You handled that really well. I don't think I could've gone through the whole weekend. You had to be pretty detached by then. Think if that was me, I'd have let her leave at 4am, soon as she did, I'd have driven straight to the terminal, been there waiting, let her be sick to her stomach she was caught all weekend in FL.
Glad you broke free. Thanks for your story. :)
Here's the latest on me. I noticed a lot of filing activity by him through the courthouse website, with a hearing date today and one next Friday. I hadn't been served anything, so I didn't bother worrying. This morning, as I was talking with the prosecutor about the PO break trial we STILL haven't had, he said I better call the court, since he'd seen me on the docket. So I did, and they said come in and find out what happened then talk to the facilitator. So I did - nothing happened, because he hadn't had me served. (All the stuff he filed was to modify the visitation order and parenting plan, which will be addressed next month at our trial for the divorce. Dumbass.)
So he tried to sneak through a modification, which he can't do, obviously. Now I'm waiting to see if he gets me served by tomorrow night, because that's the deadline for next Friday. No service, no hearing.
Anyway, while I was stressing about all this, I realized that if he does NOT have the sheriff serve me, which he'd have to pay for, that PROVES he knows where I live, and that blows him out of the water when the next PO break case comes up. (The one where he showed up on DS's birthday.) So I have a plan.
The camera and my phone are by the locked front door. My bedroom window is next to the door. When the bell rings, I check to see who's here. If it's anyone I know other than a sheriff or city cop, (namely and most likely his sister, the psycho,) 911 will be dialed but not sent. Out comes the camera, and it's the first thing they'll see when I open the door and take a picture. After papers are served, I follow server to vehicle. If it's his sister, I will snap a shot of her license plate, and if he's in the car, which he's dumb enough to do, I stand behind it and press send on the phone.
I'm done being scared of him and scared to do anything about it. I'm done hiding behind closed blinds and worrying that he'll hurt me. Instead, I'm armed with a phone and a camera to prove my case and have him arrested again. For the third time.
What a sense of power there is in having a plan, and seeing his ridiculous attempts come to nothing. He really is a hollow man, and she's no better. Caution is still my watchword, but I have a plan and it's a good one, I think.
Hugs all around, again.
Plans are empowering aren't they? Yours sounds like a good one also. I would suggest if you can do it.. to cc your attorney with those pics..if not then sending them after the fact is ok too.
Part of me wants him to show up and part of me doesn't. Do you feel the same way?
Let us know what happens..and
It's like they think they have a magic pencil, where they write it down and what they say becomes reality.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I had a 1yr+ custody battle with my ex-idiot too. It's taxing on the spirit. You sound strong. Keep your head up. Know that the waters do eventually calm. Stay safe.
My therapist told me that if we tell ourselves a lie often enough we begin to believe it UNLESS we correct ourselves by telling ourselves the truth along with the lie.
I figure XH did that. His truth is so convincing, sometimes I would have to check my journal to dispute it in my mind. Of course that was when I was believing what came out of his mouth. For the last several years I have the attitude - if his lips are moving, he is lying.
It's easier to deal with.
if we tell ourselves a lie often enough we begin to believe it
And this is exactly how the rewriting of marital history and the vilifying of the BS works as well. I do think they recite their fantasies so often that they probably believe most of them are factual. And they are so convincing that others believe them as well.
Hugs to everyone. It's nice to see so much excellent support happening.
Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson
Anyone do a program for Narcissisic abuse recovery? If so which one? and was it worth it?
I'd love to know, too, what's worked for survivors.
Here lives an ongoing documentation. If I were an IC, professionally, I'd find this resource gold.
Bad things they did? You got a list? Good.
Refer to it, to each of those embarrassing fucked up painful moments every time you're tempted to break NC.
For beyond merely just believing the lie
they recite their fantasies so often that they probably believe most of them are factual
...they have invested a life's worth of psychic energy into the construct that is the manufactured them, that, (there's no probably about it) to dispel that myth - to rip the mask off if only in your mind,
requires you to withdraw. To survive. To give them only drips and drabs till there's nothing of you for them to claw onto as a replacement for their emptiness, their falseness, their truly-believed lie.
This is why No Contact is the only way to survive.
Minimize information about yourself.
Any revealed anger, any passion, any desire for a right and reasonable thing becomes fuel, feeds them grist for their mills, keeps them grinding on you.
For they must grind on you. They're driven to it by the lust they have cultivated and perfected, for long and long! - to avoid themselves. They dare not confront the lie that is their lives.
So tell me, tell us, more stories of No Contact. How you eased on out. Hefty bagged. Got out completely.
These are the stories of survival.
I moved him out to a storage unit. I left the key with the manager for him to get his stuff.
I didn't go NC right away.. it took about a year of me banging my head against the wall.. Let me explain.
My XH is a covert Narc.. he mirrors whomever is closest. When he would talk to me, he would mirror me. When he is with NW he mirrors her.. He and I parented extremely well, we were always on the same page.. because he was a mirror image of me.
Covert isn't obvious, it is a slow insidious process of devaluation little by little.. so that there is not much left of value.
I thought I was big and bad when I kept the secret that I had seen an attorney, that I had moved him out. That I had changed the locks without his consent.
These were steps to regaining my power, my safety, securing my sanctuary from him.
It still took me almost a year to go completely NC... because I kept thinking I was dealing with the old XH and not the new XH. only when push came to shove the New XH is who he is now... the old XH was just placating me to get what he wanted... another way to control or hurt me.
Once I realized he was using his old persona to get past my boundaries and get information that could/would be used against me... I cut off contact to everything BUT email.
It was the only way for me to survive.
Mine has run off and is not directly trying to interact. I am told he is asassinating my character and telling some pretty big lies to a variet of people. I kind of doubt they believe him completely. I am pretty sure *he* believes himself totally.
I only realized the last few months that he has been going back and re-writing history. And he has been telling people this fabrication.
He has shown me very little remorse in the last two years. I couldn't understand it until I understood the history revisions. In his world, I have done terrible things to him. So he says his actions of betrayal and so on were the direct result of ME devaluing the relationship so much, he just sort of gave up on me and did what he wanted, because he felt no loyalty to me.
The things he did tell me he was "reacting" on were events that I know never happened and things I know I never did or said. Just try to convince him. So he has gone out into the world and told people this story of us that never happened and I am the bad one.
Out of all that has happened, that and realizing he may be NPD have just put me into the mindset of why bother. It's like nothing I do will make a difference. He WANTS to scapegoat me.
So watching him go to extremes to block me out, avoid me, and so on.. I have resigned myself. I keep wondering if these actions are directed at me or if he is believing himself so well that he is actually really trying to protect himself?
I have not said anything to him, made no moves, my brothers attempted contact about him stuff at my house, which is being moved tomorrow.
Not a peep back. This is just wierd. Is it likely he really will just never show back up?
WTH, way to end for a good a 7 year relationship. Piff like a match going out and nothing else.
Normally I would be making effort his direction, smoke signals baby come back. And this time, I am showing nothing and taking no actions.
I know this may sound mean, but I think he is sitting there all paranoid wondering when I am going to do something terrible.
The only reason my XH talked to me was regarding out kids... in those emails he put a bunch of other stuff to beat me down to get me to go along with what he wanted. He went around telling all sorts of stories about me to anyone who would listen. After a period of time... people saw his words for what they were lies. And eventually cut their ties to him. Not that they re-established ties with me.. either, but they did break his ties.
You see, I hadn't changed in how I dealt with people, he did. His mask had come off, and without me to prop it up for him, and NW is too busy propping up her own mask... well his mask just kept on slipping. Eventually he told one or 50 lies too many and he was found out. Those lies cost him friends.
In December of 2012 I sat with him while our DD had surgery, and again at her followup with the surgeon. That is the most I have spoken to him in the last 8 years combined.
My XSO and I haven't spoken since October for about 10 minutes and before that was August for something business related.
Trust me... it's easier this way. Although you can't stop thinking of them and are probably running conversations with them in your head... it's ok. I am doing the same thing some days... I just know it won't do a damn thing to change the current situation.
It sounds like you know the same thing.
I have resigned myself. I keep wondering if these actions are directed at me or if he is believing himself so well that he is actually really trying to protect himself?
I believe it's much more simple, Kalli: he needs to be the one doing the rejecting. You are the one who got away, and that feeds a deep wound inside him. He now needs to perform rejecting you, over and over, that is why he is sending (that's what I mean by performing) such strong messages. He needs to try and convince everyone and himself that he is rejecting you, not the opposite,
His bad mouthing and scapegoating of you is par for the course, and as you are now learning, many do not have a good opinion of him and his iterations will be transparent for the malevolent untruths they are. And yet, of course, they (NPD) can be very convincing also and so some will believe him. I've had to let go of that fear in my situation and trust that those that matter will not.
Mine is currently playing victimus supremous, a role he had perfected and which had me yoked, which is rousing some compassion (in others, not me); so sickened am I, I have had to block him on FB as I felt stalked. That seems such a small thing, but goes against my strategy of getting out 'amicably' as far as the outside world is concerned, which protected me from his wrath as he would need to feign concern for me. Remaining friends with him on FB was PR propoganda to keep me safe. But, as Jjct asked about NC, am mentioning this, because I have bust open the amicable split fiction in order to go for true NC, and once he realises that he's blocked, and what that may communicate to others, he may feel anger and shame, (the rage) and I expect some retribution, in what form yet I don't know. For sure, I have vulnerabilities and for sure he has them well-scoped, and for sure he is very clever. But then, so am I (I am realising) and so, as little as I want to be distracted by a battle, it is nevertheless an internal one that I face daily, so it may as well be actualised externally. It is of course chasing windmills for him, but if he wants to use up his flagging energy on that, I can set a few more windmills in his way.
So Hurt, it sounds like you have everything covered - you sound great.
Thanks everybody for all your strengths and humour - it really helps. Not to be alone. Because you all understand, whereas IRL we can sound like the crazy ones if we try to talk about it.
Kalli, I really recommend 'The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists' by Eleanor Payson. It's some time since I read it but I may pick it up again - like Windows, I'm needing to find my anger at the moment. I do recommend staying away from the Vaknin stuff, it gets into the bones in the wrong way, because of his messianic needs.
Edit: ....and then watching the animation of those angry emoticons faces just made me laugh. Hahaha.
[This message edited by windowsnotwalls at 5:57 AM, April 13th (Saturday)]
Kajem.. he may believe the lies. He was trying to force me to interact with him on the basis of a variety of lies he was trying to convince me of about myself.
I am not going to live in that world.
Also, in the last week, the only panic attack I even came close to was when my friend was telling me he was back golfing.
So I know for sure those attacks are associated with him. I am watching him take that FB page up and down 3-4 times a day.
wtf, ok. I guess at some point soon I will get tired of watching it.
They have to manufacture the background for the truth.
What they actually build is as sturdy as a house of cards. One card propped up against the next can't withstand the winds of truth. The truth will come out... it may take time as each prop he has in life eventually realizes that they are there to prop up him, his version of himself, his lies.. etc. They will eventually get tired of it.
Just as you have.
1. try to have the hearing without serving me and claim ignorance or something equally stupid, or
2. let the hearing go because he's too cheap to pay for service and they're still garnishing CS, or
3. falsify a return of service.
Either of the first two are ok by me, and the 3rd is, too. Because I'll watch the court website and if I see one filed, I'll jump on it like a duck on a Junebug. I'll be showing up in court to announce I have not been served with anything, but the clerk told me there was a hearing scheduled, so I came to make sure there was no foul play. Can I see the return of service? Meanwhile, I'm accounting for my time so I can know where I am if such fake service takes place.
I'm back in self-protect, mama bear, out-and-out bitch mode. I'm unwilling to lose the sense of peace I've gained since moving here with my son, and I'm equally unwilling to let him run roughshod over me like a doormat anymore. That has ended, and he hasn't figured it out.
WNW, I am being cautious. My neighbors and manager all know what's going on, and they are watching out for me, too. I love this place. Yes, I have to put up with some nosiness by some of them, but in the end, as long as people are watching and aware, I can tolerate it.
Let's hear it for having just over a month to go before I'm no longer MRS. XNPDSOBLSOSCFer. I'd explain the whole acronym, but it would burn some ears and offend more than a few. It's accurate, but not very nice.
yanno just in case we need to use it as a secret password or something.
And what does it say about me that I don't think it NEEDS translating? Pretty sure the way I read it without thinking hard at all might be accurate....
SoHurt: I love that you are not being a doormat! You sound incredibly strong and secure and I LOVE it. I also see that the strength comes from a good defense and not an offense. Thanks jj for keeping us on track with the NC reminder.
Poking the NPD bear is NEVER NEVER a good idea. The entertainment value is low, the satisfaction is short lived and the risk of retaliation is 100%.
Stay safe Tribe. Come here and fantasize about poking the bear, but in real life let the bear believe he rules the forest.
XNPD Son Of a Bit@h Lying Sack Of Shit Cousin Fu@ker.
He earned it when he had that affair that brought me here in the first place, with his skank cousin. Made me feel better every time I thought it, and it still does. I told him once, years ago, he had a nickname. At the time, I said "Mother" instead of "Cousin." And I didn't know about the NPD yet.
So how close were you, CG? As far as I'm concerned, it says more about your knowledge and experience than anything else if you got even half that. Kajem, it's your fault the eyes are melting off our Tribe.