Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: northeasternarea (43214)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread - Part 11
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At my mediation, I arrived early and requested a separate room so I didn't have to have any contact, because it was like "facing my abuser".
I got it.
It went swimmingly.

I think we'd be better served if we turned our desires INwardly (For once? thank you!)

I want to let him know that emotionally I'm done

...and let you know - shhhh! it's a big cool secret! ....that you're done.

Focus all the energy on 'letting him know'
to
'letting you know'

Ms.starlight? I love your name! Could you please include spaces for my old eyes?
Welcome to TRIBE
((((((((((starlightsky)))))))))))))))


Posts: 6019 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to let him know that emotionally I'm done

shhhh! it's a big cool secret! ....that you're done.

Wow, never thought of it that way.. Thanks for the great advice..

I guess it's frustrating that I have to turn myself into someone I'm not to deal with him. Normally I'm all loving and trusting and truthful, and now I have to keep going into stealth mode so I don't screw this up.. It sucks having the person who knew you in and out the best, that you shared everything with, is now your enemy..

Well, I guess he doesn't know me anymore, and he never really knew me back then.. I guess I'll be happy knowing I've become smarter and wiser and stronger than ever before, and he's still the same old immature childish selfish POS with the same old types of tricks up his sleeve..


BW~ 35, Two Darling Sons~ 10 and 6
D-Day 9/2012
S 10/2012
Filed D 11/2012
Divorced! 4/2014

Posts: 1370 | Registered: Feb 2013
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to The Tribe,

I'll be happy knowing I've become smarter and wiser and stronger than ever before, and he's still the same old immature childish selfish POS with the same old types of tricks up his sleeve.
.

and since it's a secret.. you don't have to tell him! Let him discover this by your actions... no need for words.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4025 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to the (((((Tribe))))) newbies. Nobody ever wants to be here, and it's a rough thing to deal with, but you couldn't have found a more supportive place.

My divorce was final just about two weeks ago, and I've had no contact with EX for over a year except in court. At first, it is frustrating not to be able to tell them what they did to us, that we're over them... all the things we want to say. I know I have plenty to say to mine! But the longer you go without biting that hook, the easier it gets, and the more you understand there's no use in it.

NPDs don't think like we do. Not at all. We're not even in the same universe with them, so there's no way to make them understand what they did, and they don't want to, anyway. It's just useless, and it gives them more power over us - which is the very last thing we should allow. It just isn't smart, and it isn't going to do what we want it to. It doesn't even make us feel better, because it backfires and doesn't accomplish what we need. My friend suggested I write mine a really long letter, get it all out... everything I know now, everything I suspect, how it hurt us, etc. Then burn it. He's never going to really hear or feel what I say, so there's no point sending it. But the power of letting go is in the writing of it, and that's the goal. Letting go.

No contact is the way to go. Always. It is hard at first, but it's the best thing to do. Listen to jj... he knows what he's talking about. All the NPD vets here know. There should be a medal for surviving NPDs.


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since we're not in the same universe (lol SoHurt -sooo true!), we need to learn a new language to survive.
NOT for talking with them.
For ourselves.
Self-talk.

The new language seems "not us" at first, but with practice, it becomes our 'go to'.

For example:

Normally I'm all loving and trusting and truthful, and now I have to keep going into stealth mode so I don't screw this up

A little tweak to this thinking (self-talk) says:

stealth mode = survival mode

& survival is good. Real good.
So, it's not a bad thing, at all. In fact, you'll become quite adept, quite talented.
To the point where laughing out loud in their faces is your problem (because that too, is fodder for them).


Posts: 6019 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Narcs Do not make sense.

[This message edited by Kajem at 2:52 PM, June 7th (Friday)]


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4025 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks to everyone who contributes to this thread - I really appreciate the advice here.

I know the answer to my question is NC (because that's the answer to every question on this thread ), but here it goes:

I am going to be filing for D from my NPD/SA WH soon. When he is served and comes home, do I interact with him at all? I think what I should do is tell him to have his L talk to my L, but I don't see how I will get around not talking to him (and, I admit, I want to talk to him to get my last digs in).

I have been laying low and getting my ducks in a row, pretending like everything is ok. He has no idea that I am going to file. So, I think it will be weird if we are acting normally one morning, he comes home after being served, and I say "talk to my L, I have nothing further to say to you."

What do you think, tribe?


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have a VAR on you to record the explosion and abuse.
(& Hide your smile!)
"I'm sorry you feel that way" and walking away to a safe place.

srsly. get a VAR.
(((n&n)))


Posts: 6019 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, jjct!

Yes, I plan to have a VAR, cell phone, pepper spray, neighbors alerted, etc.

I'll let you know how it turns out.


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm with jjct on this one.. Voice Activated Recorder...No one believed that my XH is abusive. no one ever saw it outside of myself and the kids.

Get it and have a safe place to go to... that he doesn't know about. Especially if he has ever been physical when angry with you. The most dangerous time for someone leaving a narc is when the narc realizes the truth that they are leaving. Be prepared to take your kids and go someplace safe.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4025 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:56 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because my STBX had always been so verbally & emotionally violent, because I was genuinely afraid he would kill me and/or the kids, I pulled the Shock And Awe maneuver. Hefty bagged his shit, changed the locks, then me & the kids fled town. A process server delivered the news to STBX. He's never been back inside the house since then.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8783 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SoHurt, would this work?
.
.
.
.

& I just bumped the Safety Thread in IT


Posts: 6019 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jj, that is PERFECT! I love it and now have a copy I may use as my FB pic. lol Thank you for that. And for the analogy of a new language, because that's really where this journey takes us. At one year out, I'm still hearing Nspeak come out of my mouth at times, because I learned so well how to keep him from going off that it became automatic. I hate that. It doesn't happen very much anymore, but it makes me mad every time. I'm tired of scripted responses! My self talk is all messed up, skewed and bent. It's hard to change it, but I'm working on it.

You know, it really does feel like we're in separate universes from the NPDs. This might make you laugh and it sounds weird, but if you ever watched Star Trek TNG, I'd liken it to the Borg vs. Human episodes. They are not autonomous, follow inner commands only, and are "dead" when cut off. The worst part is, if they assimilate you, you can't get out. (Not without the Federation's help. ) Not an elegant comparison, but the Borg are mindless, cruel and frightening. (I love that series and am rewatching it on Netflix. )

N&N, yes it will be weird to experience that. But the alternative is not appealing. You don't want to do it the way I had to, believe me. I got my ducks in a row, said it was over, and it took almost a month to get him out because my son's lives were at stake. He actually pulled a knife on the one who owns the house, because he wasn't ready to leave. He thought he should be allowed to move into a different room from me, and stay until my youngest turned 18... 3 years! He claimed it was so DS wouldn't be traumatized, but it was really about retaining control and stepping up the mind-bending he excels at. So my point is, let it be weird. There's not going to be an easy way to do this, because what you're dealing with is a freak from another universe who's bent on keeping what's his... which is everything. Just stay calm that morning, be prepared, and run like hell if you have to. There is no easy way out, and it can get dangerous. Be prepared, and check in with us as soon as you can after. We'll all be worried.

(((((Tribe)))))

[This message edited by SoHurt at 10:58 AM, June 8th (Saturday)]


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's a great comparison...
I'd do-over the outfits though, yellow with black stripes.

Posts: 6019 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There's not going to be an easy way to do this, because what you're dealing with is a freak from another universe who's bent on keeping what's his...

....and hell bent on keeping what belongs to other people and calling it "his".

NPD's are delusional thinkers, pathalogical liars, master manipulators, and can be dangerously violent.

numbandnauseous
If I were you, either mover out of the house right before you file and move to a secret undisclosed location or have him removed during the process.

There is NO WAY to "nice" your way through a divorce with an NPD. It will be hell and it may be the worst experience ever. There is no way to "reason" with these monsters.

Everyone is right. The ONLY way is NO-CONTACT.

I had my XNPDH removed from my house in March of 2001 and our divorce began. We had no children and the house was mine prior to marriage. Should have been a simple divorce right? Wrong. He fought for every. single. crumb. He was hell bent on destroying me.

And he is the one who cheated and had OC's with OW's!

Divorce took YEARS! He continued to stalk, harass, sue me for anything and everything. It was exhausting and financially devastating.

Today, 12 years later, (OMG) there are still scars, and even still a little anger. But I have no regrets getting that worthless piece of shit out of my life. No matter the $ it cost, the hell I went through, and the pain, it was well worth it to be rid of him.

The best advice I can offer any of you who are new to this is to DOCUMENT everything. Make lists, make copies, start a journal of actives, keep a calender and write down everything that he does, take photos of text messages, rerecord voice messages onto tape and file them away for safe keeping, keep records of how many times you changed your phone number, how much it cost you, DO NOT BREAK NC. Don't be afraid to call the police.

Some of my biggest mistakes in the beginning were trying not to "make him mad" Well f-that! Why did I care about him? he didn't care about me. In the end, he was a raging lunatic. I soon realized that I needed to treat him like I would any other criminal off the street. Once I did that and began calling the police every time he showed up on my propery or I had unexplained property damage. Things began to change. At first he would call and scream and yell. Well, big mistake because I taped that AND CALLED the police so off to jail he went for violating the PO.

After spending lots of nights in jail, he got the message.

My point is, had I tried to "reason" or talk to him, he would have only continued to manipulate and bully me. This proved to be true by his reaction to me installing boudaries.

Like Sohurt said, they are from a different universe. They are NOT normal. And we tend to make the mistake of thinking that they "think" and "feel" like we do. They don't. They can't.

The only way out is to go through the hell to get out. Sometimes (if you're lucky) they will just walk away. But be prepared for the worst. And just know that even though this will be a horrible time, the end result will be so worth it.

I would go through it all again to end up in the happy place I am today.

(((tribe)))

[This message edited by sadtoo at 1:25 PM, June 8th (Saturday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd do-over the outfits though, yellow with black stripes.

I've said it before, jj, and I'll say it again... we NEED a "like" button for posts!

There is NO WAY to "nice" your way through a divorce with an NPD. It will be hell and it may be the worst experience ever. There is no way to "reason" with these monsters.

This is SO true! This was the single worst year of my life, including the year I spent suicidal over his affair with his own disgusting cousin. There is no comparison, and life on this side is so much better!

Believe me, if there was a way to go back in time and get my DS and not have the EX I have now, I'd do that. But since that can't be done, going through hell on bloody, bruised and broken feet was so worth the life I have now. My son is happy, healthy, not suicidal - and neither am I! - and has made friends and gained a life he never would have had otherwise. I am the captain of my own ship, with the best first officer I could ask for. We are broke, we have little to no furniture, no possessions of any worth, and eat a lot of tuna and Ramen... but we are rich in love, freedom and spirit we never knew we could have.

Take sadtoo's advice and try to be somewhere else while he's served and removed, and document everything you can. I documented, and boy, was it hard to deny when I had the proof in the judge's hands. Be safe, N&N.


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks again for the advice, everyone. I am planning on taking a self-defense private lesson before I file and I just spoke with one of the instructors. She instructed me to call the DV hotline in my area so they could assess how much of a threat he may be. I will do that as soon as I get a chance. Then I will take a self-defense class.

The self-defense instructor told me that it sounded like I was telling her two different things: 1) that he may be violent and 2) that his image is very important to him, so that may prevent him from being violent. I do understand that if NPDs are going to be violent, it is most likely to happen when their spouse leaves them.

Anyway, just wanted to give you an update.

sadtoo - how would I have him removed right after I file? He has never raised a hand to me or the kids. I do have a safe place to go that he doesn't know about.


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My X had a history of violence, so I filed a protection order the same time divorce was filed.

Talk to your attorney. Find out the laws in your area and what will be best for your individual situation.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Definitely talk to your attorney (((n&n)))
& you know it's not so much when you file, but when (& where) he's served that's important.
Besides the VAR, and a place to go (GOOD ON YA!), is it possible to have a trusted friend with you for awhile?
Keep us posted, sis - we're here for ya!

You know that feeling of 'not being yourself' when you first begin to emerge from the Nspell?...and how it seems to take awhile to get your footing back?...and become re-acquainted with yourself?
The sense of unreality, unfamiliarity?

Then, the process of finding you again - even with the changes which have resulted from their corrosive orbits...getting strong again, stronger than ever before!
It's a good thing, a beautiful thing, this 'new you'.

I was thinking it would help people detach if we thought instead of Attaching to ourselves.
The one that we've been 'missing' for awhile.

Works for me.
(& trust me, I gots a duhGREE!)
.
.
.


Posts: 6019 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
loveisareddress
♀ Member
Member # 36474
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been pretty much ignoring him for a while.

Last night, he all of a sudden is starting to be nice to me.

Wonder what he's up to?


Scorched earth-Like Peter the Great, he burns up his own territory in order to gain the upper hand while his own people suffer.

I don't need you to be happy. I just need you to leave me alone when I am.


Posts: 437 | Registered: Aug 2012
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.