It's unbelievable how an NPD acts (or doesn't act) during your time of need. If it's not all about them......well......it's not all about them.
They are unbelievably cold, cruel, and USELESS during YOUR crisis.
I remember going through similar times with my XNPDH. My grandfather was in a rest home and was dying a slow death. :( It was such a difficult time for our whole family. Do you think Dumbass was there to support me? No (shock!!) If this wasn't bad enough, I was also facing the dreaded task of putting my 16 year old beloved doggie to sleep. Do you think he was there for that? Nope. Then to top it all off, my best friend was killed in a horrible automobile accident. Again, not much from Dumbass.
While I was gone he took that opportunity - NPD alert! - to "organize" the kitchen pantry for me.
Wow. I don't remember the timing of when he did this, but Dumbass did the same "favor" for me. And like you, I was absolutely FURIOUS.
[This message edited by sadtoo at 5:13 AM, January 19th (Saturday)]
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
OC born 2001 (I didn't know)
Remarried 2008 (Happy!)
I am so glad you can come here and get that off your chest and out of your mind! You are a strong and wise woman, and I am sure your daddy would be very proud of you walking away from that asshat of a fuckwad man. Pour a glass of wine anytime you want, your cyber-friend Charlie will toast your freedom anyday
I know you'll all be absolutely stunned by my first bit of news. The trial was continued again. Now it's on for the 7th of Feb. The reasons given were his public defender had been ill and could not hear, and could not possibly go to trial because she wasn't ready: she hadn't interviewed us. So we had to go to the prosecutor's office and sit through an asinine questioning by this woman who is so unprofessional you wouldn't believe it. I am actually glad my STBXN is stuck with her. Some examples of her "interview"....
To my DIL:
How do you know SoHurt? (She's my MIL... )
How do you know her youngest son? (He's my BIL... )
To my oldest son:
How do you know SoHurt? ( )
How do you know her youngest son? ( )
Aren't you in the middle of a bitter divorce? (Well, it's a divorce. )
Aren't you in the middle of a custody battle? (No, I have custody. And my son wants me to have custody. )
Why are you scared of STBX? (Prosecutor wouldn't let me answer this, but said later if she asks while I'm on the stand, to start talking and don't stop unless the judge tells me to. )
Are you and *the man he accused me of leaving him for, who was present that day* boyfriend and girlfriend? ( No. Was so tempted to ask if we are in high school right now. And doesn't that put the lie to STBX saying he never said that?)
I'd have to say her hearing seemed to be excellent, btw.
There were so many unbelievably stupid questions asked that day. The prosecutor says she's very unlikeable, disagreeable, and is not having her contract renewed. Although, I have to admit that the thought of her "defending" criminals makes me wish she would continue.
Anyway, it was interesting to meet her ahead of time, and to learn that I'll be allowed to speak at sentencing about everything he's done is a wonderful feeling. Believe me, I'm already writing that novel. I'm not so scared of testifying now. She is going to go down in flames right alongside STBX.
Charlie, I love your tagline. I'm and in agreement.
Wont, I loved this:
The effects of his disease are like gas when you ate that food when you shouldn't have. He is nothing more.
Kajem, this is a great visual for me:
Think of us standing behind you in the gallery-giving your X the evil eye.
MR2M, you NAILED it:
Arrogant is an understatement
jj, you always say the coolest things, and I want to put this on a beautiful sheet of paper and frame it on my wall. I love it so much I think I'll post it again:
a needle in my iris
still I'll pull it out
red blood on wiggled fingertips
I pulled it out.
Scar forms wherever healing lies
I pulled it out.
In some scarring screaming
hears GLAD you pulled it out.
Our hearts are better.
Our hearts are better.
YOU'RE A FREAK!!!!!!!!!
I'm so sorry to hear about your dad and everything you are dealing with. My heart and prayers are with you.
angerisme, this is my STBX's favorite tactic!:
This Tribe is the best, and I am so glad I am here. I'd never have gotten this far without you all. I feel so much stronger and wiser, more like the old me, than I have in forever! And it looks like my youngest and I have an apartment to move into on the 28th! We are both so excited and so ready to move on. This is going to be another step towards complete freedom!
Thank you all. SO much!
[This message edited by SoHurt at 2:25 PM, January 19th (Saturday)]
I totally want rights to the title... since "Vampire Diaries" was taken, as was the "Neverending Story" and "Vagina Monologues" I am stumped. How about
Anyone want to play along? I could really use a laugh!!
But as you write about it all so well, so we can enjoy it second hand from you.
Huge, my lovely - the finish line is in sight, pace yourself for this last stretch.
Edie... I wish you could be with me, too. But I'll settle for having you behind me in spirit, cheering me on. I am feeling so positive, I can't tell you! It will be nice to have all this behind me, and finally start living for myself and my son, rather than the next court date. It just gets old.
Love my (((((Tribe!)))))
Anyhow, I found out that two people that he is involved with were friends of mine, yada yada yada and he has to go NC with over.20.people. AYFKM? He also admitted to spying on me.
I told him that he is not to tell me his personal stories anymore, NC except business and kids. I kept it civil and calm, even when he was telling me how angry I am (I wasn't) and that he doesn't want me to be afraid of him (yes, he does. That is why he threatened my life). I answered, "I'm not afraid to see you, I just don't want to see you. Ever." He didn't like that... Anyway, I cut the call off with, business and kids is all we need to discuss and felt good about it all. I had a minor episode of colorful language, and then I blocked his whores from my facebook with this message:
"I hope you never understand the deep level of betrayal that comes with your husband encouraging you to be friends with one of his girlfriends. I'll never understand what it takes to sit on top of a married man and try to call him your own, so I'm calling a spade a spade, and a whore a whore. Do not ever contact me or my children again."
Thanks, tribe, just needed to vent a little. To quote my favorite line of Tombstone... "Forgive me if I don't shake hands"
DO Not keep calm and carry on...
Put on your big girl panties & your sexiest boots and kick some ass.
Put on your big girl panties & your sexiest boots and kick some ass.
I love it and thought I would share with the Tribe.
Btw, it was in a group message... kind of outing them to each other in my own way.
Good, I wonder if he will call and confess to them....
I would love to be a fly on that wall....
However, during the time of his first A (says it was an EA, but I don't know), which lasted for over a year, he was absolutely horrible to me. The problem is that I can say that, and remember it was true, but it was 7 to 8 years ago, so it's hard for me to remember details, other than that he said nasty things and acted like I didn't deserve any help with the baby, and....I don't know. It doesn't sound bad, but he was AWFUL to me. He was so awful to me that I was afraid he would kill me and make it look like a suicide. However, I told myself I was crazy, because it's quite a leap from "my husband isn't loving towards me" to "my husband is a dangerous and who might kill me". And he was right on the "you're so crazy" bandwagon, because I *knew* he was having an A, so any time I asked questions, he gaslighted and told me I had issues and was crazy. That made it easy to believe that yeah, I must be really crazy to think he might hurt me. I'm still not sure about that.
What say you folks?
I say welcome to the tribe :) I've followed several posts of yours and am very glad to see you here. My STBX is very successful at work, has a Master's Degree and until last year was well respected bc of the mask he could put on. The first 9 years of our marriage, he never laid a hand on me and was more passive-aggressive I would say. I felt like *I* was the crazy one, I thought *I* had the problems because he really could make himself look that good. You don't have to have outward bruises to have suffered at the hands of a narcissist. I, unfortunately, stayed around too long out of moral obligation to my marriage and believing in the return of the man I fell in love with.
Your STBX seems very emotionally distant, controlling, and unrealistic, to say the least. Welcome to the tribe, with each other we will all get through
Also, I'm really, really, REALLY angry that some of my friends (should probably be in quotation marks, at this point) are seemingly trying to shame me into silence about his behavior. Most things he does I don't slap all over Facebook, but if a friend asks me how I'm doing, I tell them. Some of these friends responses when they bother to ask, and I tell what stupid shit he's up to lately.... I can just feel the deer in headlights look on their faces over the internet, and they say things like, "Yeah.... Aloha then! Take care." As if I was out of line telling them. Why the hell did they ask then? And why am I not allowed to talk about it? This isn't "drama"; this is my freakin life, and I'm sorry it makes people uncomfortable, but how the hell do they think it makes ME feel, and why should *I* be ashamed of how *he* acts? Ugh! That sort of behavior is, in my opinion, a big contributing factor to asshole like ours getting away with so much. No one even wants to hear about it, much less put them in their place.
What's up with that?????
My husband, too, encouraged me to be friends with his girlfriend. This is the hardest part of all.
But, today, I finally turned a corner. When I started thinking about it,, I thought, he's sick! And it finally got thru to my brain. He's sick and this is what sick people do...
[This message edited by Coraline at 9:27 PM, January 21st (Monday)]
The character trait for NPD is lack of empathy ... they have NO empathy for anyone/anything.
My X doesn't care about if his kids are hurt as long as I am hurt everyone else is collateral damage. And they do not matter one bit to him. So long as he wins...everything is good.
Hope this helps.
And Coraline, I haven't read all your posts... but a lot of them. Your H is NPD... Welcome to the tribe.