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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men- Part 9
tonati
♂ Member
Member # 36639
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, November 14th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BTW guys, was it the emotional betrayal or the physical betrayal that hurt deepest?

Follow up question to this for those that are further out from d day than me (3 months): Does this change over time?
I feel almost shallow for feeling this way but most days, the physical sting more. It didn't use to for the first few weeks (if I remember correctly, those are hazy) but for the past month it's bothering the snot out of me. Of the x thousand times the A pops into my head during the day, 80% or so are the physical aspects.


Posts: 100 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Virginia
Confused2233
♂ New Member
Member # 37139
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, November 14th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any men actually go through with confronting the OM(s)? I had one apologizing all over himself through text (I got her phone, this was DDay), one ran at mach holy shit out of his workplace and apparently called his daddy to rescue him, and the main OM played like it was my fault and acted hard until I put him in his place and watched him backpedal like a clown on a unicycle.

AMAZINGLY, I have yet to physically harm any of them. Though apparently the main OM is running his mouth about how he shoulda beat my ass and this, that, and the other thing... I hope he tries.


Me: 25 BSO
Her: 23 WSO
OM: Fat sloppy boss with a little winky.
D-Day: 10/12/12 - 2130
Anniversary: 8/6/08
PA w/OM Oct 11 - Oct 12
5 ONS with randoms June 12 - Oct 12


Posts: 29 | Registered: Oct 2012
Sucks to be
♀ New Member
Member # 30203
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, November 15th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Confused2233,
You might find my sad tale amusing….. During my wife’s affair I came home one night without warning (I was working nights she was working during the day/ with POS coworker) and I found POS was there hiding in my master bedroom closet. I didn’t, but I should have beaten him to a pulp. The next day he lost his job working with my wife (his wife told him he had to quit). Within a week I started a new job and guess who was working there? You know it.. the POS. I had to see him everyday for 3 months before he lost that job too. To this day I regret not beating the sorry ass POS to a pulp.


WW - broken in a millon pieces
BH - H sucks to be
married 14 years before I had the A

Posts: 7 | Registered: Nov 2010
H sucks to be
♂ New Member
Member # 33538
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, November 15th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry I was logged in under my wife profile. I am a man. Long time lurker, sometime poster who still feels the pain of my wife’s betrayal most everyday.


BH 54
FWW 43
2 DD, 20 & 18
M - 22 years,
D-Day 12/2004 Found out about "friend", EA started 9/2004, affair ended 2/2005
D-Day 12/2010 Finally admitted to PA
My Birthday, Wedding Anniversary and Christmas damaged by her affair

Posts: 18 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: South Central, Indiana
ForwardMotion
♂ Member
Member # 32608
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, November 15th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, both physical and emotional sucked. At this point, 2 years after the last D-day, the long period of lies and gaslighting pisses me off the most.


me - BH

'It's not the end of everything,
It's just end of everything you know.'


Posts: 399 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Tejas
DWBH
♂ Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, November 15th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BTW guys, was it the emotional betrayal or the physical betrayal that hurt deepest?

The PA, hands-down. But I think it's because I knew and learned about the EA over the course of 7 months, before I learned about the PA. So perhaps its just a timing thing.


Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
H sucks to be
♂ New Member
Member # 33538
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, November 15th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The PA haunts me still. It was so out of character for her. Sex didn’t seem to be that big of a deal to her. I guess it was just having sex with me that was not enough…. I waited patiently for her to hit her sexual prime…. To bad it started with POS OM. It is hard to come to grips with the idea that all I did for her for 15 years was sweep under because my wife chose to believe the OM’s bull shit.


BH 54
FWW 43
2 DD, 20 & 18
M - 22 years,
D-Day 12/2004 Found out about "friend", EA started 9/2004, affair ended 2/2005
D-Day 12/2010 Finally admitted to PA
My Birthday, Wedding Anniversary and Christmas damaged by her affair

Posts: 18 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: South Central, Indiana
westerly
♂ Member
Member # 34280
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, November 15th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been over a year now since d-day, but I find that the ea was worse for me- the pa and associated BS (explicit pictures I found, shit like that) has left me with anger issues, but that I can deal with. The ea part kills me because anyone can make a stupid judgement call on a 1 time basis, but the organizational skills and systemic planning necessary to hide an ea over the long term, and watching them beat the fog by shredding OUR foundation... well, that shit's tough to get over.


If you haven't read them, I heartily recommend 'No More Mr. Nice Guy, "Not Just Friends" and "The Married Man Sex Life Primer." Everything else I've read contained too much baloney.


me- 39, American (BS)
her- 45, South American (WS)
1 child (my stepson)
EA discovered 3/10
D-day (PA discovered) 8/11
D-day II, April 8, 2013 (while overseas w/family)
Attempting R, despite relapse.

Posts: 126 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: At sea, away from family
WontStop
♂ Member
Member # 36246
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, November 15th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm reading "Not Just Friends". Hardest read ever, because I can see how my STBXWW's affair came to be. They were co-workers who spent a lot of time together. At first the PA hurt the most, but the EA is becoming more lousy. I realize that he offered to have sex with her years ago. She said no, but kept the friendship. I'm like shouldn't she break off the friendship at that point. She believe they went back to being just friends. But, if a guy is comfortable to ask a woman to come back to his place for sex, they are already more than just friends. Now I realize my WW has been having EAs for quite a few years before this years PA. She also got propositioned by another guy, so I wonder how close they were as well.


D-Day 5/18/2012
Me-42 WW-46
D-13 S-9
Status: Divorced

Posts: 223 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Northern Virginia
hank9898
♂ Member
Member # 35405
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, November 15th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, the PA and EA both cut deep.

The lack of remorse and actions that indicated she did not want the marriage any longer was by far the worst part in my world.

WW told me how much she wanted the marriage, yet the actions indicated the opposite.

It took awhile for me to accept that she had long ago detached. The time between discovery and now finalizing the paperwork to file for D was my time to detach enough to see what was real.

Let's face it guys, it all sucks!

I say we all keep working towards what we need as individuals and allow the rest of the pieces to fall into thier places!


Me - BH (46)
Two great kids
Son (20) US Army
Daughter (18) College student

Posts: 149 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Minnesota
wonderingbull
♂ Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, November 15th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me it the process evolved...

At first it was the PA then it was the EA where she fell in luuurrrvvv with OM....

FInally

The worst part really was all the lies, blameshifting and gaslighting... Now that really pissed me off and when she tried to pull off the coverup of what really was happening and what happened...

The fact that she treated me like a dupe and thinking I wasn't smart enough to figure out what was up and what was down...

Looking back? The PA was fucking bullshit... She got played by a manwhore and got fucked... (insert sarcasm font)... Must have been soooo special...

The EA... Did she think she was in fucking jr. high?...

The coverup... She really thought I'd fall for the bullshit lies without me checking them out...

The ex ended up showing how fucking fucked up and fucking stupid she is and looked...

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5893 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, November 18th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WRT jjct's photo, I think I'll just say that blue is my favorite color. I'm silently wondering, however, if jjct was able to get enough oxygen in that company....

WRT PA or EA - my mind focusses on the PA, perhaps because it lasted just about 19 weeks, but even without the sex, I think I'd be just as devastated by the lies, disrespect, abandonment.


FBH (me) - 65+, FWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together almost 49 (as of January, 2014)
DDay - 12/2010
Almost Recovered
I share my own experience not because I'm a good model but because it's the only experience I know.

Posts: 8912 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
SecondHelping
♂ Member
Member # 36796
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, November 18th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure if WW had an EA or not. She tells me the best part of the A was that she found someone that 'believed in her' and 'told her she can do anything she put her mind to'.
Sex didn’t seem to be that big of a deal to her

The sex wasn't that good I suspect. It was only one oral and one vaginal. She told me the other night that she didn't climax with him, but she also told me she slept with him out of curitosity and stress relief...I still can't figure that out.

I guess if it wasn't for the sex, then it was probably an EA, but she didn't love him...she says.


D-Day 1: Feb 1990 (2 yrs into M, Kissing and a hickey)
D-Day 2: 3 Sep 2012 (3 month EA/3 week PA)
BS 49- Me, fWW 43- Her (Amibroken)
OP- Deputy Chief of Police from the town next to us! (Age 37)
Married 25 Years, Together 28
3 Kids (17, 14, 11)

Posts: 467 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Delmarva
HoldingTogether
♂ Member
Member # 29429
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, November 18th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The EA vs. PA question tends to come up periodically. Obviously it's gonna be pretty subjective and all that really matters to any of us is our own reality as we experience it...

That being said I have to go with the emotional betrayal being the toughest part for me. Someone here (I am sorry I can't recall who it was) once explained it pretty elegantly something along the lines of this:

My wife's PA made me question my manhood, her EA made me question my very essence.

Hell, fucking is a pretty small part of our lives when you really think about it. Even if you are the luckiest asshole on the planet with the energy and stamina of a pornstar you still can't possibly be spending more than 5%, maybe 8% if i'm being generous, of your time on actually fucking.

So looking at it that way, FWW's PA only impacted or reflected on maybe 5% of my overall life (who am I kidding? I wasn't getting laid even close to 5% of my time back then, but just for the sake of our discussion...) So, as personal as I took that shit, and believe me I took it pretty fucking personally, I still really could only personalize it as it regarded that one small facet of my life.

When it comes to my FWW's EA though? When I think about the fact that, for a time, when she was spending time with me, she was wishing she was with him? When I think about the fact that she was sharing more of her thoughts and feelings with him for a time? That she thought at the time that he was somehow more worthy of her most inner thoughts and feelings than I was? When I think about the fact that for a time she contemplated leaving me behind and starting a new life with him? When I really internalize and focus on that fact that she valued me so little and him so much that she considered upturning her entire life to be with him?

Well that shit is pretty hard not to take fucking personally. It's hard not to take that kind of shit as a fucking indictment of me as a human being overall. I mean shit, who she would most want to spend her life with would seem to pretty much encompass the whole fucking package wouldn't it? Looks, personality, finances, brains, stability, parenting skills, the whole shebang.

That shit felt like a shotgun blast to the ole' nut sack. So yah I gotta go EA on this one.

Still though, its not entirely hopeless. I got over it. It helped to realize that my FWW went temporarily bat shit fucking crazy. And there is just no accounting for crazy people's taste. I mean how the hell else can we account for the success of Katy Perry, that weird snuggy blanket thing with the sleeves, and Fox News? Crazy people think lots of fucked up stuff is great. Doesn't mean they are right about any of it though.

On another note: I think that it often seemed to me, at least earlier on, as though the PA was worse for a very simple and maybe obvious reason... That shit is simply to fucking easy to picture in your head. I mean, lurve and butterflies and all the feelings shit hurts like hell but it is abstract. You can't really play a mind movie complete with HiDef images, of lurve. I mean what does that look like? WW and POSOM walking barefoot down a beach hand in hand as the sun sets and the music swells in the background? Hard to picture it in any concrete way. But the Physical stuff? That shit is way to fucking easy to picture, in fucking detail. Mind movies galore! It seemed for a while there like it was 24/7 of a fucking Sundance film festival of my wife and that douchestick together going on in my head.

So, from a strictly visceral point of view the PA is much better as an instrument of self torture. And self torture turned into a bit of an unfortunate hobby for me for a little while there.

I'm much better now though. Honest.

HT

[This message edited by HoldingTogether at 8:36 PM, November 18th (Sunday)]


Me:BH 41
Her:FWW40(Walkinoneggshellz)
2 Beautiful little girls 13&10
Dday: 7/24/10 1yr EA turned 5 monthPA
"I gotta hole in me now... I got a scar I can talk about."

Posts: 338 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: New Life
tonati
♂ Member
Member # 36639
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, November 18th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, that was a good post Holdingtogether.

I just realized you're right. The PA is pretty much just the mind movies, not much more. But those fucking mind movies .... I'm just over 3 months out mind you but they're there all the fucking time. And they'll come just out of nowhere, for no reason. I was putting my daughter to bed a few hours ago and WHAM, for no good reason, I'm picturing some other guys penis and where it went. And there goes the next couple of hours I was planning to just chill out before bed.

And you're right about the EA and what it does to you. My story is slightly different as my wife never had any plans to leave me for him. Her plan was to keep us both around, him for the compliments and flirting and sex and companionship and general good times and me for .... still don't know quite what for but that was the plan. She was waiting for me to improve the marriage whilst enjoying her side of cake. I guess logically that should be easier to deal with, that she never contemplated leaving me for him, but it doesn't feel that way. It's like a hobby she took up. And she did what she did to me for a HOBBY.

I mean how the hell else can we account for the success of Katy Perry, that weird snuggy blanket thing with the sleeves, and Fox News?

And fucking EGGPLANT! Who EATS that?!?


Posts: 100 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Virginia
DWBH
♂ Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, November 19th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My story is slightly different as my wife never had any plans to leave me for him. Her plan was to keep us both around, him for the compliments and flirting and sex and companionship and general good times and me for .... still don't know quite what for but that was the plan. She was waiting for me to improve the marriage whilst enjoying her side of cake. I guess logically that should be easier to deal with, that she never contemplated leaving me for him, but it doesn't feel that way.

Same here, tonati. The OM was a "complement" for my wife, nothing more. Just her happy pill. They talked about how neither of them wanted to leave their spouses. My wife loathed many traits about the OM... his OCD habits and mainly the fact he treated his kids like shit. She never said a word to him about it of course, but she was really irritated with his (lack of) patience and ability as a father.

Example: A few days after they had sex, she was at his house, dropping off their 3 young daughters. He sent the kids outside to play, so they could be alone in the basement. The 3 year old kept trying to come downstairs, while they were trying to get busy. He kept bellowing at her to go back outside, and muttering to my W that he wasn't gonna be cock-blocked by the 3-year old, and was determined to get something. WTF? What kind of douchebag does something like that?

Anyway, I stick by my PA vote. For some reason, I can understand and rationalize the EA aspect easier. The Why's make more sense to me. And again, the EA was known and revealed much sooner after DDay than the PA, so perhaps it's just had more time to digest.


Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
CluelessGuy
♂ Member
Member # 28491
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, November 19th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

More than two years out, it's neither the PA or the EA to me. It's that I never really got a chance to save my marriage. I had no idea she was unhappy. And I really really didn't want my children to grow up as children of divorce. I know that kids are resilient and the STBXWW and I can do our best to not let it impact them too much.

Having said all that, it's the EA that led to the PA, so I'd have to choose that if I chose at all. I know I was absolutely haunted by the physical side for months. With time, that has subsided though.


BH - early 40s
XWW - early 40s
Two kids

D-Day - Easter 2010
D-Day 2 - July 18, 2010

Divorced - Nov. 26, 2012


Posts: 427 | Registered: May 2010
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, November 19th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's that I never really got a chance to save my marriage. I had no idea she was unhappy.

In my case it came to a head and my wife told me she was not happy. That we needed to go to MC and I needed to change a lot of things, that she had never really ever been happy or had the chance to live on her own and see what life was like. A lot of other things too.

So I had that opportunity and tried. We spent thousands on MC and I really can't think of anything I didn't go after in myself to fix. I did a pretty good job. The week she was moving out I was incredibly sad, but felt comfortable in my own skin for one of the very rare few times in my life.

It really didn't matter since the affair wasn't about that. Whether I had been given an opportunity to save our marriage or not, it was always decided thumbs-down because she never wanted it to be saved. For whatever reasons - shame, anger, hurt and confusion, selfishness, lack of investment, just not wanting to - she wanted to leave and not work on it.

Rather than own that she gave me deadlines and goals, and I have myself deadlines and goals. I met them and exceeded them and desperately wanted to save our relationship. I wanted her to be happy. Thousands of dollars, months, years of work. Honestly if the A had never happened and we reached that point I would have been okay. I loved her, wanted her to be happy and acknowledged she could not be happy with me. Was time to move on.

The affair was something that undermined all of that. It didn't destroy all that work but it hit it hard. Because she hadn't been working on things honestly, and the brutal fucked up truth is neither was I. Unknowingly, for different reasons. I made good strides and met life goals but all it took was one day to question the value of everything I'd done.

HT had a good quote there and I think it sums it up. Emasculated and destroyed in essence. It's hard to come back from that when you just finished climbing out.

So even if she gave you the chance, and told you she was unhappy, you still could not have fixed it unless she let you.

Sorry for the rambling. Personal musings and all that.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7107 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 12:59 AM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me it the process evolved...
At first it was the PA then it was the EA where she fell in luuurrrvvv with OM....

FInally

The worst part really was all the lies, blameshifting and gaslighting... Now that really pissed me off and when she tried to pull off the coverup of what really was happening and what happened...

The fact that she treated me like a dupe and thinking I wasn't smart enough to figure out what was up and what was down...

I felt the same way as WB.


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 29 years, Happily Reconciled

Posts: 5616 | Registered: Aug 2007
reallyscrewedup7
♂ Member
Member # 30825
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DWBH

He kept bellowing at her to go back outside, and muttering to my W that he wasn't gonna be cock-blocked by the 3-year old, and was determined to get something. WTF? What kind of douchebag does something like that?

Crap! And your wife still put out for him with that going on? How pathetic is that??


Infidelity sucks shit

Posts: 879 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Finding my way
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