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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread - Part 11
Coraline
♀ Member
Member # 36434
Default  Posted: 4:43 AM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate him. I hate him. I hate him, hate him, hate him.

I had been doing SO well with NC during my in-house hell. Then I screwed it up. It was kid-related, but still it was a fuck up. My dd was always homeschooled until this school year, when he insisted she start school. It has been nothing but a freaking nightmare. Her first teacher was so bad they fired her w/o even letting her finish the first semester. D8's math skills have taken a huge fall back, to the point that she's forgotten how to do things she knew in first grade. Her new teacher is abusive, dumps students out of their seats for not paying attention, makes sarcastic comments when they don't understand something she thinks they should, etc. The school refused to give my. Aspie daughter a 504. Their spelling curriculum makes no sense and is a repeat of words we covered in first grade. This year is a loss, basically. And you damn well better believe that I don't tell my daughter that this is acceptable.

I AM LIVID, and I do make comments about how things are being done. I'm disgusted and she knows it. So now my asshole stbx is saying that my negativity is why she dislikes school. No, moron. She dislikes school because her teachers have been awful and she knows she hasn't learned anything. She's been picked on and accused of doing things she didn't do just so the other kids could see her get in trouble. Her lunch has been taken and she hasn't made any friends she wants to invite over. THAT is why she hates school, not because I don't tell her how wonderful it is that "big" is a 3rd grade spelling word. And I refuse to let her think that's all in her head or that this makes sense or that she should be satisfied with getting a subpar education, because hey, that's what all her classmates are getting, so who is she to complain. I won't do it.

He says that I'm not being supportive when I voice my frustration with any of it. He has NO. IDEA what that fucking word means. I support her by making sure she has help with her homework and packing her lunch and validating her feelings when she knows her teacher is acting inappropriately. I support her by telling her to do her best, and to be more concerned with that than with her grades. I support her by meeting with and calling the people at that school over and over. If I tell her that it's stupid for them to focus on rote memorization of words each time affixes are added, rather than just teaching the kids the spelling of and rules for adding them, that's not being unsupportive. That's just letting her know that there is a better way.

Based on what he said tonight, I assume his big play for custody is recordings of me saying negative things about the school as proof that I have ruined her life by making her dislike school, and I am therefore unfit to parent. The fact is that we are a military family in a military housing complex. NO ONE chose to live here because the school was great, and all the parents that I am personally friends with hate this school and talk about it in front of their kids. In fact, it seems really manipulative and dishonest to me for parents to act like the shit that goes on up there is just wonderful, when we all know it isn't. You tell the truth, and you help them deal with it. THAT is how you parent.

Still, it's scary because he's SO GOOD at making me look like the crazy one, while he's all rational and CALM. You know why he's calm? Because he doesn't give a shit. He has repeatedly stayed that getting a good education isn't that important. This is all about control to him, so he can stay calm because he's not really invested for any other reason. And tonight he has me recorded trying to talk to him about this issue (school) and him saying he doesn't want to and then I was freaking pissed, after all the months of him following me around, calling me names in front of the kids, now he wants to act like I'm harassing him!? He of course just denied ever having done any of that, said any of that, spending months in a drunken stupor whenever he was home, and then the rat bastard had the nerve to laugh about it all, as if he couldn't believe I was crazy enough to accuse him of those things. As if it was all so ridiculous he just couldn't help laughing.

I saw how he will lie in court when he did that. I saw how believable he will look and sound. I can't lie. It's horrifying and scary.


Me: BW, 34 Him: WH, 35
3 Kids: 9, 3, and 1
Decree nisi will become absolute in January. We are DONE.

Posts: 771 | Registered: Aug 2012
Coraline
♀ Member
Member # 36434
Default  Posted: 4:44 AM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, double post.

[This message edited by Coraline at 5:08 AM, April 4th (Thursday)]


Me: BW, 34 Him: WH, 35
3 Kids: 9, 3, and 1
Decree nisi will become absolute in January. We are DONE.

Posts: 771 | Registered: Aug 2012
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question for the NPD thread.

STBXH is highly NPD, so much so that the blameshifting is like an artform.

He has been talking off and on about wanting to tell DD the truth about "all" that he has been doing and that makes me cringe inside. He says its for her, but I believe it's the guilt? Two counselors and a priest I know believe that as well as his own relatives.

Anyway...he is nervous (ha.) because she and I may move south and he claims worry that she will miss him. If I speak of it to her, she doesn't even bring him up! She talks about the new place, told me how to decorate her room and so on.

She is 10 and displays many NPD traits and already does the blame shifting as well. So I get it in duplicate, even when they are not home! Yes, when we get to the new place, I will get her back into counseling. I held off here because STBXH-"Perv"-went to the sessions here and manipulated them all for six months straight.

Anyway, the reason for my post is that when he spoke of telling her, he made me angry again. He said, "We aren't going to live together and should tell her before you go, in case you on't come back."

I don't know if I'm being way too oversensitive, but it came out like he was trying to minimize what he did. He is the one who chose out, not me and I don't ever, ever want her thinking that.

If I say that too him, I could start World War 4, as you all know. But there must be a way where we can give our opinion and not be a doormat and also not accept blame?

He's tried to blame the entire thing, every part, on me and I am finally standing up to it when I can figure out how.

I also don't know if this is just my messed up thinking and my not come out at all? And I don't know how much it matters.

I've told her a little bit in very simple terms and not about the A or other sh about him. I want her to maintain the KISA mentalitity with him as long as she can, because I know the pain when that's lost with a dad.

Thanks, as always, for any thouhgts. Daily I walk the fineline of "what does it matter?" to yelling at myself for being a doormat.


Ashland 13

The only thing that stays the same, is change. -M. Etheridge


Posts: 1965 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 5:13 AM, April 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I saw how he will lie in court when he did that. I saw how believable he will look and sound. I can't lie. It's horrifying and scary.

You've had your awakening moment to what he will most likely do. Now what will you do?

I did all I could to keep my calm.. NOTHING you can do will change him. YOU have to CHANGE YOUR REACTIONS to him to suit your outcome.

Record every conversation with him.

Only 'talk' thru email or someother form that can be printed and date stamped.

Do not engage him in anything other than kids and finances.

Do not complain to him about anything... he will twist the whole thing anyway, don't help him validate that you are crazy.

Yes it's crazy making... if he engages .. take a step back... take a deep breath.. another deep breath... in fact keep deep breathing till you can feel calm starting to return. During that time THINK about what you need to say to him... but think about the fact that he is recording you and how it will look to a judge.

Even if it never gets to a judge... and only the lawyer, court officer, etc... the recording will be judged maybe not by a judge, but by someone.

The secret is to keep YOUR wits about you... I know that is hard, but sometimes KNOWING what he is planning helps your strength to grow.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4050 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 5:24 AM, April 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if I'm being way too oversensitive, but it came out like he was trying to minimize what he did. He is the one who chose out, not me and I don't ever, ever want her thinking that.

If I say that too him, I could start World War 4, as you all know. But there must be a way where we can give our opinion and not be a doormat and also not accept blame?

He's tried to blame the entire thing, every part, on me and I am finally standing up to it when I can figure out how.

I also don't know if this is just my messed up thinking and my not come out at all? And I don't know how much it matters.

Not overly sensitive by any means. How do you minimize the destruction of a marriage by the actions of one individual?

She's 10? Anyone over the age of 8 can understand that there is more here than what people are telling me. She may very well know and choose to deny it. That is what my DDs did... till his actions impacted their plans for their life.

Teenagers are notoriously narcissistic... since she is a preteen she may be exhibiting early signed of teenager and not NPD. Let's hope for that.

You both can talk to her... if he minimizes the pain he caused you.. you have 2 choices.. Go along and set the record straight later... or correct him.

I honestly do not know which way would be best for your situation. But I do know that if she is with you mostly after the move. She will have questions.. maybe not now.. maybe not next month.. but by the time she is 21.. she will have questions. Answer them truthfully pulling her memories into your explanation to help her understand that when she was feeling off about something.. it was what was happening behind the scenes. It will help her to trust her feelings/intuition regarding what was going on around her at the time.

Remember YOU will have the chance to reparent you DD, she can get all the information (truth) she wants, all she has to do is ask.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4050 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
irrelevancy
♀ New Member
Member # 33579
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, April 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

irrelevancy, you're a good person, so you feel for this poor woman who has walked into a trap. But you've got to put your empathy for this woman aside. Don't borrow trouble.

Because I need to hear it.... why do you say this?

I've always figured that when he started a relationship, I'd feel sad for her but knew it wasn't my place to say anything or anything else. This poor woman has had so much tragedy in her life already. And that makes her a perfect target for NPDex.... she's looking for a prince in shining armor and he's so good at portraying that. All his controlling tendencies line up with the hopes that she has - I remember well explaining away his selfish tendencies and the parts I don't remember are documented in my journal from the time.

It sounds so reasonable when coming out of his mouth while he's slowly carving away your support systems and self confidence and even your willingness to simply be yourself.


The greatest gift a father can give his children is to love (or at the very least, respect) their mother....

That didn't happen.... we're divorced as a result.


Posts: 49 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: healing land
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, April 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

irrelevancy, you're a good person, so you feel for this poor woman who has walked into a trap. But you've got to put your empathy for this woman aside. Don't borrow trouble.
Because I need to hear it.... why do you say this?

Because she is aligned with him. They are bonded. They are in lurrrvve...

Nothing you say is going to persuade her that she has grabbed hold of the devil's tail.

Besides that, you know he has told her all of his stories about you. That you are a crazy, bitter, lying, manipulative, horrible woman. She believes him. Because she needs to believe that *their* love is different. Nothing could possibly have been his fault. He is, afterall, perfect in her eyes. So, it was obviously your issues that caused your relationship to crumble. You will have no credibility in her eyes.

If you try to intrude on this relationship, you will only pull yourself into a drama that you don't need to be a part of. Don't poke the bear. I know you want to save this woman from some pain, but I don't think it is in your best interest to do so. You will bring out the ire of the NPD, and you don't need that. Let this woman realize for herself what she has hooked up with. Don't bring any more pain and drama into your life.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7636 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
windowsnotwalls
♀ Member
Member # 36983
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, April 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Near 7mos in R with a recovering NPD.....and he truly truly has made unbelievable strides, ones I had never thought possible.

However, I made a decision this week he didn't like and it falls right back immediately into the old NPD cycle of frantic manipulation and withdrawal.

Meh, whatever. I had a REALLY great week this week. Doing things for me and the kids, what's right for US, and it feels so good. Watched my 5yr old learn to ride on 2 wheels, got excellent news back from a scary health test, start an AD script tomorrow, spent some quality time with my dad, my neighbor, the neighborhood kids. Life is totally sweet right now.

So, just "Sorry you feel that way" and crickets from me because I am protecting this new healthy. :) Getting stronger everyday.

He can figure his own issues out in IC. I'm loving life today.


"She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails" (Elizabeth Edwards).
http://youtu.be/62oby83NtGw
Forever Conditionally Detached

Posts: 503 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Pittsburgh, PA
irrelevancy
♀ New Member
Member # 33579
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, April 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you woundedby2.

I need to hear that again and again and again.... so that I remind myself of it again and again and again.


The greatest gift a father can give his children is to love (or at the very least, respect) their mother....

That didn't happen.... we're divorced as a result.


Posts: 49 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: healing land
Kalliopeia
♀ Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I made it over here to look at the PA thread and saw this one. Which kind of scares me because it looks like my life :/

Is it possible for NPD and PA to be combined in one man?

Where are parts 1 and so on, I only see about 3 previous threads and if this is 11, then where are the others..


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Kalliopeia,

I believe that the Borderline PD, PA, certainly Sex Addiction, can and do frequently overlap. If there is not coexisting disorders, then at the least the abuses and behaviors have similarities.

I think of it this way (which is not to say I am right): NPD is the condition which drives my ex. He uses passive aggressive mannerisms as a tool to get his way or to shame others. He indulges addictions (primarily sex and porn) because... well why shouldn't he indulge himself in every way? He does what feels good and what he wants because he is driven by selfishness and a lack of consideration for the feelings or worth of others.

At some point it becomes enough to know they are broken and broken by any other name would be just as traumatic.

The earlier threads have probably archived. If you have specific questions please feel free to post them. Read away and some of the "inside humor" is from ancient threads but don't let it throw you off. Caulk guns (in great half used numbers) were a common item we discovered in cleaning out their junk. And the zebra duck is our mascot. (if it walks like a duck, etc etc it is probably an NPD zebra trying to pretend to be a duck. As the NPD are human imitators with no empathy or kindness except what the imitate)

A gentle welcome if you find our thread helpful.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5310 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Page 5 of the main ICR forums, near the bottom - is NPD from @ 6 years ago.
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=196693

I read through the earlier threads for a long long time. There are some great links and resources scattered about the threads. You'll know if it fits.

NPD's have co-morbidities (more often than not). PA, SA, Histrionic PD, too many... including anyone in their orbit with PTSD, STD's, and sometimes stains on BVD's.

When you feel like you're in a land of busted lightbulbs and broken toasters know that you are, at least, not alone.
We got a mascot, an official tool, and by golly, a theme song!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S7MuwPlOiNQ


Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Kalliopeia
♀ Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you

I was doing google searches last night and came across narcissistic victim syndrome.

Wow. I have been having PSTD symtoms, terrible anxiety and panic attacks. Increasingly worse as time goes on.

It clicked for me, so I am really happy to be here.

I saw the caulk gun and old house thing and omg, I live in this big old house and I have so much caulk in hand. I mean on hand. I don't know what I mean.


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kalli,

Welcome to the NPD forum... and the 'Tribe' - that's what we call ourselves.

Ask away... if we can't answer your question.. someone had probably already walked that part of the hike to healing.

I say hike, because a path is too light for what we have to come back from.. either way it's a journey. One I am glad I found friends (who get it) on.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4050 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Irrelevancy,

You are sweet to care about her... and she may be tricked by him... or she may be the bigger N. Time will tell.

I say this because I was all ready to warn the new supply to my X... when things all of a sudden to a turn. As it turns out, my X is a N, mrs X is an even bigger N, with X's balls kept firmly in a pouch in her purse. He literally does nothing without her permission.

I wish them a long life together... and I mean it.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4050 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Kalliopeia
♀ Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

does anyone else here have a lot of anger. I feel really guilty for getting mad at him. I would go for months trying to keep upset from showing. anger, panic.. he would keep on pushing and pushing, demanding more and more and asking me to degrade myself in the process.. after a while I would have an outburst that combined a panic attack with tears and anger.

then I hear how mentally unbalanced I am, insane, like an animal. "dumping" would follow, along with him telling other people about my "mental issues" and how crazy I am, that he was giving up on me.

I am ashamed to even say it all here, it sounds so terrible.

He has dumped me again and I guess I am actually pretty relieved.

Did anyone else here eventually get angry at the affair/gaslighting/npd stuff and really just cut lose on the WW NPD?


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did anyone else here eventually get angry at the affair/gaslighting/npd stuff and really just cut lose on the WW NPD?

Yes and No.

Yes it got angry at him and a few times I did go off on him....I gave him a taste of the rage I was feeling.

Truth was I was afraid to unleash that much rage. I was truly afraid I would loose my mind and do something very stupid and detrimental to my and my kids well being. I can ALMOST understand how someone could become insane with rage. I was afraid I would have been that person.

So he only got a taste... the full rage never materialized... I was actively pulling weeds by hand... beating a heavy bag, beating a tree with a nerf bat (pool noodle when the bat broke), I didn't want to hurt the tree, but I NEEDED to hit something. - The tree was before the heavy bag. I walked and walked and walked and walked.... even my dog gave up and wanted to go home..

Do what you can to release the anger in safe ways...It helps.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4050 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Kalliopeia
♀ Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, April 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been reading through this thread and looking at the links.

I guess I am lucky in that we never married, and I can move his things to a storage unit and never see him again.

I have been through a major affair, other child, he has done everything to me except physically hit me.

Right now he has gone quiet. I know him well enough to know he is giving me the silent treatment in the hopes it will trigger me into contacting him over and over until he "forgives" me. Then it all starts again.

I am not all that angry now. Once I realized what the problem is and what he has been doing to me. I was getting very angry every 4-5 months and would try to fight back. And only verbally arguing.

The problem I have had most is with panic attacks, full blown, terrible depression, suidcidal thoughts. I am self employed, my business is suffered considerably due to day after day of such extreme anxiety that I can work, eat, or sleep.

I feel calm today, numb, depressed. At the same time I am so relieved to realize that this was not all my fault. Feel kind of shell shocked, tbh, reading those links.

I don't know what to do now, except NC this guy for all of enternity.

I do have the conditioned feeling to want to contact him like the way it always goes, but it's more an itch than a feeling of desperation.

A mutual friend has contacted me. She says he is telling everyone that I have had a psychotic break, am dangerous, and lacking sanity. They are all advised to avoid me wherever they can.

I have spent the last 3+ years of my life with this man doing this. I always stayed though because I felt desperately attached to him. And I have been sitting here for the last year trying to detach myself from him so I would stop hurting so much.

I just couldn't until now.


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, April 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kalli,

When you feel the need to contact him (and you will, and it will be strong) put it in a letter and post it on SI... we can give you support to stay NC.

Him telling everyone your crazy ... It's what they do. They have to portray themselves as the good guy, and you as the crazy.

Keep your head high... you know the truth. Everyone else will see it with time.

Hugs,


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4050 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
windowsnotwalls
♀ Member
Member # 36983
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, April 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I ended it today. Feels great to be on this side of things for once. I initiated NC. Blocked on social media, emails to auto-delete, blocked on google voice, changed passwords. Still ready for the chaotic storm ahead.

Nevertheless, I feel better about my future than I have in years. So proud of me today! I was so certain a year ago I was completely broken, soul destroyed. Feels amazing to realize it was just a bad time, that my true good life still awaits.


"She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails" (Elizabeth Edwards).
http://youtu.be/62oby83NtGw
Forever Conditionally Detached

Posts: 503 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Pittsburgh, PA
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