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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men- Part 9
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, November 13th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
aesir
♂ Member
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, November 13th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First.


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, November 13th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

edited to say "2nd"!!!!
C'mon in guys!
.
.
.

[This message edited by jjct at 12:42 PM, November 13th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 6030 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
HoldingTogether
♂ Member
Member # 29429
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, November 13th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

New thread! Ok to keep everyone up to date we have mostly been discussing:
Male insecurities
Movie ideas involving BHs killing OMs
JJCT's ability to sniff out hot chicks to get pictures with
The fact that MPB's exwife seems to be kind of a bitch

That is all. Please continue the discussions at your leisure.

HT

[This message edited by HoldingTogether at 12:47 PM, November 13th (Tuesday)]


Me:BH 41
Her:FWW40(Walkinoneggshellz)
2 Beautiful little girls 13&10
Dday: 7/24/10 1yr EA turned 5 monthPA
"I gotta hole in me now... I got a scar I can talk about."

Posts: 339 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: New Life
DWBH
♂ Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, November 13th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Simple right? Yah right. Still a work in progress for me; probably gonna be a lifetime project. But hey, we seek progress not perfection, right?

Hang in there, try to relax, and for fucks sake give yourself a break once in a while. You certainly fucking deserve it. We all do.

To that, a little Vince Lombardi quote:

“Gentlemen, we will chase perfection, and we will chase it relentlessly, knowing all the while we can never attain it. But along the way, we shall catch excellence.”


Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
WontStop
♂ Member
Member # 36246
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, November 13th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NMP,
Man what HoldingTogether wrote in the previous thread is killer. Letting yourself off the hook is the best advice.

I also think that giving yourself some credit goes hand in hand with that advice. I think we men have been taught that if you do a serviceable job, then you shouldn’t be praised; you should just act as if you did nothing big. You fix a light or repair a hole in the wall, it’s just normal work and it doesn’t really count. This makes us only focus on the mistakes in life, not what you accomplished. But, really, you need to say, “Hey, I did a good job.” On all those tasks you get done, you got to take pride in it.

I know my WW never praised anything I did. She only focused on the errors or when I missed a task. I could do a great job, and I’d never hear a thing about it. But if I messed up, I’d never hear the end of it. I make mistakes, like any of us, and it would ring forever from her mouth. Of course, POSOM can do no wrong and he is such a better partner and such. It’s just BS.

You just got to take credit and get some pride in what you do. No matter what, you did not cheat, you got the job done, and you did what you had to do. This will sound stupid, but just face yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you are doing a good job. I’m not talking that “Guy Smiley” crap from Saturday Night Live where you say I’m good enough. NO, you need to tell yourself with some FORCE that you do a damned good job and you deserve some respect. You are a man who deserves respect for whatever it is you do: fishing, repairs, writing a sonnet. Do this every day and mean it as best you can. You won’t believe it at first, but over time you will start to listen. Who can you listen to if not yourself?

Like HT said, it’s not easy to do this, to believe you are worth it. We get so much crap especially now, with the A always on the mind. I’m still struggling to rebuild my self-esteem and I feel worthless a lot of times. I don’t feel man enough, especially being 5’ 6” and being a family man who is watching my wife throw it away and blame shift it all to me, even though my career is in a good place, I am a damned good father, I’m learning Kung Fu, and I’m excelling in ToastMasters. It’s all in your headspace. You believe what you are and you can change your opinion of yourself, and I definitely want to stop BSing myself that I’m not man enough and realize I’m a good man for what I can do, and not what I can’t.

P.S. Man jjct, you are living the life. I’m jealous that my D won’t happen until Summer. I hope I’m even half as pumped as you are.

[This message edited by WontStop at 1:45 PM, November 13th (Tuesday)]


D-Day 5/18/2012
Me-42 WW-46
D-13 S-9
Status: Divorced

Posts: 223 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Northern Virginia
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, November 13th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She only focused on the errors or when I missed a task. I could do a great job, and I’d never hear a thing about it. But if I messed up, I’d never hear the end of it. I make mistakes, like any of us, and it would ring forever from her mouth.

Wow, if I didn't know any better I'd say we are/were married to the same woman.

All I hear are disappointments, regrets, unmet needs, recurring drama with friends and family, how I could be doing more, blah blah blah. Sometimes I think I was born in the wrong time period. The cavemen could at least club their mates over the head when they had enough.

Legal Disclaimer - I do not condone violence :)


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, November 13th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She only focused on the errors or when I missed a task. I could do a great job, and I’d never hear a thing about it. But if I messed up, I’d never hear the end of it. I make mistakes, like any of us, and it would ring forever from her mouth.

I think that is simply being married. Mine can still tell you about when I screwed up in 1999(my not answering her call when her gram had died)but somehow cannot remember shit about her A.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5360 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, November 13th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just stopping in to say: Thanks! Been lurking since May. D-Day was March 10th,2012. Wasn't gonna post, but a couple of threads got me off my ass, primarily the "are there any faithful men out there?". Haven't had time to put a profile out there yet, but my screen name says it all. I must have KISA stamped all over my face. 5 long term relationships........yep, 4 ended with the wonderful female cheating, number 5(currently still married)decided to join the crew with her affair in March. Working on R, this is the first time I have decided to not run to the hills.
What really gets me is that after the first 3, I really tried to change the type of woman I connected with. Number 4 I helped out through grad school for her masters in social work with an emphasis in "Couples Councilling". Still trying to figure out that mindset. Is cheating now a part of the curriculum so she can better advise people how to do it better? The sad thing is that she is now being PAID to advise couples on how to overcome infidelity.
Current wife I met at the gym. I became intrigued by her story. She had an abusive alcoholic Ex who emotionally abused and demeaned her throughout the course of thier marriage. She did have weight issues, but finally decided to change her life. Got herself to the gym, lost 100lbs, started competing in body building competitions, started accepting more responsibility for her life and dumped his ass when he threatened suicide with a gun in front of the kids. Anyway, was very intrigued and began dating, felt safe, shit she taught ethics at her place of employment. Took 12 days after reconnecting with her POSOM to fuck him. This after 11 years together. Im not dumb enough to ask if there are any faithful women out there, I just got a busted picker.
Anyway, guys THANK-YOU and God Bless SI.


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2083 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, November 13th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just stopping in to say: Thanks! Been lurking since May. D-Day was March 10th,2012. Wasn't gonna post, but a couple of threads got me off my ass, primarily the "are there any faithful men out there?". Haven't had time to put a profile out there yet, but my screen name says it all. I must have KISA stamped all over my face. 5 long term relationships........yep, 4 ended with the wonderful female cheating, number 5(currently still married)decided to join the crew with her affair in March. Working on R, this is the first time I have decided to not run to the hills.
What really gets me is that after the first 3, I really tried to change the type of woman I connected with. Number 4 I helped out through grad school for her masters in social work with an emphasis in "Couples Councilling". Still trying to figure out that mindset. Is cheating now a part of the curriculum so she can better advise people how to do it better? The sad thing is that she is now being PAID to advise couples on how to overcome infidelity.
Current wife I met at the gym. I became intrigued by her story. She had an abusive alcoholic Ex who emotionally abused and demeaned her throughout the course of thier marriage. She did have weight issues, but finally decided to change her life. Got herself to the gym, lost 100lbs, started competing in body building competitions, started accepting more responsibility for her life and dumped his ass when he threatened suicide with a gun in front of the kids. Anyway, was very intrigued and began dating, felt safe, shit she taught ethics at her place of employment. Took 12 days after reconnecting with her POSOM to fuck him. This after 11 years together. Im not dumb enough to ask if there are any faithful women out there, I just got a busted picker.
Anyway, guys THANK-YOU and God Bless SI.

Edited to add, only married twice, divorced number 3 after she looked me in the eyes and told me she married me for the child support. Oops, my son and I enjoyed the 16 years she paid me!


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2083 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
nomoreplease
♂ Member
Member # 32755
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, November 13th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HT,
Thank you, your post was dead on, and exactly what I was looking for/needed to hear.

Growing up, anything less than perfection was insufficient, and failure was simply not an option. I’ve spent my entire life working harder, ‘being better,’ and proving myself to the point where I need to do it, even if just for myself. For example, when WAL listed his manly things he can’t do, I thought to myself “I can do all of those” and then he listed his things he can do and all I could think was “I can do those things, too, I just need to do some research” and I felt the need to start looking things up. Even as I write this my internal voice is telling me how ‘wrong’ I am for having to ‘prove to myself’ and I’m starting to get disgusted at myself for not ‘being better.’ Talk about a truly sick and twisted self validating thought process. I’m not ‘good enough’ because I want to be ‘good enough.’

That internal voice has been by far my biggest critic for almost 20 years. Unlike what others on here have said, pre-A my WW was actually my biggest fan (well maybe it just seems that way because I’m so down on myself?). She would often counter that internal voice, and I came to count on her to keep me up. During her A, she joined right along with that voice and boy was that tough. I have grown a lot and I no longer depend on her to counter it, but I still struggle to quiet it.

I don’t know why, but I can easily say, “they made a mistake,” “they’re only human,” or “they did their best” when it comes to anyone else, I just can’t do it for myself. Accepting my flaws, now that is definitely something I need to work on. I will do better.

[This message edited by nomoreplease at 4:05 PM, November 13th (Tuesday)]


'one walks away saying "I fought to save God's ideal," and the other must always admit, "I fought to destroy God's ideal!"'

Posts: 343 | Registered: Jul 2011
kchip
♂ Member
Member # 36365
Default  Posted: 5:32 AM, November 14th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Movie idea for POSMOM, well the ending anyway:

Man cut in two from hood of silver subaru survives 20 hours of pain and agony without first aid. Driver later acquitted of any wrongdoing.


Me: BH (42)
2 boys, age 10/7
D Day: July 15, 2012
Status: DIVORCING
You know that movie, Sleeping With the Enemy? Well I am Julia Roberts in that one......sighhhh
"When we hit our lowest point, we are open to the greatest change"

Posts: 471 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: FL
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 5:52 AM, November 14th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

5454,

Welcome brother. Really sorry you are here, but glad you found us. I lurked for a while too, as I thought everyone knew each other, didn't get all the inside jokes, but one day I said f'it and found out these are the best bunch of guys out there when you need someone that gets it.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3306 | Registered: Dec 2011
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, November 14th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DTOM is in hospital evidently, say a prayer for him guys.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5360 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
BrightWings
♂ New Member
Member # 37368
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, November 14th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

New thread! Ok to keep everyone up to date we have mostly been discussing:
Male insecurities
Movie ideas involving BHs killing OMs
JJCT's ability to sniff out hot chicks to get pictures with
The fact that MPB's exwife seems to be kind of a bitch
That is all. Please continue the discussions at your leisure.

Well, HT, and All...

I'm just joining the group now and thought I would start things off by responding to each of the aforementioned topics:

Male insecurities - have them, avoid them, tired of having be blamed for her serial infidelity and abandonment of me and my three daughters for TWO years.

Movie ideas involving BHs killing OMs - None come to mind, but I would like to star, and it would probably have to be a televisoon series as there are a lot of OMs in my story.

JJCT's ability to sniff out hot chicks to get pictures with - seriously, this is clearly a talent.

The fact that MPB's exwife seems to be kind of a bitch - it appears so, yes.

BTW guys, was it the emotional betrayal or the physical betrayal that hurt deepest?

Thanks.


Right now is not forever

Me: BS 41 (full-time single dad of three girls since Aug 2010)
WW: 41 (affairs with married men; affairs with some single men; gas lighting; TT; blame shifting; BPD)
Married 17yrs
Three girls (11, 9, 5)
Separated / Div


Posts: 9 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Vancouver, BC, Canada
ForwardMotion
♂ Member
Member # 32608
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, November 14th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JJCT's ability to sniff out hot chicks to get pictures with - seriously, this is clearly a talent

jjct's in Austin. You can't swing a dead cat without hitting a hot chick in Austin. What's really impressive is he found 4 with no visible tats. THAT took some searching I'm thinking.


me - BH

'It's not the end of everything,
It's just end of everything you know.'


Posts: 400 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Tejas
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, November 14th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What's really impressive is he found 4 with no visible tats.

You just haven't seen the back of the picture! What do you think the girl in the background on the right is staring at?


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3306 | Registered: Dec 2011
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, November 14th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You just haven't seen the back of the picture!

Exactly! I'm guessing tramp-stamps abound on the reverse side.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
stilllovingher
♂ Member
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, November 14th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wontstop:
and I’m excelling in ToastMasters

i love those things, made a grilled cheese in mine tonight for dinner


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2385 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
bluecali
♂ Member
Member # 35135
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, November 14th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BTW guys, was it the emotional betrayal or the physical betrayal that hurt deepest?

Emotional betrayal, hands down. That was possibly bested (worsted? no, wait, that's a fabric) by the post DDay lying, defensiveness, blaming me for her shitty conduct, ignoring my needs, abandoning me to swim in the lake of her shit, and all around having her head up her ass.


Me-BH
DDAY 12/1/11
Separated and uncertain

Posts: 398 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Elm Street
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