He was "into it" but it was more like he was into himself. I was "there". You know? As in physically there, but it was as if he was checked out mentally.
The only way that I can describe it is that it was like he was masterbating with my body.
What a FREAK!!!
So my question is whether any of the wise ones here actually believe he could change this behavior?
In a word. No. They can not and will not change. You need to get to the point where you can accept this and SAFELY move on.
Wow. I am so in AWE of you. I could almost cry with PRIDE.
I cannot believe you are the same broken down helpless abused woman you once were.
You have come so FAR!! Remember when you yelled at me? I remember fondly. I knew at that moment you had the might and the spunk it was going to take to get yourself out from your NPD.
You can do it too. You just have to take that first step.
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
OC born 2001 (I didn't know)
Remarried 2008 (Happy!)
Great advice on the finding a counselor who has experience with co-dependency and PTSD.
You have to get some help wading through the destruction these N's leave behind.
Thren got out 18 years ago. I threw my N out 12 years ago and have remarried. But the scars and the damage linger.
You have come so FAR!! Remember when you yelled at me? I remember fondly.
Did ya have to tell everyone, Sadtoo? I cop to it... I yelled at her. A lot. And I wasn't nice. I feel so bad about it, but at the same time, I see that there was a fire in me that had not been quenched. I'm glad you see it fondly, because I usually blush and feel ridiculous.
Thank you for the compliments. I really feel like I've come out of hell and into a world that is mine, whatever I want it to be. Life is finally going to be something I enjoy, rather than something I tolerate until it's over. What a difference this last 1.5 years has made! I even get surprised by my own growth, sometimes.
Cant, I don't have much more advice than I gave a few posts back, but here's a great starting point I used: http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/ Her explanations are quite clear. I got quite a lot from reading this whole set of pages.
I feel so bad about it, but at the same time, I see that there was a fire in me that had not been quenched. I'm glad you see it fondly, because I usually blush and feel ridiculous
Don't you DARE feel even one bit bad!! I got that fire in you raging. You found that fight within yourself. And here you are free from that fear and abuse. You have your OWN place.
You are an amazing woman.
And yes, I had to tell.
And you're a rat.
The only way that I can describe it is that it was like he was masterbating with my body.
^^ This was the lovemaking that I accepted.
I could kick myself for this....
I am not sure if he was NPD, he certainly did not have a 'mormal' childhood. From his discriptions his father could have been NPD, XSO had medical issues as a kid, his mom had an affair with his Dr. Older brother was always in trouble... getting attention that way.
What a screwed up life I have led...
I have been very busy walling myself off from others... I don't know when I will break thru that wall.... right now it feel comfortable.
Maybe I need to do that in order to heal.
I look to sadtoo for hope!
I will say that this place became a place of community within the walls and that is powerful sharing.
It gets loud sometimes. It gets in your face personal and the details are the kind that you can't imagine sharing but when they come out and five or more people go "ME TOO" it feels less weird and it loses some of the power to hurt or close me off from people.
"Is the reference to dying typical of NPD? "
As soon as the shit hit the fan, Ex started checking his pulse regularly and claiming that my "drama" (in response to his oh-so-not dramatic affair!) was causing his heart to race. It also drained him of all his energy making him swerve on the road after work from exhaustion according to him!
He also repeatedly mentioned how much better off the kids and I would be if he died and I got his life-insurance. And then there were the times he said he'd rather kill himself by driving into a tree than hurt me! I don't think I need to say how I feel about that last statement at this point.
My Ex had a high sex drive but ZERO passion. It was something I never could understand but learned to just accept. He wanted to have sex all day every day but romance was ALWAYS nonexistent. Anything I tried to suggest or do was met with indifference or pouty-faced complaints.
He once suggested we go to an absolutely wonderful and romantic place and I made all the arrangements, shopped, packed and planned for what I thought was going to be a romantic and fun weekend without our kids (who were all 4 and under at the time!) We got there and I ate a romantic snack for one while he watched TV. I had a romantic bath in the jacuzzi in our room while he took a nap. I spent most of the weekend alone while he slept. He was wide awake and involved for meal times and sex but the rest of the time it was like I was romancing myself!
I held on to hope that as we got older he would "change" into a more involved, more romantic, caring person and less like an emotionless sex-robot. I tried everything I could think of to connect with him.
He complained over the years that I "never" (one of his favorite words) initiated sex. So I initiated more. That still wasn't enough so I kept trying to give more and more. He in turn gave less and less and eventually stopped initiating sex and pouting and complaining about the lack of sex if I didn't initiate frequently enough. When I finally confronted him he started telling me that he "built walls" because it took me so long to try to give him what he wanted. It is even one of the reasons I made him cheat. I didn't give him every moment of my life and let myself get distracted by less important people and things like our children and home that I had to manage with no help from him other than his paycheck.
Through all of this I lowered my expectations to ZERO. I figured the only way he was going to give me what I wanted was to not want anything. My expectation for fidelity was the ONE thing I couldn't get rid of so that bastard had to go. He used everything he could (including the BIBLE!!) to try to get me to accept him being with OW and me at the same time and for me to "stop causing drama by making OW an issue when she shouldn't be"...actual words from the mouth of the Great Idiot himself.
I'm so glad to be divorcing that POS.
But, my H is a sex addict and that kind of behavior is common with sex addicts. NPD traits are also common in SAs.
How much of this could be SA behavior vs. NPD behavior?
NPD's usually have other problems. I have no doubt that mine was a sex addict. He had a HUGE porn collection. He was a serial cheater. And he was also an alcoholic.
No imagination in the NPD world at all.
About the references to death, I hear them as well. He also regularly complains about a severe headache on the left side of his head. A few days after D-day, I slapped him in the face. Hard. I was in a blind fury, extremely out of my nature, but I slapped him. Hard enough to give him a black eye. I'm not proud of myself. I regret that immensely. But now he gets regular headaches on that side of his face, he even went so far as to say he thinks I broke one of his facial bones when I slapped him. He outweighs me by 100 pounds or more. It is this ongoing guilt trip, after I have apologized for slapping him. Crazy stuff.
I do not have an IC at this moment, but am contemplating it again. He lost his job 3 months ago, and I am holding us up by working a lot right now.
I can also relate to him having had a massive porn collection and addiction to alcohol. Both of these are things we have argued about many times. I remember finding "water" bottles all over the house, garage, filled with vodka. OMG, it was horrible. I still sniff water bottles if I come across one in the fridge. He has changed me.
I know I need help. You ladies who have BTDT are most awesome. Huge hugs and thank you!
He's so sickly looking now because he "Never eats anymore." He's dying too. According to him. I get shocked everytime I come to this forum.
How do we not see them for what they are? I'm going to be so much more careful going out from here on. No more excuses. I'm just numb today I guess. Just numb.
Mine never referenced dying. I'd gladly help him though!!! ANGRY today lol
My situation has taken a weird turn.
For those who don't know we had a massive bust up about 3 weeks ago. I went absolutely BONKERS on him for all that he has done and I let it all out. Had a massive go at him for the things he has done, stuff he knew I knew about and also stuff he had no clue that I knew. I should really be a detective :)
Anyway haven't seen him since. But now... and since then he's been in contact sending my cute videos and pictures of micro pigs. He always knew I liked them a lot, thought I was crazy at first. Now he 'loves them too' and is practically bombarding me with these daily. NUTS or what? I think so!
His grandad recently passed. The funeral was on Friday. I am going to give him about a week and then tell him that he needs to leave me alone.
I am a mess over it but I am detaching and getting stronger I think as I move away from the crazy. But his contact is just keeping me stuck.
It's disconcerting but typical. It is also a lure to try and hook you in again.
I am detaching and getting stronger I think as I move away from the crazy. But his contact is just keeping me stuck.
Being just an instrument for sex: During our very brief false R, I had satisfied FT and he was very content and happy. I asked what about me ??? Hello ??
He gave me a flat digusted NO. He wasn't interested and didn't care if I was satisfied because I wasn't attractive any longer.
That was the last time he would ever use me again for his own sexual satisfaction.
Those words will always hurt and have haunted me for five years. This has made it very difficult for me to be comfortable with any man. I know intellectually that he is a POS and said things to hurt me but this was personal and he knew it when he said it. POS is still haunting my NB.
I'm working on it but the damage was definitely done.
Mind you, I do have to question his motivation. It's certainly different from last time he was 'doing this'. He isn't saying he misses me all the time or asking to try again constantly like he was before I met him those three times and we had a blow out where I lost it and called him every name under the sun. I do feel a bit bad about being so verbally abusive, but I was so angry and he deserved it. Maybe he thinks there is NO chance that I would ever entertain the idea again, and he is right to think that. But if that's the case I have no idea why he's still in contact and trying to keep me on the hook?
Maybe it's to try to keep me emotionally invested whilst he keeps his options open, looking for a better model? I just don't know.
I am definitely continuing to work on breaking free. I could NEVER be intimate with him again. The thought of that makes me feel disgusting. I also know what you mean when it comes to being with another man. I haven't yet and I have no desire to for some time, but I do wonder if I will feel comfortable enough to do that and worry about what it will make me feel like.
He said horrible things to me too and they cut pretty deep. BUT try to keep in mind who THEY ARE and what they think/say to you has absolutely NO BEARING at all and could not be further from the truth.