It takes something major for them to drop the mask and for us to REALLY see the monster they truly are. I had red flags before the marriage that I thought I put an end to but he just stopped them for a few years. I thought I stopped the whole "punishment" crap before we got married but nope, he kept it under wraps for a few years. My xnp was a sweet loving caring guy who took care of me when I was ill, who loved our granddaughter and would do anything for her. Of course that was until the mask dropped and then I was faking my illnesses, I was lazy, didn't want to work and "at least if I had cancer he would know what to do", and he started screwing around with the coke ho neighbor in front of me and our granddaughter. Once the mask dropped and I discovered the real him and his "sickness", he wanted nothing to do with me. I was either gonna let him do what he wanted or I had to leave.
The thing is, once we see the monster we stop being supply for them. You can't put the mask back on the monster and we are either to accept the new monster or we decide the marriage is done. They can NOT allow you to see the monster because then you can't stand them. If you are so beaten down or programmed that you see the monster and still try to make the marriage work, they will let you stay but they will treat you like crap and continue to cheat.
I think that the cheating is so horrific to us that once we discover this we see that the wondeful person they pretended to be is fake and they never really loved us. We were nothing more than "image" to them. They need us for the qualities they lack and they suck us dry until we are so lost in who we are that we are zombies. I realized a few months before I discovered the cheating that I no longer even knew who I was and I told xnpd that. He didn't care.
Once I saw the monster and saw how little he cared about me and my illness I was done. I lived 4 years with his drunken rages and it was no big deal but the final was is what showed me the full extent of the monster inside him. He threatened my life with his fist and I saw the hate in his eyes and his lack of soul in his eyes. I knew it was time to leave or be beaten. I left but it was still hard not to hope he would change for us. I wanted my marriage to work but he "wasn't good enough for me", "I deserved better", yada yada bull crap. He had moved on to a fugly coke ho neighbor who his mom had thought was a homeless drunk in the neighbor hood. Talk about affairing down!!
If you love an npd, you are in love alone. They can't feel love, give love, or understand love, it is foreign to them. They are souless sucking pits of need wrapped up in a pretty package. They will be the life of the party, the best neighbor in town and Mr/Mrs. Wonderful to everyone but you. No one will believe that they could ever cheat, lie or harm anyone. You know the truth even if you haven't wanted to admit it. Loving an npd is so painful once the mask is ripped off but for your own health you must walk away. You can never be happy with an NPD once you know what they are capable of and will do. You HAVE to love yourself enough to run as fast as you can and get out of their sight. Protect yourself and your children from them. No Contact with an NPD is the best bet for a sane life.
I am two years out from leaving my xnpd and I can laugh again. I have goals again, I have hope for a better life and I have PEACE again.
I am a victim of Narcissistic abuse and can see this clearly. I can even go back and figure out when I first saw glimpses of the monster behind the mask.
I am still in that addiction to the NPD I think because no matter what I read or what I'm told it's like I don't want to do it or listen to it Agh
I do know what type of person I am with. I guess that's a start.
You will find the strength and the right time to leave. Just keep reading here and read all the books you can on Narcissistic personality disorder. It will eventually make sense to walk away but you heart and head may take years to match up. I had to leave Texas to stop being afraid of him coming after me. It was a few more months before I stopped wanting my old life back. Time really does make it easier.
In 2009, I left STBXNPD and filed for D. He love bombed me for months and convinced me to stay, work on the marriage, and *trust* him again. Once he knew I was all in again, once he thought I couldn't stand up and walk out, the mask began to come off again, only this time it was fully and completely evil. 3 years of absolute hell later, with the cyclic emotional and then physical abuse, then threatening my life... hands around my throat and pure evil in his eyes, he made me verbalize back to him my understanding that he would kill me, and how... finally, I had enough. I truly believe that anyone who successfully walks away from an NPD is a walking miracle. The promises are empty, the *love* is disingenuous, and the threat to you is all encompassing.
Most NPDs are not diagnosed because they do not seek treatment, they do not want to be *cured*. Others work the system, seeking treatment to victimize themselves and turn tables. NPDs can fool even the most highly respected psychiatrist, mainly because of the ability to redirect and believe their own stink. Educate yourself, be honest with yourself, and be your own champion. You are worth it.
then threatening my life... hands around my throat and pure evil in his eyes, he made me verbalize back to him my understanding that he would kill me, and how...
I am so sorry you went through that. It's so scary!
NPDs can fool even the most highly respected psychiatrist, mainly because of the ability to redirect and believe their own stink.
I saw this and continue to see this and it makes things incredibly difficult. One thing I can suggest is to document every little thing you can. Keep a journal where you date the things that are done and said. Another thing to do is to seek out your local domestic violence agency. Some areas have support groups for those who are "only" victims of emotional abuse.
I truly believe that anyone who successfully walks away from an NPD is a walking miracle. The promises are empty, the *love* is disingenuous, and the threat to you is all encompassing.
Most women don't get a chance to leave a second time... not on their own power anyway. Most leave by ambulance or worse in the Medical Examiners van.
You were lucky... very lucky to get out from under his control. Don't minimalize it... especially to yourself.
My therapist tells me that I think half the stuff he did was normal for a nutjob..... but it still wasn't normal. Somehow in my mind it's no big deal.... but it should be.
I had undercover police at the drop off site every time I dropped off or picked up kids from them. I act like every single mom with a contentious divorce does this. THEY DON'T only the ones that have someone sowing the seed of threat so they can shoot to kill because they 'felt' threatened.
Without the police, I feel very strongly I would have been like Trayvon Martin. He died in my state... and the fill was heading toward law when NW made the comment to my kid (who found the gun in the car glove box) that I had threatened her... she needed it for protection from me
Make me sick to think about it... when I told a friend, she was just promoted to work with the new sheriff...so she bent his ear..he bent the ear of the sheriff in the county where we exchanged... and I had another set of eyes at dropoff.
But THAT IS NOT NORMAL.... but I explain it like it is no big deal....and for the most part it wasn't. THAT is the screwed up part.
[This message edited by Kajem at 9:04 AM, February 5th (Tuesday)]
My little monster was never physically aggressive, but he was very verbally aggressive, always being a bully and threatening,financial control freak, of course everything was his
We go to court next week, he has done everything he can to drag things out, aside from death, hospitalization, or jail there is nothing he can do to stop the proceedings next week,it's been almost 4 years, he owes tens of thousands in back spousal support, and thousands in back child support, he has manipulated and controlled everything, and he still thinks that he can bully me
His latest threat is that if I don't have the kids living with me that he won't pay my spousal support, kids son 23 getting married in 10 months,no child support for him, daughter will be graduating college in a few months,then her child support stops, the funny part is that as soon as child support stops for the daughter, my spousal support actually goes up to a higher amount then the child and spousal support together, he's not smart enough to read the law, yet he'll quote his own laws, he's hoping that the judge is going to agree with him,
His crazy NPD little monster is going to be priceless in court, thank god he is thousands of miles away, and it will be by video, I don't need to see him, I'll be able to tell by the tone of his voice I can't wait to hear the judge reprimand him, even though I know it won't mean anything to him, but it will be satisfaction for me
bring on that
garinshee on his pay cheque, I love this idea of getting paid before he does
It's time to pay the piper
O the poor widdle banshee!
svb Right on right on.
What a great post.
once we see the monster we stop being supply for them.
cuz the sparkly just goes away.
Why is "Go Away Little Girl" in my head right now?
"DD4 graduates before the end of May. CS is until the end of May."
Me thinks the man wants a refund on the 3 days she is not eligible for CS.
In 2011 DD3 graduated 6 days after the end of her CS.
Let him put that in his pipe and smoke it.
Sheesh...what does he want a refund?
THAT IS NOT NORMAL.... but I explain it like it is no big deal....and for the most part it wasn't. THAT is the screwed up part.
^^Thank you, that is exactly what I've noticed about me... Inappropriate minimalizing... "He never punched me with his fist"...
I have 3 policemen in my neighborhood, 2 big dogs, and am learning how to handle a weapon in the event of emergency. When I left, I cut my hair off, changed the color, wore dull clothing...thought that was no big deal... a friend of mine jokingly said I looked like I was joining "witness protection," I guess I kind of was...
Some areas have support groups for those who are "only" victims of emotional abuse.
While I was gone he took that opportunity - NPD alert! - to "organize" the kitchen pantry for me. Mind you, he was not the family cook, he had NO idea how to properly organize a pantry. I had it all arranged with canned goods on one shelf, separated out by type. Spices & small specialty items on another shelf, again sorted by usage & type. Dry goods such as flour, pastas, corn meal, and so forth on another shelf, and so on. A well organized pantry. STBX took it upon himself to shove EVERYTHING tightly together on as few shelves as possible. Packed with no spaces, all items mixed together in no order or thought process, all types of items distributed on all shelves & racks, front to back, crammed in together. It was a masterpiece of insanity & cruelty. We had a raging fight when I came home from burying Dad, went to the kitchen to fix myself a snack, and saw that my beautiful pantry had been obliterated. He wanted me - NPD alert! - to praise him for fixing the pantry. He wanted me to thank him & appreciate the hard work he expended on my behalf helping me that way. And when I didn't? When instead I burst into sobs & screamed, "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE???", a fight ensued. How dare I not appreciate him? After all he'd done? After all the understanding he'd extended toward me by staying home with the children? And by the way, I needed to notice that he'd done laundry while I was gone, and vacuumed, and dusted, and cleaned the toilets, and really he could NOT understand why I didn't get more accomplished around the house on a day-to-day basis. He was able to do everything with no trouble. He couldn't understand what my problem was, but at least now he knew I'd not have any problems in the kitchen because he'd organized the damn pantry for me. But clearly I didn't appreciate him.
Oh my! Nearly word for word what happened to me once!!! Except that I wasn't available due to childbirth instead of a parent's funeral. My sister and I had completely organized the pantry and I came downstairs to find all the food on the table and not in the pantry because he was making it organized since I clearly couldn't organize anything. He couldn't understand why I was upset after he had done all that work....
That didn't happen.... we're divorced as a result.
Are pantries the same as half-used caulk guns???
I was thinking the same thing!
I was thinking the same thing!
Sheesh... they are so strange.
While I was gone he took that opportunity - NPD alert! - to "organize" the kitchen pantry for me. Mind you, he was not the family cook, he had NO idea how to properly organize a pantry. I had it all arranged with canned goods on one shelf, separated out by type. Spices & small specialty items on another shelf, again sorted by usage & type. Dry goods such as flour, pastas, corn meal, and so forth on another shelf, and so on. A well organized pantry. STBX took it upon himself to shove EVERYTHING tightly together on as few shelves as possible.
My MIL, the ultimate NPD, did this to me when I moved to a new home. She did it while I was at work. Can you even imagine doing this to your daughter-in-law? Not one kitchen cabinet remained untouched.
I should have realized then that I was IN FOR IT with STBX. Wow.
Just got done with the trial setting conference, which was only interesting for a couple reasons. First, he'd told the CS judge that he was "houseless" because they'd garnished him for back due CS. Well, that was a lie. He gave the same address he had all along. I know. I was shocked by the lie, too. Second, it was very interesting to run into him outside the courthouse and get the very evil eye from his newly beloved sister. You know, the one he couldn't stand until he "needed" her badly enough to "forget" how much he hates her. Yep, another shock, on both counts. She is so intimidating, in her opinion. So my divorce trial is set for May 21 & 22. Too far out to suit me, but oh well. At least we're finally to the point of an actual date. He thinks he may have witnesses to call. Oh, and I filed a motion to modify the PO to include my son, who now really doesn't want anything to do with STBXN. That court date is the 22nd.
My youngest and I are finally moved into our very own apartment! We are very, very happy here, and luckily the neighbors on each side are a little hard of hearing, and the walls are not thin. His booming voice and the dogs don't bother anyone, and that is a good thing. We got the place on my birthday, so it was a perfect gift. We are learning where to put things, and I've had two nasty fibro flares from working too hard to get things done... but we have a home, and STBXN doesn't know where. In this town, unfortunately, it won't take long to figure it out, but at least we are secure here, with new doors and locks just installed last week. The place has undergone a complete renovation, so "nobody" ever lived here before, is how we look at it.
He's still doing great in school, and is making good friends. He couldn't be happier than he is now, and for that I'm so grateful. We have a peaceful, easy life. Finally.
Love you guys!
Then let things go and see if he takes action from here. He might, but when you are not tugging on the other end of the rope, it is possible he may lose interest quickly.
[This message edited by luv2swim at 5:04 AM, February 13th (Wednesday)]