That was the night OW flew in for their high school reunion; he took her out for a nice dinner in a fancy restaurant, and she spent the night with him.
His response, when I told him how much this hurt--that he'd not only betrayed me, but lied in a way that had me worried sick? "Well, there was a seminar! I did need to be down there early. And I would have been in a hotel anyway."
2. Re: the high school reunion--I was not invited. I didn't want to go, and I didn't want him to go. He is an asshole when around HS friends, and I already was sensing something was up. We were supposedly working to R from an infidelity discovered a few years prior---and he just wasn't stepping up to the plate. ("It was so long ago!" "Just get over it!" "I am doing everything you want--you just don't want to see it!") I just had a very bad feeling about it.
I asked if we could, instead, have a weekend away alone. His response, over a few months, ranged from "NOW you want to do that? You never cared before!" to "We can't afford it." (Funny. We "afforded" $1500 for him to go to a reunion 50 miles from home.)
As he walked out the door to go to the reunion (because he came home and slept with me for two nights after his first go-around with OW--but no worries, he didn't cheat on her with me; that would have been wrong), I begged him not to go, to instead use the money on a weekend away for us. He stood in the kitchen, looking at me for a minute, and said, "Fuck you."
Next, he took OW to the hotel where we had our wedding reception--they spent both nights of the reunion there with her. When I asked him how it felt to be back in the hotel he'd last been in with me when we were married, he said, "I was kind of bummed I didn't come, but I took a shower and went to sleep." (This time around, they didn't spend the nights in the same room; she skulked back to her room to sleep. Didn't want any classmates figuring out what was going on.)
His response, when told how much this hurts me---how I can no longer look at the pictures of our wedding without seeing her there with him---he sort of snorted and said, laughingly, "I'm sorry, Bets. I'm trying, but I don't see what the big deal is."
3. Before going to OW's city for an "interview" I am not even sure occurred (he was fired right after d-day, but eked into disability before his severance period expired; I don't believe the Boston office of the firm that just canned him and from whom he was working to get disability benefits would invite him for an interview), I triggered terribly. He swore he would not see her, that he would be available when not in the interview. (He wasn't, btw. But there was "lousy cell reception.") I was beside myself--really losing it---and he recorded my horrible meltdown on his iPhone "so I can show you how crazy you are later." (Sadly, I was well aware how crazy I was; it was the worst aspect of all of this.)
In fact, he did meet OW during that trip. (He denied this, sharing finally on--of all days--the Valentine's Day right after we separated. I guess he felt the need to make that one as crappy as he'd made all the others.) And I am quite certain his recording of my meltdown was shared with her.
4. He brought OW to SI so she could read my posts. They both really kind of reveled in my pain. (I can't understand this---if my partner found this to be entertaining, it would scare the shit out of me; that NEITHER of them thought, "This is really wrong" ...well, says an awful lot.)
5. But worst was the incessant gaslighting he engaged in from the moment...well, for our entire marriage. He married me because I loved him and he "wasn't sure anyone else ever would." He started his quest to find out about 3 years into our marriage. He left around our 24th anniversary. During the intervening years, he wore a mask--and hid who he was really well. Whenever I saw a crack, he gaslighted the living daylights out of me.
And it caused me to very nearly lose my mind, when I found out.
ETA: Oh! How could I forget the STDs?! I was very, very sick for a very, very long time. (The infection colonized my throat, and no one thought to culture for one of the more unusual STDs.) I could not lie down without secretions making me feel I was drowning. I could not SPEAK for a year. I had such a bad cough it cracked ribs.
And never once did he suggest STD testing. My annual Pap finally showed it, but it was not identified as an STD for me. Lucky WH! He got another decade and a half to mindfuck me. (No other part of me was getting fucked; remember, he was "too sick.")
When my current gyne told me it was exclusively an STD (as was another STD I had around the same time), I confronted. His response was anger. He pretended he wanted to R, pretended he was doing what he "had" to do (while really not)---but mostly seethed and plotted his LTA instead (punctuating things with a few ONSs and AFF assignations along the way).
[This message edited by solus sto at 3:17 PM, November 13th (Tuesday)]
1. We were on vacation in the Bahamas and he had been drinking (usual) and we went to dinner at a fancy restaurant. I have no idea what I said but he started screaming at me, got up,threw down a credit card and walked out calling me a bitch. I was soooo humiliated and shocked. It was his first rage episode.
2. In 2011 I had my second episode of debilitating migraine that put me in the hospital and in bed for 5 months too ill to move. He began his last affair and made comments such as: "No one I know has them so they aren't real", "I know more than the doctors and you are faking", "If you had CANCER at least we'd know what to do", "I am tired of being your nurse" (yeah picking up meds is so fracken tough scumbag), "think yourself well and just get up". Plus he never once took me to a single dr appt. in 5 months.
3. He spent those 5 months sitting in our garage or hanging out with "friends" getting drunk almost every night.
4. He left me during my illness to go drinking with a friend for 12 hours, went to a opening baseball game (which he hates) with a "neighbor" for 18 hours but during divorce discovered he went to strip club with gutter slut.
5. Worst thing...when I asked him in May 2011 to discuss his cheating on me he threatened to hit me and only stopped due to me threatening him with cops.
He was surely a great prize the gutter slut won!
1. Taking our kids to the park while I was not feeling well, and instead of playing with them he refused to push them on the swing because he was busy cruising online for chicks.
2. Sitting next to me on the couch with his feet on my lap while he was on his laptop cruising online for chicks. He did this so I wouldn't be able to quickly move and see what he was doing.
3. Taking me to a sacred religious place, to perform a sacred religious ceremony meant so bind a man and woman forever, knowing that he had cheated on me for years, was currently cheating on me, and continued to cheat on me, not giving me the option to bind myself to him or not. So taking away my freedom basically.
Turns out the baker was his pta of 27 months and AP#2.
Why he felt the need to rub my face in it like I was a bad dog who peed on the floor I will never know.
He also proudly wore the gold watch AP#2 gave him for Christmas everyday. I thought it was a group employee gift.
The necklace (crucifix, oh the irony) AP#3 gave him he hung on the rearview mirror in his car and it skank of cheap perfume.
God, he really did like rubbing my face in shit didn't he?
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
2) He would drop our son off with my parents so he could "study". Studying was code for screwing the OW in our guest bedroom...
1. The OW told me about a phone call where he picked up when I called him and said "Hey babe". I said "How did you know it was me?". He said "Oh, because you always call about this time." (I didn't but I didn't think too much of it). Turns out, he thought it was OW (she called him all the time and ate up his minutes so most of the time, I couldn't even get a hold of him) and they shared a nice laugh over the mix up. This was how I found out he called her the same pet names he called me. Sadly, I remember that phone call like it was yesterday.
2. He had been gone for 8 months and was on his way home for mid-tour. She was on her way to her next base but was home on leave. She took a bus to meet him at the airport. He called me because they held him on the tarmac for hours until he missed his flight home and said they couldn't get him out until the next day. So while I was crying over missing another day with him, he bedded down with her in the hotel they put him up in. And, yes, the OW told me about that one, too. When he came home after, he was distant and had erectile dysfunction because of the guilt. I'd waited 8 months to see my husband of 17 years and he couldn't get an erection. Talk about a blow to your self-esteem.
3. The OW had a cervical cancer scare which prompted me to go get tested and, yep, thanks for the HPV. I married my husband at 18 and had to have biopsies over unprotected sex he had with a girl who slept with at least six other guys overseas before he even got there (We're talking a six month period). Apparently, getting pregnant and miscarrying before he arrived didn't teach her anything about condom use. She got pregnant at her next base and ended up having the baby while blogging about how miserable she was that she was pregnant and had no support...
4. While overseas, he bought my daughter a gift for her birthday (since he postponed his mid-tour until after her birthday- which he claimed had nothing to do with OW but conveniently coincided with her leaving the base). He didn't have time to take it to the post office (WTF?) so he had OW mail it for him. I will never look at that gift without knowing that she had her hands on a gift for my daughter but I can't get rid of it because he didn't get her anything else from there.
5. After I found out about the affair, I went to the country he was in to work on things. While there, he asked me what he could bring me home from there and showed me something he was thinking of getting. I told him specifically that I didn't want one and showed him what I would like. Guess what he bought me on his way out of the country? I think it was a deliberate passive-aggressive kick in the face and have hated it since he got it for me.
2nd Affair while TDY for 4 months:
1. A few days after screwing the woman he had just met, he sent me a love letter detailing how in love with me he was and how perfect for him I was and how he couldn't stop thinking about me. I wonder if he was thinking about me while he was screwing her...
2. On the anniversary of our first date, I made it a point to stay up until midnight so I could get a message to him that he would read when he woke up. Later I called and he hadn't read it. I told him about it and he said he would. The next day, he emailed me an apology because he'd been so tired he just laid around and never checked his messages. He wasn't too tired to take a phone call from the OW who was out-of-state on vacation with her family.
Just so you know, every one of these posts hurts terribly to read but it's at least a comfort to know that this is WS MO and not my WS being an individual dick.
1. Continued to enjoy his EA with a coworker not much older than our teen daughter while for months I was single handedly managing every aspect of his mother's hospice care and his sister's mental/emotional meltdowns long distance for months. All the while being verbally abused by SIL's drug addict bf, who had his eye out for the financial windfall (ha) he expected to receive via SIL if I just butted out.
2. During this time, I assisted him in landing a position that would entail his working a second job, late into the night, but would be beneficial to his career. He left the house at 7am and returned after 11pm. We have two kids. I work full time and that period was extremely stressful work-wise for me, with much additional responsibilities. While I was at home, taking care of all this chaos and waiting up for him, with his dinner made (he hates left overs, so I'm making his dinner fresh every night at 10 pm, after being up for work at 5:30 a.m.), he started things with OW#2, at the job I helped findfor him.
3. After MIL passed, I had a bad cancer scare. My DD was by my side throughout, refusing to go to school so that she could attend Dr. appt's and procedures w/ me. Sleeping in my bed so that I wasn't alone on significant evenings. WH, locked in his "room" cruising the internet, hooking up with OWs etc. Not there at all for me.
4. Well into one false R, wh didn't come home the night of an antiversary. He was out bar hopping with "friends". I took kids out to dinner, ended up getting arrested (long story, I was trying to get DD's cell from her, but charges were dropped). When police called WH re: the arrest, kids alone, he told them he could not come home anytime soon. His friend's car was giving him trouble, so they were waiting on the tow truck. There were supposedly at least 4 of them out together. All with their own transportation
So many more such examples. Emailing some stranger on craigslist photos of our children along with pic's of his junk..that one is a biggie. Overall though, the shittiest thing was that he loved me so well for so long, then just sat back and continued to lie, gaslight and make false promises he had no intention of keeping, while he watched me sinking more and more into emotional, physical and mental dysfunction. And watching me struggling to find any way of making it better.
I let her come into my home not knowing they were in an A.
I had a nightmare about him leaving me for another woman (must have been my gut screaming at me). He kissed me on the forehead and told me that would never happen. He would never do that to me. They were smack in the middle of their affair. He didn't even end it after seeing my panic over the dream.
OW always made me uneasy and my WH always assured me that there was no attraction between him and her that she got on his nerves and had a bump on her nose (she does )He went ahead and had an affair with her.
Everytime I sit and really think about this shit I know he doesn't deserve me. Makes me
[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 5:32 PM, November 13th (Tuesday)]
❣I hope my issues don't discourage ur healing. I've buried a lot & my WH hasn't done his part in R❣
Here are my stories..
*4 months pregnant and I logged onto our computer to find out he didn't clear history. Found his gay personals ad with all his correct information. After confronting he told me he wanted to see "real" lesbians and not the airbrushed pics you see online. I actually bought it!
*His ds from his 1st marriage came to live with us. I helped him with his legal battle. I put together all the paperwork, took his ds to therapy appointment (his bio mom's brother molested him repeatedly from age 2-3 until he lived with us) took to all the court ordered appointments. I took care of his ds 24/7 and even gave up a career to help him retain custody. How does ex repay me? Hooks up with a 19 yr old married girl with 3 kids from a court ordered divorce/parenting class! WTF, really?!
*He told me he had to go to a wedding party for one of the guys at work. Come to find out it was a date with the other woman.
*OW contacts me and threatens to kill me and the children. I tell xwh this and he calls her and apologizes that I called the police on her.
*My xwh was military and we were moving from Mid West to Baltimore/DC area. He had me fly out 3 weeks early with the boys to find a place to live. I moved in with my mother who lived in the area and I would spend all day and night looking for a home for us. Come to find out he was screwing yet another woman for 3 weeks. He actually had the nerve to tell me that I felt "looser" when we had sex when he met up with the family again. Asshat.
*Gave me HPV and announced I had it in a "hilarious" greeting card. I'll never forget it. It said "No matter the "bumps" in the road, we still have each other."
[This message edited by AgainandAgain at 7:46 PM, November 13th (Tuesday)]
xOM was her boss. Who regularly picked her up to "carpool", came to my son's birthday party, came to WSO's brother's wake, and came over for more than a few bbqs.
One night, she said she was going over to some girl's house; someone I had never heard of before. Turns out she was really going to ONS#4. Gave her a smooch and $20 for gas. "Have fun baby, don't stay out too late"
Went a few hours out of town for a training. "Went to bed early" was her excuse when I couldn't reach her by phone, but she was really having a 3some ONS(#1) with a couple of co workers.
Saw a text about how pissed off she was that I took her out on her birthday because I messed up plans for round 3 with ONS#5
Stayed out especially late at "her mom's" house on the 2 month anniversary of her brother's death for support.... NOPE, ONS#4
After D-Day, we were discussing everything and she had "laid out rules": No one messes with our home life, condoms always, and no swallowing. Except all 3 of those turned out to be untrue... She never used protection; even with the randoms.
(Thankfully, I'm clean in spite of 6+ other partners in a 2 year span)
One day I had her over, my XWH acted pissed and went into his shop. I was busy with kids, I realized she was out there talking to him for awhile. now I know what they did in there while I was in the house.
He would get money back from stores he shopped at so he could have cash to pay them.
He left for work early once when he had an outage at work to be with a whore.
He cheated with them in months like our anniversary,and holiday months like November.
He bought pimp hats for our kids on Halloween during the time he was seeing hookers.( this just came to me the other day)
There are probably a lot more but these stand out the most right now~ how low can they go?
Something odd I did during the time he was seeing hookers and I had no idea was I hadn't read the book, "The Happy Hooker" since I was 14 and last summer, while he was seeing whores and I didn't know, I bought it for my Kindle and read it! I must have been reading his mind to some extent, which makes me so very sad.
[This message edited by Sal1995 at 6:47 PM, May 25th (Saturday)]