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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread - Part 11
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, March 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry you feel that way.

This was my favorite go-to one liner. In my mind, it meant the above plus "and I don't agree with your bullshit."

One time I used "I'm sorry you feel that way" and he thought it was supposed to be an apology! I just laughed and laughed (alone, not in front of him).

It really helps to have something to say ready to deliver. It takes you out of the conversation, which is great.


Posts: 1060 | Registered: Aug 2010
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, March 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my story...

I started to post this on D/S thread "When did you know?" and realized I sound nuts...

so I decided to share here instead. Where we know what it's like to sound nuts because of NPD.

So here is my post...
Its difficult for me to pin point when I finally knew I had to D.
I guess it's when I started to feel unsafe in M

My mind tried to dismiss these thoughts and feeling, and maintain the status quo but my gut or instinct (whatever you call it) wouldn't let me.
I kept hearing this inner voice say
"run. run now. go. go now" I ignored it for several months... but it wouldn't quit. So I assumed it was because I was picking up on new As. I already new about previous As but thought that was over and done with... so maybe I was picking up on the fact that it never stopped... there was a string of As over our entire M.

But if I'm totally honest, that wasn't why I filed. Even though it is what everyone assumes (they had their suspicious too and figured I finally gotten a clue). But it wasn't just infidelity. Sure, that broke my heart... but there was something darker. It was feeling that someone you loved and trusted was sabotaging you and trying to hurt you.

It made my blood run cold.

The last few weeks of our marriage I figured out that my ex had been setting traps for me around the house.
I remember reaching for something when cleaning and retracting my hand thinking "it's a trap". I looked closely and sure enough... he created a "trap" that, when picked up, would trigger something else to break. This would then allow him to blame me for being clumsy. and I'd have to clean up the mess.

He had been doing this for a couple of years.(stupid me for not seeing the pattern earlier). I just thought I was clumsy if I broke something, or forgetful if I lost something, or made a mistake if an ingredient I specifically bought that day disappeared when I needed it (so now I "messed up dinner")

It turned out he had been doing it. I pieced together that once he "got mad" that I bought the wrong type of apples so he set out to punish me by throwing away my winter coat (I loved that coat) other times we would set a trap....or hide paperwork or food ... or do something equally crazy to punish me for some ridiculous event (like I asked him to change the TV channel.. apparently that is some form of personal criticism in his NPD mind so I must be punished).

I sound nuts.

It was nuts.


Posts: 413 | Registered: Jun 2012
CharlieFoxtrot
♀ Member
Member # 38010
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, March 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PhoenixRisen, it is crazy making. I understand exactly what you are talking about with the sabotage and punishment. I am so glad to know my gut instincts were on target!! STBX would move things (keys, wallets, etc) and then *forget* where he put them so that he could yell at me for being so stupid to not keep them in the same place... Funny, I don't lose them now. He would give me all kinds of projects to do, then text incessantly to insure that I couldn't accomplish anything, so that he could berate me for being so lazy and incompetent. I have sufficient reason to suspect that he slipped stuff into my wine glass on occasion. Thank God for intuition to get out!!


Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

Posts: 505 | Registered: Jan 2013
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, March 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The water line to my ice maker has sprung a leak twice. The first time was great: Dickhead was out of the country, my father came over, we fixed it in about 30 minutes.

The second time, Dickhead was home. He couldn't turn the individual little water shutoff. Then he and the neighbor determined that it needed to be shut off at the street. He became increasingly agitated as to why we did not have a shutoff valve in the house, threw the DIY plumbing book at me, and told me that until I came up with a diagram to redo the shutoff valve to inside the house, the ice maker was not going to get fixed.

*the cray cray is amazing, once you look back at it*


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
CharlieFoxtrot
♀ Member
Member # 38010
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, March 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry you feel that way.

^^This was my go-to for a long time. Now, my favorite is diversion or not acknowledging his emotional mantrum.

When he asks for something ridiculous in particular , the smart ass in my head likes to say, "I am disinclined to acquiesce to your request. That means *no*." But, what I really do is crickets or a simple redirect/disengage to no.


Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

Posts: 505 | Registered: Jan 2013
avicarswife
♀ Member
Member # 35799
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, March 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My IC thinks my WH has NPD. Her and her husband are also our MC. He is PA but I am not totally convinced about him being NPD - although certainly there are some traits.

I think maybe my difficulty is that if I acknowledge that, I have accept I married someone like that and have kept on my rose tinted glasses for so long making excuses for him and blaming myself.

I will also have to accept that he won't change and I either lower my expectations and stay with him or bow out.

He seems to be trying so hard, my IC says he won't be able to sustain it.

She suggested I read a book called
Enough about You, Let's Talk about Me: How to Recognize and Manage the Narcissists in Your Life
by Les Carter
and look on the following website

http://narcissisticbehavior.net/

Especially about Narcissistic Victim Syndrome


Did those of you with NPD spouses recognise it easily or did you struggle? I mean how do I know if he is really NPD or just has some of the traits?

[This message edited by avicarswife at 11:34 AM, March 28th (Thursday)]


BS: 47 (me)
WH: 51
Married 26 yrs, 3 kids (16-24)
D-Days 2012: 21 - 23 May + TT
D-Day 2013: 12 Apr OW#3
mOW #1 EA yrs PA Feb 2009-end 2011
mOW #2 EA months PA 4 months 2010
OW #3 PA single time 2010
Status: Maybe 'R'

Posts: 705 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: "down-under"
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, March 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I struggled. I made more excuses for his behavior after the divorce than he did before the divorce.

I married someone who was not honest with me about who he is. He created a pseudo personality, and I believed that personality was HIM. It wasn't.

He was wearing a mask, and during our marriage that mask slipped here and there and he made excuses and put the mask back. There came a day when the mask slipped off and I wasn't buying the excuses anymore. And he started blaming, gaslighting, distracting, distancing, and devaluing me. Not to mention having an affair... but that was nothing new to him. It was news to me.

I tried really hard to NOT have married a Narc. But the evidence was too much. and in truth.. learning about the Narc helped me to deal with him and be prepared for whatever he would do next. And in looking back over the marriage and things that happened (that he explained away) that I went HUH??? Have come to take on new meaning...

It's scary.. but realize you didn't know this was him,... most Narcs hide themselves very well.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4037 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, March 31st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, Tribe. I just needed a place to vent tonight. I know I shouldn't let him get to me. But. aaaargggghhhh! He does. And I hate that he does.

So, my DD and I were enjoying a nice time at the beach today when he called DD's cell phone. I heard her telling him, "No. Can you just talk to her tomorrow? We're doing something." and then "Can you just do it tomorrow?. K. Bye."

Then later after he's dropped her off from his Easter visitation, he calls me. He wants to take DD out of town in May and wants my permission. I told him, "Can you send me an email with the details, and I'll reply to that." He gets uppity and claims he doesn't have access to email, and he needs to make flight arrangements..blah blah. I tell him I need to check my calendar and I will get back to him. He then mocks me and picks a fight about money that is still owed from our custody/CS mod last month. I hung up on his ass.

And now I am stewing and crying. I am angry with him and his NPD demands, but mostly I'm angry at myself for allowing him to upset me.

I'm sure it's not a coincidence that he's picked at fight on Easter. A day which means much to me and nothing to him.

Thanks for letting me talk. I know you all understand...


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7635 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, March 31st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Woundedby2)))))

their timing is always to their advantage.

Deep breaths.... his actions don't take away how special this day is for you... it brings it home. Sinners are the reason for this day.

He's just a bigger one than the average human.

Hugs hon.... keep saying this too shall pass... it's my go to saying lately.

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4037 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 6:21 AM, April 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought about this a bit more..

NIK said it best when she said "they know how to push our buttons because they installed the fuckers". - and holy moly- She's right.

I'm angry at myself for allowing him to upset me.

I am willing to bet a couple of years ago, you would be more of a mess than you were this time around. Progress is slow, but there is progress.

He didn't wear you down in a day, it took a long time, little by little (so it wasn't obvious in the beginning) to wear you down to where he had control. Remember each time you stand up for yourself is a victory. It might not feel like it but it is a step in your healing and taking back your power. It sucks, because we aren't used to standing up for ourselves with this jerk. I won't say we shouldn't have to... because I know if I hadn't HAD to stand up to XH, my boundaries NOW would not be as well fortified as they are... against anyone. He taught me that lesson VERY WELL. One day I'll send him a thank you... it isn't today. Maybe that is the lesson that we need to learn in our dealings with the NPD jerk.

Each time you do not agree with him right away, you're taking back control and power. He doesn't like that, so he will do what he can to get that control and power back. He reverts to what worked in the past. You hung up instead of giving in right away. Good for you.

The fact that you were upset and angry is because you were disrespected once again. It's ok to feel that... hell you should feel that each and every time someone (not just the NPD) disrespects you. It is your internal voice telling you... 'this is not how I want to be treated'.

Thank God that voice is alive and getting well and speaking out loudly to you... and you are listening to it. Even if it leaves you upset and in tears.

Just like any physical injury, healing takes time, and with some injuries, practice before becoming completely healed. Emotional injuries are similar, time and with practice. Consider each and every time you have to deal with him as practice at being a whole healed human again.

Healing is a process, and it takes time. Give yourself the gift of time, you will be amazed at how much you can do (and undo from the N) and how far you can go.

Many hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4037 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 6:29 AM, April 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This came across my newsfeed last night. I thought I'd share it with the 'Tribe'


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4037 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, April 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks so much, Kajem, for your kind words. I am feeling back to normal today.

NIK said it best when she said "they know how to push our buttons because they installed the fuckers". - and holy moly- She's right.

This is absolutely spot on. We were well-conditioned by these freaks to do their bidding.

Hopefully I'll have at least a few days of quiet before he feels the need to interupt my peace again...


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7635 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
want_to_forgive
♀ Member
Member # 20470
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, April 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We were well-conditioned by these freaks to do their bidding.

This is so true. We just had our D hearing last week and it was absolutely the hardest thing I have ever gone through, not because I was heartbroken but because he didn't want to go through with it and I wouldn't back down. The anxiety that it caused me to "disobey" him was incredible.


M 11 years
Me: BS 38 Him: WS
DDay June 2006, LTA BFFOW
Divorced April 5, 2013
Not making a decision is making a decision.

Posts: 534 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Alaska
irrelevancy
♀ New Member
Member # 33579
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's in a relationship. All I can find myself feeling is sadness. Not for me, not for him, not for what could have been.... but for her. From what I can tell, she's similar to me in enough things that she's a perfect target for him. He'll be able to woo her into amazement at how lucky she must be to have such a great guy in her life and yet he'll very carefully tear her down until the only way to save herself and her child(ren) is to flee. Unless she figures things out earlier and gets out sooner.

Poor lady..... As wonderful as this tribe is, I don't wish membership to this tribe on anyone, especially one who appears as sweet as she does from what I've seen.


The greatest gift a father can give his children is to love (or at the very least, respect) their mother....

That didn't happen.... we're divorced as a result.


Posts: 49 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: healing land
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like I'm not the only one who needs a hug lately. What a bunch of insanity we live with. (((((Tribe))))) I swear, it gets worse before it gets better, sometimes. This one's a novel, again.

The anxiety that it caused me to "disobey" him was incredible.

NIK said it best when she said "they know how to push our buttons because they installed the fuckers". - and holy moly- She's right.

This is exactly how I feel every time we go to court, and every time there's an encounter outside it. It's incredible to me, and I hate it. I also agree with NIK - that couldn't be truer!

Crazy-making and button pushing is what he's doing now, at every opportunity. Yesterday was my DS's 16th birthday. It's the first time we had no reason to worry about STBXN ruining it... or so we thought. The day went along pretty well, and we were having fun, just us two.

Then, I look out the living room window, and who should I see walking not 10 feet from it, towards my manager's husband - the maintenance manager? He's IN our courtyard! I tell DS to get down out of view, and I grab the dogs, (nice French door in the kitchen so they can see and be seen,) and put them in the bathroom. He walks back and forth in front of the windows for a few minutes, acting like he had to talk to this guy. STBXN has an application in his hand. This is his "reason" to be here.

Our address is supposed to be confidential, so he's stalked us or conned someone into giving it to him. The office for this complex is on the other side of the community room building from us, so there's no reason he had to come through the grass on our side. I know the manager was in the office, because I texted her to let me know when he left so I could come talk to her. So she says he's gone, and I give it a few minutes to make sure, right? Go over to her office and we start talking about this situation - she's aware of most everything.

So I'm sitting in the chair behind the door, and hear the outer door open. I put my hand up to keep the door to the office from opening any further, and she nods slightly to let me know it's HIM. He came back! So she went to ask him what he wanted, putting herself between him and I, though he couldn't see me. He wants copies of something in the application, so she says ok and comes in and shuts the door. She whispers to me there's no reason to want that stuff, and that she believes he knows I'm in there, because it's too weird that someone would come back for those pieces of paper.

I ended up calling the police after he left. (I watched through the window while he got into his sister's car to leave.) Then the problem comes up: How do they arrest him without disclosing my address to him, on the off chance he doesn't know? They're just going to send it to the prosecutor and let them decide what to do. Every person I talked to yesterday - manager, DS's IC, cop... - believes he was here deliberately. That he knows where we live. That this was an attempt to contact DS and scare me.

It partly worked. DS stayed hidden because he's scared of him, so that failed. But he managed to scare us both badly, and we now feel every bit as unsafe as we did before. Fucker just won't stop. Well, the gloves are off. Now I'm going to let the prosecutor know about the break I didn't report, because I didn't want his niece to get in trouble. (He sent her to our house to give us the diagnosis of cancer he hadn't even gotten yet.) That's third party contact, which is a no-no. She's a nice girl, and really loves her uncle, but she has no clue that he's just like the mom she can't stand to be around... the sister of his who's helping him.

So now we are going to have to deal with yet another court case, because we lived in the county before, now we're "city" folks and that a different court. One for D, one for CS, one for PO break 1, and another for PO break 2. Will this ever end? Ever?

[This message edited by SoHurt at 10:46 AM, April 3rd (Wednesday)]


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I belong here too - sigh....

irrelevancy - it looks like you are doing really well with healing if you can feel sad for your X's newest target.

SoHurt - I am so sorry for what you are going through - can't believe how dangerous your STBX sounds. You have done a really good job of protecting yourself and your DS. From your brief story above, I don't think you can be too careful with this guy. He seems like he has a laser focus on you and that is not good (as I'm sure you are well aware). Good luck with L. Too bad the monster can't be caged. You shouldn't have to deal with so much stress for so long. Hopefully STBX will find another target soon. Hugs and strength to you.

I wanted to ask about my situation re: how to best D an NPD. Here are some options for what I could say:

1) You (NPD) have said that you are happy with the person you are, don't feel a need to work on yourself, feel that you've been a good H, a good provider, and don't feel like you have any blame for the problems in our M (besides the A). In addition, you don't believe that sex addiction is real, don't believe that you're a sex addict and will not enter into treatment for sex addiction. For these reasons, I cannot stay in this relationship and have filed for D.

2) I have tried your way of mending our M by being kind to each other, hoping that things will get better and I am profoundly unhappy. This is not working for me and I have filed for D.

Which one would be the better way to go? Also, I want to have already filed when I have "the talk" with him, but I'm not sure if that will just inflame him more. I am also worried about him hiding money, as he has done this in the past, so this is the reason I would prefer to file and have all the finances frozen before I talk with him.

Thank you for reading.


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is such a great thread, thank you!

My STBXH is extreme narcissistic and DD is displaying tendancies. My mother, sister and brother are as well. As for me? Codependent-formerly.

We can't have a single back and forth without STBXH blaming something on me. It's not even big deals, it's absolutely anything I try to ask him to do differently. And I mean anything. I don't ever treat these things like they make me mad or are errors on his part, I know that much, but still he puts what he can back on me.

It's to the point of an art form.

DD is doing it also. She is 10 and this scares me. An example is she asked my mother an idea for a plan when we visit. My mother said "too expensive". So DD said, "it's mom's idea anyway!" That floored me and I gently called her on it. It goes with homework and other things, so IC is helping me with both of them.

While I work very hard to not be interested in their stuff, is there any thought to how to be able to still have an opinion said aloud without being totally crapped on?

Will STBXH blame me even after D and into later life?

It makes it very hard to have any contact and I try to not.

He does really aggravating things re. parenting and some of it is insulting, or his responses to my asking to do something differently.

There's wearing kid gloves around someone and there's being a doormat. How to find the middle?

Thank you.


Ashland 13

The only thing that stays the same, is change. -M. Etheridge


Posts: 1965 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

irrelevancy, you're a good person, so you feel for this poor woman who has walked into a trap. But you've got to put your empathy for this woman aside. Don't borrow trouble.

SoHurt--I'm so sorry you're dealing with this amount of NPD crap. I pray the police and courts smack him really hard.

n&n--The best way to deal with "telling the NPD" is to do nothing. Let his notice come when he is handed a stack of papers by a stranger. Make sure you have all your ducks in a row. Your atty will advise you on how to handle money in bank accounts before hand. Have all of your financial documents and important papers gathered ahead of time. He will be angry. You know that. Be prepared for it.

Ashland, I worry about my DD14 displaying NPD tendencies. I don't know where "normal teen girl drama" ends and NPD crap begins. I pray hard for our children.

Will STBXH blame me even after D and into later life?

Yep. It never stops.

I wish I had an easy answer on how to deal with them. No Contact is the best way, of course, but it's not possible for those of us who had children with these monsters. Limiting contact to "in writing" only helps a great deal. Getting them to abide by your wishes is another story, however.

Keep reading and posting here. There is a huge wealth of understading and experience on this thread. Great people too!

(((Tribe)))


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7635 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There's wearing kid gloves around someone and there's being a doormat. How to find the middle?

The middle is the realization that any thing you say, any position you take is wrong - as long as it involves getting them to see, calm down, see the light, or be minimally reasonable.

IOW, there's no concord between Christ and Belial.
NC.
There is no middle ground.

NC!

You know what? They are so black and white throughout our whole encounters and experiences with them! Black and white thinking is a tell. Of a disordered one.

No fukking contact bakatcha!

Try going black.
- Not answering phones - WHY ARE YOU PICKING UP?
- Cultivating slack-jawed expressions like, wha? ahha?
Man, it really helps if you can relax your lower lip down. Drool a bit. Don't overdo it! Look like a dumbass dunderbutt.
- Become un INTERESTING
That way,
you're not identified
with supply.

I'd like to say it's easy, butt, since I'm a man, it kinda was.


Posts: 6027 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((tribe)))

You can't "tell" an NPD anything. In their mind you are stupid. You are wrong if you are not doing something they want or told you to. And if you are complying then you are supporting their idea of supreme authority.

NO CONTACT. Don't inform. Don't be cordial or polite or business like. BE SILENT.

I only give ex info if it is medically an emergency and I am on the way to the ER. Anything else he can get the same way I do: from the school, the newspaper or directly from the kids. If he doesn't comply with orders, then enforce through the courts.

If your kids are younger then there may be more info that needs sharing. I count myself lucky that my kids are old enough to navigate the relationship with their father and tell or don't tell what they want.

You will find out the most effective way to deal with your N. Two steps:
1. What makes YOU most comfortable and reassured and at ease? When do YOU feel safest and happiest? Do that more often.

2. What makes him go away faster? Do that more often.

Every time we engage, or give them attention we encourage that behavior to repeat. No response does not mean agreeing with what they say or do. It means we don't feed that behavior because we don't want it to repeat.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5307 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
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