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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men- Part 9
Mypoorboys
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Member # 33169
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey StillGoing!
WTF are you gnawing on man?
Holy S! Had to put my head in a vice to stop the spinning after reading your blog. Lmao.
As for the references to women justifying their adulterous behavior due to men watching porn, 'how ridiculous'!
Who the F cares if women or men watch porn.
I've said this over and over again on this forum, (now well over 1.5 years), 'these people; men and women are basically, 'Sociopaths'. They can justify any behavior since they only see the world through their own selfish, narcissistic eyes.
Certainly, there are situations that may merit such behavior, but here, on this forum, we are assuming that our fellow, betrayed male counterparts are faithful and basically righteous people.
Bottom line always is and will be, 'cross over and make that decision to do some other person', you are an adulterer. That is a fact and there usually are substantial consequences to the decision.
End of story.
MPBs

Posts: 176 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New Brunswick, New Jersey
spareparts
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Member # 33434
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gentlemen...

Hello, I am a lurker and reader usually but figure I would endevour to relay my latest exploit to a crowd who would essentially understand where I was coming from and idelaly either agree with me or provide manly reasons why not, rather than all those lovey dovey feelings stuff that I have been dealing with!

So lets backup, 20 months ago my XWW started an affair with her older colleage, after giving her 6 months to try and work things out, she moved out and left me on boxing day 2011, she begged me to take her back the same day. 2 more months of false R and her pining for the OM I asked for a divorce and initiated proceedings. She started dating OM openly and involving him in our kids lifes, shortly before she moved out, OM dumped her... I got all the apologies "we can work things out" etc etc, I went a long with it as I really wanted to keep my family together. She insisted on contiuning to move out and me buy her out of our house, so I insisted on continuing with the D. Within a week of her moving out my 7 year old told me that "OM stayed over last night". So I endured 2 months of him living with my kids. He eventually went back to his BS and contuinued on his merry way. XWW again wanted to try again, this time I was not so keen and continued with the divorce. She would spend lots of time trying to show me how much she wanted me, which culiminated in me being informed that she was on a dating website, showed real commitment... We were already divorced, for 2 months so none of my concern, off you go have fun..

She essentially gave me custody all over christmas and I spent pretty much the 2 week holiday with my kids, whilst she supposedly spent it on her own, however I suspect there were dates and things going on.

I had given myself a timeline of til the end of last year to allow her to make some effort to prove she was able to change, but she didn't and so come the start of the new year I ventured out on a date, I mean come on divorced 4 months, 19 months after D-day, seperated almost a year... I felt I'd done my time, lets see what is out there!

After 1 "sucessful" *cough* date, I agreed to see the young lady again, on this 2nd date however my XWW had decided she wanted R with me and now was the time. Obviously I was out and this did not go down too well.. XWW broke into my house, trashed my things and scratched my lovely new convertible Police were call, XWW was arrested, charged and cautioned (slap on the wrist essentially). Well I'd decided I didn't need the hassle told the girl from the date as much and went about my merry way after receiving a whole load of verbal abuse from XWW and restrictions on seeing the kids, which was soon lifted after she realised she had no one else to get them whilst she was working....

So now after all that XWW decides she still wants R, tells me so, and as you can imagine I was less than thrilled at this stage and wanted to think about it. Aparently because I wanted some time to decided if I should let the lying cheating bitch who essentially tried to destroy my life back into my life, this meant I wasn't interested. So she hooked back up with OM just a day later, commitment at its finest! Though 3 days after that she is telling me she loves me...

Last night I dropped the kids off, she asked if we could talk, I should've left at this stage, but I was in my shorts on the way to the gym and it was snowing outside so figured at least I'd be warm... OM stayed over the night before, it was me she wanted though and we could make it work. However because I had been on my date (she knew already) and she suspected i'd gotten lucky, because lets be fair i'm that irresistable, not being one for lying, and any other answer I said would've been taken as yes anyway I admitted to it. Now ironically she is acting as though I had an affair and betrayed her! I mean, we weren't together, she was out on dates, she was sleeping with OM, but because I was moving on with my life I'm the bad guy? Sheesh.

She did make me feel guilty as though I had ruined any chance of R. Til I left, and then started laughing, R? Really? whilst she is sleeping with OM still?

So my point... maybe too soon to be dating, but hell spending time with an attractive woman who is into you? Well that makes an awesome change. But was I right to feel guilty, for all of about 5 minutes til reality kicked in? I'm disappointed as all I wanted from D-day til a few months back was a proper chance at R. I suspect that in reality it would only be if i did it her way, bowed to her selfish needs and gave her what she wanted. I'm not that guy any more, I'm a much better and stronger one.

Cheers for listening I just wanted to get it out somewhere, erm manly? Just don't talk sports ok, I don't do sports, oh unless its Rugby, coz thats a proper game!

SP


Posts: 515 | Registered: Sep 2011
StillGoing
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Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

spareparts... man, not too soon to date at all.

Your ex is what's fucking that all up imo. I think you need to find a way to halt any non-parent related communication with her.

You've been divorced for months, she's continued to fuck anything that moves a day before trying to make nice with you, throws a tantrum by fucking anything that moves after you show signs of hesitation, vandalizes your home, takes your children away until she realizes she can't afford a paid sitter... she doesn't want R, she wants a meal ticket. Don't feel guilty, just gtfo of there.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7107 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Drew_n_Va
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Member # 31043
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bout time I joined in. Been reading in here for almost two years. I'm sure most of you know my story so I won't regurgitate it again. It's really just the same old shit anyway....just wrapped in my own personal package.

Anyway...just answering the roll call for the first time. Long overdue but there it is.

[This message edited by Drew_n_Va at 8:46 AM, January 23rd (Wednesday)]


Me: BH 50
her: fWW 41
Married 19 years
3 Beautiful Kids (14,8,6)
D-Day: 1-26-11
Status: Reconciled
"From Happy to Separated to Divorcing to living together again in 16 Days."

Endeavor to Persevere


Posts: 424 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Va
64fleet
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Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, spareparts, a WW's hypocrisy knows no bounds.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
RyeBread
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Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, spareparts, a WW's hypocrisy knows no bounds.

At the risk of alienating the female population I have an observance I'd like to make, 2x4 me if needed.

Does it seem that we betrayed men have to deal with a completely different animal than the betrayed women have? Hell, we have our own special thread. It seems women are very hell bent on being right most of the time so when a WW is confronted by her infidelity its much harder for her to accept her fuckupedness than a man would. In all fairness I'm not saying there aren't men out there like that, but the female dynamic expect men to take the majority of the responsibility for things.

Maybe it's just my situation and I'm not trying to bash women but I see that trait in a lot of women I know.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
wonderingbull
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Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SP....

I went through a similar song and dance with the ex... She was talking out of both sides of her mouth... My ex was so "crazy" when she thought I was dating someone that she crawled through the doggie door and stole my dog at gunpoint....

Yep, cops called and nothing really but a slap on the wrist...

I finally told her if there was anymore tantrums I'd get a restraining order on her... It would ruin her professionally...

Best thing you can do is remove the drama... The drama is her... Detach and be done my man...

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5893 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
dday3302011
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Member # 32043
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@ryebread,

Yes absolutely there's a difference in how a lot of men and women view affairs. I once called it the Feminist Affair Recovery Complex (FARC), as opposed to Columbian terrorists FARC, although they both like to take hostages, the feminists main ones being your balls and any sense of self. They are the people who like to look at affairs through the lens of complete and utter lack of accountability for one's own actions. My xWW and our MC used to tag-team me on this shit. Loved to talk about all of the ways I wasn't "meeting her needs" prior to the affair.

Not that xWW ever communicated her needs, or even knew what her needs were. The lying, cheating, deception, carnage, and abuse? Well that's what happens when you don't "meet her needs" I guess. Wish I knew that going in.


the female dynamic expect men to take the majority of the responsibility for things

Exactly. That's what FARC does and what most women on this site don't do thankfully. Go over to the Wayward forum and watch one of these FARC-types wander in there and say something like "if my husband only tried to make more of a connection with me, I never would have had the affair". She'll get pimp-slapped, mostly by other women.

That being said, sadly, there seems to be a type of WW who has affairs that we see a lot on these boards. Not all of them mind you, but it's a recurring theme here on the men's thread: She's very passive-aggressive, avoids confilct, doesn't communicate well, she's secretly very resentful, doesn't know what she wants, and would never tell you if she did because she thinks that you should be able to know what she wants without her telling you. She also can compartmentalize and justify almost anything in order to get what she thinks she wants. Additionally she bases all of her decision making on feelings, not thoughts or reason.

Anyone recognize her? Yeah I thought so.

There are many cases of BH's that aren't dealing with WW's like I just described but in my opinion, the majority of BH's on this thread are married to a very similar type of person.

People like that live a life of blame. They like to "feel" accountable, not "be" accountable, because they really don't have a clue as to what accountability is. They've never been asked to be accountable, until they got caught on some other dude's hog. Why would this situation be any different than they way they've lived their entire lives? Blame someone else, try to get consensus and understanding that it wasn't their fault, and move on.

Finances ruined? Kids distraught? Marriage wrecked? Husband emotionally devastated? Welp, she wasn't "getting her needs met" in the marriage. What did we expect?

[This message edited by dday3302011 at 1:59 PM, January 23rd (Wednesday)]


BH-41 (me)
xWW-42
M 11yrs, together 14
DDay 3-30-2011
2 kids, 9 & 7
1 yr LTA w/MOM
Divorced 5-16-2013

Posts: 235 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Northeast
StillGoing
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Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does it seem that we betrayed men have to deal with a completely different animal than the betrayed women have? Hell, we have our own special thread. It seems women are very hell bent on being right most of the time so when a WW is confronted by her infidelity its much harder for her to accept her fuckupedness than a man would. In all fairness I'm not saying there aren't men out there like that, but the female dynamic expect men to take the majority of the responsibility for things.

wrt to the thread thing, that's more like minority protected status. Yeah, we all go through the same stuff but the lone betrayed penis surrounded by seemingly endless fields of betrayed vaginas gets uncomfortable, so there's the BOYS ONLY GTFO comfort zone. There's a ladies only also but imo unless I forgot to take my meds and on a tear there's a lot fewer male responses in general so it seems like the ladies only is more of a nod to equality. Which is good, very good, just, you know. I don't care about Julia Roberts or Fireproof or wtf wrinkles (actually I like the slowly developing wrinkles in my wifes face, they're like a word that means TO BRING OUT, MAKE MORE STARKLY OBVIOUS for other features like her lips and eyes and shit but w/e) so much but that's like wandering into a bar and asking what peanuts are. Just, like, there. My wife doesn't even like Julia Roberts but knows about her beyond whatever movie she was in with that one guy who did stuff, I dunno. It was upthread. Prostitution ring or something.

Anyway I don't think we have our thread here because we deal with it differently beyond the obvious basics. I mean frankly I see more guys admitting to crying than women. I guess it's because it's assumed that women cry, because, well, it's okay for women to cry. The male response should be "This female is crying, I must provide comfort/ice cream/awkwardly soothing commentary/freshly slain meat" and then back off while other females commiserate. When a guy cries he disappears into privacy somewhere and tells people he was jacking off if he gets caught. What the fuck I wasn't crying.. I caught my dick in my zipper LOOK BOOBS. Unless it's your kids, then its okay to admit daddy cries sometimes.

Not that all that stuff is how it SHOULD be or anything, just that it seems like a general unspoken approach to things. So a guy musters everything up and says in a post "I cried three times today" it's generally this huge internal wrestling match, and 18 responses from women nodding and moving on to address WHY is a totally different beast, very true. Because another guy reads that and thinks "Fuck. That dude carried his buddy out of a foxhole after being attacked by a komodo dragon in Guadalcanal while some asshole was blowing up the beach with a Vickers" and doesn't say anything because generally you just quietly nod and don't comment.

Sometimes a bunch of guys will cluster up and respond to that - you have seen the posts, and they end up going on for pages.

Anyway I don't think they deal with it differently so much as perceive it differently. I really don't think women feel like they have to be right, either, though - if anything it's a matter of distribution. We see more WH's accept their fucked upedness because IMO they aren't posting otherwise, unless they are trying to blow smoke and bullshit, whereas a lot of WW find their path by arguing it out and grudgingly accepting things. So I think the process with a WW is just more visible. I don't think they expect men to take more responsibility for things unless, well, they're still in a state of fucked-up-ed-ness.. fuckededness.. fuckaddled. They're still all fuckaddled.

No disrespect intended anywhere here, if I said anything that appears as such please slap me with a lead plated common sense.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7107 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Tred
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Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate posting after SG because I don't have the imagination to come up with things like fuckaddled and having tantric sex with a wookie with an ass you could outline with a heart...

SP,

Just don't talk sports ok, I don't do sports, oh unless its Rugby, coz thats a proper game!

While I like all sports, I have to admit the best days of my life was the first time I was given the #5 jumper.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3303 | Registered: Dec 2011
wert
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Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

whereas a lot of WW find their path by arguing it out and grudgingly accepting things.

Or some try to figure out why their thinking is so fucked up with little disregard for us. I figure most don't because well that would be a lot of work.

While one can find patterns, I follow the mantra of trying to work with what is in front of you. This shit is pretty specific I think. Individuals, personal struggles, blah blah blah...Basically you gotta dance with the one who brought ya, otherwise - don't dance.

Just don't talk sports ok, I don't do sports, oh unless its Rugby, coz thats a proper game!

Football would be the proper game in most parts of the world...not to start a pissing match or anything.



Posts: 1364 | Registered: Jan 2012
jjct
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Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Instead of masturbation, from now on, let's just call it 'orangutans on a play date' (or playing orangutans = PO) to immortalize that epic post lol.

Hey we figured out what BOB was, didn't we? They'll figure it out if they're able to put down 50 shades for a minnit...hehe.

This is the kind of scene that would fit in our movie:

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=b4e_1358876760



Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
StillGoing
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Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're right wert, succinctly said. Hell, no matter what patterns we find there's always going to be an exception anyway.

jjct, what about BOB?

[This message edited by StillGoing at 5:16 PM, January 23rd (Wednesday)]


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7107 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
jjct
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Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That looks more like what about blob? Sorry, I'm not as up on meme du jour as the wow guys and gamers, so I might be missing something...

The availability of sex kept me in a batshit crazy's sphere of influence way too long.

For the ones here that are balls enough to post their stories, and even the ones who are not, I sometimes wonder...is the sex that good?

Strange. For me it was. I could take the slights to my soul for a fuck in the woods, a beej to help me go to sleep, heck, even a demand to have sex right now. That cup was overflowing. In fact, my response to her frequent accusations of infidelity was just that. Why tf would I ever ayfkm? & it was true.

At some point, who you are becomes more important
- than your dick
- than who you made happy/satisfied today

I found that out. It was a hard way. After much back n forth with batshit crazy, it finally came to me. Guess I'm slow.

Though to e4, I like c5


Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
spareparts
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Member # 33434
Default  Posted: 3:05 AM, January 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jjct the picture is of B.O.B from the film Monsters Verus Aliens, a parody of the original "Blob" from the 50's film.

In regards to your other question, it was certainly the availablity of the sex rather than perhaps the quality? Don't get me wrong I certainly enjoyed sex with my XWW, we had a lot of fun. with my rose tinted glasses it was always great, looking back properly now though, it was always me putting in the effort and was not the greatest of sex going. But I always found my XWW incredibly attractive and sexy so yes thats what i'd keep going back for.

I could take the slights to my soul for a fuck in the woods

Exactly, and I must be as slow as you for it has taken me a long time to reach the same opinion as you.

Oh and Wert, football is not a proper game in most of the world, you Americans have "soccer" what the rest of the world would call football, of you have American Football which the rest of the world doesn't consider football. But then I did say I wouldn't discuss sports so probably best I stop there!


Posts: 515 | Registered: Sep 2011
wert
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Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, January 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SG - The picture was... disturbing on one level and very funny on another.

SP - I was referring to soccer. One of the few Americans who know it and how to play. In a pure numbers match up soccer/football would be the sport - but agreed to much time gets spent on silly little balls in the world - both with sports and what jjct was getting at.

take care...



Posts: 1364 | Registered: Jan 2012
NonPiuTormento
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Member # 38087
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, January 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Damn, it seems I spend more time trying to decipher some of the posts on here than forming an opinion on them.

The one thing that I and the stbxww never had any incompatibility issues with w the sex. She has always been very sexy, and (unfortunately) I never turned her down whenever she was "in the mood". Problem was for me, she wasn't nearly in the mood frequently enough. Even though I'm in my late forties, I've never had a problem rising to the occasion...in fact, if the wind blows a certain way, I'm all in. Rarely would she accommodate me if I was in the mood and she wasn't...and those few times she did, it was apparent she wasn't all into it, which was disappointing.

The most peculiar thing, though, was when we would discuss our sex life and she would tell me that I needed to be more aggressive, less conservative, etc., but when I would actually DO something about that, I was put off for another time, or she wasn't "into" it. Go figure.

My young son (15) asked me the other day, "What are you gonna do?" When I asked him to clarify the question, he asked me, "Are you gonna turn into Hef and date a twenty year old." I had to laugh. "No," I told him, "I don't think I'd have much in common with a twenty-something", though the mindset of the younger folks these days is a far cry from what I was used to in the day.

Wat are your experiences in this aspect?


"Banana puddin' and rough sex." -Phil Robertson

Posts: 15 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
aesir
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Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, January 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I could take the slights to my soul for a fuck in the woods, a beej to help me go to sleep,

Just a slight t/j here. Might help some understand what was going on in their lives, or some newbies reading might see a warning sign.

Most women understand what jjct was saying on at least some level. I was reading Women's Infidelity back in the day. Can't say I recommend the unremorseful everything happens for a reason, it was a bad thing to do but it worked out for the best, self justifying steaming load of crap. It did have one interesting chapter though. The title was "Men Who Cheat Send Flowers, Women Give Blowjobs". The whole chapter was about explaining the womens thought processes behind this. Essentially, blowjobs were a way to keep the guy being cheated on on the hook, while not really cheating on their AP, and would be thrown in whenever the guy was able to detach too much for the WW to feel comfortable.

Now don't get me wrong, I am a fan of blowjobs. Just a change in the oral/vaginal ratio is a huge warning sign. It also makes the idea of R a little less palatable if blowjobs from your spouse are going to become a trigger.


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
h0peless
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Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, January 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm only in my early thirties but my friend, who was recently elected to our state legislature, is already trying to hook me up with his early twenties interns. I have to admit that the thought is tempting but I'm pretty sure that's not what I'll be looking for when I do get to a place where I want to date.

Posts: 1323 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Arizona
aesir
♂ Member
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, January 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, probably not what you want to do when healthy. Political interns seem to be fucking trouble for everyone that fucks one.


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
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