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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread - Part 11
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, May 4th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((HUGS)))) to you, Chrysalis.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8787 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
windowsnotwalls
♀ Member
Member # 36983
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, May 4th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Chrysalis))))))

Very sorry. My son is only 5, and I've already experienced the parental alienation. Your story haunts me. I'm so sorry you're going through it. I commend you for standing up for yourself. It has to be tremendously difficult to do so with the child you love so much. You indeed are doing the best thing for her. I'm sure all of us wish our NPDs parents had offered some consequences to behavior like she's presenting. It isn't right to treat people that love you with such callous disregard. Good for you for being strong enough to provide that lesson to her. It is TRUE love. You are the better parent. I hope one day she can appreciate your love.


"She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails" (Elizabeth Edwards).
http://youtu.be/62oby83NtGw
Forever Conditionally Detached

Posts: 503 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Pittsburgh, PA
hardtimesinlife
♀ Member
Member # 10468
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, May 4th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry chrysalis. What an awful feeling. Our children have the power to hurt us very deeply. Hopefully when she's a little older she will realize this. I remember my dd at 18 and it was not easy. It's hard not to take things personally. Hang in there.


Ddays 2004 & 2007
I cut my losses mid 2013
Feeling happier every day :)

Posts: 5958 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Florida
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, May 4th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone, for your support. I am hurting right now with a grieving heart.

I know people will look down on me in this small town because they don't know the real reason.

I am fighting the urge to contact x- NPD to defend myself and explain. Just coming on here and saying that makes me change my mind....it would only give him and dd ammo to hurt me further.


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2373 | Registered: Jan 2010
Kalliopeia
♀ Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 12:19 AM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

no one likes to be used. I hope your daughter will take that on and come to some realizations.

I guess I am luckier than all of you here, because my narc has dropped off the grid, except that he continues to do these vague sorts of things that I feel like are directed at me, but who knows.

He did send me an email saying that he considers me to be incredibly selfish in my persistent request that he stay away from his golf girl, and that my reactions are dangerous, agressive, and inflicted on people who are not at fault. so he left, he says, because he doesn't want to deal with me. He is also exhausted and very very angry at me. He says.

I am too tired mentally myself to even want to answer him in my head. I am just evil no matter what. He says all my mistakes are deliberate attempts to cause harm to him and others.

Try to unconvince a narc, it won't happen. It seems PA and BPD are big aspects to these guys.


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 1:56 AM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{Chrysalis}}}
This is a very hard age for your daughter. The only thing I could suggest is that you and she should meet and you should let her know that you are proud that she is graduating and would love to celebrate the event, but you feel you cannot do a joint celebration with your xH at this point in time. You need to tell her that you understand that it would be more comfortable for her that you would be able to do so, but you are not ready yet. Perhaps in time you will.

My parents are divorced. It took many years for them to be able to be "civil" and work together for family events. I knew I wanted them both there at some events like christenings, etc., but it wasn't possible for a long time.

For a child, they love both their parents. They may hate/love the parent who betrayed or left the other, but they are still the parent.

My first xWH betrayed me over 225 years ago and DDay for current Wh (NPD) is about 4 years ago. I understand the pain and hurt. But I also know as a child of D, you love both your parents.

The main advice I can give you is to keep your boundaeries, but don't give up on your love to your DD. Keep the door open. Keep showing her your love and that you are there for her. That knowledge that she knows you are on her side, even if she isn't responding, will help her. She will know and won't forget. Don't give up hope.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just posted this in New Beginnings...but thought the tribe might have some sage replies..

This is an email I just received from Npd-X's live in gf of 5 months.


Chrysalis,
Hi! I've been wanting to reach out for some time now but wasn't sure how it'd be received. With graduation quickly approaching, and since we have never met, I thought it would be nice to maybe meet for coffee (or something stronger) sometime soon. What do you think?
Also, I was thinking of taking DD18 to get a dress for graduation. Of course, I don't want to offer to do so, if you were considering doing this with her. At the risk of over-stepping, I know your relationship hasn't been easy especially as of late. I just want you to know she truly does appreciate everything you do for her, even if she doesn't always show it. She's really hurting right now and struggling with not getting along with you, the uncertainties of graduating, growing up, and all of the responsibilities that go with it. Npd-X does what he can to comfort her, but she could use her mom right now too.......even though she won't admit it. I think she's been in tears more often than not.

You have done a great job of raising two wonderful girls. You should be very proud.

Like I said, I'd love to get together if you have time for coffee or a drink. Let me know.

This is not sitting well with me, so 2X4 me if I am off base.

Recent backstory is on the last few pages of the NPD forum.

Short story is DD18 has been treating me abhorrently for over 1 year. Extreme, repeated disrespect toward me, her sister, and my parents. Also stealing from me and her sister and hateful emails when she doesn't get her way.

My gut tells me that DD needs a course correction of tough love and realistic consequences for very hurtful decisions. I have emailed her and expressed my desire for a healthy two way relationship, and that I will be 100% in once she also shows the same desire and some consistent kind and loving actions.

I do not know gf at all. She is not married to Npd-X, is in her 40's with no kids and never married, and I think they have been long distance for several years. He spent 100% of his vacation time with her for the last few years. Apparently that is not important for the kids and indicates to me a level of self absorption between both adults.

Kids have also told me that in the 5 months she has been living there, she completely redid the place, removed all traces of the gifts the kids gave dad, and micro-managed DD18's diet demanding pictures of everything she ate....of course this directive came from Npd-X. DD18 saw right through it and said why were you not concerned about my diet before gf moved in?

My initial reaction to this email was shocked she sent this....how presumptuous for a women without children to intrude into my family and my life.

Second, I thought how come Npd-X isn't writing this...well we all know the answer to that...

Third, I guess she is trying to be thoughtful but....yuck. And why wasn't she sure how she'd be received? I have never been introduced, said one word to her, so I assume she has heard an earful from Npd-x. One time I saw her and she looked like she saw the devil when she saw me!

I don't want to have coffee with her. Can you wise folks help me craft a respectful reply? Y'all are so good at this kind of stuff.

Thanks in advance....


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2373 | Registered: Jan 2010
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Given that she's a live-in gf at 40 w/ no kids, and has demonstrated food & house overcontrol, she could be a fellow N.
She could be a manipulated dangle, to get you hoovered in again.
Or, she could be in on a plan by all of them...
All are good reasons for *crickets*

I can see how the grad-dress is a nice big ole juicy hook too. A bit of manufactured drama, playing all the right mama chords.

Besides, your DD should be the one conferring with you about it, right?
Keep up the tough love.
Don't let them play on sympathy to erode your boundaries - which include respectful behaviors from DD.

I just keep coming up with more links...
I'm sure this title will ring a few bells;
"Narcissists Hurt You and Make YOU Guilty of the Sin of Feeling the Pain"

http://masksofsanity.blogspot.com/2011/04/responsibility-wrap-narcissist-hurts.html


Posts: 6027 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, jjct. I worry that crickets will make the situation with my daughter worse for me. They will play it like "See your mother is a cruel nasty witch...she did not even have the courtesy to answer that "nice" email...


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2373 | Registered: Jan 2010
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is this woman the OW?

If so - crickets. She didn't respect you enough when you were married, I doubt it will change now that you are divorced.

If she is not the OW... I might think about it.

You do have options... several in fact.

Option 1: Send her an email (keeping jjct's advice in the background in order to figure out what she was: normal or NPD?

My response would be to acknowledge that yes the relationship is strained at the moment. I wouldn't meet her in person. But I might try to swing her to be my ally by asking her to give me some insight into what goes on in their household. I got a lot of information about what happens at X's from my inlaws.. they didn't realize I was stockpiling the information in order to parent my kids better by doing damage control. My kids were also much younger than your DD.

I would not meet her if I wasn't feeling 100% sure I could control my feelings. My feelings can be seen on my face. I never want to meet NW .. she scares me even after 10 years.

Option 3: Continue to have a relationship with her.. one sided and with distance. I call these my hallmark relationships. I send a card, (maybe a gift) and never expect to hear back from them. A lot of time I an not disappointed. I acknowledge them in my own way to let them know I am thinking of them... and let it (and them) go. It keeps the door open to a relationship with you in the future and when she (hopefully) grows out of this stage... that relationship can grow.

But keep your boundaries firmly and securely in place. If she invites you to be a part of her life.. figure out how much you are willing to spend and stick to it. She may want to go over your limit.. but don't.

She is being sweet to get what she wants, she might have learned that as a 2 year old.. but I am willing to bet it has been reinforced by XNPD.. it is the way they operate. Love is a business transaction. I wouldn't go so far as to take that attitude, but I wouldn't be going overboard in my spending until I saw some genuine gratitude coming from her. And not a really good acting job.

Hugs, I hope when she goes to college, she realizes just what a wonderful mother you are to her.

More hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4037 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My personal response would be to acquiesce to the dress & politely decline the invite for coffee.
DD is soon an adult so Hallelujah less interaction required with npd-ex!

regarding figuring out whether OW is normal or npd - who cares! you never invited OW into your life so get her out of your life. My recommendation, IMHO, is to be polite but terse with firm boundaries and no friendly chats - OW is NOT your friend


Posts: 413 | Registered: Jun 2012
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This gf is not the OW. I feel no need to know her. My kids are a graduating senior and a soon to be senior in HS.

It is not like the kids are small. The soon to be senior wants nothing to do with her dad or gf.

Something is not right here.... I think the lady is pushy and rude, and up to something.

I am going to sit on this and think about what to do that is in the best interest of DD18.


[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 10:37 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2373 | Registered: Jan 2010
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Something is not right here.... I think the lady is pushy and rude, and up to something.

If that is your gut reaction, then that is what I would go with and base my reaction to her email accordingly.

You know her thru what your Dd's have said about her.

Go with your gut.... just keep your boundaries firmly in place regarding DD.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4037 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found this and thought I'd share.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eXDRTYcSLDA


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4037 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
hardtimesinlife
♀ Member
Member # 10468
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chrysalis I read the letter from new girlfriend and I had a different take on it. I don't know all the background so I may be way off but this is how I read it:
Hi! I've been wanting to reach out for some time now but wasn't sure how it'd be received. With graduation quickly approaching, and since we have never met, I thought it would be nice to maybe meet for coffee (or something stronger) sometime soon. What do you think?

She knows you will all be together in front of lots of people and wants to avoid the certain awkwardness that will come from the first meeting. Remember, she wasn't the ow and probably doesn't even know there was an ow.
Also, I was thinking of taking DD18 to get a dress for graduation. Of course, I don't want to offer to do so, if you were considering doing this with her.

This was a great opener to make contact with you to possibly get the awkward first meeting out of the way. She also was respecting the parent/child bond by making sure she wasn't going to step on your toes by dress shopping with dd. It would be awful for gf to buy dd a grad dress if you were going to do it - that would have made you furious (rightfully so).
At the risk of over-stepping, I know your relationship hasn't been easy especially as of late. I just want you to know she truly does appreciate everything you do for her, even if she doesn't always show it.

This I read as gf trying to let you know that she sees the bad treatment that dd is aiming at you and that gf wants you to know that dd does appreciate you even though she doesn't show it. I really feel that gf thinks dd should treat her mother better and gf is letting you know that she doesn't buy the "chrysalis is the bad guy" thing. Couldn't it be that she instinctively knows that you would be hurt by dd and wants to give you a look at what dd is really feeling? As I said, I could be way off but I did read the note without all the emotional baggage that goes along with the sitch.
She's really hurting right now and struggling with not getting along with you, the uncertainties of graduating, growing up, and all of the responsibilities that go with it. Npd-X does what he can to comfort her, but she could use her mom right now too.......even though she won't admit it. I think she's been in tears more often than not.

This, again, seems like she is trying to convince you that dd doesn't hate you and that gf wants you to know that dd would welcome you in her life. Also, gf could be letting you know that she has no intention of trying to step into your role and that she, gf, isn't going to stand in the way of your mother/daughter relationship.
You have done a great job of raising two wonderful girls. You should be very proud.

Like I said, I'd love to get together if you have time for coffee or a drink. Let me know.


I think the great job thing was her way of letting you know she isn't of the opinion that you are a bad mom.

IDK, maybe I'm naive and maybe she has hidden motives but I didn't get that vibe. I have kept a very good relationship with my xh (dd's father) and his family and I could see myself trying to make contact with a new gf so that gatherings would be easier. Until infidelity came into play in my current sitch I never thought twice about interacting with xh, new gf's, bf's etc.


Ddays 2004 & 2007
I cut my losses mid 2013
Feeling happier every day :)

Posts: 5958 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Florida
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Holy Shite. I now know what it means to have an NPD use the court system to abuse you by proxy. Holy Shite.

When I'm feeling better maybe I can share. Right now I'm raw & bleeding from the thrashing...


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8787 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((NG))))))

We are here when you're ready.

More hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4037 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((NG)))


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5307 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((((((((((NG))))))))))))))))

Posts: 6027 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((NG))) I know these feelings so well...

We're here when you're ready to talk about it.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7635 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
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