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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men- Part 9
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, January 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PhatDaddy -

Forget about what she wants

This. All of what SG said.

I would add that in general after any W's A but specifically in the your case given your W's behavior you and your children are your only concern. That doesn't mean be an A-hole to your W. Biologically still the mom and will be in their lives somehow, but regarding your relationship with her emotionally - Fuck her.

Regarding the ring. I am a year out and R is going well, I still don't wear my ring. I don't know if I ever will again. I just don't like the thing and I never did. My W just has to deal. It's my choice and she can choose to leave if that is a deal breaker for her. See, if that is the candy ass reason for her to leave then I think I am better off without her. We talked it through an all, but my call. It's yours too.

Lawyer...180..

In that order. My two cent....

[This message edited by wert at 7:39 AM, January 11th (Friday)]



Posts: 1364 | Registered: Jan 2012
Maxiom
♂ Member
Member # 26001
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, January 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PA

New Beginnings is often littered with thoughts like this from both men and women.

It’s quite common. You have been thrust into unfamiliar territory and that make you uncomfortable. My advice and the advice I have given others is getting comfortable in the dating game is a matter of practice.

You don’t have to exude confidence, but you simply must be comfortable. If you aren’t it women will pick up on your discomfort through your body language. Which is not a particularly attractive trait. I am not saying you go out on dates. It doesn’t sound like you are ready for that anyway. That doesn’t mean you can’t start practicing getting comfortable.

The best place to do that is where you talk to women who have a financial stake in making you feel good about yourself. My favorite place for this is the scent counter at any major retailer. The people at these counters are usually women and often quite attractive. Usually, they are going to shamelessly flirt with you. You know they are only thinking of the sale, but its going to make you feel better anyway. However, why not practice flirting back? By practice I mean.. not breaking eye contact, don’t look down, don’t slouch.. don’t cross your arms.. don’t lean in.. don’t fidget. Its all in an effort to stop being nervous.. by recognizing all those nervous ticks we have and at least try to a stop to them. Even if you fail at flirting.. or controlling that nervous behavior, simply by trying.. simply by being there.. you will gain a little more comfort. Do this again until you find yourself getting more comfortable. Then you move on to areas outside your comfort zone and repeat.


Me: FBS/WS 41
Her FWS/BS 41
My DDay - March 10, 2007 Whole Truth - May 2007
Her DDay - March 2, 2011
True NC March 3, 2011

Posts: 435 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Canada
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, January 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The best place to do that is where you talk to women who have a financial stake in making you feel good about yourself. My favorite place for this is the scent counter at any major retailer. The people at these counters are usually women and often quite attractive. Usually, they are going to shamelessly flirt with you. You know they are only thinking of the sale, but its going to make you feel better anyway. However, why not practice flirting back? By practice I mean.. not breaking eye contact, don’t look down, don’t slouch.. don’t cross your arms.. don’t lean in.. don’t fidget. Its all in an effort to stop being nervous.. by recognizing all those nervous ticks we have and at least try to a stop to them. Even if you fail at flirting.. or controlling that nervous behavior, simply by trying.. simply by being there.. you will gain a little more comfort. Do this again until you find yourself getting more comfortable. Then you move on to areas outside your comfort zone and repeat.

Wow. That's brilliant.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7116 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
NonPiuTormento
♂ New Member
Member # 38087
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, January 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's a good point and idea.

Maybe, too, there's a Hooters restaurant nearby, or a sports bar where the waitresses are young and hot. Not only will you get some practice in, you get to watch sports and enjoy the views.


"Banana puddin' and rough sex." -Phil Robertson

Posts: 15 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, January 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maxiom,

I agree with SG, that's a brilliant idea. I'm not in NB, but that's good advice right there.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3305 | Registered: Dec 2011
Mypoorboys
♂ Member
Member # 33169
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, January 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Everyone, your favorite, 'realist'! MPBs is here.
PA!
Women are like a box of chocolate. All different, yet all look basically the same on the outside.
My suggestion to you! Try to look into them. Through their eyes, not their boobs. Show confidence; speak direct, slowly, make and keep eye contact. Listen, of course, you may not hear a word they say, but at least pretend.
Then decide, who, what where and go have fun. Be respectful, honest, but DON'T lay your heart on your sleeve.
DON'T talk about your ex. DON'T talk about your kids.
You'll do just fine.
Phat!
STOP ALREADY!
We all hear what you are saying. In my honest, personal opinion, (granted, biased, very biased), You Are Being, 'SET UP'!
Heed the advice of many here.
Get counsel.
PLEASE! separate yourself financially from her NOW! not tomorrow, but NOW! Call your credit card companies and remove her name immediately!
Cancel any joint accounts, except leave one to pay common bills. Cancel her cell phone account, if you are paying for it.
Turn the table on her man, politely, calmly, but turn it and turn it now.
If your state does support Adultery laws, then PLLLEEAZE! sue her ass!
You will need proof of the affair, but do it.
Be the Father, the man, and give your boys the respect that they desire and they need to give to you.
You already said the correct things; don't bash the Mom. Ignore the nasty comments and concentrate on being with the boys.
DON'T stay in the same bedroom with her another night, ever!
She can accuse you of rape, get a restraining order against you, resulting in a court appearance and a criminal record.
Stay clear of her, don't talk to her, unless about the kids. Don't let it get inflammatory, she could call the cops.
Tell her to leave! How's that one? You did nothing wrong. Let her leave the house, who cares where and if the door hits her in the ass on the way out, TFing Bad!
Grow some balls man! Most of us here have been deeply hurt by this shit handed to us and we have lent a hand and picked each other up, slowly and cautiously, but now alot stand on their own; me, jjct wert, StillGoing and many more.
We hear your pain, your story, now heed our honest, sincere advice.
No more stories, just solutions my friend and by all means, stop pretending and take the frigging ring off, doesn't look or feel good on you at this point anyway!
We don't live to lie and we don't lie to live.
MPBs

Posts: 176 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New Brunswick, New Jersey
Maxiom
♂ Member
Member # 26001
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, January 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks.. but I think its more common sense than anything. For example.. what would be the advice for someone who had to start public speaking? Yeah.. there are courses and there are tricks and tips to get one through the odd public speaking engagement. However, if this were now a regular part of someone life, then the only way to conquer ones fear or to just get comfortable is through practice. Start small then do it often then work your way up to the big crowds. Be prepared and thus you will have fought 80% of the battle to being comfortable.

Maybe, too, there's a Hooters restaurant nearby, or a sports bar where the waitresses are young and hot. Not only will you get some practice in, you get to watch sports and enjoy the views

Not a bad plan. Go on off peak hours since they’ll have more time to talk.. Just talk to your waitress beyond your food order. Half the time they make it easy for you anyway by starting some small talk. I have found they are generally receptive to a little flirting. Why not? If they turn it on a little bit, then more often than not will get better tips. (Hell.. a friend of mine left a $12 tip on an $8 food order cause the waitress was very “friendly”).


Me: FBS/WS 41
Her FWS/BS 41
My DDay - March 10, 2007 Whole Truth - May 2007
Her DDay - March 2, 2011
True NC March 3, 2011

Posts: 435 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Canada
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, January 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sure, it is common sense but it's part of a realm of thinking that is totally alien to a lot of us guys who have been locked into a mindset that excludes thinking of other females as available for titillating conversation. It's hard to even get into that mode of thought. Like, effective ways of killing people with a bowie knife would probably involve practicing up-thrust stabs into a frozen cow or hog carcass but it's just not something the mind of someone who was predominantly passive or pacifist goes to, as much sense as it makes. It's like an "Oh! That's.. fuck, I should have thought of that!" moment.

Now, since I am still married and intend to remain loyally so, titillating conversation with titillating women to whom I am not married is not something I will engage in as there's really no good reason for it and my head was never there in that space. Now, however, the obvious has been laid out and I totally grok said method despite it lying outside my particular mental idiom.

Like, here. I love to play Star Wars: The Old Republic. There are things that I pick up as obvious because I've been gaming a long time, so while there's a sniper up on a wall and you can't force leap because he's in cover, there are two obvious solutions depending on your exposure to player vs. player in video games: either you run up the ramp, trying to use as much Line of Sight cover as possible to reduce incoming fire which doesn't fucking matter because it's a goddamn SNIPER and she's just going to blow your head off unless you have cooldowns ready, OR you use a stun and disable that cover long enough to force leap up at it.

Or, less specific to any particular game and a good practice for PVP anywhere is to stack stuns in such a way that you make someone use their break free ability and immediately slam them with the real stun you wanted to use. It's a way to control the flow of a fight.

Someone who just likes to run around and punch rabbits, they use the same kind of abilities but in an entirely different mindset. So it's like that. Also, titillating.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7116 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, January 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wouldn't be a men's thread if Star Wars didn't come up periodically


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, January 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lol lol lol Now hooked on Halo 4. FWW thought it would be a good distraction for triggers. Never thought the grunts could so resemble the OM. I know, I know, its only in the really down times. Now the Elites however.......


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2071 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
PanicAttack53
♂ Member
Member # 34195
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, January 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys for the advice. I'm gonna give it a try this weekend.

Maxiom, yeah I guess this is common sense and I liked the public speaking analogy. I use to run my own biz and had to do a lot of PS in it.

I had an IC session today and I talked about this. What I discovered is that my main problem now is that I'm still in "appropriate boundary" mode like I was during my M. I didn't go out of my way to strike up conversations with women then because I knew it would be out of bounds with-in the context of my M.

So for me right now it's a matter of my subconscious telling me that what I'm doing (e.g., talking to women) is still wrong because I'm still stuck in that mode. Geesh, this shit gets more convoluted and confusing every day.

Like I said, I'm gonna try and put some of this advice into action this weekend. Both the fragrance counter and Hooters ideas should offer me a no risk way of trying it out. I'll try and post back with an update on what happened. Knowing me, it could be interesting fodder for another discussion on this.


Me-BH Her-XWW | B/ 60 | D final on 10/1/13 I'm Lovin' life again!
Rest of the story really doesn't matter any more.
“Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have.” ― Eckhart Tolle

Posts: 868 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Midwest
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, January 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yeah, go on and try this that or the other approach. I've always been a fan of weddings, myself, but how bout this?
Approach yourself.

Sit somewhere
and calculate the dreams
you only dare to share before sleep.
Do it in daylight
with your frontal cortex companion.
Be easy in your skin, enjoy the plumbing of your contradictions.
Do it till your butt's sore and you don't remember how long you've been sitting there and you've got to move.

Perfume counters collapse
in the presence
of one
so knowing,
so self contained.
So sure that he's on the path.

The journey from the brain to the heart is different for everybody.
Go find yours.

NonPiuTormento))) welcome here


Posts: 6025 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
stilllovingher
♂ Member
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, January 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jjct,

i enjoyed that one.
thanks.


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2385 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
NonPiuTormento
♂ New Member
Member # 38087
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, January 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay...for you--like me-- of the less cerebral bunch...

There once was a PanicAttack,
Who wanted so much to get back.
He hung out with hotties,
With tight, foxy bodies,
And Junior then took up the slack.

[This message edited by NonPiuTormento at 9:13 PM, January 11th (Friday)]


"Banana puddin' and rough sex." -Phil Robertson

Posts: 15 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, January 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I keep hearing this "Gentlemen" song on Octane and my star wars saturated mind keeps fucking with the lyrics. So here.

"Sith Lord"

I got a Death Star, say bye-bye Alderaan
Blow it up sure, We'll just switch it back on
The rule of two says, me and my apprentice
But we don't care cuz we train others up in secret
My only job is to kick all your asses
And be so badass that the bar just falls down and crashes
Sure get mad fine, that's what I thrive on
your fear and anger, they really turn me on

'cuz when you're lightside girls don't care,
save the planet it ain't fair
They end up runnin' away, hey hey
They don't want a light side guy
So force choke 'em and make 'em cry
And feed it into your hate, hate hate

Girls don't want a Jedi Knight
They say they do but in the night
Girls don't want a Jedi Knight
They want a Sith Lord like me
Girls don't want a Jedi Knight
and if you want to make things right
Girls don't want a Jedi Knight
You'll take the darkside like me


I'll show you lightning
comin' out of my hands
I'll stab your parents
With a lightsaber brand
I'll make you like it
with a wave of my hand it's a mind trick mind fuck force power yeaaaaaaaaaaah
'cuz when you're lightside girls don't care,
save the planet it ain't fair
They end up runnin' away, hey hey
They don't want a light side guy
So force choke 'em and make 'em cry
And feed it into your hate, hate hate

Girls don't want a Jedi Knight
They say they do but in the night
Girls don't want a Jedi Knight
They want a Sith Lord like me
Girls don't want a Jedi Knight
and if you want to make things right
Girls don't want a Jedi Knight
You'll take the darkside like me


I used to be all light side
but that don't get you anywhere
Now I'm a dark side badass Sith
who just doesn't care


Girls don't want a Jedi Knight
They say they do but in the night
Girls don't want a Jedi Knight
They want a Sith Lord like me
Girls don't want a Jedi Knight
and if you want to make things right
Girls don't want a Jedi Knight
You'll take the darkside like me
Girls don't want a Jedi Knight
They say they do but in the night
Girls don't want a Jedi Knight
They want a Sith Lord like me
Girls don't want a Jedi Knight
and if you want to make things right
Girls don't want a Jedi Knight
You'll take the darkside like me

___


Okay I think I managed to vent enough nerd into the net that I can go a few days without mentioning star wars or LOTR or something.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7116 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
stilllovingher
♂ Member
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, January 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nice

prolly more true than not.


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2385 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, January 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Starting to wonder if this is headed to John Ringo or Terry Goodkind. From no more torment to a celebration seemingly of the dark master of the Sith. How much longer until someone mentions Darken Rahl?


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2071 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
NonPiuTormento
♂ New Member
Member # 38087
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, January 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And now, a word from our sponsors...

Indifference. What a paradoxical word; a caring person who doesn't care. A caregiver who just can't seem to muster the emotion that has kept them tied to another for eons. The need to impress, gone. The effort to show affection and love, no more. The desire to show that one special someone that they are their universe, a vanishing vapor, a mist dissolving in the sunlight.

What do you do when indifference finally rears its head? Not a phony indifference, but a solid, true, and honest indifference. The kind that kind of takes you aback, wondering what the hell has happened to you? Where is this compassionate man that would lay down his life for the woman he loved, sacrificing his own comfort to make comfortable the lady that he vowed to love until death? Where is the man that put himself last on the needs list, the man that strived to do everything in his power to make sure that he was everything that his wife would ever need and want?

Attrition. The slow, arduous wearing down of a man's self respect, his dignity, his power...gone. Gone at the hands of a lover so cunning, so bewitching, so smooth with words and adept at manipulation. Beautiful to behold, yet like rotten flesh beneath.

Realization. Of a love that died long ago, when you weren't looking, or too busy trying to be perfect for her to notice. Of a woman that has changed so dramatically, yet so deftly that even she may have been unaware. Of the fact that every man has worth in the eyes of God, that he has value, and talents beyond measure; that God did not intend for man to crawl upon his belly, to be trod upon by those he endears. Of a time when a man must rise up from the ashes of defeat, shoulder his responsibilities to those who truly love and need him, and fight...fight for his beliefs, his values, what is good and right, for his integrity, and--above all else--his self respect.

Indifference. One of the loveliest words known to the betrayed. A word that means freedom from opression from those who would do you harm. A shield from the darts of self-doubt, guilt, manipulation.

It showed up in my life tonight, and I welcomed it with open arms. Thank you, God.


"Banana puddin' and rough sex." -Phil Robertson

Posts: 15 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, January 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How about this, indifference, the ultimate gift from the betrayed to the betrayer. I give you the gift, the freedom to be who you wish to be. No matter the past, no matter the years of investment in which I attempted to be nourishment for your growth, I choose to let you go and be the person who you ultimately choose to be.

As such, I wish you as much future personal growth as is possible for you. It is no longer my concern. I wont look for, care nor even seek out knowledge of your future progress. Your decisions are just that, yours. As such, please do not seek my approval, nor opinion for such. In your growth, you have progessed beyond my capability to advise, give approval or consent. I wish you well in your endeavors.

Frankly my dear, I don't give a shit, leave me alone!


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2071 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 12:04 AM, January 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry guys, just enough adult beverages to get pissy. Really? My fifth f'ing bad pick? WTF? I always have to find and fix the wounded sparrow? Damn, this KISA/co dep shit has got to stop. With your help, and the stuff I am able to pick out of the other threads I actually see some hope.

F'ing A, find a woman in Psych classes trying to help my son recover from #3 and she turns into number 4. Great, help her(#4) pay for her MA in social work with an emphasis in MC and she cheats? Now she is the only insurance approved IC/MC within an hours drive? Wow, I wish this crap translated into the ability into picking Powerball or Megamillions numbers. Simple, find what I think is right and do the exact opposite.
Find #5 at the gym while hanging out with the aforementioned son. She has completely turned her life around. Dumped her abusive alcoholic husband, lost 100#'s and is moving up in her job despite a high school diploma only. Why in the hell would I ever think to ask if she had been molested through childhood. At what flipping point do you ask if her parents literally never loved her? Why do I feel stupid for not asking how she filled that emotional void? How in the f do I realize that she started to use sex to fill that void w/POSOM when she was 12 and he was 17 or 18. Why am I expected to ask about POSOM's cousin, who she had a threesome(POSOM was the other guy) with at 14 Why did the POSOM's cousin(same guy in 3some) initiate a fishing trip last night? How do you ask about the 15 year older man that she moved in with, literally across the street from her parents, when she was 15.

The only time she ever knew her dad loved her was when his(Dads) AP told her and she(dads AP) lived NEXT DOOR to Mom and Dad. Why is it my responsibility to find out that at 16 she traveled with a band and the guy she was with was 36? We just came back from a funeral for her aunt, and the discussion on the way home revolved around how her uncle molested her at 4?

Why can't people just be authentic and let you know who they really are before you fall in love? Damn, she's willing to work hard, but without IC (Remember #4?), I'm scared. I really think this one is worth the risk!(I've been right so many times after all).

Why do I think Jerry Springer would pay a lot for my story?

Aaaaah, that felt good. Got nowhere else to go with my story. Just wait till I get into my FOO issues. Who in the hell would believe me?

Thanks for listening, or at least letting me vent! Time for the last adult beverage of the evening. Gotta play Halo 4 with the 7 year old in the morning and I wanna see who the grunts and elites resemble tomorrow!

Thanks for letting me join. Stay strong!

ETA Oh yea, she( #5) taught ethics at work, and when she told me about her BFF's husbands affair she almost puked because it disgusted her so much. Damn, why would I ever have felt she would never have an affair?

[This message edited by 5454real at 2:03 AM, January 13th (Sunday)]


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2071 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
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