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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread - Part 11
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, January 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In fact, my exposure to NPD taught me to apologize for things I didn't even think, do, or say- just to keep, you know...the peace. Oh hell to that yes.

Just me, but am I going to be reading a book on how to apologize?
Oh hell to that no.

Nod nod nod. Uh huh. Yep.

I am highly skilled at apologizing for making STBX mad and verbalizing "Yes Dear, you're totally right" while inwardly I'm screaming, "Oh HELL no, you bastard! Fuckyoufuckyoufuckyou!!!!!"

With a smile, I might add.

I'm very good.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8792 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, January 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am highly skilled at apologizing for making STBX mad and verbalizing "Yes Dear, you're totally right" while inwardly I'm screaming, "Oh HELL no, you bastard! Fuckyoufuckyoufuckyou!!!!!"

With a smile, I might add.

THIS is what I used to do... only my kids had a song called something like 'duckies duckies duckies'.

I changed the wording to 'fuckies fuckies fuckies'...

I forgot about that...


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4050 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
CharlieFoxtrot
♀ Member
Member # 38010
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, January 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In fact, my exposure to NPD taught me to apologize for things I didn't even think, do, or say- just to keep, you know...the peace. Oh hell to that yes.

yes, yes, yes. me too. I was incessantly feeding the ego. I remember apologizing for being better at diving off the diving board than STBX. Sorry dude, 6 years of competitive gymnastics, what can I say?? It literally came down to everything. Although, we only had one tube of caulk... maybe that was because I was Mrs. Fix-it.

Even when he realized he was wrong, he would turn it on me to somehow make it my fault. GLAD.TO.BE.FREE FUnny thing, in my new house, things are organized. I can find anything I want to. My head is clear. My things are where I left them.

I have a concern though... STBX is in inpatient psychotherapy (mandated by his job) for the next 5 weeks (they extended him 2 weeks after 3 sessions... not sure how to feel~ ) Anyway, he spoke to the children today and they said his therapist is sending his number to them if they want to talk to him. It is still up in the air, and if they don't want to, they don't have to. I guess I just don't know what to make of it all, I'm kind of torn. Thanks for any input!


Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

Posts: 505 | Registered: Jan 2013
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, January 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Charlie, I would leave it up to the children if they want to talk with him. After all, its important to let them have access to their father, even though we don't want to deal with them!

Good luck with that!


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
CharlieFoxtrot
♀ Member
Member # 38010
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, January 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

torntobits~~ Thanks! I think re-reading my post, I may have written it wrong.

STBX can call them anytime he is allowed and they talk to him whenever he calls. I still have a fairly flexible schedule and have never denied him any parental rights whatsoever. We have pretty standard visitation as far as when he gets back home and S/D continues as "normal." It is the STBX's new therapist that wants to talk to the children...??? (They have their own IC) My gut instinct is that I think right now his (the therapist's) focus should be on his patient (STBX), as he's only been there a few days, although I am not against it per se, just don't quite know what to make of it yet. My opinion is fairly jaded, I'm sure, so I'm taking my time making this call, I was just wondering if anyone had a similar situation or input, or if I am flying solo on unchartered territory.


Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

Posts: 505 | Registered: Jan 2013
lost2012
♀ Member
Member # 35325
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, January 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wondering if anyone out there can send me a link or some info about narcissism as I think that is what I'm dealing with. Saying "If in my head it's not an affair, it's not an affair" is narcissistic, isn't it? I mean there's no consideration for my thoughts or feelings in that statement. a week after the D was final he called me to tell me that they are "starting to date". Isn't that nice of him? Now why does he need to do that? Meanwhile he is ignoring my kids when they are with him. He spends all his time with her and she is at his house or he is at hers. He is so into this woman, he has no friends. Most people in my neighborhood wont speak with him as they saw him with her alot.


Dday- March 1, 2012
M 17 years
EA? 4 years
2 boys ages 10 and 12
Divorced- 12/17/2012

Posts: 66 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Illinois
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, January 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost, this website has been quite informative for me: http://outofthefog.net/


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8792 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, January 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2011/12/20/a-vain-fantasy-his-one-true-love-the-exception-that-confirms-the-rule/

http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/articles/narcissist-behaviours.htm

http://www.narcissismfree.com/


Posts: 2079 | Registered: Mar 2011
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, January 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost,

I sent you a PM with information.

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4050 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, January 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Charlie,

How old are the kids?


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4050 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
lost2012
♀ Member
Member # 35325
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, January 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have 13 and 11 year old boys.


Dday- March 1, 2012
M 17 years
EA? 4 years
2 boys ages 10 and 12
Divorced- 12/17/2012

Posts: 66 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Illinois
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, January 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In fact, my exposure to NPD taught me to apologize for things I didn't even think, do, or say- just to keep, you know...the peace. Oh hell to that yes.

OMG! That's all I do!! I never know when he will get mad at something, it could be something that didn't bother him before and all of a sudden he's mad. Then the "silent treatment".

I have a question for those who D or are going through the process. I have been "lurking" here for a while and I see how bad these NPD's act throught the D. Is it easier to try to live with them, or go through that hell? My WH goes overseas for 2 months and spends 1 month with us. Pays all the bills. So sometimes I wonder if that is "wiser" than prodding the beast with a D? I know how angry and vengeful he could be and anticipate a very hard time and possibly losing the house....

[This message edited by honesttoafault at 9:26 AM, January 12th (Saturday)]


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
CharlieFoxtrot
♀ Member
Member # 38010
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, January 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kajem, I have 4 children:
21 yo son
19 yo son
12 yo daughter
7 yo son

The 21 yo wants nothing much to do with his dad, but was the one that took most of the NPD bs that didn't come on me. He is on his own and is angry, but not going to therapy atm. The 19 yo is somewhat interested in talking to the therapist, he lives at home with me and goes to college here in town, he is talking to a counselor at church. My 12 yo daughter is comfortable with STBX at arms length, but gets annoyed when she feels like she *has* to talk about him. She is talking to an IC. The 7 yo is adjusting really well and when he opens up to his IC it is mainly that he feels safe at home and mom and dad decided to just be friends (his words, his resolution of the D, not mine)


Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

Posts: 505 | Registered: Jan 2013
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, January 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest,

I can't make the decision for you, you will weigh your pros and cons about going and leaving. And only you know your NPD.

I didn't have a choice, my X, once I discovered his alter personality, wanted out. Once he was out and I wasn't playing his game anymore, I needed to be controlled. Once I started to open up about my life with him, his affair(s) - well I needed to be destroyed emotionally financially and any way but physically. Although you can bet if a bus hit me, and he (or she) were the first to respond.. he would wait for someone else to come along.

I knew my NPD would do what he could to hurt me. I didn't understand that he would go thru lots of lengths to destroy me. By the Grace of God and a little luck.. I survived his onslaughts.

It still pisses them off.

Just know that as bad as you think it will be.... it will be worse than what you imagine. Somehow they all find a way to go lower than we think they will.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4050 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, January 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Although you can bet if a bus hit me, and he (or she) were the first to respond.. he would wait for someone else to come along

YES! May I share one of the calloused ways my STBX treated me?

One time me & the kids got a stomach bug (STBX didn't). So, you know how that goes, everything out both ends, dehydration, laundry, weakness. At one point the kids were finally on the mend, but I was still at the worst of it. I'd managed to get the kids to the table & put something in front of them to nibble on, get something rustled up for STBX to eat for dinner, and then I collapsed on the kitchen floor. STBX heard the thud & the kids calling for me. He comes in & demands to know what's going on. When I couldn't answer he got even angrier & started yelling at me, demanding to know what was wrong with me, why wasn't I answering him, why wasn't I attending to the kids. While still lying on the floor I was able to reply, "I'M SICK! I NEED SOME WATER, PLEASE BRING ME SOME WATER!" At that point he made a comment about how useless I was. And then he did something that blew my mind. It still does. Instead of getting me a cup of water, know what he did?

He stepped over my body & walked into the dining room to quiet the kids. When he was done, he passed through the kitchen on his way upstairs and stepped over my body again. He did not give me anything to drink.

Thankfully one of my kids came decided to check on me and give me something to drink when I asked. There is nothing to describe the feeling of having a pre-school aged child caring for Mommy, giving Mommy a drink from her sippy cup.

This is but ONE example of how horrible STBX treated me. I have more examples which are even worse. When people talk about NPD's not having souls or not being fully human, it's easy for me to believe it!

[This message edited by Nature_Girl at 1:23 PM, January 12th (Saturday)]


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8792 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
CharlieFoxtrot
♀ Member
Member # 38010
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, January 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nature_Girl, there really are no words. I am so sorry you had to endure that, among other things. I can relate to the pain inside when someone who is supposed to love and protect you literally steps over you, insults and dismisses you, and leaves you alone to suffer.

This is but ONE example of how horrible STBX treated me. I have more examples which are even worse. When people talk about NPD's not having souls or not being fully human, it's easy for me to believe it!

^^There is a certain look my STBX would get in his eyes, quite literally soulless and crazy. I can still see it sometimes in my memories.

(((Nature_Girl))) I am so happy you are free of that soul sucker. You are an inspiration


Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

Posts: 505 | Registered: Jan 2013
MyReturn2Me
♀ Member
Member # 34352
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, January 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((NG)) Your story just hurt my heart. I feel grateful that you're getting away from THAT!

It certainly triggers memories for me too.

I want to also thank you NG and WDM for the links to the great resources. I have checked out all of them and they sure are benefits to my recovery treasure chest.

FYI: My 2 boys are 13 & 16.


Me: BS 51 and Freaking AWESOME!
Him: Who the fuck cares........

Posts: 259 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Puget Sound
CharlieFoxtrot
♀ Member
Member # 38010
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, January 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Equine Therapy. STBX is becoming the mother f*cking horse whisperer. AYFKM??!?!

His "inpatient therapy" at an "undisclosed hospital" is horse therapy/training at a ranch. Holy hell. And he wants to disrupt these kids to involve them with a therapist that thinks she is dealing with PTSD (yes, she.). Don't get me wrong, I am a female medical professional, and I am unbiased about that part, but a self proclaimed SA who is NPD has no business with a female therapist, IMO. My gut feeling is that this is a mask he put on for a show... another way to play the victim and gain some type of perception of doing everything right without facing the true core of his problems. He is claiming to have PTSD at his work (military), and is well versed and knowledgable about it (medical provider). I am not saying that soe of the things he has been through and seen haven't caused some stress and trauma, however he is using it for selfish gain. He knows everything right to say and every right response that he is supposed to give and receive. Through the trained eye of living with him for so long, I gauge his purposeful calculated reactions and my gut instinct has always been pretty spot on. I just wanted to know more in depth what this was about so that I could give the benefit of the doubt to whatever treatment. And he wants to get my children involved?? In his false therapy??? It would be a major upheaval when they are finally in a very settled place. Hell to that no. I am calling his therapist this week because a) I have the right to verify and validify any potential therapy personnel just as I would a doctor; and b) I have the right to refuse the offer of phone consult therapy for a child.

This is so stupid. Mr. Ed just wants to be the center of the universe and disrupt any stability we have.

FUCK.THAT.GUY.


Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

Posts: 505 | Registered: Jan 2013
MyReturn2Me
♀ Member
Member # 34352
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, January 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would like a translation and opinions on this email received from NPD last night, with my potential responses.

I did repond to this initial e-mail:

him - I am becoming unhopeful of ever winning you back.
I need some encouragement, please. My world is so empty without you.

me - What I read into what is going on is that you think that I should just 'be over it' by now.

I've put a LOT of work into my recovery. What about you?

him -
I am not sure about your meanings, your words.
I am sure that I am not the same person I was before.
I am struggling to understand what I am feeling and put it into words.
I never want to go through something like this again.
I feel you needed me to be honest and strong and i failed horribly.
I am afraid that I am not worthy of you and I also realize I cannot go through life with my tail between my legs.
Thats not me. I am a good man. I can behave like the man I want to be.
I have love to give and deserve to be loved.
I want you.
I had you and wasted some of my time that I had with you.
The time I did have with you was beautiful and I will always remember it that way.
I will not waste my life waiting for you to reciprocate. It would not be healthy.

*note* I have not sent this, yet but these were my thoughts and potential responses....

"I am not sure about your meanings, your words."

I know you mean well and the intent in your words is there but they're just words. I asked what you've DONE to make yourself a good man, an honest man, a man that walks with integrity?

"Then i feel how much hurt and ager I have caused you and I am ashamed and do not want to deal with it."

Until you deal with it you are probably going to feel sucky.

"I am sure that I am not the same person I was before. "

What makes you sure? What work have you done to ensure that? Recovery takes years of intense, due dilligence and daily maintenance. What recovery programs are you actively participating in?

"I am struggling to understand what I am feeling and put it into words."

I get it. I've been in your position and I completely understand. It took me a lot of work to understand what I was feeling too. Therapy helps a lot.

"I never want to go through something like this again."

You and me both, buddy. And remember that you told me that the fallout from your actions was something that you were willing to deal with. What changed your mind?

"I feel you needed me to be honest and strong and i failed horribly."

This is correct.

"I am afraid that I am not worthy of you and I also realize I cannot go through life with my tail between my legs. "

This is part of the WORK of recovery. Right now this is a statement of you telling me who you are and that I should listen loud and clearly and believe you.

"Thats not me. I am a good man. I can behave like the man I want to be."

Actions speak louder than words.

"I have love to give and deserve to be loved."

This is true. Love is a reciprocal thing. The more you give, the more you get back! One more thing about love....it's not measured in penis length or how great you can eat pu**y. It comes from the heart organ. That's where the giving should come from.

"I want you."

What do you mean?

"I had you and wasted some of my time that I had with you."

(I've noticed the use of the possessive in these last two statments.)

Every minute spent in deception was a minute wasted, not only your time but mine and the kids. They didn't get authenticity or integrity, either.

"The time I did have with you was beautiful and I will always remember it that way."

okay

"I will not waste my life waiting for you to reciprocate. It would not be healthy."

Maybe you could explain so that I don't misunderstand. It seems selfish, like a "you should be over it by now" statement. What about spending your life becoming a better man, a better father, a better citizen?


Any comments??


Me: BS 51 and Freaking AWESOME!
Him: Who the fuck cares........

Posts: 259 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Puget Sound
Edie
♀ Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, January 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Myreturn2me,

Your reply seems very focused on him and engaged with his stuff. You are ' returning to you' and presumably have already spent a lifetime focusing on his stuff to the exclusion and detriment of your own, and don't need to spend such time in engagement or in such detailed response.

IMO


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 4960 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
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