I am glad you didn't stop to talk to him face to face. The less you interact with him will be the antidote to his poison in your life.
I finally know that I am NOT weak, a massachist, insane, etc. Thank you all so much for this thread. I have been lurking here since last weekend and have learned everything I need to know about my miserable relationship. It's like a light switched on on my brain: I now know who this person is, how he operates, what his motivation is. I can put a label on it, put it away once and for all, and begin healing.
My story is the same as the rest of yours. I don't need to tell it again. Just thank you, thank you, thank you.
[This message edited by masuhanley at 11:42 AM, July 12th (Friday)]
It's like a light switched on on my brain: I now know who this person is...
I remember that jaw-dropping feeling when I started reading on the NPD threads years ago. To begin understanding what has been happening in your life, to know you are not crazy, and to see that there are others who are going through the exact same things is a wonderful thing. It is freeing - as you said.
Feel free to jump in here with your story or just the bits you're having trouble with at this time. This is a fabulous and very wise bunch.
Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson
I am sorry for the reasons you find yourself here, But I am glad you found us.
The next day he sent me a text with a picture of the lighter he bought for me. Seems he did in fact order it but I don't think he ordered it when he said he had. I didn't get the text until the day after which was Sunday. Just before it came through he sent me an image of something funny on the internet. I ignored it. Then he started saying that he wants me to accept the lighter from him and that he will give it to his mate to give to me if he doesn't see me first. I told him that I didn't mean to be rude but I don't want it. He told me that he would love if I accepted it and that it would be one less thing to look at as he still has the teddy I gave back to him which he has had to hide under his bed and my dressing gown is still there (he bought me the dressing own for Christmas so I don't want that either).
The thing that struck me about all of this is that him giving you things is all about him. HE doesn't want to be hurt looking at them, HE ordered the lighter but HE doesn't want to look at it... so you MUST take it (so that you will now think of HIM when you see it). The dressing gown must come to you because HE is reminded that he's not a good person when HE looks at it. The teddy bear had to go under the bed because HE wanted one less thing to look at yet he is blaming you for this.
Um... he's a big boy. He can take responsibility for his own feelings... you've told him that you don't want these things (or at least, you did with the lighter), now it's up to him to find a way to not hurt when he looks at those things by oh... perhaps donating them? Boxing them up? Throwing them away?
But no... it HAS TO GO TO YOU (according to him) because then you'll feel hurt and he can salve that inner little spark of conscience that he can't handle that is bothering him... if he pushes the hurt onto you, then he doesn't have to feel or listen to that inner voice and that's all that he knows to do or is even capable to do when it comes to feelings about other people... push it away or make it all about him.
That didn't happen.... we're divorced as a result.
Rarely ever have any contact with FT. Get a text today telling me tht DD18 has "something" going on with a 25 year old man from town. She just graduated high school.
He said he told her it was unacceptable and she threw a fit. He snooped and found out the guys name and went to see the guy and told him he had no business messing with an 18 year old. He ended the email by saying "I thought you should know."
He then goes on to tell me to lay low and not contact her about this because "We" can handle it. We meaning him and his live in GF. he actually mentioned "we" several times.
FT is the source of DD18's alienation from me. And now in his whacked mind I guess I am relagated to the side lines.
He tends to behave like a huge bully with the kids, ranting, yelling, poking etc. and I can picture how this went down.
He said he is worried if I email her it will turn into a "big deal" again. Yep..a big deal for HIM.
So....why did he even tell me? Hoover perhaps?
I was considering emailing her from the angle of it must be exciting to have an older man interested in you....BUT conversation and sharing with her the website Baggage Reclaim (which is all about healthy relationships).
I am so worried as she is an extremely vulnerable kid that is a sitting duck for a predatory guy.
What would you do if you were me?
Thanks so much, and I cross
posted in the Divorce forum as well.
A bit of background: my 92-year old grandfather died a week ago and I was at his visitation all day Wednesday. I forgot my cell phone at home. I got home to all kinds of angry texts and missed calls from NBF. He was pissed off because he hadn't been able to reach me all day. I tried to call him and he didn't pick up so I texted him and explained what had happened. No response. The funeral and wake were the next day and I tried to keep him posted (minimally) on what was going on throughout the day. No response. Real nice, huh? I'm dealing with burying my granddad and he's playing mister passive aggressive. Par for the course.
So I decided f*ck it. I'm done. Things have been so shaky and on-again, off-again with us and with the help of this forum and my therapist I had basically decided that I was ready to go NC anyhow.
So on Friday he started texting me all sweet and nicey-nicey. I ignored him as I had decided to go NC. He continued his texts, each one becoming more aggressive and mean. I decided I would send him one text explaining that I wanted no further contact. I told him that I would not respond to his texts, calls or even listen to his voicemails. I told him I would call the police if he came to my house. I told him I wasn't angry at him but that I was done and want him out of my life once and for all. He sent a couple of more ragey texts and then stopped for the day.
Well, of course, now he is in full-on "gotta get her back" mode. It is sooo freaking laughable! Do these guys have a manual that they go by? His behavior is so predictable!
Thank god I have gained the clarity of what he is doing (and what he is) from this forum. Thank you all, Tribe, for helping me so much in such a short period of time! I feel like I am FREE AT LAST!!!!
Right now he's trying to win you back so he can go back to his old ways. It's far better than the "argue you back" that I got. But it's harder to stay firm.
So... say firm! Remember that he's trying to get you back just so that you can go back to being his supply. Expect 6 months to a year of change (or more) before trusting him. My ex can keep going for between 6 months and a year to most people. Since I know what I'm looking for, it's less than that for me. But true colors do show.
Remember that he's trying to get you back just so that you can go back to being his supply. Expect 6 months to a year of change (or more) before trusting him. My ex can keep going for between 6 months and a year to most people. Since I know what I'm looking for, it's less than that for me.
Not sure what you mean, irrelevancy? I will NEVER trust him again. I haven't trusted him for the past 1.5 years of our 3+ year relationship, for that matter.
This forum has given me the knowledge of what evil I have been up against, finally.
Thanks for that. I never really looked at it that way before. I get what you mean though. It's ok for me to have these things to look at and be hurt but not ok for him.
It was more than that for me. I didn't want to see the things to be reminded off him. I also returned the gifts to him because they were bought with insincerity and it was all based on lies so I gave them back to the disgusting liar they came from. Might be mean but stuff him. Nothing compared to what he did to me.
Although I can't be sure, I don't think he wanted me to have the lighter because he was hurt by having to look at it. I don't think he's hurt at all. I think that was a lie to make me feel guilty and sorry for him and to hurt me more by making me sad. It's all just manipulation I think.
Also, going to court today, hopefully for the PO break trial to start. It's been put off so many times, the sheriff and I are on a first-name basis and are getting to know each other. But the prosecutor says there are EIGHT other trials in line, and as we have a pro tem judge, we may get put off again. So there may be no news again. Part of me doesn't even care anymore. I'm divorced, I have custody and DS doesn't have to have visitation. That's all I really care about. It would be nice to see him pay for his crap, but I just don't care anymore. I'd rather be done.
So, I'll update y'all when I get back. Either way, at least I'm not freaking out about it anymore. That's progress.
I am not sure what I need, but perhaps hopeful for some support.
N's come in all sort of flavors and their egos come in all sizes.
NPD is a spectrum disorder... which means that the NPD title can cover everything from someone who is self centered to a psychopath (think Ted Bundy). And it can get complicated further with a few twists like the altruistic N.. who does good deeds so that they will be recognized for doing the good deeds. or the mirroring narc, who mirrors their partner so well the partner thinks they are 2 peas on the same pod or soul mates. (I was guilty of that) After all how do you argue with someone who has the same EXACT values, interests, parenting styles, movie preferences, etc.. as you do. You can't it's like arguing with yourself.
Anyway, we call ourselves "The Tribe" and we do have fun... no one gets the Narcy jokes better than us... we've lived it...we can laugh about it...
And laughter is good medicine.
Hugs, and welcome.
[This message edited by Kajem at 10:29 PM, July 15th (Monday)]
I'd rather be done.
OMG!!!! Yay!! I remember getting to this point and it was the biggest relief to realize it was true............
Party worthy announcement. I don't have the dancing smileys though.
I hope that doesn't come off as anything other than sincere because I am truly happy for you SoHurt. That news made my day.
It is like an angel got her wings.
I'll add my welcome behind Kajem.
I love this place. It is where you can get hugs and comfort and support and celebration for the long walk.
As to the trial, it started late and ran late, and by the time I got home, all I wanted to do was lay down and sleep. Testifying was really hard, and his atty is awful. He was downright cruel, and it was difficult not to let my temper out for a bit of fun with him.
"Isn't it true that you and (the man I supposedly cheated with) set Mr. XNPD up?" Seriously? I mean, seriously?? Who held a gun to his head and made him walk up to me twice and stay within yards of me for almost an hour? Who took away his self-control and kept him from leaving?? "No."
The guy even tried the whole "ask a confusing question about what I said last year and then one about 5 minutes ago and then jump back to last year, etc," to which my response was, "Wait. When did I say this?" Another confusing way of putting it, and my response is again, "When are you talking about?"
He even wanted to argue the definition of "NEAR," before the trial, because "It's not a very clear word." The prosecutor, (I love him and the arresting officer, I swear! ) says, "I think 5 feet is pretty near."
Anyway, I felt horrible about the way I testified, but the prosecutor and the officer both said I did phenomenal. I made them tell me what was so good, and by golly, they came up with some great stuff. I felt a lot better then. I made the defense atty rephrase his questions at times, and clarify when he was talking about, a LOT. My prosecutor said I kept him from having to object too much. And the officer said we were on the same wavelength about this atty. I laughed and said I saw him nodding when I wouldn't answer the stupidly confusing questions.
But, as luck would have it, we didn't get done yesterday, so I'm going to be stuck at the courthouse from 9 this morning till this is over. And I don't know if he'd be sentenced today, IF he's convicted, but I'll have much news this afternoon. Maybe I'll get lucky and it'll only take a few of my morning hours up. I can hope. Either way, this will finally be the end of the longest year ever.
And I'm looking forward to the blow-by-blow from my eyes and ears in the courtroom. Can't hear it until it's over. Dang it.