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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men- Part 9
BrideisGone
♂ Member
Member # 16460
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, December 26th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WHATS UP WITH THIS THREAD... THIS IS JUST FOR EVERYONE TO FEED ON... COME ON.... I'VE BEEN HERE A LONG TIME... THIS IS FOR THE "LOOKING BACK" ... I CAN HANDLE SOME OLD MOVIES BUT THIS IS WEAK... COMPASSION AND UNDERSTANDING... WE PLAYED THE PARTS AS WELL... "WHAT DID I LOSE".... HOW ABOUT WHAT DID I DO TO CONTRIBUTE AND ENABLE THIS ... I CREATED A MONSTER AND IT IS GONE!!. "TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE" YOU DO WHATS RIGHT... IT ALL COMES OUT IN THE WASH!!.. NO MORE HURTS, NO MORE FEAR, THEN CONFIDENCE OVERCOMES ANY BLAME OR EVEN LIES... JUST ACCEPTANCE...THAT WAY WE ARE NOT DOORMATS, REGRETFUL WHINERS, SAD AND DEPRESSED... IF SOMEONE WANTS CONTROL... GIVE IT TO EM... WORKS EVERY TIME!! YOU CAN ONLY HANDLE TERMS FOR SO LONG..( only about 4 years x 2) LIKE IT HAS BEEN SAID.. POWER DOES SOMEDAY BECOME CORRUPT... IF I LIVE FOR THE GREAT MOMENTS LIFE NEVER PASSES ME BYE.. IF I LIVE IN THE PAST.. I'M OBVIOUSLY STILL BACK THERE.. Bad things do happen with greatness... but they overcome them with determination!! I will always love my ex-wife, but can live with her.. My maintenance contract was terminated... I do not share my wife with anyone... sorry I'm a little selfish... "When the behavior is addressed... there is always consequences"... Someone once told me we can help, participate, and encourage... the rest is up to them... But I did laugh at some of these posts.. thanks.. it was good to read!!

Posts: 209 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: Minnesota
hardlessons
♂ Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, December 26th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bride, I rarely post in this thread because it is mainly a vent thread, personal issues are left at the door and a man can wail against the ridiculous and that just isn't me. I agree that it should be more, but it isn't. One of the tough things I had to learn on SI is that everybody is at a different place healing or not healing for that matter. Maybe if we posted more in here it could change the tide. Like you said
Someone once told me we can help, participate, and encourage... the rest is up to them.
So are you participating or encouraging? I know when some of the veterans post in response to our fellow man that some really great things are said. Generally the only reason I check in. You got some laughs at some of the posts, hopefully they were posts that were meant to be funny, if not that just makes you one sad dude.


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 838 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
PhatDaddy
♂ Member
Member # 35367
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, December 26th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are there any guys here who are actually in R with their wives, and want to be so?

I just discovered this forum, and have read through the 6 pages, and what I see are guys who are supporting each other in divorce and separation leading to divorce. That's cool and all, and if that's what this is, then okay. I was just wondering.


Me: BH (48)
Her: FWW (43)
LTA (2+ years)
Found out: 3-5-2012
D-day: 4-2-2012
Taking charge of my own happiness.
I've got to learn not to put my heart on a tee.

Posts: 163 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: SC
stilllovingher
♂ Member
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, December 26th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

phatdaddy,
We are around. this particular BH thread has been a bit more focused on D and sympathizing with those who are going that route at the moment.
The previous BH threads are still readable, and they are pretty awesome, givem a look if u gots the time.


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2385 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
HoldingTogether
♂ Member
Member # 29429
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, December 26th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are there any guys here who are actually in R with their wives, and want to be so?

PhatDaddy,
I am a BH two and a half years into a very successful reconciliation with a remorseful FWW. There are several of us here, as a matter of fact I do the majority of my posting on the Betrayed Men threads, just haven't had much to say lately. No news is good news I guess.

As SLH said, there are 8 other Betrayed Men threads that prefaced this one, you can still find most of them if you go back a few pages in the ICR forum. Plenty of R talk in lots of those if you want to go back and give some of em a look. It's nifty. Kind of like a time machine. You will probably begin to see that it tends to ebb and flow between more divorce talk and more reconciliation talk. All depends on which members are posting at the time.

That said, if you have something to share about Reconciliation from a BH perspective or a question to ask? Fire away my man. I'm guessing you'll get lots of feedback, discussion and support from all the guys, no shortage of opinions around this joint.

HT


Me:BH 41
Her:FWW40(Walkinoneggshellz)
2 Beautiful little girls 13&10
Dday: 7/24/10 1yr EA turned 5 monthPA
"I gotta hole in me now... I got a scar I can talk about."

Posts: 338 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: New Life
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Evil  Posted: 8:05 PM, December 26th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep, I'm here. Some good stuff going on in here. As others have stated, kinda trending towards D in here right now, but check the underlying values being espoused here. They can be used in either case.
Not as much worrying about offending sensibilities either!


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2068 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Neithan
♂ Member
Member # 35924
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, December 26th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, I'm in R, she's remorseful, and the chief issues between us are that my trust questions and trigger moments seem to actually make her shut down with genuine self-loathing at times.

Otherwise she is nearly always working to show me she has my back, the sex is adventuresome and pleasingly kinky and frequent, so I'm working on being happy day to day, and guardedly optimistic for the long run.

But her affair resulted in multiple losses of things that were precious to me and that cannot be restored, so I come here to help deal with that, and other stuff.


Me: BH
Her: WW
D-Day: 2/19/2010
Married 1981
That which does not kill me makes me more irritable

Posts: 295 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Among the Gaurwaith
Confusedmnman
♂ New Member
Member # 37913
Default  Posted: 12:21 AM, December 27th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello,I am so angry,lost,confused,and scared. I have no idea why My wife has betrayed me. I really thought she was a woman that would NEVER cheat and I know of two times EA last year with her sup, and EA/PA since march of this year with a different man (both men are married.) All of last year my wife talked about work including her sup and I had a feeling that she like him. I asked her several times and she said I was crazy and that she can't stand him, we'll our sex life was non existent and she was selfish and un caring towards me the whole year, I finally found text messages between her and a female coworker where WW described how much she wanted him and how he could not see what he had right in front
of him. I confronted her and all the gas lighting she did to me for a year then I left for a few days. I came back and we talked, she said it was just a fantasy and nothing happened between them. I demanded MC and we went for a few months and WW would not call her relationships with sup an EA nor did she inform me or the MC that she in fact made out with him several times! I had told my wife how scared I was with the thought of losing her and all that we have had for 11 years, she stated she loved me and we would work things out. Well I took her to key west for valentines day, and three weeks later she started her affair with this POSOM. I found out about this affair through my gut and investigation and confronted her on OCT 8 th. I had all the facts including his vehicle so she had no choice but to come clean....well sort of I know there is more sex and disgusting blowjobs then she is telling me about. She was so disgusting that she climbed in the back seat of his escalade and fucked him in front of an open restaurant after they got done eating breakfast! This place was next to my work as well and she sat in his SUV while my coworkers drove by (UPS drivers in there brown trucks) and that was not enough for her to stop! That POSOM wanted to rub my nose in it so to speak by doing it close to my work, he even wanted to fuck my wife in our bed! My wife says she put her foot down and said no way to that, I am not sure I trust her on that. I got all the details even the disgusting ones. Both her sup and this years OM are married, this asshole is an ugly, bald, plump, different ethnic, religion, and race ( Don't want to offend anyone but I'm not ok with that.) I can't understand my wife's choice and all I get is IDK as to why she has done what she has done. I found out from her friend the coworker rom the text messages that she and her sup did make out a couple times in an office at her postal job working the night shift, so she lied her ass off in MC and to me. She still insists that it was nothing only kissing?? Still cheating in my book. She has taken two years worth of affection and sex and emotional support away from me and acts like I should just forget about the affairs. She said she want to stay married and they she never wanted to leave me, and I call BS. She stated that she thought she was falling in love and that she now knows she was being used. I asked if that is true then where was I ? And what was going to happen to me if he loved you back? I get IDK but I was not going to end our marriage and I do love you. Well now almost 3 months since DD she is stand offish and shows no remorse, she get mad when I want to talk about it and has not gone to IC but one time. I don't know what to do, I can't stand the thought that I came in second to this POS! I can't stand the thought that I gave so much to her and her kids and she disrespected me in every way poss. she talked about me and our personal life, even told him about our sex life and sexual fantasies! What a fucking sad fact that is! But the most painful thing is letting go, and never seeing her smile or her hearing her laugh again. Never having her to talk to or have in my life. Letting go of my best friend of the past 11 years. And accepting that she was never mine nor was she my best friend, and she never deserved me! Now if anyone on her can help me let go please help! I need to divorce her..........

[This message edited by Confusedmnman at 12:25 AM, December 28th (Friday)]


Posts: 27 | Registered: Dec 2012
PhatDaddy
♂ Member
Member # 35367
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, December 27th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Confused...I am so sorry that you're having to deal with all of this crap. You're in the right place, though. It is SO hard to think that the woman you love so much is capable of these things, and it makes you wonder how well you really knew them to begin with. It is so sad. Makes you feel absolutely helpless.


But the most painful thing is letting go, and never seeing her smile or her hearing her laugh again. Never having her to talk to or have in my life. Letting go of my best friend of the past 11 years. And accepting that she was never mine nor was she my best friend, and she never deserved me!

This is truly the hardest thing....but the most necessary, at least in your mind. You have to get to a point where you can detach from her in order to see things with more clarity. Look in the articles section of the Healing Library, and click on the FAQ for BS. Rad about the 180. Study it. Know it. Then IMPLEMENT IT. You are a perfect candidate for it, and it will help you get closer to centered than you are now.

Arm yourself with information about yourself...find what makes you tick, what controls you. Is it fear? It was for me. I'm learning to control that now, and it h help immensely!

Keep reading, keep posting, and look out for yourself!

Best of luck to you. It's not easy, but you can make it!

[This message edited by PhatDaddy at 6:55 AM, December 27th (Thursday)]


Me: BH (48)
Her: FWW (43)
LTA (2+ years)
Found out: 3-5-2012
D-day: 4-2-2012
Taking charge of my own happiness.
I've got to learn not to put my heart on a tee.

Posts: 163 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: SC
PhatDaddy
♂ Member
Member # 35367
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, December 27th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a beef.

Last night, the wife and I were relaxing together and watching Pretty Woman together. I'm sure you all have seen it, or at least know what it's about. Well, the scene was playing where the Julia Roberts character was in the fancy store, getting all pampered and catered to because of the rich guy's credit card...my wife says, "That's every woman's dream!"

I say nothing.

Not long afterwards, there's a scene where she's waiting for him to get back to the penthouse, and she's wearing nothing but the necktie she got for him, sitting at the table....and he walks in. I say, "That's every MAN'S dream!"

She says, "To get that, he has to do what HE did."

I said, "That's sad."

She says, "What's sad is that men expect that!"

I said that I never said "expect", but more like "want".

She says, "Expect--want--same thing."

WTF???

I just shut up. I could see there was no point in discussing this any further, though it does have me thinking about the interesting response she had. I'm still trying to sort it all out, but I think it has a lot to do with so much of the "strong woman" stuff that's going around, kind of like the women's lib stuff from the seventies and eighties.

I think my wife's buying into that whole line of thinking, which I believe is going to bode not so well with our R.

[This message edited by PhatDaddy at 7:07 AM, December 27th (Thursday)]


Me: BH (48)
Her: FWW (43)
LTA (2+ years)
Found out: 3-5-2012
D-day: 4-2-2012
Taking charge of my own happiness.
I've got to learn not to put my heart on a tee.

Posts: 163 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: SC
hardlessons
♂ Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, December 27th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Confused, that is horrible and I am sorry your dealing with that. The hard thing to learn as a BS is that our WW fucked up choices are about them and not us. It shows how sick and in need of help they are. The fact is you just got hit by a truck so you need help too. Forget MC, can you go to IC? In the healing library there are articles on the 180 and Detachment. Read those, they will help. Good luck


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 838 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
hardlessons
♂ Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, December 27th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PhatDaddy, her comment sounds shallow as shit and if she thinks love is quid pro quo then that's a bucket of suck as well.. Have you guys read the Love languages book? I'm guessing hers is gifts...


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 838 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
PhatDaddy
♂ Member
Member # 35367
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, December 27th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HL....yeah, we read it years and years ago. Initially hers was quality time and receiving gifts, if I recall. Much about her has changed, in fact I brought that up to her during the early stages of R. When I reminded her of what her LL's were before, she said, "Yeah, that has changed."

She didn't offer up any suggestion as to what her primary was now....but I can guess.


Me: BH (48)
Her: FWW (43)
LTA (2+ years)
Found out: 3-5-2012
D-day: 4-2-2012
Taking charge of my own happiness.
I've got to learn not to put my heart on a tee.

Posts: 163 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: SC
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, December 27th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are there any guys here who are actually in R with their wives, and want to be so?

Yeah. 2+ years out. Up and down but doing well, I feel.

Last night, the wife and I were relaxing together and watching Pretty Woman together. I'm sure you all have seen it, or at least know what it's about. Well, the scene was playing where the Julia Roberts character was in the fancy store, getting all pampered and catered to because of the rich guy's credit card...my wife says, "That's every woman's dream!"

I say nothing.

Not long afterwards, there's a scene where she's waiting for him to get back to the penthouse, and she's wearing nothing but the necktie she got for him, sitting at the table....and he walks in. I say, "That's every MAN'S dream!"

She says, "To get that, he has to do what HE did."

I said, "That's sad."

She says, "What's sad is that men expect that!"

I said that I never said "expect", but more like "want".

She says, "Expect--want--same thing."

Wasn't that movie about a whore? I admit I've never seen it but that sounds kind of like how you'd expect an exchange with a high class whore to go.

Since it's the holidays it's on topic twice over - the joy is in the giving. For that exchange not to be a negotiation between whore and client, he should be pampering her without expectation, enjoying her happiness. Most of us do enjoy that. It feels good to take care of our wives, no matter how competent and confident they are. Some genetic thing, whatever. Maybe it's just being a nice guy.

This is an excellent illustration of that breakdown, though. One person turning these interactions into transactions is a big playground for resentment. If she doesn't want to get naked and play bouncy castle on her boyfriend/husband's flying buttress and parapets without getting a dollar value for it then that's pretty cut and dry. I doubt most women look at it that way and don't even want to think about it, but so it goes. Plenty of guys who do that shit too. Buy her dinner and expect a beej or something in return.

Just a sign of misunderstood priorities. If people don't enjoy spending time together, why spend any time together. Just gonna end in tears anyway.

Letting go of my best friend of the past 11 years. And accepting that she was never mine nor was she my best friend, and she never deserved me! Now if anyone on her can help me let go please help! I need to divorce her..........

Welcome, sorry to see you here.

This is a good link for you to go over:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=235051

Check out the healing library on the left. Especially the 180. If you're looking to D then the D/S forum here has a lot of good folks that can advise and support you through that also.

Immediate, short term advice - make sure you're eating right, drinking enough water, sleeping enough. Exercise helps. Avoid boozing, too much anyway if you can.

As for why she would do this? She wanted to. It's wrong and fucked up but it happened and she made the choice for it to happen.

Good luck, keep going.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7107 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
HoldingTogether
♂ Member
Member # 29429
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, December 27th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now if anyone on her can help me let go please help! I need to divorce her.........

Confused,
I imagine that wether or not anyone here can help you to let go depends a lot on what exactly it is that you mean when you say let go. If you mean help you let go of your feelings for someone you have loved and built a life with, then no I don't suppose anyone here can help you much with that. That's just one of those things that you just gotta go through to get through. Time and perspective are about the only answers for that one. If you mean letting go of the outcome, letting go of trying make your WW become somebody she just may very well not be capable of becoming? Well we might could help with that.

Look, you need to uncomplicate what seems to be a very complicated situation. You have stated:

Well now almost 3 months since DD she is stand offish and shows no remorse, she get mad when I want to talk about it and has not gone to IC but one time
.
You've also said that she continues to trickle truth you and hasn't done enough introspection or work on herself to even attempt come up with any better answers than "I don't know"
So she's stand offish, unremorseful, refuses to do the work of R and gets mad when you want to talk about these things. Does that sound about right?

Do you find this situation acceptable? Livable? Sustainable even?

I'm guessing that you don't. So in reality it really rather uncomplicated isn't it? If you can't continue living like that something's got to change. Either she needs to pull her head out of her ass and start actually investing in reconciliation or the relationship needs to end.

See? Simple. Now the complicated parts are all the feelings you both might have about those two choices. Sorry, can't help you with that one. Feelings are way to fucking complicated to unravel. Actions though, actions are often refreshingly simple and straightforward. You need to decide what it is that you absolutely must have from your WW in order to continue to be married to her. You need to communicate those must haves to her, clearly and in plain fucking English no beating around the bush. You need to let her know exactly what the stakes are: the continuation of your marriage or divorce. If she is incapable of providing you with what you need within a reasonable fucking timeframe? If she is incapable of creating a situation that you can consider acceptable, livable, and sustainable? Then you need to divorce her. It really is that astonishingly simple when you get right down to it, when you cut out the emotions and just deal with the facts.

ETA: Shit! Sorry that just cut off. Accidentally hit submit then got called to do some actual work. I'll try to wrap it up more clearly a little later.

[This message edited by HoldingTogether at 3:05 PM, December 27th (Thursday)]


Me:BH 41
Her:FWW40(Walkinoneggshellz)
2 Beautiful little girls 13&10
Dday: 7/24/10 1yr EA turned 5 monthPA
"I gotta hole in me now... I got a scar I can talk about."

Posts: 338 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: New Life
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, December 27th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Phatdaddy,

Are there any guys here who are actually in R with their wives, and want to be so?
Yep. As others have stated, this thread meanders a bit based on who gets jazzed up enough to post. It's a safe place for BM, where we can get away with saying shit that would get us admonished for generalizing in other topics
. You'll find some of the most insightful posts here as well - from guys like WAL, SLH, MPB, HL, HT. You'll get used to their names. JJCT will come by with a post that makes us R guys question our sanity and want to play chess, or become a movie director. There is an ebb and flow of topics, I use it as an escape thread. If I'm looking for advice, I usually post in general because there are a lot of wise women on this site who outpost the men 100 to 1 (see, can't say that in general ).

Confusedmnman,

What SG and HT said. If you don't like any advice you get, take what you want and leave the rest. The answers in this forum tend to be blunter than others, because these guys have BTDT. A lot of the words posted is because a collection of men JUST LIKE YOU have been able to live vicariously through the mistakes and successes of others. You don't have to get your hand burned in the fire to know that it is hot - we'll tell you that it is and you may burn yourself if you wish, but after seeing so many men burned by the same actions the conclusion is we aren't fireproof. If some advice hits you hard or makes you defensive, it's probably because it hits too close to home and you should pay attention to it.

I don't know what to do, I can't stand the thought that I came in second to this POS!

I think I've seen some reasonable explanations to this, but I haven't listened to them yet myself. I understand where you are coming from. I get when people tell me it's not about me, she was broken, yada yada yada, but for me this one is taking time as well. I'm sure it can be explained to me, but it always ends up justifying why I shouldn't feel like a loser. One thing I have learned is that the four letter word TIME helps with a lot of this shit. I'm 14 months out and still pretty raw, and I've got a fairly remorseful fWW. So if there is anything that we can't make you feel better about, just keep in mind that time does seem to help with some of the fuckedupedness. Hell, give me enough time and eventually nothing will matter. It's what I do with the time between now and when nothing matters anymore that I have to concentrate on. Sorry you are here mate.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3303 | Registered: Dec 2011
Confusedmnman
♂ New Member
Member # 37913
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, December 27th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First off thank you all for your support it really means more to me than I can express. I did not want to write a a book with my first post but there is so much more to my situation that contribute to my insanity-I really feel like I'm going crazy! With nothing coming from my wife I am so lost and confused. From the first week of finding out that ww had a EA/PA I sought out IC for inner strength to combat codependent behavior, I also went in for std testing. I insisted that ww do the same for herself and us. She has yet done std testing and only one IC. My WW fathers had Alzheimer's (15 years) and finally passed away in Sep a month before I found out about the A, and her C is stating that my wife is suffering from dep and needs a seasonal dep light? She was not having winter blues and her father was still alive while my wife was having her last year A and this years A.
Since I found out the truth I have researched every web site and every video on YouTube dealing with infidelity and how the bs and WS should behave. I have been asking my wife to tell me the truth since last year, I told her no matter what the truth is we have a chance to work through it! Even if that includes developing feelings for another person, it's the lies that I can't live with. I like a lot of spouses know right away when something is wrong, I knew she had feelings for her sup and this man long before I had proof. I tried to get her to talk and I tried to do what was right and in the end she tossed me under the buss.
After learning so much I now have a feeling that my wife has a personality defect know as narcissistic personality disorder, if that is true then there was never any hope for us....her last marriage of 11 years with the father of her 2 kids (now 16 and 21 who I take care of) ended with him holding her at gun point in the kitchen one night. He lost his mind and threatened to kill her and then himself. I was told he just lost it on his own and finally found out the truth from her 21 year old in a convo that had nothing to do with WWA. He said he was 10 but you never forget...he said his dad was yelling about her talking to other men on the computer and threatening if he can't have her then no one can! There were other incidents in our relationship that I overlooked and I lied to myself so much....I think you are right I am just now seeing my WW for who she really is and who she is is very ugly.
Like I stated I have told my wife what I needed from her and I have shown her web site after web site.....I have been doing all the talking and I actually feel like I am the one that has cheated! That is such a fucked up feeling on top of being treated like shit during her A!
I am so pissed and so hurt. Now when I try to talk about the A my wife states that our M was not good before the A..I stated there is nothing that justifies her choice! I stated I was in this M too, and I decided to fight everyday to find a way to fix the few disagreements we have, and i would never have looked to another woman to find happiness. the fights we have are petty and small but come up a lot,the fact that her kids don't clean up after themselves and toss trash anywhere including behind the couch...dishes too! Is one that comes up a lot. One time I found 8 dirty dishes piled up behind the couch and there has been piles in their bedrooms. Used food packaging behind the couch as well. They have dishes and trash to do and they never do those thing even when hey are told. I have made several list and had 3 family meetings asking them to respect me and their mom by doing their chores and cleaning up after themselves...they never listen and I ask my wife for her help and she gets upset and thinks I am coming down on her...she says they don't listen to her either ??? I said you are their mom and I can only do so much being the step dad. I also stated they don't respect me because you never show me respect. When I am not her they all talk crap about me..I have read text messages between her oldest and her about me..him running me down and she did not defend me and demand respect for me. I asked her about this and she blew it off. Theses are the things that me and my wife fight about over and over again.. And the last 2 years I was in competition with 2 other men! My wife does not understand why that would make me feel lost in our M.
Now when I talk about the A she brings up these things and states that the M was in trouble before the A anyways....fuck her logic. She seems so weak and so cruel when I think about her....also one last thing.
I work for UPS as stated. I drive semi truck over the road on a sleeper team. I did it last year and this year. This year I was not going to do it but I asked my wife for help financially or by coming up with options pertaining to a 20k back child support that my ex filed the day my son turned 18. i had to get a lawyer and fight this bogus pursuit for more money. i did not want a garnishment on my paycheck because in our union contract 2 or more garnishments can lead to termination. I informed my wife of this fact and she still denied me any help emotionally or financially, she denied me outright! Then 3 weeks later took out a car loan for her oldest son to "upgrade" to a nicer car. This just after I paid $1000.00 to have his current car fixed and it was a nice newer car that we helped him get 2 years prior..what kind of spouse does that?
So we pick our driving jobs every Dec for the next year and I chose to do sleeper team again for the extra money. I went from 90k working in town to 130k doing sleeper team. We leave Tus morn and get home Thur morning..driving down to Jacksonville fl, I then leave Fri morn and get home Sun morn driving to Louisville ky twice. So that's 2 days out 1 day home 2 days out 2 days home. With cel phones, talking, texting, and face time available and she still uses this as another reason for her A...now 3 months after DD that is. Even though it was a 40k raise in income for our family and when I am home I am always talking to her and trying to be near her. She works nights, 6 nights a week....when I am home that was the only time dinner was cooked, I would bring her dinner in bed and pack her Lunch, I would make her coffee and give her cash for drinks at work......she is also the one that denied me help whenever I needed it! She has never been a team player. The week we got married I put her on my checking account and got her a debit card, I though we were going to join accounts and work together for our dreams. She took 6 moths to change her last name and has never combined checking accounts. She seems to have always been one foot out of this marriage! I can see so much now that we are in this situation, and I still can't just walk away..... I will continue to read this site, and post, yesterday I read this site for almost 7 hours straight! It helps to be with others that really know what you are feeling. My wife has no idea what damage she has caused.....either that or she has NPD and really does not care about the damage she has caused.
Thank you all......

[This message edited by Confusedmnman at 12:43 AM, December 28th (Friday)]


Posts: 27 | Registered: Dec 2012
PhatDaddy
♂ Member
Member # 35367
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, December 27th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Confused...this is going to be the very first time that I tell someone this on this site. I mean this with all sincerity, based on what you have posted.

GET. THE. FUCK. OUT!!

There are only a handful of situations where I would even suggest such a thing, besides abuse or drugs, but....dude....this chick needs a HazMat team. She is poison for you.

Do what you feel you must, but get a lawyer. And ONE-EIGHTY. FAST!


Me: BH (48)
Her: FWW (43)
LTA (2+ years)
Found out: 3-5-2012
D-day: 4-2-2012
Taking charge of my own happiness.
I've got to learn not to put my heart on a tee.

Posts: 163 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: SC
Confusedmnman
♂ New Member
Member # 37913
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, December 27th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks phatdaddy, I think you are right.
I think of all the crap she has done and I get sick. Do you know that on our anniversary I was working so we sent each other a HA text at midnight then 4 minutes later she sent him text messages. I talked to my wife in a few text messages and made plans for us when I got home on Sun,she and the POS talked all night and day over 90 god damn text messages on our anniversary! Also talked all day and night on her birthday and mine!
Her fathers funeral was in West Virginia and she was there a week before he passed, she talked to the POS while she was there. When her father passed away it was me that made sure her kids were taken care of and got to WV for the funeral. I made the memorial for her father spending over 30 plus hours scanning photos and putting it to music. I made copies for her brothers and her fathers sister and brother. I made a canvas portrait and framed it for the memorial and made two copies and framed them for WW brothers so they could have a copy of this military photo of their dad. The funeral was on Sun and her son had to be back in college on Mon, there were no returning flights on Sun so I flew us three one way, rented a one way car rental and drove us back 1000 miles on Sun after the funeral to get her oldest back on time. I spent 3k dollars and all that time honoring my WW father and supporting my wife. That Mon my wife returned home, I picked her up at the airport and she was a mean nasty bitch to me. I returned to work on Tus and she started in with this POS right away. The next week my wife wanted me to take 2 personal days off to be with her (turns out not for affection or sex, just to pretend she needed me) so I did. We have not had sex for over a month in a half at this time (and only 4 times this year as of Sep, including no sex on her key west vacation I took her on in Feb ) because she had every excuse under the sun, and then her dad passed away. I returned to work Thur and Fri told WW to use her last years x-mas gift that I got her ( a day at a nice spa) I said it might help you relax. I then asked her if we might be intimate on Sun when I get home, she kinda ignored the req but then said she might just do that. Well she did the spa and Sun morn I woke her up and we made love.
I found out now that she went to the spa after she met the POS at a hotel near our home. She fucked him and not 24 hours later she was "letting" me (her husband) go down on her and make love to her! WTF is that? She could not wait a day for sex (with her giving,caring husband), she could not appreciate all that I did for her father and her family and her just 2 weeks prior.
There are so many examples now of WW mistreatment that I can see so clearly. It really is so sad to be used and abused. I am a strong man, I am a good man, I can do just about anything and I am always there for WW and her kids. It don't matter if we are fighting or if the kids did not do what they needed to do...if they need my help I will put my feelings aside and help them all. I paid for most everything for most of the marriage even though my wife makes over 80k a year herself!
Like I stated she took forever to change her name, and she still has not changed it at her work. They still know my wife under a different name all together.
Now remember she works with this POS and she still is working there! I told her she needs to switch jobs in the Post office even if that means being a letter carrier. That is one deal breaker. I have given her time and requested that she call me on her breaks and lunch. She complied for a week then stated she no longer wants to because the A comes up and just upsets her when she has to return to work. She does not get that her being there with POS is like stabbing me in the back every night she is there. 3 months since DD she still has not looked Into changing jobs. I told her I don't care if that means quitting the damn job, I have lost you to 2 men from there already, 2 that i know of. I will still be making over 90k a year working in town I think we will be fine financially if you need to quit, our marriage will not be if you decide to stay! She don't get my feelings on her staying in the same building as POS.
I don't get why I am still holding on after I finally see all these things and so much more.
I am a young attractive looking 41 y/o that makes a good living and I know how to treat a wife and raise children. WW oldest was struggling with college and his future, he wants to finish and make a lot of money. I told my wife's son it is not how much money you make that matters, it's how you spend it and who you spend it on that makes you a man. My wife and her kids, and my kids ( both grown now ) are who I have spent my time and money on, and for that I am proud of myself.
Thanks again for letting me talk.....it helps so much to get theses feeling out!

[This message edited by Confusedmnman at 10:24 AM, December 30th (Sunday)]


Posts: 27 | Registered: Dec 2012
PhatDaddy
♂ Member
Member # 35367
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, December 28th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't get why I am still holding on after I finally see all these things and so much more.

The million dollar question that only you can answer.

Get the book The New Codependency. Read it. You will see a lot of yourself in it. You may find keys to help you break out of this funk you're in, and probably have been a good portion of your life, as I have.

You sound like a great guy....very generous, loving and nurturing....but it also sounds like-as I did- you're trying to "love" this woman back into the M, and you're trying to "fix" everything on your own.

You need also to implement the 180 RIGHT FUCKING NOW. You will only become more frustrated and crazy if you don't.

Get a grip on who you are as a man, as a human being. You have gone so far over what you should have to put up with concerning this very unremorseful WW of yours....at some point you are going to have to put your foot down.

I know it's hard...we all do. But it must be done if you want any peace in your life....peace in yourself.

Book and 180. Those are your first two baby steps.

Do it now.

Here for you, man.


Me: BH (48)
Her: FWW (43)
LTA (2+ years)
Found out: 3-5-2012
D-day: 4-2-2012
Taking charge of my own happiness.
I've got to learn not to put my heart on a tee.

Posts: 163 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: SC
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