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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread - Part 11
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Someone who doesn't have empathy for the rest of humanity.

I am glad you didn't stop to talk to him face to face. The less you interact with him will be the antidote to his poison in your life.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4026 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
masuhanley
♀ New Member
Member # 39782
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My god. I am so thankful to have finally figured "this" out with this forum's help.
I have been entangled with an NPD for 3+ years now. I have never understood why I could not get away from him.

I finally know that I am NOT weak, a massachist, insane, etc. Thank you all so much for this thread. I have been lurking here since last weekend and have learned everything I need to know about my miserable relationship. It's like a light switched on on my brain: I now know who this person is, how he operates, what his motivation is. I can put a label on it, put it away once and for all, and begin healing.

My story is the same as the rest of yours. I don't need to tell it again. Just thank you, thank you, thank you.

[This message edited by masuhanley at 11:42 AM, July 12th (Friday)]


Posts: 5 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Midwest, USA
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 1:55 AM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome, masuhanley.

It's like a light switched on on my brain: I now know who this person is...

I remember that jaw-dropping feeling when I started reading on the NPD threads years ago. To begin understanding what has been happening in your life, to know you are not crazy, and to see that there are others who are going through the exact same things is a wonderful thing. It is freeing - as you said.

Feel free to jump in here with your story or just the bits you're having trouble with at this time. This is a fabulous and very wise bunch.

(((TRIBE)))


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7633 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 2:40 AM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome masuhanley,

I am sorry for the reasons you find yourself here, But I am glad you found us.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4026 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
irrelevancy
♀ New Member
Member # 33579
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurtagain,

The next day he sent me a text with a picture of the lighter he bought for me. Seems he did in fact order it but I don't think he ordered it when he said he had. I didn't get the text until the day after which was Sunday. Just before it came through he sent me an image of something funny on the internet. I ignored it. Then he started saying that he wants me to accept the lighter from him and that he will give it to his mate to give to me if he doesn't see me first. I told him that I didn't mean to be rude but I don't want it. He told me that he would love if I accepted it and that it would be one less thing to look at as he still has the teddy I gave back to him which he has had to hide under his bed and my dressing gown is still there (he bought me the dressing own for Christmas so I don't want that either).

The thing that struck me about all of this is that him giving you things is all about him. HE doesn't want to be hurt looking at them, HE ordered the lighter but HE doesn't want to look at it... so you MUST take it (so that you will now think of HIM when you see it). The dressing gown must come to you because HE is reminded that he's not a good person when HE looks at it. The teddy bear had to go under the bed because HE wanted one less thing to look at yet he is blaming you for this.

Um... he's a big boy. He can take responsibility for his own feelings... you've told him that you don't want these things (or at least, you did with the lighter), now it's up to him to find a way to not hurt when he looks at those things by oh... perhaps donating them? Boxing them up? Throwing them away?

But no... it HAS TO GO TO YOU (according to him) because then you'll feel hurt and he can salve that inner little spark of conscience that he can't handle that is bothering him... if he pushes the hurt onto you, then he doesn't have to feel or listen to that inner voice and that's all that he knows to do or is even capable to do when it comes to feelings about other people... push it away or make it all about him.


The greatest gift a father can give his children is to love (or at the very least, respect) their mother....

That didn't happen.... we're divorced as a result.


Posts: 49 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: healing land
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK tribe....please help me interpret this.


Rarely ever have any contact with FT. Get a text today telling me tht DD18 has "something" going on with a 25 year old man from town. She just graduated high school.
He said he told her it was unacceptable and she threw a fit. He snooped and found out the guys name and went to see the guy and told him he had no business messing with an 18 year old. He ended the email by saying "I thought you should know."

He then goes on to tell me to lay low and not contact her about this because "We" can handle it. We meaning him and his live in GF. he actually mentioned "we" several times.

FT is the source of DD18's alienation from me. And now in his whacked mind I guess I am relagated to the side lines.

He tends to behave like a huge bully with the kids, ranting, yelling, poking etc. and I can picture how this went down.

He said he is worried if I email her it will turn into a "big deal" again. Yep..a big deal for HIM.

So....why did he even tell me? Hoover perhaps?

I was considering emailing her from the angle of it must be exciting to have an older man interested in you....BUT conversation and sharing with her the website Baggage Reclaim (which is all about healthy relationships).

I am so worried as she is an extremely vulnerable kid that is a sitting duck for a predatory guy.

What would you do if you were me?


Thanks so much, and I cross
posted in the Divorce forum as well.


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2373 | Registered: Jan 2010
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chrysalis I posted to the other thread. But I wanted you to know I am sending prayers for strength for your DD and you.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4026 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
masuhanley
♀ New Member
Member # 39782
Happy  Posted: 9:46 AM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I gave asshole the royal boot via text on Friday. We don't live together anymore (thank god) so it was very easy to do.

A bit of background: my 92-year old grandfather died a week ago and I was at his visitation all day Wednesday. I forgot my cell phone at home. I got home to all kinds of angry texts and missed calls from NBF. He was pissed off because he hadn't been able to reach me all day. I tried to call him and he didn't pick up so I texted him and explained what had happened. No response. The funeral and wake were the next day and I tried to keep him posted (minimally) on what was going on throughout the day. No response. Real nice, huh? I'm dealing with burying my granddad and he's playing mister passive aggressive. Par for the course.

So I decided f*ck it. I'm done. Things have been so shaky and on-again, off-again with us and with the help of this forum and my therapist I had basically decided that I was ready to go NC anyhow.

So on Friday he started texting me all sweet and nicey-nicey. I ignored him as I had decided to go NC. He continued his texts, each one becoming more aggressive and mean. I decided I would send him one text explaining that I wanted no further contact. I told him that I would not respond to his texts, calls or even listen to his voicemails. I told him I would call the police if he came to my house. I told him I wasn't angry at him but that I was done and want him out of my life once and for all. He sent a couple of more ragey texts and then stopped for the day.

Well, of course, now he is in full-on "gotta get her back" mode. It is sooo freaking laughable! Do these guys have a manual that they go by? His behavior is so predictable!

Thank god I have gained the clarity of what he is doing (and what he is) from this forum. Thank you all, Tribe, for helping me so much in such a short period of time! I feel like I am FREE AT LAST!!!!


Posts: 5 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Midwest, USA
irrelevancy
♀ New Member
Member # 33579
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They don't have a manual, they're just all on the same wavelength.

Right now he's trying to win you back so he can go back to his old ways. It's far better than the "argue you back" that I got. But it's harder to stay firm.

So... say firm! Remember that he's trying to get you back just so that you can go back to being his supply. Expect 6 months to a year of change (or more) before trusting him. My ex can keep going for between 6 months and a year to most people. Since I know what I'm looking for, it's less than that for me. But true colors do show.


The greatest gift a father can give his children is to love (or at the very least, respect) their mother....

That didn't happen.... we're divorced as a result.


Posts: 49 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: healing land
irrelevancy
♀ New Member
Member # 33579
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chrysalis. I don't have any advice but wanted to know you have my prayers. This must be so hard for you.


The greatest gift a father can give his children is to love (or at the very least, respect) their mother....

That didn't happen.... we're divorced as a result.


Posts: 49 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: healing land
masuhanley
♀ New Member
Member # 39782
Default  Posted: 5:15 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Remember that he's trying to get you back just so that you can go back to being his supply. Expect 6 months to a year of change (or more) before trusting him. My ex can keep going for between 6 months and a year to most people. Since I know what I'm looking for, it's less than that for me.

Not sure what you mean, irrelevancy? I will NEVER trust him again. I haven't trusted him for the past 1.5 years of our 3+ year relationship, for that matter.

This forum has given me the knowledge of what evil I have been up against, finally.


Posts: 5 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Midwest, USA
HURTAGAIN1981
♀ Member
Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 6:15 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

irrelevancy,

Thanks for that. I never really looked at it that way before. I get what you mean though. It's ok for me to have these things to look at and be hurt but not ok for him.

It was more than that for me. I didn't want to see the things to be reminded off him. I also returned the gifts to him because they were bought with insincerity and it was all based on lies so I gave them back to the disgusting liar they came from. Might be mean but stuff him. Nothing compared to what he did to me.

Although I can't be sure, I don't think he wanted me to have the lighter because he was hurt by having to look at it. I don't think he's hurt at all. I think that was a lie to make me feel guilty and sorry for him and to hurt me more by making me sad. It's all just manipulation I think.


Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2012
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just popping in to say welcome to the newbies, keep reading and posting because this is the best place to be when you are dealing with an NPD.

Also, going to court today, hopefully for the PO break trial to start. It's been put off so many times, the sheriff and I are on a first-name basis and are getting to know each other. But the prosecutor says there are EIGHT other trials in line, and as we have a pro tem judge, we may get put off again. So there may be no news again. Part of me doesn't even care anymore. I'm divorced, I have custody and DS doesn't have to have visitation. That's all I really care about. It would be nice to see him pay for his crap, but I just don't care anymore. I'd rather be done.

So, I'll update y'all when I get back. Either way, at least I'm not freaking out about it anymore. That's progress.

(((((Tribe)))))


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SoHurt, that is progress. I am keeping my fingers crossed for you.


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2373 | Registered: Jan 2010
Edith
♀ Member
Member # 38337
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello everyone, dipping my toe in the NPD pool for the first time. I'm not sure I'm dealing with NPD or something else, but I'm struggling to deal with a man who is a lifelong chronic liar. We are 3+ yrs from his A, and one of my conditions was no lying. I guess I would not be writing this post if my condition had been met.

I am not sure what I need, but perhaps hopeful for some support.

E.


Lies are manipulations. Always.

Posts: 284 | Registered: Feb 2013
brokenandconfuse
♀ Member
Member # 39381
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am finally admitting that I belong here as well.


2DS, 2DD
BS-Me 32
WH-Him 43
DDay-All 14 years of our relationship. 3PA's, 3 one night stands, and 6 EA's and still counting as we go. Gained enough strength to face it 11/2012

Getting Divorced


Posts: 101 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Edith and bandc. Keep reading....

N's come in all sort of flavors and their egos come in all sizes.

NPD is a spectrum disorder... which means that the NPD title can cover everything from someone who is self centered to a psychopath (think Ted Bundy). And it can get complicated further with a few twists like the altruistic N.. who does good deeds so that they will be recognized for doing the good deeds. or the mirroring narc, who mirrors their partner so well the partner thinks they are 2 peas on the same pod or soul mates. (I was guilty of that) After all how do you argue with someone who has the same EXACT values, interests, parenting styles, movie preferences, etc.. as you do. You can't it's like arguing with yourself.

Anyway, we call ourselves "The Tribe" and we do have fun... no one gets the Narcy jokes better than us... we've lived it...we can laugh about it...

And laughter is good medicine.

Hugs, and welcome.

K

[This message edited by Kajem at 10:29 PM, July 15th (Monday)]


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4026 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd rather be done.

OMG!!!! Yay!! I remember getting to this point and it was the biggest relief to realize it was true............

Party worthy announcement. I don't have the dancing smileys though.

I hope that doesn't come off as anything other than sincere because I am truly happy for you SoHurt. That news made my day.

It is like an angel got her wings.

I'll add my welcome behind Kajem.

I love this place. It is where you can get hugs and comfort and support and celebration for the long walk.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5300 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Chrysalis and CG. I'll tell you what, CG... the moment I realized I only want to be done, there was silence in my soul for the first time. I mean, no stress, no fear, no anger. Just a deep, deep need to be done and move on. I want a life. NOT the one I've been living. So thank you for your very sincere happy dance. I sure do appreciate it, because the last year has been the worst, longest nightmare of my life.

As to the trial, it started late and ran late, and by the time I got home, all I wanted to do was lay down and sleep. Testifying was really hard, and his atty is awful. He was downright cruel, and it was difficult not to let my temper out for a bit of fun with him.

"Isn't it true that you and (the man I supposedly cheated with) set Mr. XNPD up?" Seriously? I mean, seriously?? Who held a gun to his head and made him walk up to me twice and stay within yards of me for almost an hour? Who took away his self-control and kept him from leaving?? "No."

The guy even tried the whole "ask a confusing question about what I said last year and then one about 5 minutes ago and then jump back to last year, etc," to which my response was, "Wait. When did I say this?" Another confusing way of putting it, and my response is again, "When are you talking about?"

He even wanted to argue the definition of "NEAR," before the trial, because "It's not a very clear word." The prosecutor, (I love him and the arresting officer, I swear! ) says, "I think 5 feet is pretty near."

Anyway, I felt horrible about the way I testified, but the prosecutor and the officer both said I did phenomenal. I made them tell me what was so good, and by golly, they came up with some great stuff. I felt a lot better then. I made the defense atty rephrase his questions at times, and clarify when he was talking about, a LOT. My prosecutor said I kept him from having to object too much. And the officer said we were on the same wavelength about this atty. I laughed and said I saw him nodding when I wouldn't answer the stupidly confusing questions.

But, as luck would have it, we didn't get done yesterday, so I'm going to be stuck at the courthouse from 9 this morning till this is over. And I don't know if he'd be sentenced today, IF he's convicted, but I'll have much news this afternoon. Maybe I'll get lucky and it'll only take a few of my morning hours up. I can hope. Either way, this will finally be the end of the longest year ever.

And I'm looking forward to the blow-by-blow from my eyes and ears in the courtroom. Can't hear it until it's over. Dang it.


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sending Mojo for an ending today... and that you have peace either way it goes. The end is in sight... we need a dancing something or other.. THIS is cause for a party.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4026 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
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