describe. I agree that silence would have a better choice as a response but in grief we do things less in wisdom than in reaction.

To date, by far the worst grief in my life has been dday and the aftermath. I suspect that intense grief in the future may trigger a return to that time??

I know that as the cause of such grief, my ex gets no pass or cause to send condolences by text or mail or in person. AND AFTER being told his presence was unwelcome and intrusive to have him follow that up with more intrusion?? It is a blatant fuck you and your wishes and far from appropriate IMO.

I actually cared for my SIL but if she or her husband pass, there will be no contact from me on that loss. They are NOT my family now. I have no relationship with them or anyone who will miss them outside of my children.

I think some ex's sense weakness and enjoy it or the idea of our pain?? Even the fact that I think this or believe it means that a letter highlighting this pain is an attack and not a condolence.

(((more hugs)))


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5859 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
miadianna
♀ Member
Member # 10516
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, November 10th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry about your father. This would bother me and I think you have a right to feel this way, I would too. To me, when you're gone, you're gone. I'm sorry but when they leave, they have no right to be a part of your life anymore even when something like this happens. When they send a card, it's more about "them" than you or the person who passed away.


Me: BS 53
Son: 27 years old
Daughter: 25 years old
D-day(s) 9/23/94 - 1/31/05
Divorced 4/10/08

Posts: 7482 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Illinois
ms_triv
♀ Member
Member # 23812
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, November 10th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry for your loss. I was in a very similar position when the X sent flowers after my father's death, six months after the divorce. My mom didn't appreciate the gesture AT ALL, but rationalized that he was trying to do something decent, even though he was a turd in the rest of his life. She couldn't bring herself to thank him, though, and asked me to do it. So I sent him a thank-you note that was every bit as stilted & phony as his condolence note, and that was that.


Divorced! and living exactly the life I want...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Overland Park, KS
Whalers11
♀ Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, November 10th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would be pissed, too... I don't want my ex pretending like he cares/is concerned after he crushed my soul with his infidelity. It would come across as fake and insincere, or at best, seems like he was doing it to feel better for himself.


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2256 | Registered: Feb 2010
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, November 10th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why even bother caring about his motivations? Easier said than done, I know, especially during a time of grief.

I think it's best not to dwell on how pure or impure his motivations were. If his condolences are not welcome, ignore them.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
NoTriangles
♀ Member
Member # 35985
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, November 10th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I share the opinion that is was inappropriate.

If you napalm my life, you don't get to assuage your guilt by expressing sympathy that another bomb fell on the village you already destroyed.

I am so very sorry for your loss, kernel.

(((kernel)))


Me: Finding my Sunlight
Him: Traitor in my Foxhole
Let go or get dragged.

Posts: 1252 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: a state of consciousness
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, November 10th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((kernel))))


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25714 | Registered: Aug 2011
hurtinky
♀ Member
Member # 26152
Default  Posted: 3:31 AM, November 11th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think one of the major issues in this situation is, the exWS in this situation knows that the exBS doesn't welcome their expression of sympathy, or any other non-kid related contact, yet they go ahead and make the contact.

They, once again, do what makes them feel good, no matter how we feel about it.

Same sh*t, different day.

There's no decency in this.

These people know, without any doubt, that we don't want them in our day to day lives. We don't want contact. They know this. But they also know that the occasion of a death is so unique that maybe, just maybe, that they can sneak in and do whatever it is that their sad psyche needs to accomplish.

As someone else said, no, they don't get to do this.

They don't get to pretend that they care. Because after what they did, only a complete idiot would believe that they do care. There's no possible way they do care. They only care about themselves.

Personally, I think the ones who would pull a prank such as this are the worst of the worst. The last little shred of respect I have for my exWS is that he at least respects my desire for total NC. If he broke that, knowing how I feel, I would be furious. There's not a situation that could ever happen that I want or need for him to INTRUDE into my life.


Me --> BS
D-Day 10-1988
D-Day 9-12-2005
S 9-13-2005
D 3-6-12



Posts: 1500 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Kentucky
thebighurt
♀ Member
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 3:59 AM, November 11th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry your loss, kernel. And I'm so very sorry your ex added to that pain.

I actually cared for my SIL but if she or her husband pass, there will be no contact from me on that loss. They are NOT my family now. I have no relationship with them or anyone who will miss them outside of my children.

I totally agree with this. In fact, I plan to tell my (adult) children that if anything at all happened to me I do not want xpos around me, or them, for that matter. It would be phony and self-serving, or simply being nosey. I want TOTAL NC!


Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 2381 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
thebighurt
♀ Member
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 4:05 AM, November 11th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My phone submitted before I could add that, if feeling like that makes me a bad person, I happily accept that label! After what he has said and done, he deserves no consideration whatsoever.


Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 2381 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
hitbyatruck
♀ Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, November 11th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Kernel)))

I get how you are feeling. He left you and your family, you aren't long lost friends.

My father (who cheated multiple times on my mother eventually left my Mom for his pregnant AP 20 some years ago) has come to almost every funeral on my mother's side of the family. Yep, to the viewings. He sent card, flowers, food to when each of my mother's parents died.

My Mom wasn't thrilled to see him but understood why he felt he needed to be there.


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3280 | Registered: Apr 2009
hurtinky
♀ Member
Member # 26152
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, November 11th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hitbyatruck, why did he feel he needed to be there? I just can't wrap my head around it being anything but wanting to be seen as a good person. Just another act of narcissism.

I don't want anyone who has hurt me, manipulated me, lied to me, tried to destroy my life, intruding into my personal life. A former WS who is even remotely concerned with not inflicting further hurt would honor, without exception, their former BSs need for privacy and NC.

I think the original poster's WS is a particularly nasty specimen of humanity. He made more gestures AFTER she told him to leave her and her family alone. What a jerk.

There's nothing decent or appropriate about an ex ignoring your need for NC.


Me --> BS
D-Day 10-1988
D-Day 9-12-2005
S 9-13-2005
D 3-6-12



Posts: 1500 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Kentucky
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, November 11th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry for your loss

It's appropriate if he was sincere it's inappropriate if he was being manipulative

Only you can really differentiate.

But, if he sent the cards AFTER your text reply requesting NC (again) that is reeks of manipulative behavior. If the card was already in the mail then I'd let both episodes go.


Posts: 500 | Registered: Jun 2012
hitbyatruck
♀ Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, November 11th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My father still loved my mother's family even though he left in the most cruel way possible. He felt he needed to pay his respects. He always came with his own father (my grandfather) who also wanted to pay his respects.


My mother didn't feel it was her place to tell my father how to grieve or not grieve a person who used to be his family. She is just about at indiffernce with my Dad so it doesn't bother her that much to see him but if he would have brought his wife (former AP) that would have pissed her off.


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3280 | Registered: Apr 2009
hurtinky
♀ Member
Member # 26152
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, November 11th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If the ex BS doesn't want any contact, I think the ex WS should stay away from BS and family, no matter what the situation, or how sincere they are about it.

Most ex WS's know and understand where the ex BS stands on this issue and if they have developed any concern and general respect for their ex BS, they will respect those boundaries. Only a real shit head would make contact and try to make it seem like they were doing something nice.

Man, this topic has really triggered me. I hope my ex never pulls a prank like this. He'll regret it.


Me --> BS
D-Day 10-1988
D-Day 9-12-2005
S 9-13-2005
D 3-6-12



Posts: 1500 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Kentucky
thebighurt
♀ Member
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, November 11th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Only a real shit head would make contact and try to make it seem like they were doing something nice.

Man, this topic has really triggered me. hope my ex never pulls a prank like this. He'll regret it.

Exactly, Hurtinky. I feel this way too, especially since he has done something in similar circumstances already. He continues to try to manipulate. And such concern....


Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 2381 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
Griefstricken25
♀ Member
Member # 29183
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, November 11th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel if they wreck your life, their condolences about another loss are meaningless. It would strike me as fake, and as if they were were taking the opportunity to be seen as a decent person, when in fact they aren't.

This is how I would feel about it, too. Totally fake, and just another way to make outsiders think what a "nice person" he is.


Me!
3 amazing kidlets
To WXH "Now you're just somebody that I used to know." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9NF2edxy-M
D-day and separation - June, 2009
Divorced - December, 2011

Posts: 2524 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: A better place
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, November 11th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First, I'm very sorry for your loss.

Gently, yes--I do think you're over-reacting. I think expressing condolences for the loss of a former FIL, the mother of his ex, and the grandfather of his son is MORE than appropriate. In fact, it would be inappropriate, IMO, if he did NOT do so.

I think your response is likely based in grief, though, so don't be hard on yourself.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8830 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Topic Posts: 47
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